1 – They May Be The World’s Worst Detectives

1

Gillis walked around the corpse, stared at the moonless sky and turned to his partner of five years, “Never seen anything like it, Dill. How many years I been doing this? Ten, fifteen, twenty? I lost count after eight. How about you?”

Oscar “Dill” Pickle, took a sip of Quick Trip coffee, “I don’t understand your question, Gills. You asking me how many years you been doing this? Or, are you asking me if I ever seen anything like this? As for the answer to the first question, can I phone a friend? As for the answer to the second question, I been doing it since I started doing it. I tell you one thing or maybe four things, Gill, it’s enough to to turn your stomach turn. It’s a rough one. We’ll never locate any next of kindles.”

“No need to phone a friend because I think I’m the only friend you have, Dill. Anyway, I think the word you meant to use is kin, not kindles,” said Gillis flicking through Instagram photos on his iPhone app.

“I think you’re mistaken, Gills. Like, if you says to me, ‘Dill, kin you get me a coffee.’ I answer, ‘I kin do that.’ See what I’m saying?” 

Gillis  scratched his balls with his left hand. He said, “I think I got jock itch or crabs. I’m not sure what it is. You know if you can get crabs from eating seafood? I eat lots of shrimp. Be that as it may, kin, kindles, kinetics, it’s all the same, Dill.” 

“You got that right, Gills. FYI, the crabs you got don’t come from crabs. If crabs came from crabs all the crabs would have crabs, see what I’m saying?” said Pickle.

“I’m trying to wrap my head around it, you got a way of getting very deep, Dill. As a matter of fact, I don’t like crabs,” said Gillis still scratching.  “You know what’s good for crabs?”

Pickle shook his head yes, “Tabasco sauce goes good with them. You can also flavor them with lemon or Sriracha. If you’e been eating crabs without the seasonings, I can see why you don’t like them.”

Gillis struggled to come up with an answer. Dill had a heart of gold and a brain traveling at the speed of light on a different wave length. He finally responded, “Great advice, Dill. I’ll mention it to my gynecologist at my annual physical.”

“That’s why you’re so healthy, Gills. I got to follow your example. I need a good gynecologist,” said Pickle.

Gillis carried his Philly Cheesesteak sub and walked around the deceased, “I got a question I don’t understand. Why us? Why did Captain Courageous give this case to you and me? It doesn’t make sense. If they ranked all the detectives in the department, I got to put you and me at the top of the list. There’s something funny going on, Dill. It doesn’t smell right to me.”

“First of all, Gills, it doesn’t smell right because I think the deceased has been deceased for a few hours before he was found. That’s where the funny smell comes from. Take a look at the bright side. Who else is Courageous got that has the chops to solve this case? Here we are at Folsom Sampson’s mansion investigating a murder his administrative assistant reported. Rumor has it, Sampson and the mayor’s wife may be more than social friends if you know what I mean.”

“That’s true, Dill. At the same time, rumor has it that Mayor Gibson is doing more than socializing with Courageous’s wife. None of that has nothing to do with this case. Did I just use a double negative in the same sentence?”

Pickle scratched is butt, “If you are trying to be grammatically correct, you were spot on. They changed the grammar rules so a double negative is now correct.”

“When did that happen?”

“I think it happened while we were playing eight ball at Rovers last week,” said Pickle. “Question. Can you catch crabs by hearing someone talk about them?”

“I don’t think so. I haven’t heard of anyone catching them by listening to it. I heard you can catch crabs by sitting on a toilet seat,” said Gillis scratching his groin. He stooped over the decease. Then looked up at Pickle. “I’m going to cut to the chase. This is a friggin monkey.”

“Calm down, Gills. Courageous said the mayor wants results and he wants results fast. His wife is demanding results. That’s why the thing between the mayor’s wife and Sampson is important.”

“I suppose, Dill. Say we catch the killer or killers, what are they going to get? I don’t think it’s a crime to kill a monkey, I don’t care how large it is.”

Pickle continued to scratch his butt, “I sat on a toilet at the burger place. You think the seat had crabs? I think I got them. I can feel them crawling all around. You don’t think they’ll go up my colon, do you?”

”I hope not. Maybe Wendy will know. She’s the ME on duty. I won’t let her know I’m talking about us because she has the hots for me. If she thought I had crabs, it might be a turnoff.”

“On the other hand, Gills, it could be a turn on if she’s into seafood. I know some buffets where you can eat all the Alaskan crab you want,” said Pickle.

Gillis stared off into space wondering where Pickle took a wrong turn. He shook the cobwebs out of his head, glanced at the monkey and said,  “We got a decapitation. The perp or perps, as the case may be, left the monkey-head next to the body. The deceased’s eyes got gouged out. All his teeth been yanked out. All you can hope is that the deceased was deceased before he was deceased.”

“You ever thought of writing, Gills? You got a ways with words. I hopes the deceased was deader than dead because if he wasn’t there’s no way he wasn’t going to feel what was happening, especially when he got his head cut off,” said Dill swirling Dr Pepper in his mouth like mouthwash. 

