Sunny Turns Joey In For Kidnapping – LOL

6.

Meanwhile . . .

Sunny, AKA,Jody, is at the police station reporting a kidnapping. She’s screaming, “If he hurts Punkin, I’ll rip his balls off his head.”

Detective Mike Patterson, who’s handling Sunny’s complaint, thinks he can handle this complaint having previously dealt with numerous domestic disputes. He attempts to diffuse Sunny. He says, “The perp’s balls are not on his head.”

Sunny answers, “Don’t tell me where his balls are, I been sleeping with him for two or four months. I don’t remember which. I shoulda cheated on him sooner. I’m going to rip his eyes out of his ears if I get my hands on him. Poor Punkin. Can you call in the CPA or something?”

Detective Patterson says, “Do you mean the CIA?”

“You can call them too.”

“Who do you think kidnapped Punkin?” asks Detective Patterson.

“Duh. I know who done it. Anybody with no brain can figure it out. No wonder there’s so much crime. You don’t know who done it, do you? You probably got a crap sheet on him about a zillion miles long. He’s such a loser. While you’re at it, you can bust Eileen she’s probably his accomplished.”

“Who’s Eileen? Do you mean accomplice?” asks the patient Detective Patterson.

“She used to be my best friend since kindergarten and she would still be my best friend if she didn’t sleep with him. I used to think Handsome seduced her, but she told me it was her idea because she has such a schmuck for a husband. If she asked me first if she could sleep with Handsome, it’s a different story, but she didn’t. I don’t know what an accomplice is but I know she is an accomplish. I want her to get what she’s got coming to her and that’s all.”

Detective Patterson plays along, “Okay, we won’t charge Eileen as being an accomplice. We’ll investigate her as being your boyfriend’s accomplish. Your boyfriend took Punkin? Exactly who is Punkin? Who’s Handsome?”

“Handsome, that’s his real name, is no longer my boyfriend. I dropped him like he was yesterday news. Why are you calling Handsome my boyfriend when he is not my boyfriend? He’s my ex? You on his side? You guys always stick together. Punkin is my toy poodle. I had him for seven years ever since I got him at a garage sale.”

“You didn’t tell me his name, so I assume he’s your boyfriend. I don’t even know your name. You bought a toy poodle at a garage sale? How much did they charge?”

“Punkin only cost fifty cents. This is a pretty pathetic pickup line. You asking me for my name. At least you could buy me a drink before you take me home,” says Sunny.

Detective Patterson ignores the buy me a drink line and asks, “Punkin is a stuffed animal?”.

“It doesn’t matter if Punkin is stuffed or unstuffed. He’s human as much as you, maybe more. I can’t sleep without Punkin. I’d sue Handsome if I knew where he was living.”

“We’re making progress. You were living with Handsome for four months,” asks Detective Patterson who suddenly is enjoying the interview. Besides Detective Patterson, the rest of the detectives and the criminals they’re talking to stop doing what they’re doing to listen to Sunny. He adds, “I really need to know your name before we can investigate Handsome.”

Sunny opens her purse, takes out a pack of gum and removes two sticks. She rolls each one up into a tiny ball and puts them into her mouth and starts chewing. She says, “You wanna piece of gum, it’s strawberry flavor.”

Detective Patterson says, “No thank you.”

“It tastes real good with a margarita. The margarita gives the gum flavor so really, you’re drinking the same drink for hours. It saves money.”

“Where did you get that idea?” says Detective Patterson.

“I made it up by myself. I was in the shower and it just come to me like a bolt of lightning out of the sky. Handsome said it was in, in, in …”

Detective Patterson tries to fill in the blanks, “Inspiration?”

“No, that wasn’t it. I think it was inner sight. It don’t matter because I got it. I think I’m gonna trademark it so I can make some money. Do you guys do trademarks here?”

“Ah, we don’t do trademarks.”

“Whatcha do then. All I see is a bunch of people sitting around doing nothing. How you gonna find Punkin if everybody is doing nothing? I’d like a job like this where I don’t have to do nothing. How much does it pay? How much vacation will I get? Do you got health insurance because I wanna have my birth control paid. I can start work on Monday. I already can tell you who’s selling grass and I know this guy who’s trying to get me to work nights for him. I told him no because I’m a good girl. I don’t do no tricks unless it is a special occasion.”