flash fiction
23 ~ Gillis Can Commit for a Weekend
23
“What is it, Gills? You’re chewing on your bottom lip and twitching your nose. I always can tell when something is troubling you. Was it the cheesecake? It’s riding heavy on my stomach. I shoulda stopped at five pieces,” said Pickle.
Gillis turned slightly toward Pickle, “I was masking my feelings, Dill. I’m going to spill my guts. I’m concerned Wendy is coming on too strong. I think she wants me to make a commitment. I’m not ready for a commitment. Sure, I can commit to a one-night stand every two or three nights. I think that’s more than fair. She wants more than that. She’s looking for a guy who’ll make the coffee in the morning.”
“I know what you’re saying, Gills. I thought you should have hit the breaks when Wendy wanted to sleep with you at the dump. You say yes, it’s almost the same as saying let’s move in and get pizza with toppings we both like.”
“It’s tying me in knots, Dill. I can’t think about the case,” said Gillis.
“You got to dump her, Gills. Tell her if she wants to find commitment to look for it at Disneyland.”
“How so, Dill?” asked Gillis.
“She can find it in fantasy land.”
Fist bump.
“Man, I feel better, Dill. Thanks. Two questions, Dill. Did Bro say The Falling Leaf, The Fig Leaf, or The Golden Won Ton? Second question, what is a vegan? I’m current on all the hip stuff. Is it like Uber or Lyft? You got any ideas?” asked Gillis.
“First, Gills, you asked me four questions. That’s no problem because my mind is a highly complex, multi-functioning, state of the art, dendrite wiring, electrical circuit of irrational thought.”
Gillis made an attempt to follow Pickle’s comment. He zoned out at state of the art. Gillis said, “Get to the answers, Dill.”
Pickle answered, “I’m given you background to let you know what I say is accurate.”
I’ve got to think before I speak to him. I’m walking in a minefield each time I open my mouth, thought Gillis.
“Here’s my answers to your queries, Gills. I think the Fig Leaf is an adult sex store. I’m all in favor of starting there. As for Uber and Lyft, they’re the newest social media craze that’s out there. If we want to solve the case, we need to go to the Golden Wok. I’m certain that was the place Bro mentioned. I also have a preference for Chinese buffets. As to vegans, Ve E Gan is the person who started the exclusive society of vegans. Here’s the skinny on vegans. They’re uppity. Sampson is a perfect fit, problem is, Bro, is only a pretend uppity. As for the fourth question, I have lots of ideas. Want to hear some of them?” said Pickle.
“Hold off for now on the ideas. I think better on a full stomach. I hope the Golden Wok adds extra MSG and high sodium soy sauce to my meal,” said Gillis.
“How so?” asked Pickle.
“MSG and high sodium have two primary purposes in any cuisine. First, they’re better than oysters for men. Second, their aroma stays on your clothes like super glue and is a highly researched and proven aphrodisiac that drives women crazy. Not that I need an edge with Wendy, but I’m taking no chances,” said Gillis.
“You changed your mind about Wendy?” asked Pickle.
“I can’t get her out of my mind. If I have to make a commitment for the weekend, I’ll do it. My team has a bye and isn’t playing this weekend,” said Gillis.
“You’re the male guru, Gills. I’m becoming a better man because of you,” said Pickle.
Ten minutes latter Gillis and Pickle pulled into a small, left behind in the 80’s, strip mall on the city’s East side. Gillis surveyed the parking lot and nodded his head toward the Golden Wok. He tapped Pickle on the shoulder, “You got to hand it to the owner of the Golden Wok, Dill, he knew how to pick the best strip mall for his cuisine. Look at the crowd. This place is a gold mine. There’s a Dollar Tree, Goodwill, a blood bank, chiropractor, and a psychic healer. I’m going to grab the last handicap parking space before anyone gets it.”
“You better hurry Gills, look over there,” said Pickle. He pointed to an SUV packed with seniors heading toward the handicap parking place. The SUV had a large handicap tag hanging from the rearview mirror.
“Not to worry. Pickle. I’ll nick the cart corral so it’ll tip in front of them. They’ll have to take the long way around. Get the rag ready to hang over the sign,” said Gillis.
Gillis’s pickup and the SUV filled with seniors were on a collision course for the same handicap parking spot. Gillis underestimated the driving agility of his competitor. A white haired guy with a NASCAR hat knocked over a trash barrel sending refuse spewing, then he nicked the cart corral blocking Gillis and Pickle from pulling ahead. Gillis swerved to avoid a collision with a mom pushing a stroller with twins. His quick action avoided a tragedy, but brought his pickup into contact with a live chicken delivery truck destined for the Golden Wok. Moments later two hundred chickens bust loose from captivity. A pickup truck loaded with illegal Mexican farm workers skidded to a stop. The illegal workers jumped out and chased the chickens. Leon, Do Re, and Buttercup came out of the restaurant. Leon waved a butcher knife and screamed obscenities at the illegal workers. Every other obscenity began with the word mother. One of the illegal Mexican farm workers brandished a machete and returned the obscenities to Leon in Spanish. Gillis worked his way around the chaotic scene and whacked the SUV on the right rear taillight causing it to spin 180 degrees and face away from the handicap parking space.