“Good thing you put yellow crime scene tape up to keep the reporters from trampling all over the crime scene. Why’d you think the eyeballs were gouged out? Would a normal person gouge out monkey eyeballs? Why are you taking photos with your iPhone? The lab team will take all the crime photos we need.” asked Gillis.

“Dill stooped down next to the decapitated monkey head, looked up at Gillis, and said, “My girlfriend, Chiquita, gets turned on by crime scene photos.”

“I thought you were going with Elaine?” said Gillis.

“Chiquita changed her name legally from Elaine to Chiquita to help her career. She’s into movies. About the eyeballs. It’s normal to gouge out monkey eyeballs. Say the killer had cataracts. I hear monkey don’t get cataracts. That means you can replace your eyes with monkey eyes and never worry about getting cataracts. If this is the case, I think it’s normal. What’s not normal is if the killer deep fried them. I’m not sure what goes good with fried monkey eyeballs.”

Gillis scratched his head with his can of soda and said, “Anything deep fried tastes good, even monkey eyes. I like ketchup on anything deep fried. Hell, I’d eat a dirty sock if it was deep fried and I could put ketchup on it. Can I ask you a question without you being offended?”

WHAT PERSONAL QUESTION DOES GILLIS WANT TO ASK HIS PARTNER, DILL?  

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A Short Story: “The Happy Prince” by Oscar Wilde (Part 2)

The Happy Prince ~ Part 2 of 2

by Oscar Wilde

When the moon rose he flew back to the Happy Prince.  “Have you any commissions for Egypt?” he cried; “I am just starting.”

“Swallow, Swallow, little Swallow,” said the Prince, “will you not stay with me one night longer?”

“I am waited for in Egypt,” answered the Swallow.  “To-morrow my friends will fly up to the Second Cataract.  The river-horse couches there among the bulrushes, and on a great granite throne sits the God Memnon.  All night long he watches the stars, and when the morning star shines he utters one cry of joy, and then he is silent.  At noon the yellow lions come down to the water’s edge to drink.  They have eyes like green beryls, and their roar is louder than the roar of the cataract.”

“Swallow, Swallow, little Swallow,” said the Prince, “far away across the city I see a young man in a garret.  He is leaning over a desk covered with papers, and in a tumbler by his side there is a bunch of withered violets.  His hair is brown and crisp, and his lips are red as a pomegranate, and he has large and dreamy eyes.  He is trying to finish a play for the Director of the Theatre, but he is too cold to write any more.  There is no fire in the grate, and hunger has made him faint.”

“I will wait with you one night longer,” said the Swallow, who really had a good heart.  “Shall I take him another ruby?”

“Alas!  I have no ruby now,” said the Prince; “my eyes are all that I have left.  They are made of rare sapphires, which were brought out of India a thousand years ago.  Pluck out one of them and take it to him.  He will sell it to the jeweller, and buy food and firewood, and finish his play.”

“Dear Prince,” said the Swallow, “I cannot do that”; and he began to weep.

“Swallow, Swallow, little Swallow,” said the Prince, “do as I command you.”

So the Swallow plucked out the Prince’s eye, and flew away to the student’s garret.  It was easy enough to get in, as there was a hole in the roof.  Through this he darted, and came into the room.  The young man had his head buried in his hands, so he did not hear the flutter of the bird’s wings, and when he looked up he found the beautiful sapphire lying on the withered violets.

“I am beginning to be appreciated,” he cried; “this is from some great admirer.  Now I can finish my play,” and he looked quite happy.

The next day the Swallow flew down to the harbour.  He sat on the mast of a large vessel and watched the sailors hauling big chests out of the hold with ropes.  “Heave a-hoy!” they shouted as each chest came up.  “I am going to Egypt”! cried the Swallow, but nobody minded, and when the moon rose he flew back to the Happy Prince.

“I am come to bid you good-bye,” he cried.

“Swallow, Swallow, little Swallow,” said the Prince, “will you not stay with me one night longer?”

“It is winter,” answered the Swallow, “and the chill snow will soon be here.  In Egypt the sun is warm on the green palm-trees, and the crocodiles lie in the mud and look lazily about them.  My companions are building a nest in the Temple of Baalbec, and the pink and white doves are watching them, and cooing to each other.  Dear Prince, I must leave you, but I will never forget you, and next spring I will bring you back two beautiful jewels in place of those you have given away.  The ruby shall be redder than a red rose, and the sapphire shall be as blue as the great sea.”

“In the square below,” said the Happy Prince, “there stands a little match-girl.  She has let her matches fall in the gutter, and they are all spoiled.  Her father will beat her if she does not bring home some money, and she is crying.  She has no shoes or stockings, and her little head is bare.  Pluck out my other eye, and give it to her, and her father will not beat her.”

“I will stay with you one night longer,” said the Swallow, “but I cannot pluck out your eye.  You would be quite blind then.”

