funny

Pat: “My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”

Joe, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Pat: “On the contrary. I said, “Good idea – we can cover more ground that way.”

Source

My Dad said to me, “Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted.”

I shouted, “You’re kidding! Really?”

He said, “Yes. Get your things together, they’re coming to pick you up in an hour.”

Source

Ken: “I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.”

Jen: “Oh no. What happened?”

Ken: “My riders didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.”

Source

Larry: “Nick, I bought a dog off a locksmith today.”

Nick: “That so. How’s the dog behaving?”

Larry: “As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.”

Dana: Brenda, what do you call a sad strawberry?

Brenda, “Gee, I don’t know, what?”

Dana: “A blueberry.”

Source

Sam: “My girlfriend is angry with me. She said I ruined her birthday.”

Oscar: “What did you do?”

Sam: “I’m not sure  – I didn’t even know it was her birthday.”

Sam: Thanks, Sue, for explaining the word “many” to me.

Sue: No problem, Sam.

Sam: It really means a lot.

Source

A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, why is my sister called Paris?”

His Dad replies, “Because she was conceived in Paris.”

The boy says, “Ahh, thanks Dad.”

His Dad says, “You’re welcome, Backseat.”

Source

Ben: My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep.

Mary: It’s a good way to go.

Ben: At least he didn’t die screaming like the passengers the car he was driving.

Larry: I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.

Joe: They had some nerve.

Larry: But when I got home, all the signs were there.