Gillis and Pickle, their Smith and Wesson’s drawn, piled out of the pickup. Gillis hustled to the driver’s side door of the SUV and set himself in a shooter’s stance with his gun aimed at the 80 year old driver. Pickle in the same stance on the passenger side of the SUV aimed his gun at seventy-seven year old cue tip on the passenger side.
Gillis screamed, “Come out with your hands behind your heads, driver’s registration between your lips. Anybody with false teeth leave them in the car.”
A moment later, clink, clink. From the inside of the car, “Watch it Helen, I don’t have a second pair.”
“Where’d you get those Jack, they almost look real.”
“You had a fake gold tooth put in your uppers? Does Medicare pay for it?”
The seven seniors lined up facing the SUV, their hands on the roof, spread eagle. “Pat em down, Dill. They might be carrying,” ordered Gillis.
Gillis announced, “I’m calling backup. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be ignored. If you make a false move, my partner will blast you with pepper spray. Is anyone recording this to put on the Internet?”
“What are we charged with, Officer,” said an 85 year old woman.
Gillis blurted out the first thought in his mind, “We’ve been watching this sex ring for months. We’ve finally got you with the goods.”
An old woman snapped at the man next to her, “Harold, I told you to leave the condoms at the retirement home. At my age I don’t need safe sex. I need sex.
THE BUMBLING DETECTIVES RETURN ON MONDAY ~ WHAT WRECKAGE WILL THEY CAUSE NEXT WEEK?
22 ~ Gillis Assumes Wendy Wants to Go Camping With Him
22
“The green leaf? We talking trees? The leaves are starting to turn, Bro. It’s going to be tough once they start falling off the trees. Is this twenty-two question? I love that game. Is it vegetable or mineral or a trapezoid? Notice how I combined three questions into one, that’s how you play to win,” said Pickle obviously proud of his intellect.
Fleming’s eyes turned blank. His jaw dropped a tad. Gillis came to his rescue, “Dill, it’s obvious Bro hasn’t learned this intellectual pursuit. Let me put it another way to him. Bro, what do you mean the answer is the green leaf?”
“The Green Leaf is a vegan restaurant. It is the answer to where I saw the cufflink. Sonata Vowel, the owner’s son has a set of cufflinks identical to the one in the picture. They’re solid gold and if you look carefully, you’ll see a tiny v scrolled on the bottom right. All vegan males are required to wear them once they’re admitted into the vegan club. First you have to be nominated. Then you have to be vetted. The vetting process is very strict. The vegans hire an outside firm to do a background check on you. If they find out you do not have vegan purity, you’re out. If you get past the vetting, you are interviewed. I’ve heard rumors of nominees leaving in tears after the interview. Sampson has gone through it twice and failed. He was devastated and went into a deep depression. He had to go through dialectical behavior therapy each time. I still don’t think he’s fully healed. I’m sure he failed because of my background. Fortunately for me, the committee never divulges the report. Sampson’s offered to have a DNA test to prove his purity. If he ever finds out I really a carnivore he’ll toss me out and blacklist me. He’s trying to get himself nominated a third time.”
“That’s nice,” said Gillis not listening to a word Fleming said. “It’s my turn to talk. When was the last time you saw Sonata?” asked Gillis.
“Last night. I remember it because his father, Treble Vowel, is the cook. He sent Sampson and me a special plate of Bolero, named after Ravel’s famous work.”
“Hold on,” stammered Pickle. “Who’s this Bolero and Ravel? You sure it’s not Bolero and Ravioli, the mobsters from Chicago?”
Fleming turned quickly to Gillis for an interpretation. Gillis looked up from his iPhone. He said, “What?”
“I need help, detective Gillis. Detective Pickle thinks Bolero is a mobster and Ravel is really Ravioli and their mobsters from Chicago.”
Gillis checked his iPhone. He was waiting for a response from Wendy about her side of the bed preference. Gillis preferred the side closest to the bathroom. He told her she could choose.
Gillis looked up at Fleming, “I’ve heard of them. What does the Chicago mob want with monkey innards. We answer that question, we solve the case.”
Fleming felt emotionally drained. He said, “Sonata wore the exact same cufflink.”
Pickle perked up. If he were a dog, one might think the owner said, ‘doggy treat.’ Pickle said, “Hold on, hold on, Bro.” He sets his cup down, “You said cufflink, not cufflinks.”
Fleming smiled, “Nice catch, Detective Pickle. Sonata is a nice guy. I didn’t want to get him in trouble. He’s got enough on his plate. Did you like my play on words? The Green Leaf restaurant. Enough on his plate?”
Gillis and Pickle stared blankly at Fleming.
Fleming continued, “Thing is, Sonata kept his right hand in his pants pocket. Never pulled it out while he was here.”
“That seems unusual to me. That strike you as strange, Bro,” said Gillis checking out photos of Wendy he took when she wasn’t looking.
“I have a theory about it, Gills. Maybe his boys were itchy,” said Pickle.
Gillis’ iPhone chimed. He looked at it and gave Pickle a wink. He opened the iPhone, tapped the messages app. He beamed, “Wendy agreed to sleep with me, Dill. This is the best day ever. I’ll have to buy a dozen ribbed for her pleasure rough rider condoms. We’ll use all of them.”
“I thought you didn’t like condoms,” said Pickle.
