Ever tried disputing a charge only to feel like you’re talking to a robot programmed by a mischievous raccoon? Well, buckle up, because I once tried to return a second mop I never bought—and customer service made me question reality, reason, and the very fabric of capitalism.
Not too many years ago, if you had to dispute a charge on your credit card, you’d walk into the store, look someone in the eye, and have a semi-reasonable conversation. At least, that’s the theory.
I marched into customer service—CS, which I’ve decided stands for “Comedic Sadness”—and said:
Ray:
“You folks charged me twice for the same purchase. Can we clear it up?”
Customer Service (CS):
“Oh we would never do that. I’m sure you bought the item twice.”
Ray:
“That’s not correct. Why would I buy two mops?”
CS:
“I suppose you plan on giving one of them as a gift?”
Ray:
“Who would want a mop for a gift?”
CS:
“Maybe you want to scam us. You’ll get your refund and sell the second mop on eBay.”
Ray:
“Can I speak to the manager?”
CS:
“Why? We resolved your issue.”
Ray:
“No… I really want to speak to the manager.”
CS:
(Flips through a notebook like it’s the Book of Retail Excuses)
“It says here:
If the customer wants the manager: The manager is busy.
If the customer insists: The manager is out sick.
If the customer wants corporate’s number: Give them 555-555-5555.”
Ray:
“That’s not a real number.”
CS:
“Did you dial it correctly?”
Ray:
“I’m not leaving until I speak to the manager.”
(10 minutes later…)
CS:
“The manager said she doesn’t believe you, but she’ll make an exception. We’ve cancelled the second charge.”
Ray:
“Thank you.”
CS:
“Not a problem. Enjoy your second mop.”
🧠 Final Thoughts:
There are moments in life when the absurd becomes so real, all you can do is blog about it. That was one of those mop-ments.