I’m Learning To Sail My Ship

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I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning to sail my ship.– Louisa May Alcott

It’s not easy to learn to sail a ship I’ve never sailed before. I know my ship was built for open water, to sail the seas. I will cast off from my safe harbor and venture into unknown waters trusting the good Lord and His Holy Spirit to guide me.

For a grieving guy, setting sail for me means to face head on all the difficult things I want to avoid. I want to face them without flinching, complaining, or passing them off. I want to own them. I want to taste the emotions that come with facing them. I think this is the way I will grow stronger and more confident.

One of the challenges for me is to cook. I never cooked before (I don’t count the stuff on the grill that I thought was cooking). I liked to lick the batter bowl when the kids were younger. I liked to sneak a bite or two of a meal before it was served. Now, I cook for one (I still sneak a bite before it hits the table). I want to cook healthy meals. The other night I made roasted asparagus. I did a pretty fair job. Granted, I roasted enough asparagus for more than one. I’m still figuring that part out. I saved a portion to go with a quinoa salad the next night. You’ll see rosemary (a blessing from living in south Texas) and parmesian oregeano grated on top of the asparagus (see the photo). I’m not ready for the Food Channel. I’m convinced the more I do for myself, the more I heal. I’ve always been proactive. I should add when I finished with the asparagus, I turned to a photo of Babe and said, “I bet you’re proud of me.”

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Choose Life

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Life is a precious gift. I always knew it was a gift, one to which I was not entitled, in an intellectual sort of way. When Babe died after being diagnosed with stage IV glioblastoma my view of life as a gift moved from my head to my heart. I began to see each moment as a gift. I came to a crossroad where I could choose to embrace this gift or to wallow in self-pity, angry Babe’s gift was taken away.
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We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. – Joseph Campbell

It’s not easy to embrace the gift when love was snatched away.
It’s not easy to hit a new, steep learning curve.
It’s not easy to wrestle with memories cause by a song, smell, sight, or word.
It’s not easy to live in a beautiful city when your five daughters are spread throughout the country, but none close by.
It’s not easy to choose to live life as an incredible gift, but it is my only choice.

So, I am going to smile and say, “it’s a great day to be alive” – because it is. I am going to extend my hand and introduce myself and say, “Hi, my name is Ray, what’s yours?” I am going to give thanks to God for Babe’s life for each moment we shared. I am going to be grateful for each drop of love that falls upon me (I am drenched by the outpouring of love from neighbors, strangers, parishioners, and baristas at Starbucks).

Yes, life is good. Life is a gift. I am grateful. CHEERS TO YOU!

CHEERS!!

Pick Up Your Mat and Walk

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“Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked” (Jn 5:8-9). It is the only way I’ve found to walk through my grieving process. I grieve the loss of my soulmate, best friend, and wife, Babe. It’s been 221 days since Babe died and it still hurts like hell. I am learning to live an emotionally healthy and normal life. It’s slow progress. I’m determined to prove grieving and suffering do not have the last word. I’ve made friends with grieving and suffering. I don’t think either one will ever leave me. They’ve taught me and are teaching me many important life lessons I would not have otherwise learned. I am now a good cook. I cook all my meals, except for the occasional night out with friends. I cook healthy meals. In future posts, I will share my recipes. I clean house, do laundry, and take care of the yard. Today I ironed a couple of shirts. I’m an optimist. I’m hopeful and hope-filled. I’ve always believed today will be a good day and tomorrow to be even better. I do my best to live that philosophy.  I attribute the progress I’ve made to grace. God’s gift to me to keep on living and to keep on loving. Here is a prayer I read each morning:
This Prayer Says Much About How I Feel

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