“I’m practicing being a sensitive male. Tomorrow, I’ll convince her to let me go a natural,” said Gillis.
“What did she say? You can read it front of Bro. He’s one with us now that he’s giving us free stuff under the table,” said Pickle.
Fleming nodded.
Gillis read Wendy’s text, “Sleep in your bed? Never!!!! I prefer the dump.”
Gillis commented, “Wendy wants to go camping. She likes to do it out doors. Bro, you know if Sampson has any camping equipment you can give me and add it to the robbery?”
Fleming’s heart rate accelerated. Why did I agree to give him the priceless china? Why did I agree to give them the expensive Jamaican coffee? Why am I listening to them? The questions raced around and around in his mind like a gerbil on a treadmill.
Pickle interrupted the pattern. He said, “Here’s what you do, Gills. Text Wendy and tell her all the camp sites at the dump have been previously reserved by the homeless. Let her know her bed is okay, even if the sheets still smell of Pat.”
“Brilliant, Dill. I’m sending it word for word. I owe you one,” said Gillis.
Pickle turned his attention back to Fleming, “Did you ask him if his boys were itchy? Was he scratching them with his right hand?”
Gillis stepped in before Fleming could answer, “That’s a sensitive issue with guys if you know what I mean, Dill. We each have our favorite way of scratching. Ball players like to do it on TV. Ballet dancers got to numb the area while they perform because their pants are so tight. Me? I prefer to turn my back to the crowd, suck in my gut and go right after the itch. It’s a full arm thrust.”
“That takes guts, Gills Back to you, Bro. Anything else about Sonata seem unusual.”
Fleming’s head felt like a salmon swimming upstream to spawn. He said, “Sonata asked if the police had any leads on the killers. I told him you guys were running in circles. No offense meant, it was before I knew we were all low blood sugar guys.”
Pickle stood up. He slammed his fist on the table hard enough to send the three rare, gold embossed China coffee cups and their plates to the floor. Fleming screamed, “I’m finished. It’s over. I won’t be able to show my face in town. Sampson is ruthless.”
Gillis patted Sampson on the back, “It’s okay big guy. Give me the rest of the set, it’ll make the robbery look better. When we leave, toss the rest in the garbage. While you’re packing my cups and saucers, Jamaican coffee and cheesecake, toss in the painting of the Reclining Nude by Modigliani.”
“It’s priceless. I can’t do that,” whimpered Fleming.
“That’s just it, Bro. I’m taking something off your hands that isn’t worth anything. I’ll grab in on the way out. No need to trouble yourself. It will go great in my man cave. Wendy will love it. We’re on our way to the veggie place. Snap it up with the goods. I expect to frolic in Wendy’s bed tonight.”
“If you need a good recommendation, use Gills and me for references. Our word goes a long way in this town,” said Pickle walking into the living room to view the painting he missed seeing on the way in.
21 ~ Gillis & Pickle Help a Carnivore Come Out of the Closet
21
Fleming was working on his third piece of cheesecake. He wiped the crumbs off his lips with a linen napkin, and said, “Sorry we got off to a bad start. I’m Mr. Sampson’s administrative assistant, butler, chauffeur, cook, and confidant. Between us low blood sugar people, I can’t stand the man, but the pay is great, and he gives me health insurance. My only job is to kiss his ass. It’s a tough job, but the pay is great. I personally think the man is a turd. Know what I mean?”
“Know what you mean, Bro. I can’t stand the man either,” said Gillis playing good cop as if he were seeking an Oscar for Best Actor.
“Question, Bro,” said Pickle. “Can I call you Bro instead of Flemo? Bro removes you from the suspect list. Flemo keeps you on the list. I want to make sure I get it right.”
“Fleming isn’t even my real name. Mr. Sampson made me change my name to fit his image. My real name is Lance Foggy. Please call me Bro. I’ll help you all I can.”
“Makes sense, Bro. I can see why Foggy wasn’t working. If it were me and I had to pick a name for you, I’d have chosen Froggy. See, that way I combine a classy name with your name. Easy to remember. Easy to spell,” said Pickle.
Gillis said, “Spot on, Dill. You know how to pull complicated issues together.”
Fleming, Foggy, Froggy, or Bro reached for another pieced of cheesecake. He spoke with a mouth half full, “Binging on sugar really elevates my my blood sugar level and gives me the sugar high I’ve been craving. Thanks for the tip, detective Gillis.”
Gillis said, “One more tip, always carry a candy bar with you. It will help in emergencies. If you notice a slight weight gain, pay no attention to it, it’s only your body readjusting.”
Gillis reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a glossy photo of the cufflink found inside the newly deceased. He slid it across the table to Fleming. “Ever seen one of these? We found it in another carved up monkey.”
Fleming reached for the photo, “What was the monkey’s name?”
“Phil, rhymes with pill, dill, chill, trill, mill, fill, kill . . .”
Gillis interrupted Pickle, fearful that his soliloquy might go on for hours. “Bro, take close look at the photo. I got a hunch you’ve seen the cuff link before. My hunches are usually spot on. It’s why I’m certain a certain woman by the name of Wendy will be spending the night with me.”
Fleming stared at the photo. He pushed it out to arm’s length. He pulled it closer to his face. He turned it toward the windows before turning back to Gillis, “I recognize it. Why?”
