Write like you talk. Within reason.
Your writing should sound natural and fluid. Unless you’re communicating in a more formal context, write as though you’re talking to a friend.
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📖 Writer’s Tip: Don’t Let an Opportunity Pass By
Recognize opportunity. It might come in the form of a hint from a friend (or hey, even an enemy), or you might feel a vague impulse to do something new. Pay attention to these subtle suggestions; get quiet and listen. The instant you start thinking No, counteract that with, What if I did? No might still be the right answer, but it shouldn’t be a knee-jerk one.
📖 Writer’s Tip: Know Yourself
Spend an hour writing your thoughts on these questions:
What makes you quail? Disease, poverty, a spider over your bed, meeting new people, space-based nukes, a plugged drain, heights, defying your parents? Make a full list. Delve into the feelings those things inspire. What exactly does the fear feel like?
Turn to a fresh page. What does your wild side look like? (If you’re not sure you have much of one, think of it this way: When you were a kid, what did you like to do for fun?) Is it happy, or is it listless and neglected? Listen to it. What is it asking for?
Read over your fears, then read about your wild side. Which makes you feel better? Remember: Fears are only thoughts, but the world is thrillingly real.
📖 Writer’s Tip: Write What You Love
When you write what you love, you bring passion to the work. You focus on the writing, not the sales numbers. You put your heart and soul into it, not to mention a fair amount of blood, sweat, and tears. And you do it because you love it, not because it pays the bills. You’re proud of what you do, because doing it makes you happy.
When you write what you love, you also tend to write more words, more often (see tip #2). You will become a better writer in that genre. And maybe someday your dedication to writing what you love will pay off.
📖 Writer’s Tip: Blaze Your Own Trail
Don’t Follow the Herd
The herd mentality is alive and well in the writing business. You look at what’s selling on Amazon and decide that you should follow that herd because if other writers are making a killing in sci-fi, why shouldn’t you?
Or you hear of someone in a Facebook group who is making a bundle writing romance, so you figure, why shouldn’t you, even though you’ve never even read a romance, much less written one.
Just remember this when you decide to follow the herd; sometimes the herd turns and tramples you into the ground.
Rather than following the herd, look for ways to start your own herd. You do that by focusing on becoming a better writer, not a better follower.
✒️ Writers’ Wisdom: Stephen Kings Offers Advice on What to Write About
“So okay― there you are in your room with the shade down and the door shut and the plug pulled out of the base of the telephone. You’ve blown up your TV and committed yourself to a thousand words a day, come hell or high water. Now comes the big question: What are you going to write about? And the equally big answer: Anything you damn well want.” ~ Stephen King
Joey & Sunny – It’s Destiny
10.
Joey stands up and hollers, “You want to see Punkin again, give me my t-shirt.”
Detective Milson says, “Sit down, Handsome.”
The squad room bursts into laughter.
“Ma’am, you got to watch out, she’s like a rattlesnake she strikes so quickly,” says Joey sitting down and ducking behind detective Milson’s desk.
From the other end of the squad room, “I used to think you loved me, but all that changed when you kidnapped Punkin.”
Joey doesn’t like the sound of being called a kidnapper, not when there are twenty cops nearby, “He says, I didn’t kidnap Punkin. Punkin asked me to take him because he was lonesome. Why didn’t you tell me you was thinking that maybe you loved me before you threw me out?”
“That’s because you slept with Eileen and she was my best friend. But she’s not my best friend no more so it doesn’t matter that you slept with her. I didn’t know Punkin was lonesome. I feel like crying. Are you taking good care of Punkin? Do you talk to him before you goes to sleep and do you rub his tummy in the morning?”
Joey is thinking Punkin is sitting on the rear seat in his car with at least fifteen empty beer cans. Joey decides to zing Sunny, “I think Punkin loves me more than he loves you because I let him watch TV with me.”
“That’s not fair. I didn’t know Punkin liked TV.”
“Punkin loves TV. You know what his favs are?”
“What?”
“I’m not going to tell unless you give my t-shirt back.”
“I’m not going to give you your t-shirt back unless you give me Punkin back and tell me his favs.”
“I got Punkin in my car because he likes to go riding with me. I even buckle him in. I’m going to teach Punkin how to drive.”
Detective Patterson considers checking the state’s driving code to see if stuffed toy poodles can drive. He shakes his head and thinks he needs to take a few personal days off.
“That’s not fair,” says Sunny.
“Is so,” counters Joey.
Detective Patterson wants the soap opera to end. He whispers to Sunny.
Sunny turns to Detective Patterson and says, “You think?”
Detective Patterson nods.
Sunny says, “Detective Pitable thinks we should make up and go back to the way things used to be because it’s destiny.”
Detective Milson whispers in Joey’s ear.
Sunny hollers, “Is she hitting on you?”
Joey says, “She was hit on me like she hadn’t been with a guy in ten years.
“I did not hit on you,” says Detective Milson.
“Did to,” says Joey.
“I told Handsome he’d be a fool to let you get away.”
“We can take it outside if you hit on Handsome again,” says Sunny.
