sitcom

She’s A Snob’s Snob

by

I feel like I’m walking in quicksand. I’m sinking deeper and deeper into La Flor’s world. Yesterday, La Flor told me her resume matched up perfectly with a job opening working for Big Carmen in his “other” business. You know about his “other” business. She invited me to work for Big Carmen. I passed, again. I hired a plumber to unclog my toilet after O’Leary stopped by to use it. I didn’t realize donuts had that much fiber. My front door is back on its hinges. I hope LC remembers to use the nob instead of his shoulder the next time he opens it. I’m going to talk La Flor out of working for Big Carmen. Let’s see how it goes.

La Flor and LC were out late last night, they’re sleeping in this morning. The house is quiet, until I hear, “LC, please get me a cup of coffee. I can smell it. Ray must have made it for me.”

Huh?

LC walked out of the bedroom in his pajama bottoms, hairy chest, disheveled hear, rubbing his eyes. It’s not his best look. He sees me, “Ray-mo is dis what they calls da break of day?”

I ignored his question. I already have La Flor’s coffee in her favorite mug, the one with her image on the side, “It’s over there, LC. Do you have a hangover?”

LC pretended as he didn’t hear me. He walked over to the coffee maker and grabbed hold of La Flor’s coffee cup, “Do use tinks, my beautiful, tough, and edgy woman will notice if I takes a sippy?”

“What do you think, LC? I’m not helping you if you do,” I said.

“Geez, can I has a sippy of yours?” said LC.

LC took my cup and walked back to the bedroom. A moment later LC reappeared, “Ray-mo, use got any bagels left? I got to toast one, spread cream cheese on it, cut it into fourths, and brings it with a nappy to my beautiful, tough, and edgy woman.”

“Yes, there are two bagels left, I was saving one for …”

“Me? Tanks. I won’t forgets dis,” said LC.

Dear reader, do you think this is a one time occurrence? I think not. It happens at least five times a week. LC is getting in shape running back and forth from the bedroom waiting on La Flor. He doesn’t seem to mind. A hour later, La Flor makes her entrance. I’ll rephrase that, the queen makes her entrance. Not a hair out of place, makeup perfectly applied, clothes and attitude – casual chic.

“La Flor, we need to talk. You can’t work for Big Carmen,” I said.

“Ray, Ray, Ray. You are the epitome of  jealousy. You cringe when others are successful. You envy brilliant minds like Big Carmen’s and mine. You become so insecure when our shadows fall upon you.”

So much for a dialogue this morning.

“You’ve accepted the job? Do you know what this means? Are you ready to face the consequences?”

“Those are the wrong questions, Ray. You should ask, “Can I throw a party for you for being so successful? That would be good for starters.”

“Let’s have a civil discussion, La Flor. What will you be doing?” I asked.

“It’s under negotiations. One possibility is to be wheelman?”

“Wheelman? Do you know what a wheelman is?”

“Ray, I was born on the weekend, I’m not sure which one. Can you help me here. Another possibility is connoisseur of acquired property, especially jewelry. And, there’s a third option, it’s my fav,” said La Flor.

“Which is?” I asked.

“Teaming with LC so the Feds and local police don’t get too interested.”

“Did use call me, beautiful, tough, and edgy one? What does use need? I am at use beck and call. I am use dog and pony show. I am use gopher. What use wants, considers it done.”

“I see your teamwork is already paying off,” I said.

“Listen, Ray. I’m only going to say this to you. I want you to go with LC and me tonight. We’re going to case Francine Peony’s mansion.”

“Francine Peony, the famous writer? She’s always on the talk shows. Your going rob her place?”

“No. Big Carmen acquired an invitation to her party so the three of us can go. You can help us take notes of her jewelry, paintings, and other expensive items and report to Big Carmen.”

“You can’t do that,” I said.

“Francine is the snob’s snob. A little humility will be good for her. Now don’t say a word.”

Before I can speak, “Open up, it’s the police.”

“LC, let O’Leary in,” I said.

O’Leary comes in carrying a cup of to go coffee and a bag from MacDonald’s. “I’m on break. I don’t like to eat alone, so’s I taught I’d stop by.”

“Is that a happy meal?” I said.

O’Leary nods. “I skip the donuts today to keep my weight down. I like to keep my snacks light so’s I can keep trim and fit.”

I can’t see his belt. His belly is smothering it.

“Before I sits down. I’m going to turn around. Tell me if use can see my wire.”

“You’re wired,” I said.

“You betcha.”

“Who you after?” I asked, worried it was someone in the house.

“I’m not quite sure, but when I find them, I’ll know.” O’Leary turned around.

I said, “This is not police department issue. You going rogue?”

“How did you know?” asked O’Leary.

“You’re wearing the wire on the outside of your coat.”

Oh my. What’s going to happen at Francine Peon’s party? Come by tomorrow to find out.

She Have A Twin Sister?

by

“Why do I have to drive? Why are we sitting in a car on a dark street near the Fur Palace? Why are you two making out in the backseat and I have a small cold pizza from Carmen’s Pizzeria?”

No Answer. Message not received in the back seat. Only heavy breathing.

A beat up pickup pulls in front of me. It’s O’Leary.