Pickle leaned toward Fleming while picking up the last piece of cheesecake. He said, “Man, you make this? It’s awesome. It’s the best cheesecake I’ve tasted.”
“Between us, Sampson thinks I cook. I send out for everything, including the cheesecake. It’s from the Cheesecake Factory.”
“You don’t cook?” asked Gillis.
“For one thing, if Sampson thought I ate anything with sugar in it, he’d fire me. He’s a health freak. He eats tofu. He eats kale. He nibbles on chia seeds. No wonder he still has a high voice. What makes it worse, he loves vegan food. Every night he wants vegan. I told him my mother and father were vegans and I was breastfed only with vegan milk.”
“Are you vegan?” asked Gillis.
“Hell, no. I need meat. My father was a butcher and my mother was a barbecue cook at Rolly’s. The reason I look so bad is because it’s hell living a lie,” said Fleming.
“It’s time you’ve come out of the carnivore closet. We’ll support you. I can put you in touch with a carnivore social support group. They meet at Barry’s Barbecue every Thursday evening,” said Gillis.
Pickle wiped the crumbs of the cheesecake off his plate with the tip of his forefinger, then started wiping them off Fleming’s plate. Pickle knew Gillis’ plate is off limits. It’s a seniority thing in the police department.
Fleming stood, picked up the three plates and put them in the dishwasher. He walked to the refrigerator and opened the Freezer. Gillis and Pickle stared at a freezer stuffed with frozen vegan dinners.
“While you’re at it, Bro, tell us about the cufflink. You said you saw it before,” said Gillis. “We’d like coffee. You use Maxwell House?”
“Who’s Maxwell House? Is it a new coffee shop? I’ve never heard of him. Sampson only orders the finest, smallest, richest coffee beans in the world. They’re grown on a single estate in Jamaica. Over a hundred dollars an ounce.”
“In that case, give Dill and me a pound each when we leave. I prefer my fine ground. Pickle prefers a coarse ground,” said Gillis.
“Considered it done. I like to short change his turdness whenever I can. How do I know about the cufflink you ask?”
“That’s what we’re asking, we don’t know how you know about the cufflink. We think it’s the clue to the murders,” said Pickle. “ He added, “I could go for another piece of cheesecake and Jamaican coffee.”
“Where do you pack that away, Dill,” asked Gillis trying to keep the conversation rolling.
“I got high cannibalism. It runs in the family,” said Pickle using a credit card to floss his teeth.
“You mean metabolism,” said Gillis immediately regretting what he said.
“Two easily confused words, metabolism and cannibalism. Metabolism refers to music. You ever hear of heavy metal or Metallica? Heavy metal evolved into heavy metabolism and Metallica took it the rest of the way. Cannibalism is how fast you burn up your cannibals. You know some foods are high cannibals and others are low cannibals.”
Fleming was about to speak. Gillis cautioned him to stop. He said, “Dill is a master of linguistics. It’s better to accept whatever he says as accurate. I’ve seen some question his mastery and it never turns out pretty. Eventually, they’ll admit they’re wrong.”
Fleming poured two cups of the expensive and rare Jamaican coffee, brought them to Gillis and Pickle in rare fancy gold embossed China cups. He placed a quarter of a cheesecake in front of Pickle. “I’ll give you each a cheesecake along with the coffee when you leave.”
“Nice cups. I could use two cups tonight to set the scene with a new lover,” said Gillis.
“They’re very rare,” said Fleming.
“Before we leave you can file a stolen property report. Dill and I will quickly investigate and file it away under unsolved crimes. File your insurance claim and we’ll back you,” said Gillis.
“It’s seems highly irregular,” said Fleming.
“Happens all the time, Bro. Cops are paid pitiful wages and this is how we supplement. It’s a win-win situation,” said Gillis.
Fleming said, “I’ve never done anything like this. It’s, it’s kind of exciting.”
“You’re getting a taste of the dark side, Bro. It can be addictive,” said Pickle finishing up the cheesecake.
“Now, about the cufflink,” said Gillis. “Man this coffee is smooth, dark, and rich. Love it. Make it two pounds each when we leave.”
“The Green Leaf. That’s the answer,” said Fleming.
20 ~ Low Blood Sugar Can be Hell
20
Gillis and Pickle pulled up to the gatehouse at the entrance to Folsom Sampson’s mansion. The guard glanced up from his laptop and flipped the finger to Gillis and went back to watching reruns of White Trailer Trash. Gillis nudged Pickle. He pointed to a surveillance camera. Pickle pulled out his personal Smith and Wesson, lowered his window and fired a bulls eye at the camera, shattering it.
“Nice shooting Dill,” said Gillis. He shifted to drive. The pickup peeled rubber and smashed through the wooden gate.
“What happened back there, Dill?” asked Gillis pointing his thumb back toward the smashed wooden gate.
“Where, Gills?” asked Pickle
“I thought I heard a shot, then the sound of wood snapping, and an alarm horn blasting,” said Gillis
“You must’ve been daydreaming. I didn’t hear any shot or wood snapping. You might have tinnitus from all your practice on the firing range, Gills,” suggested Pickle.