Joey says, “Can we set her up with Detective Pitable?”
“I’m married,” says Detective Patterson.
“Me too,” says Detective Milson.
“So?” says Sunny. Then she says, “Handsome, you and Punkin are my only true friends.
Joey answers, “Me too.”
“God help them,” mumbles Detective Patterson.
“Handsome, come here,” says Sunny holding her arms outstretched.
Joey says, “Meet me halfway, Sunny.”
Joey and Sunny dodge desks and chairs on their paths toward middle.
“Oh Handsome,” says Sunny embracing Joey.
“Oh, Sunny,” says Joey.
Detective Patterson flashes a thumbs up to Detective Milson. He thinks, It’s all in a day’s work.
Joey Wants to go in Witness Protection ~ LOL
9.
“What’s your name?” asks Detective Milson
“Why? I didn’t do nothing?” asks Joey.
“Do you realize you used a double negative? Asks Detective Milson who minored in English in college.
“You got to be mishandled. Me? I never do nothing like that. I’m a very optimistic person,” says Joey proudly.
Laughter breaks out around Detective Milson’s desk.
“Well, how can I help you?” asks Detective Milson hoping to send Joey off to another department.
Joey says, “I want to report a crime by a dangerous criminal. Can we call Crime Stoppers and see if they’ll put up a reward?”
“Have you been drinking, Sir?” asks Detective Milson.
“I had a bottle of Bud Light, but it was flat. Can you make Barlow’s give me a refund or a new bottle of beer even if the beer was free? Skinny gave me two bottles.”
“Who’s Skinny? I thought you said you only had one bottle?”
“Skinny’s really fat. He had his stomach stapled but his belly sticks out to here,” says Joey extending his arms and making a large circle.
“You sure you only drank one beer? What did you do with the other bottle? I can smell beer on your breath and clothes?”
“That’s because before I had my beer I was talking to Skinny and I told him I needed two cold ones. There was a splash of beer on the bar and I wiped it up with my t-shirt. Skinny appreciates things like that.”
“I thought you said you only drank one bottle.”
“I did.”
“But you ordered two bottles of beer.”
“I woulda drunk the two bottles of beer if my buddy Nate didn’t show like he said he was going to show up. I can never tell about Nate. Just as I was about to reach for the second bottle, my buddy Nate comes in and I give him my other bottle. This shows I am honest and respectable. No criminal ever shares a beer especially when they don’t have no more money to buy one.”
“I need to know your name, if you’re going to report a crime,” says Detective Milson.
“If I give you my name, I’m gonna need to go in witness protection because I am reporting someone who has won ton disrespect for property. If she destroyed my priceless possession she probably has bodies buried in her bedroom. I seen something like this on Cold Case Files,” says Joey moving his arms as if he is having a seizure while he’s speaking.
Detective Milson rolls her eyes. She says, “You mean wanton disregard.”
“That’s what I said, won ton.”
“I heard you say won ton.”
“That’s what I said,” says Joey.
“Won ton is something you get at a Chinese restaurant,” says Detective Milson.
Everyone in the squad room is turning their heads back and forth as if they’re watching a tennis match.
Joey answers, “Don’t they teach use guys nothing at the police academy. I seen a movie about the Police Academy and use don’t come across as the smartest squirrels in the banana patch.”
Detective Milson’s right eye begins to twitch, “Police academy is a comedy and a movie. And, bananas grow on trees.”
Joey doesn’t miss a beat, “That’s how they spin it to the public because they know it not would be allowed if they said it was a dormitory.”
“Do you mean documentary?”
“What’d I say?”
The squad room breaks into hilarious laughter. Joey waves to them thinking he’s the star of the show.
From the opposite end of the squad room a scream, “That’s him. That’s Handsome.”
Sunny Has a Hard Time Staying Focused
8.
Detective Patterson changes tact, “How did you learn Smith wasn’t his real last name?”
“One night some cops came to the house with a warrant for a guy named Waldo for running out on child support by five different women in four different states. Waldo was his real last name. One of the cops said, ‘I found Waldo.’ They all laughed but I didn’t know what was so funny.”
“Do you want me to call you Ms. Smith?”
“Why? Don’t you like Jody?”
“I like Jody, but we should keep this professional.”
“Until later, you mean? When you catch Handsome, will you beat the crap out of him?”
“That’s not the way it works, Jody. We have to see if we have enough evidence first. If we don’t have evidence, we can’t arrest him.”
“I don’t want him arrested. I saw on a movie where these two detectives played good cop and bad cop. The bad cop kept hitting the bad guy until he confessed.”
“That was a movie.”
“So? What if Punkin is bleeding to death?”
“Punkin can’t bleed to death. Punkin is a stuffed animal. Do you have a ransom note?”
“Why are you being so mean, Detective Pitterson.”
“It’s Patterson.”
“What’s a Patterson, Detective Pitterson?”
Detective Patterson momentarily closes his eyes hoping Sunny will disappear. He takes his right hand and rubs his forehead. He opens his eyes and Sunny is still across from him looking at her smart phone. He says, “Do you mind putting your phone away until we finish?”