“Swallow, Swallow, little Swallow,” said the Prince, “do as I command you.”

So he plucked out the Prince’s other eye, and darted down with it.  He swooped past the match-girl, and slipped the jewel into the palm of her hand.  “What a lovely bit of glass,” cried the little girl; and she ran home, laughing.

Then the Swallow came back to the Prince.  “You are blind now,” he said, “so I will stay with you always.”

“No, little Swallow,” said the poor Prince, “you must go away to Egypt.”

“I will stay with you always,” said the Swallow, and he slept at the Prince’s feet.

All the next day he sat on the Prince’s shoulder, and told him stories of what he had seen in strange lands.  He told him of the red ibises, who stand in long rows on the banks of the Nile, and catch gold-fish in their beaks; of the Sphinx, who is as old as the world itself, and lives in the desert, and knows everything; of the merchants, who walk slowly by the side of their camels, and carry amber beads in their hands; of the King of the Mountains of the Moon, who is as black as ebony, and worships a large crystal; of the great green snake that sleeps in a palm-tree, and has twenty priests to feed it with honey-cakes; and of the pygmies who sail over a big lake on large flat leaves, and are always at war with the butterflies.

“Dear little Swallow,” said the Prince, “you tell me of marvellous things, but more marvellous than anything is the suffering of men and of women.  There is no Mystery so great as Misery.  Fly over my city, little Swallow, and tell me what you see there.”

So the Swallow flew over the great city, and saw the rich making merry in their beautiful houses, while the beggars were sitting at the gates.  He flew into dark lanes, and saw the white faces of starving children looking out listlessly at the black streets.  Under the archway of a bridge two little boys were lying in one another’s arms to try and keep themselves warm.  “How hungry we are!” they said.  “You must not lie here,” shouted the Watchman, and they wandered out into the rain.

Then he flew back and told the Prince what he had seen.

“I am covered with fine gold,” said the Prince, “you must take it off, leaf by leaf, and give it to my poor; the living always think that gold can make them happy.”

Leaf after leaf of the fine gold the Swallow picked off, till the Happy Prince looked quite dull and grey.  Leaf after leaf of the fine gold he brought to the poor, and the children’s faces grew rosier, and they laughed and played games in the street.  “We have bread now!” they cried.

Then the snow came, and after the snow came the frost.  The streets looked as if they were made of silver, they were so bright and glistening; long icicles like crystal daggers hung down from the eaves of the houses, everybody went about in furs, and the little boys wore scarlet caps and skated on the ice.

The poor little Swallow grew colder and colder, but he would not leave the Prince, he loved him too well.  He picked up crumbs outside the baker’s door when the baker was not looking and tried to keep himself warm by flapping his wings.

But at last he knew that he was going to die.  He had just strength to fly up to the Prince’s shoulder once more.  “Good-bye, dear Prince!” he murmured, “will you let me kiss your hand?”

“I am glad that you are going to Egypt at last, little Swallow,” said the Prince, “you have stayed too long here; but you must kiss me on the lips, for I love you.”

“It is not to Egypt that I am going,” said the Swallow.  “I am going to the House of Death.  Death is the brother of Sleep, is he not?”

And he kissed the Happy Prince on the lips, and fell down dead at his feet.

At that moment a curious crack sounded inside the statue, as if something had broken.  The fact is that the leaden heart had snapped right in two.  It certainly was a dreadfully hard frost.

Early the next morning the Mayor was walking in the square below in company with the Town Councillors.  As they passed the column he looked up at the statue: “Dear me! how shabby the Happy Prince looks!” he said.

“How shabby indeed!” cried the Town Councillors, who always agreed with the Mayor; and they went up to look at it.

“The ruby has fallen out of his sword, his eyes are gone, and he is golden no longer,” said the Mayor in fact, “he is litttle better than a beggar!”

“Little better than a beggar,” said the Town Councillors.

“And here is actually a dead bird at his feet!” continued the Mayor.  “We must really issue a proclamation that birds are not to be allowed to die here.”  And the Town Clerk made a note of the suggestion.

So they pulled down the statue of the Happy Prince.  “As he is no longer beautiful he is no longer useful,” said the Art Professor at the University.

Then they melted the statue in a furnace, and the Mayor held a meeting of the Corporation to decide what was to be done with the metal.  “We must have another statue, of course,” he said, “and it shall be a statue of myself.”

“Of myself,” said each of the Town Councillors, and they quarreled.  When I last heard of them they were quarreling still.

“What a strange thing!” said the overseer of the workmen at the foundry.  “This broken lead heart will not melt in the furnace.  We must throw it away.”  So they threw it on a dust-heap where the dead Swallow was also lying.

“Bring me the two most precious things in the city,” said God to one of His Angels; and the Angel brought Him the leaden heart and the dead bird.

“You have rightly chosen,” said God, “for in my garden of Paradise this little bird shall sing for evermore, and in my city of gold the Happy Prince shall praise me.”

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