“Make sure you put it that way in your report. Two to one makes our word better than that of the bottom feeder in the gatehouse. Here’s my plan when we deal with Sampson. We divide and conquer. It could be Fleming is setting up Sampson. It could be Sampson is setting up Fleming. It could be they’re both conspiring to elect a liberal to Congress by committing the murders, and blaming the NRA for supporting the Second Amendment.”
“Those sons of bitches, Gills. I never thought of that. Most people won’t agree with me but the country would be a lot safer if they taught kindergarten kids how to use automatic weapons.”
“You make a good point, Dill. The kindergarten teacher might have a hard time getting the kids back in from recess,” said Gillis.
Fist bump.
Gillis continued after the fist bump, “I studied history in community college, Dill. The Second Amendment guarantees you can have any weapons you want. That goes for switchblades, can openers, and grenades. Liberals keep trying to take away our freedoms. I heard a Congressman say he didn’t want us to have tanks. Can you imagine?”
“They want to stop our right to own a tank? What about nerve gas?”
“After the burrito we just ate, they better not take away my rights to gas. I’m locked and loaded.”
Fist bump.
Gillis pulled up to the mansion, hit the breaks and skidded across the newly replaced lawn and knocked over a three-foot Italian marble statue of a nude eunuch. He backed away from the shattered marble, making sure the pickup wheels remained in his newly created ruts. “I want the help have plenty of room to pick up the pieces to the broken statue. If I knew who destroyed that statue ….” Gillis let his words trail.”
“What would you do, Gills?” asked Dill.
“I’d give him a medal.”
Fist Bump.
“Another thing I admire about you, Gills, is your thoughtfulness. Can I be the good cop today?”
“Who was the good cop last time. I think you were. I’m pretty sure you were. Here’s why I’m saying it. You were supposed to be the bad cop, but you didn’t pistol whip Sampson and then Taser him. You only threatened him. I didn’t want to say anything, but at first I was taken aback because threatening is definitely the role of the good cop,” said Gillis
Pickle pondered Gillis’ words. “You’re right. You were the cop that swung him around like a an Olympic discus toss. When will I learn, Gills?”
“Take years of practice, Dill. When I was in your shoes, I made the same mistakes. Keep your eyes on the master and learn my lessons.”
Gillis and Pickle walked up to the the main door. Pickle started jamming on the doorbell. Gillis said, “You coulda been a jazz player, Dill. You got a knack for improvisation.”
“Thanks, Gills. I’d take lessons if I wasn’t so busy making the city safe. We’re on a mission, Gills. It’s hard to think of the pleasures life can bring us,” said Dill.
Before Gillis could answer, the door opened, Fleming appeared. “I assume the police department has insurance to cover the cost of an irreplaceable marble statue of Gnozzi the Magic Eunuch? And, I’ll add the cost of a surveillance camera and wooden gate as well.” He looked at the pickup sitting on the lawn, “I might as well add the cost of repair of a formerly perfect lawn.”
Pickle looked at Gillis who’s looking at Fleming. He tapped Gillis on the shoulder. Gillis turned his head toward Pickle. “I need the practice Gills. I really do.”
Gillis turned to Pickle. He placed a hand on each shoulder. “God speed Dill. God speed.”
Ten seconds later, Fleming was on the ground staring up into Pickle’s radiant face Pickle had his steel toed assembly line shoe pressed against his Adam’s apple. “You got a problem with Gills and me? You wearing cufflinks? Are you related to Till? What was the relationship of Till and Sampson? I’m the good cop today. Gills is the bad cop. Things are going to get tougher if I turn you over to him. His blood sugar is low. The burrito didn’t help. You don’t want to be near him when his blood sugar is low.”
“Fleming turned his head toward Gillis, he mumbled, “You suffer from low blood sugar too?”
Gillis nodded. Fleming said, “Finally, someone who understands.”
Pickle looked at Gillis. Gillis shrugged his shoulders. Gillis caught a five minute clip about low blood sugar on the morning news. He assumed, people were not putting enough sugar into their morning coffee.
He said, “Listen up, Fleming. The best way to cure low blood sugar is to have high blood sugar. It’s why I like to stop by a donut shop around ten in the morning and two in the afternoon. Don’t tell me I already know what you’re thinking. You wonder how I came about acquiring this knowledge. Last summer I spend three months fasting and living only on green tea. When my fast was over, my Zen master had me gorge myself on donuts. I felt like superman.”
Pickle took Gillis aside, “I thought you spent your summer vacation with the hot secretary in petty crimes in Key West.”
“I did. Everything I told Fleming is crap to win him over to our side,” said Gillis.
“Brilliant. You have a gift for thinking strategically that has no peer, Gills,” said an admiring Pickle.
Fist bump.
Pickle said, “Fleming, I’m going to let you up, but you have to keep your low blood sugar in check.”
An appreciative Fleming nodded. Two minutes later Gillis, Pickle and Fleming sat at a table in Sampson’s kitchen. A piece of chocolate cherry cheesecake and cup of coffee in front of each one.
The Bumbling Detectives Return Tomorrow
Gillis Wants to Make Sure Wendy Doesn’t Reconcile With Her Husband.
Monday ~ The Bumbling Detectives Return
On Monday, Pickle says he’s fluent in Spanish but not Mexican.
