Detective Patterson wonders why he always gets the weird cases. He’s got a case where a guy named Handsome supposedly kidnapped a stuffed toy poodle named Punkin whom the woman sitting across from him claims is real. Detective Patterson doesn’t know her name. He asks Sunny, “What’s your name?”
“Why? You still trying to hit on me? It’s okay if you are but if I were you I’d use a better pickup line,” says Sunny reaching into her purse and pulling out an emery board. She begins working on her nails.
Detective Patterson’s face turns red.
Sunny starts laughing, “Awe, I embarrassed you. I shoulda told you your pickup line stunk when nobody was around. I’m not doing nothing tonight if you want to have a few drinks.”
Detective Patterson shows Sunny his wedding ring on his right hand, “I’m married.”
“So? I’ve been with lots of married guys. I’m not gonna tell your wife. If she don’t know nothing, she can’t get mad at you. You’re cute, but I think you could lose a few pounds. You’re probably eating too much donuts. That’s what cops do, right? You sit around and talk and eat donuts.”
Detective Patterson sucks his gut in and feels guilty about the jelly donut he ate an hour earlier. He says, “I only eat donuts on special occasions. Let’s talk about why you’re here. If I’m going to make out a kidnapping report on Punkin, you have to tell me your name? Has Handsome tried to contact you?”
Detective Patterson scans the room, everyone is watching and laughing. One guy in for shoplifting is trying to make a video. A detective takes his cell phone away and deletes the video after he watches it.
Sunny says, “I only got one first name but I got a couple of last names. Which last name do you want? I think it’s three. No, I’m pretty sure it’s four, but I know for sure it’s two.”
Detective Patterson says, “What last name you are using now?”
“I ain’t using a last name now. Me and you, we’re like, on a first name basis you know,” says Sunny stretching her fingers out and checking her fingernails. She extends her hand toward Detective Patterson, “Whatcha think? It’s okay if you hold my hand and examine them.”
Detective Patterson says, “Your nails look great. No need for me to hold your hand. I also need your first name. What was your first or second last name?”
Jody looks up from her left hand, puts a finger to her chin, tilts her head upward and considers the question. She says, “Is this like a test? I thought the only tests you give are liar detective tests.”
“We don’t give liar detective test. I think you mean lie detector tests, right?”
Sunny takes her attention away from her nails and glances up at Detective Patterson, “You don’t want to find out if the detectives you hire are lying?”
Detective Patterson feels the onset of the mother of all headaches. He starts to speak and is interrupted by Sunny.
“When I was twelve, my last name was Stevens. That was my Mom’s last name but she was living with her boyfriend and he always said his last name was Smith. We moved a lot, because mom never had enough money to pay the rent. Sometimes Smith helped. I never knew his first name. My mom registered me into school as Jody Smith even though I later learned Smith wasn’t his real last name.”
Detective Patterson thinks he’s making progress, “Ah, Jody is your first name.”
“Duh! Who’d you think I was?” asks Sunny.
“You never told me your name,” says Detective Patterson.
“What’s my name got to do with you rescuing Punkin? Don’t the police have a SWAB team they can use to catch Handsome?”
“Do you mean SWAT team?”
“I think anybody can do this job. Tommy, he’s the guy who sweeps the floor at Happy Times can do better. Tommy knows you swat a fly but you SWAB a gangster. And, Tommy quit school in seventh grade when he turned sixteen. He’s got, you know, street smarts.”
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