Lawn and Disorder: Confessions of a Reluctant Mower in the Wilds of Suburbia

I survived sunstroke, fire ants, and a near spiritual reckoning—all for the privilege of cutting my own grass. While my neighbors sip cervezas and outsource their mowing, I’m out there making pilgrimages with my electric mower and a rosary in my pocket.

I did the deed today. I can make excuses to procrastinate. I am slowly earning a Phd on procrastination. Not everything mind you. This one task. I rank it close in pain to going to the dentist office to get a root canal. I’ll cut straight to the chase. I cut my grass. How difficult is that for a guy who works out every day of the week. I’m the only person in my neighborhood who cuts his grass. The rest? They hire someone, sit on their patios with a Texas-sized iced tea or a a cerveza or two..Me, I’m laboring under the Texas sun with my electric mower. I make excuses not to mow. Here are five of my favs: 1) There are fire ants under the five inch high grass. 2) I think I heard a rattlesnake. 3) I’ve heard of coral snakes in the area and they are deadly. 4) The drought should kick in any day now and I won’t have to mow. And 5), I’ll wait until the HOA threatens me with a fine. My Catholic conscience threatened it will nag me until I go to confession if I didn’t cut the grass. I can see it now,

Me: “Father, I haven’t cut my grass in 8 weeks, my yard looks like hell, opps, I mean really natural in it original natural state, and it’s now how to a lot of birds, snakes, lizards, and scorpions. That’s got to count for something?”

Father O’Brien: “Why are you telling me this?” “I thought coming to confession was better than cutting my grass.” It’s not a sin, but say a half dozen Hail Mary’s asking for the strength to cut your grass before you get a fine.”

Me: “Can I ask for someone to surprise me and tell me they are doing it for free?”

Father O’Brien: “You’re walking on the edge. You better leave while you’re ahead.”

I did do the deed. I feel better. My yard looks better. And, I didn’t run into any snakes, lizards, or scorpions. I barely missed a fire ant hill.