18 ~ Gillis Tells Wendy He’s There For Her
18
Gillis turned toward Wendy Flox, “Hey, Babe. Glad it’s you picked up the assignment. We’ll leave as soon as you’re through here. Dill will take your car and you ride with me. We’ll pick up some Chinese takeout and go to my place where I’ll teach you the finer points of love.”
Wendy ignored Gillis and walked past him to the corpse, “Who found him?”
I did,” Fluke and Fluck answered together.
“You two in a barbershop quartet seeing you answered in harmony?” said a straight faced Wendy.
Fluke looked at Fluck. Fluck looked back at Fluke. They said in perfect harmony, “No, but we’re trying out for America’s Got Talent. We’re going to bill ourselves as “The Singing Cops.”
Pickle said, “It’ll be a fluke if you win. I think most voters will say, ‘Fluck it.”
Gillis burst out laughing, “Oh that’s rich. That is really, really good. Can I use it at the coffee shop tomorrow morning, Dill?”
“It’s yours partner. I think you might be a little late coming in tomorrow by the look of lust in the lady’s eyes,” said Pickle staring at Wendy Flox.
“Will you two stop it. It is not a question, it is a statement. I’ve had a rough day. Pat left me for another woman. So lay off the crap today,” said Wendy fighting back tears.
Gillis rushed to her side, “I’m here for you, Babe. I promise no more of the sexual banter that we’re famous for.” He winked at Pickle.
“Thanks, Gillis. Anyone see or find anything unusual?” said Wendy.
“I told detectives Gillis and Pickle about something strange I saw in the victim’s stomach cavity. I thought it was coin. Detective Gillis thinks it’s a piece of bone,” said Fluke.
Flox slipped on latex gloves, turned on her high-powered penlight, and used a pencil to lift part of the skin flap covering the victim’s cavity. She moved the penlight around and poked with with the pencil. She stopped in the upper left of the cavity and reached in with her gloved hand and pulled something out, “You’re both wrong. It’s a gold cufflink. Get me an evidence bag.”
Gillis turned to Pickle, “We find out who’s wearing the match to the cufflink we got our murderer, Dill. Did you happen to catch if the Cap was missing a cuff link?”
“He was missing his left cuff link, Gills. I assumed Clara pulled it off during a fit of passion. I love it when you pull it together Gills.”
Wendy looked up, “Are you talking about Clara Dunn?”
“I don’t know what she’s done, but I know what she’s doing and it has two names, Santiago and Courageous,” said Gillis.
“Add a third to the list,” said Wendy.
“Clara is getting around and building up a fine resume for being sexually active. What name do you have in mind?” asked Gillis.
“Flox!” said Wendy bursting into tears.
Gillis grabbed hold of Wendy’s two shoulders and shook her, “Get a grip, girl. We’ve got a case to solve and Pickle and I need you. I’m willing to put our relationship on the back burner until we clear the case. Once we clear it, I’m going to personally beat the crap of your cheating, lying, philandering skunk of husband. Who, by the way, you should throw under the bus. If you move in with me, we can share expenses. Are you on the pill? I don’t like to use condoms. We’ll talk about having my babies when things settle down.”
“You know how to cut to the chase, Gills,” quipped Pickle.
Flox pushed aways from Gillis. Flox, Fluke, and Fluck stared at Gillis and Pickle.
“Listen up, Babe. You got to do something with your hair,” said Gillis.
“I’m not your babe. Don’t speak to me. Don’t touch me. Don’t come around my office unless it’s official business. I thought Pat was the lowest form of human being and now I know someone lower. It’s disgusting.”
Gillis glared at Fluke, “Sorry she feels this way about you, Fluke. I don’t know what you did to upset her, but it’s best if you and your singing partner move away from here.”
Gillis turned back to Wendy, “I love it when you’re angry, Babe. The way I see it, your projecting a lot of your inner anger onto Fluke. He’s a couple of cookies short of a dozen. He’s not the brightest light bulb in the room. Fluke has a tough time finding a parking space in an empty parking lot. I can guarantee he’s a safe distance from being called a genius.”
Wendy lifted her eyes to the dark night, “Why? Why me? What are you trying to teach me surrounding me with men who don’t have a clue.”
Gillis broke into Wendy’s prayer, “That’s just it, Babe. I’m out there looking for a clue. Let’s go, Dill. We got a big break in the case with the cuff link.”
Gillis and Pickle sat on a red faux leather stool at the burrito bar. The only known burrito bar in the country, a Bazooka Burrito trademark. The bartender is a certified burrito-esta. An empty stool was between Gillis and Pickle.
“Looking at the deceased made me realize how hungry I was. I hate it when my blood sugar gets low,” said Gillis.
“Got to hand it you, Gills. You had Wendy eating out of your hand. You have a gift of talking. I think you ought to be a politician. You could talk circles around the group that’s out there. The country needs leaders like you. Women love you. Men respect you. I can’t see anyone of sound mind voting against you,” said Pickle.
“Oh, I’ve thought of it, Dill. I tossed it off the plate, there’s too much to do in the city. I see it as my job to make the city safe from pizza delivery cars, robo calls, and old people trying to use walkers to cross crosswalks. If I can clear those problems in my lifetime, it will be all worth it,” said Gillis. “Besides, I don’t think Wendy wants to be First Lady. She’d rather play second fiddle to me. I’m going to discourage that. I’m all in favor of women taking an equal place with men. That’s why I’m tossing her so much respect.”
