Relationship

Thinking Out Loud ~ We All Deserve Respect and Dignity

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In her book, We Should All be Feminists, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie writes, “Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture.” P. 40

NOTE: Perhaps it is because I was raised by my mom and her sisters while my dad was away at war. Or, because I was the only male in a household of six females (my wife and 5 daughters) that I am not uncomfortable around strong, independent women. They shaped the culture in which I grew up and lived. They did not let the culture shape them.

Thinking Out Loud ~ Are You Invisible?

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In her book, We Should All be Feminists, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie writes about her experience in a Nigerian restaurant where the waiter will speak to the man and ignore her. She writes, “I know that they don’t intend harm, but it is one thing to know something intellectually and quite another to feel it emotionally. Each time they ignore me, I feel invisible. … I want to tell them I am just as human as the man, just as worthy of acknowledgement.” P.20

 

NOTE: You may be thinking, ‘Yes, that happened in Nigeria, it doesn’t happen in the U.S. or other western countries.’ I speak from personal experience in academia. As the only assistant professor in my department I could speak, but I wasn’t heard. I quickly learned I hadn’t yet been accepted. I was invisible. Later, in my career, when I was a full professor, I spoke in defense of a woman seeking to be promoted to full professor. The other full professors voted unanimously to deny her promotion. They were angry with me for being the lone holdout. I quickly became invisible to them. Perhaps you’ve had similar experiences of feeling invisible. I’d like to hear from you.

Thinking Out Loud ~ Is it Really Normal?

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I am reading “We Should All be Feminists” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Ms. Adichie is a well-known Nigeran author who Time Magazine named as one of the one hundred most influential people in the world in 2015. Her book, “We Should All be Feminists” was taken from a Ted Talk and initiated a global conversation about feminism. Hope you enjoy the snippets I share with you from her book and my reflections on them.

In her book, We Should All be Feminists, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie writes, “If we do something over and over it becomes normal period if we see the same thing over and over, it becomes normal.” Pg. 12

NOTE: I’d like to add, “If we hear something over and over, we begin to believe it’s true. When I was a young kid, one of my chores was to mow the lawn. There was one way to mow the lawn, my dad’s way. I found myself, years later, mowing the lawn in the same way until I decided it was okay to mow it a different way. When I did, I wasn’t struck by lightning. I didn’t have a coronary. And the sun continued to rise and set right on schedule. Unless we question why we’re doing something over and over we may miss out on a better way to do it.

Photo for Today – Two Hearts – One Love

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Feeling Good Tip

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Are You Prepared for the Stormy Season?

I’m sitting at my desk at 7:45 a.m. and across the way workers are putting a new roof on a neighbor’s home. The roofers got an early start because the high today will be 103 F (39.44 C).  The neighbors are taking steps to replace a worn roof before the stormy season hits. It’s the same way with us. We don’t know when our stormy season will hit, but it will. We can take steps to ensure that we are strong, resilient and ready to handle any challenge. We can rate ourselves on the following scale from 1 to 5. One being low, 5 being high.

      1. How strong are my family and friendship connections.? 1  2  3  4  5
      2. Am I eating healthy? 1  2  3  4  5  
      3. Am I taking time each day to relax and quiet my mind? 1  2  3  4  5
      4. Am I getting 150 minutes a week of exercise? 1  2  3  4  5 
      5. How strong is my spiritual life? 1  2  3  4  5

When you finish review your scores, you’ll know where to improve to meet the challenges of your stormy season.

Feel Good Tip of the Day

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A Feel Good Happening

On my way out of the gym, I stopped to talk to a friend. He was in between sets working on his biceps, He was beaming about his son. His son just received a big promotion. My friend was exercising his bragging rights. He felt good. I wasn’t about to steal his thunder. The moment was his. He was basking in his son’s success. He went on to tell me that he was proud of his son’s success and even prouder of the man his son had become. I like hearing feel good stories. The world needs more of them.

Thinking Out Loud

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Get Ready for the Unexpected

In Leo Tolstoy’s work, Three Questions, the King is fed up with the poor advice of his advisors. Instead, he seeks the advice of a wise hermit.  “The King went up to him and said: “I have come to you, wise hermit, to ask you to answer three questions: How can I learn to do the right thing at the right time? Who are the people I most need, and to whom should I, therefore, pay more attention than to the rest? And, what affairs are the most important, and need my first attention?”

NOTE: When you’ve had an important decision to make have you sought the advice of friends and  family and come away still not knowing what to do? I have. What do you do when that happens? I recall having this experience early on in my career. I was offered a great job. I knew if I took it my career path was set. I wasn’t quite certain that was the path to take. I turned to a trusted mentor. I went to his office and explained the job offer to him. He smiled at me and said, “Ray, I consult with people in that position all the time and they have one thing in common.” I moved to the edge of my chair waiting for his words of wisdom. I said, “What?” He said, “They don’t smile.” I laughed and said, “You’re right. In that moment, his wisdom, simply stated, influenced me. I went to my office and made the call declining the job. Sometimes it’s better to seek wisdom from those detached from us. When we do, we’d better be ready to hear something totally unexpected.

 

Feel Good Tip of the Day ~ Sometimes it’s Better to Roll With It

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It’s tough to be quiet when you think the other person is wrong or nuts. It’s easy to argue with this person and attempt to put him/her in his/her place. No matter the “rightness” of your argument, you lose if your attempt is the change the way the other person thinks. You see this played out on all the political talk shows. It doesn’t matter which perspective they promote, they’re right in their minds. If you want to feel better, roll with it. You don’t have to agree. You can ask questions in a gentle way that may help them reflect on their position. In any event, you will not lose a friend because of an argument over political issues. And, you’ll sleep better.

Feel Good Tip of the Day ~ Is It Time to Mind Your Own Business?

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One of the best ways to have a peaceful spirit and feel happy is to stay out of other people’s business. Sometimes it’s hard to do especially when they are the people we love. They, like us, have a right to live their life the way they choose to live it without our interference. You may feel some angst by not saying what you feel, in the end you will retain friendships. It’s worth it. You’ll feel peaceful and happy, and you won’t cause others to be unhappy..

Feel Good Tip of the Day ~ Let it Slide

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Some folks believe you have to answer each criticism with a strong defense and go on the attack. To me that’s wasted energy. It’s better to let it slide. The moment we give the criticism or the person doing the criticism our attention it becomes the moment we cede control to them. Let the criticism drift on by and get on with matters and people more important and meaningful. You’ll feel better and they’ll get the message that you’re not interested in playing their game.

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