“Duh. You can’t be on Instagram. What if somebody liked my photo? I gotta know. Here, take a look, don’tcha think I look good?” Sunny turns her phone to face Detective Patterson
Detective Patterson glances at Sunny’s Instagram photo. He sees Sunny with two girlfriends holding 32-ounce margaritas containers.
“Well?” asks Sunny.
Detective Patterson thinks Sunny and her friends are drunk. He shrugs and says, “Nice photo. What last name are you using now if you’re not Smith? What name do you have on your driver’s license?”
Sunny scrolls down recent Instagram photos. She looks up at Detective Patterson, “You say something?”
Detective Patterson is certain Sunny has ADHD. He repeats, “What name do you have on your driver’s license?”
Sunny says, “I never got an official driver’s license because when I was 15 my boyfriend made me a fake driver’s license so I could buy liquor. I still use it, every once in a while, I paste a new photo over my picture.”
“Have you ever had a traffic stop?” asks Detective Patterson.
Jody waves her hand, “Oh, sure plenty of times.”
“Didn’t the police officer ask for your driver’s license?”
“I think he was distracted. I wasn’t wearing anything above the waist, want me show you?”
“No, no, keep your shirt on.”
A chant starts in the squad room, “Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.”
Detective Patterson hollers, “Knock it off. I’m dealing with a kidnapping.”
“Can I watch when you croak Handsome?” says Jody.
At that moment . . .
Detective Milson, further back in the squad room, sits at her desk and points to a chair next to the desk. She types in her passcode on her computer, uses her mouse to make a couple more clicks, then turns her head toward the guy in the chair.
Sunny Asks Detective Patterson If He Wants to Go Out for a Drink – LOL
Detective Patterson wonders why he always gets the weird cases. He’s got a case where a guy named Handsome supposedly kidnapped a stuffed toy poodle named Punkin whom the woman sitting across from him claims is real. Detective Patterson doesn’t know her name. He asks Sunny, “What’s your name?”
“Why? You still trying to hit on me? It’s okay if you are but if I were you I’d use a better pickup line,” says Sunny reaching into her purse and pulling out an emery board. She begins working on her nails.
Detective Patterson’s face turns red.
Sunny starts laughing, “Awe, I embarrassed you. I shoulda told you your pickup line stunk when nobody was around. I’m not doing nothing tonight if you want to have a few drinks.”
Detective Patterson shows Sunny his wedding ring on his right hand, “I’m married.”
“So? I’ve been with lots of married guys. I’m not gonna tell your wife. If she don’t know nothing, she can’t get mad at you. You’re cute, but I think you could lose a few pounds. You’re probably eating too much donuts. That’s what cops do, right? You sit around and talk and eat donuts.”
Detective Patterson sucks his gut in and feels guilty about the jelly donut he ate an hour earlier. He says, “I only eat donuts on special occasions. Let’s talk about why you’re here. If I’m going to make out a kidnapping report on Punkin, you have to tell me your name? Has Handsome tried to contact you?”
Detective Patterson scans the room, everyone is watching and laughing. One guy in for shoplifting is trying to make a video. A detective takes his cell phone away and deletes the video after he watches it.
Sunny says, “I only got one first name but I got a couple of last names. Which last name do you want? I think it’s three. No, I’m pretty sure it’s four, but I know for sure it’s two.”
Detective Patterson says, “What last name you are using now?”
“I ain’t using a last name now. Me and you, we’re like, on a first name basis you know,” says Sunny stretching her fingers out and checking her fingernails. She extends her hand toward Detective Patterson, “Whatcha think? It’s okay if you hold my hand and examine them.”
Detective Patterson says, “Your nails look great. No need for me to hold your hand. I also need your first name. What was your first or second last name?”
Jody looks up from her left hand, puts a finger to her chin, tilts her head upward and considers the question. She says, “Is this like a test? I thought the only tests you give are liar detective tests.”
“We don’t give liar detective test. I think you mean lie detector tests, right?”
Sunny takes her attention away from her nails and glances up at Detective Patterson, “You don’t want to find out if the detectives you hire are lying?”
Detective Patterson feels the onset of the mother of all headaches. He starts to speak and is interrupted by Sunny.
“When I was twelve, my last name was Stevens. That was my Mom’s last name but she was living with her boyfriend and he always said his last name was Smith. We moved a lot, because mom never had enough money to pay the rent. Sometimes Smith helped. I never knew his first name. My mom registered me into school as Jody Smith even though I later learned Smith wasn’t his real last name.”
Detective Patterson thinks he’s making progress, “Ah, Jody is your first name.”
“Duh! Who’d you think I was?” asks Sunny.
“You never told me your name,” says Detective Patterson.
“What’s my name got to do with you rescuing Punkin? Don’t the police have a SWAB team they can use to catch Handsome?”
“Do you mean SWAT team?”
“I think anybody can do this job. Tommy, he’s the guy who sweeps the floor at Happy Times can do better. Tommy knows you swat a fly but you SWAB a gangster. And, Tommy quit school in seventh grade when he turned sixteen. He’s got, you know, street smarts.”