“Gills you need to lead the next workshop on learning to think like a woman,” said Pickle.
THE BUMBLING DETECTIVES RETURN ON MONDAY WITH MORE NONSENSE
© Ray Calabrese 2018
17 ~ Gillis Plans to Chronicle Messages Left on Bathroom Stall Doors
17
Gillis pulled into Green Tree Park, turned off the road and pulled onto the grass. He gunned the motor causing the tires to spin making large ruts in the well kept picnic area. He drove his pickup around the picnic area practicing spinouts. When he was satisfied he mastered the spinout, he cut over to the bike and running trail and took a left to head toward the park pavilion.
“Dill, here’s a tip. When you have a crime scene in the park, you have to get off the road, and take the bike trail. It’s quicker and the bikers usually will get out of your way. If they’re wearing headphones you get up close and blast the siren, scares the hell out of them and teaches them a good lesson.”
“I learn something new everyday from you, Gills. Thanks for being my mentor. BTW, the young kids will love playing with all the dirt you kicked up in the picnic area,” said an appreciative Pickle.
Two blasts of the siren later, Gillis reached the park pavilion. He drove across the grass, and cut over to the parking lot and pulled into a handicap parking space. Pickle reached into the glove compartment, pulled out an oily rag, got out of the pickup, and draped the rag over the handicap sign. A moment later, Gillis joined him.
Pickle said, “The handicap folks have a great lobby, Gills. They get all the best parking spaces. Never seen anything like it.”
“No kidding, Dill. There’s even a three hundred dollar fine for parking in these spaces if you don’t have a valid sticker.”
“What handicap space Gills? I don’t see any,” laughed Pickle.
The detectives fist bumped. They turned and walk over to the crime scene. Gillis spotted two patrolmen on the scene. He said, “Looks like Fluke and Fluck. Don’t know why they don’t change their names, Dill. Somebody’s always writing about them on the commode stall walls. A lot of what is written is pretty creative. I’ve been thinking of using my vacation to travel across country and chronicle the writing on bathroom walls and I’ll take plenty of photos. My goal is to put together a coffee table book of women and men who will perform all kinds of weird sex acts along with their phone numbers.”
“Brilliant, Gills. Brilliant. Can I go with you?” asked Pickle.
Gillis had different plans. He said, “I got a hunch Wendy will be riding with me. She’ll get the lady’s stalls and I’ll get the men stalls. It will be a big seller.”
“Did you read her text, Gills? Did she sext you? Can I see the photo?” begged Pickle.
“Haven’t had a second to check it out. I sent her a quick text, telling her I’d be a bit late. I told her there is a key under the mat. Told her to go in and make herself at home, take a bath and lounge around in one of my tee shirts until I arrive.”
“You got all the moves, Gills. Jagger could have learned from you,” said Pickle.
I know what you mean, Dill.”
Pickle waved to the officers, “Hey Flicker, how they hanging?”
Fluke adjusted his belt, folded his arms across his chest, and said, “Up yours Pickle.”
“Hey Fluke, fluck you,” saidPickle
“I’m senior here, guys, leave Fluke alone. He took a lot of ribbing at the briefing at the start of the shift. I keep telling him to change his name,” said Fluck.
“No offense Fluke and Fluck,” said Pickle.
“None taken, Pickle,” said Fluke and Fluck.
“This how you guys found the corpse? Where’s the head? Gutted right? What’s that over there?” said Gillis.
“That’s where Fluke puked. First time he’s seen a gutted corpse. It’s to be expected. The head’s over there. No witnesses. We come through this time of night to chase out teenagers drinking or having sex, that kind of thing. Slow night, usually we can confiscate four or five six packs of beer. I haven’t bought beer in ages. We confiscate it, tell the kids we’re letting them off easy and to drive safely even if they’re stoned. Between us it’s the paperwork connected with a DUI, it’s not worth it,” said Fluck.
“I hear yah. Did the same thing before I made detective,” said Gillis.
“I think the ME might have something for you when the body’s examined,” said Fluck.
“Wendy’s here? Where is she?” said Gillis looking all around.
“Be gentle with her, Gillis. I hear she’s going through a bad breakup. Don’t know whose fault it is. Usually in these cases there’s always a third party interfering in what seemed like a perfect relationship,” said Fluck.
“I’d like to get my hands on the bastard. Wendy’s naïve and innocent. She was telling me she believes in one great love. Well, it looks the piece of crap she married proved that wrong,” said Gillis.
Fluck walked over to the deceased, shined his tactical flashlight on the victim’s cavity. “If I’m not mistaken, it looks like a coin in the cavity, right there.”
Gillis and Pickle bent over and stared on the spot where Loomis flashed his light. Gillis nudged Pickle, He said, “That’s a piece of bone. How do you figure it’s a coin Fluck, “What’s wrong with Fluke? Where’s he going. Oh, he’s puking again. He might need counseling to get that under control. Here comes Wendy. I’ll remember what you said when I hit on her.”
Fluck looked over to the ME wagon, “You and Wendy Flox? She broke up with Courageous’ son Pat, yesterday. You’re almost twice her age.”
“Hey, what can I say. I’m better looking than Pat. I got seniority over him. I’m further up the pay scale than him. And, I please the ladies, it’s a well known fact. Plus, a twenty-four hour waiting period on a breakup is all that’s expected. I think the twenty-four hour limit has been reached.”
Pickle chimed in, “Gills is right. You can go in any of the women’s room at headquarters. Check out the inside of the stall doors. You’ll find the women writing, If you want a good time call Gillis 555-2222.”
“How do you know what’s inside the stall doors?” asks Fluke, his face a combination of purple, yellow, and orange.
“Common knowledge, Fluke.”
16 ~ Pickle Gives Captain Courages Marital Advice
16
Courageous sat at his desk, his head bent low, his two hands pressed against the sides of his head. Not Margaret, my faithful wife and companion, is she really having an affair with the mayor? Courageous was having a hard time wrapping his head around. Sure he and his secretary, Clara, were banging each other’s bones. That was different. He was a man and he reasoned it was a well known fact men are the weaker of the two species and easily succumb to temptation. Hell, he thought, just ask Adam. What if Gillis was right? No, he couldn’t be. Margaret, his wife of thirty-seven years, was faithful, church going, Bible studying, compassionate woman who believed in the mayor and served as his confidant. What’s wrong with that? And, so it it went in his mind until Pickle butted in.
“I know what you’re thinking, Cap. We’re one step ahead of you,” said Pickle. “If you was looking more streamlined as opposed to looking like the Goodyear blimp, the Mrs might want you to have some horizontal refreshment instead of the mayor. You can’t blame her, she’s given you the best years of her life and all she gets is a guy with erectile dysfunction. Here’s my suggestion, have your stomach stapled, get a coffee enema. Starbucks may give you a discount if they’re introducing it. And, the big one, take three months off and go to a Tibetan monastery to master the karma sutra.”
“Are you insane?” Courageous said staring at Pickle.
“Cap, I can’t comment since I’m not a psychologist. Gills took a course in psychology. Gills am I insane?” asked Pickles sincerely.
Gills looked at him. Thought it over. Then said, “This is the way I see it. The most brilliant who walk among us are often criticized because their thoughts are so advanced. I see you so far out in front of the human race, Dill, not everyone understands you. Only, the most brilliant and sensitive people, like me, will get an inkling.”
Courageous watched the repartee between Gillis and Pickle and pondered what kind of hell he was living in.
Adding to Courageous despair, Pickle said, “No need to worry, Cap. I have it on good authority the mayor doesn’t have gonorrhea.”
“How do you know all this? Never mind. Don’t tell me. What about Sampson’s book?” Courageous muttered indistinctly.
“What book, Cap? I use an iPad to read my books. Books are old school. You’re better off donating your books so you can get a tax write off before they completely lose value. Sampson would be smart if he did the same thing. He’s got all these old books sitting collecting dusk in a book case. I’d gladly toss them in the trash for him,” said Gillis.
“If the police union wasn’t so strong, I’d fire you both. That’s what I’d do. I’d fire you both,” shouted Courageous
“Awe, you don’t mean that, Cap. That’s the stress your under talking. Pickle and me understand you have to satisfy two woman, your wife and Clara. That kind of stress can drive a man over the edge. Care to tell us how close you are to the edge? I’m trained to talk jumpers back to safety. I learned to do this when you assigned Pickle and me to psychological counseling. Changed my life. Changed Pickle’s too,” said Gillis
Courageous desk phone rang. Courageous held up his hand palm facing Gillis and Pickle, and put the phone receiver to his ear, “Yes. When? Keep it quiet. Don’t use police frequencies. I’ll send Gillis and Pickle over. It’s their case.”
“There’s been another killing, decapitation, and gutting. On the way out, stop by burglary and see if Clara is helping Santiago. Tell her I need to talk to her.”
“Give my best to Mrs. Courageous, Cap. Do you want Dill and me to get some photos of the Mrs and the Mayor? It’ll be helpful in your divorce. We’ll do it on our off time for free.”
“Get out. Get out. Get out,” screamed Courageous.
Gillis and Pickle left Courageous’s office.
“What was that, Gills?” asked Pickle looking back at the closed door.
“It sounds like he threw his revolver at the door. It’s a good thing he has us, Dill. We knock his stress down to a manageable level. Throwing things at the door is something I suggested to Cap when he felt overwhelmed. He must have had a stressful phone call right after we left.”
Gillis pulled his pickup truck out of a handicap zone knocking the rear bumper off of the handicap van in front of him.
“You gonna leave a note saying you hit him?” asked Pickle.
“Why?” asked Gillis. “If anything, whoever it was who parked there can go get three estimates and overcharge their insurance. They’ll get the bumper fixed and have a few bucks on the side.”
“Gills, you always think of the little guy,” said Pickle.
“It was the way I was raised,” said Gillis.
“Gills, we got to solve the case. The pressure’s getting to Cap. I’d hate to see him have a nervous breakdown. Deep down he loves us. He’s like a father to me. How about you?”
“I know what you mean, Dill. Cap’s coming apart right in front of us. The cookie’s crumbling. Humpty Dumpty’s falling off the wall. The egg yolk broke. He’s driving a six cylinder car and only two cylinder’s are firing.”