O’Leary gets out of the pickup, walks over to the passenger side door, opens it, sees my half eaten, cold pizza on the seat. O’Leary says, “I’m hungry do you mind if I have a piece?”

“Have it all, I’m finished,” I said.

O’Leary slid into the passenger side. He layered the four pieces of pizza, opened his mouth and slid the pizza inside. After he finished chewing,  he said, “This way I can tell my doc I only ate one piece.” He looked into the backseat, “Great cover, I got to hand it to them, nobody can figure them to be on stakeout. It almost looks real, what they’re doing.”

“Yah, they got it all together,” I said.

“She have a twin sister? I’m thinking of going back on the market after my bad breakup,” said O’Leary jerking a thumb over his shoulder.

“Not that I know of,” I said.

“I’m gonna hit the gym foist. I wanna lose these love handles, drop my double chin, trim my waist down about seven inches. How long you think it’s gonna take?”

I want to say an eternity. I hold my thought and said, “Oh, about two to three weeks. You have high metabolism. I can tell.”

A voice from the back.

“O’Leary, use wanna go out wit Gina Abbrighi? I can fix use up. She jus got done wit a bad breakup so use two got something in common,” said LC.

Yah, nobody likes either one. My thought remained silent.

I thought I heard the B word coming from the back seat, but I’m not sure and besides, it’s a family blog.

“Feed her donuts, O’Leary. She loves them. She’d like a dozen donuts more than a dozen roses,” said La Flor in a faux sincere voice.

“Gives me a week to go to them gym. I tink I’ll start laying off broccoli and spinach. Those go straight from the lips to the hips,” said O’Leary.

“Where’d you hear that?” I asked.

“From Joey G. He owns Joey’s donut shop.”

O’Leary felt his cell vibrate. He took it out of his pocket. Turned it on, read the text message. “French Furs was hit on the other side of town.”

O’Leary turned to the backseat, “They got some smarts; don’t know how they figured we’d be watching dis place; they hit Frenchy’s Furs on the udder side of town.”

“We’ll stay a few more minutes O’Leary in case they try to hit the Fur Palace knowing you left,” said La Flor.

“Use got brains to go wit that beauty,” said O’Leary as he closed the passenger side door.

“Besides, LC and me have a little unfinished business. Ray, keep watching the Fur Palace and turn the music up high.”

I don’t even have a cold cup of lousy coffee like they do on a TV stakeout.

It’s The Police – Any Donuts Left?

by

“La Flor and LC we need to talk. Family discussion. I’ve got something that’s bothering me,” I said working on my fourth cup of coffee.

“Too much caffeine is gonna gives use the jitterbugs, Ray-mo. Maybe the runners,” said LC.

“I drink coffee when my anxiety cranks up,” I said in rapid speak. I need to buy an espresso machine, I’ll get my caffeine in one sip.

“It’s not your turn, Ray. Remember, I went first and we worked it out. We still have to have an intervention. My advice, get in line if you’ve got a problem. I heard Dr. Phil say this on a tough love segment.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll wait my turn. Let’s settle down. Where’s Big Carmen? Is he okay with it?” I asked.

“Two things. All Big Carmen knows is that you want to see him. And second, I’m not ready to settle down. LC would you pour me a glass of the good white wine, not Ray’s cheap stuff that ruins whatever he cooks. Add a few crackers and cheese to help me listen better,” said La Flor scrolling through her likes on all the social media.

“I is at use beak and call beautiful, tough, and edgy star of my dreams,” said LC.

Exit LC for five minutes.

Not again. The front door bangs against my wall, it bangs again, I hear a voice say, “Dat’s not good.” Then another voice, “Maybe he won’t notice it, move the lamp over.”

The handyman is now number one on speed dial.

Enter Big Carmen and his trusted lieutenant, Lil Carlo. Big Carmen stops at the entrance to the living room, he covers his eyes, pulls out his Ray-bans that hang over the third button of his shirt. The first two buttons left undone to show of his virility.

“I needs my shades to stop me from going blind from the glow of use beauty, beautiful, tough, edgy and sexy woman who might do a bit better than LC.”

I think I’m starting to understand the problem.

LC whispers to me, “I wish I coulds speak like Big Carmen. He can charm the ink off paper. He can tame a wild ballerina (I think he meant to say hyena). He can make woman fall all over him like he was a Castanova (He meant Casanova).”

La Flor, for her part, is no help, “Oh Big Carmen, you handsome lug. You say the sweetest things.” Thankfully, she didn’t do the leap. Instead, they meet halfway and hug, kisses on the cheeks barely avoiding the lips.

LC spoke up, He didn’t want La Flor and Big Carmen to have a moment, if you know what I mean. See, I’m now talking like these guys. LC said, “Ray-mo, tell Big Carmen whys he here.”

“Me?” I said pointing to myself.

“Tell him whats use said about the prevention,”

Big Carmen lets go of La Flor. La Flor glides over to the sofa and pats the seat next to her. Both LC and Big Carmen make for it. They slam the brakes. A knock at the door, a voice, it’s O’Leary saying what O’Leary says when he knocks on doors, “It’s the police, any donuts left?”

Big Carmen grabs me by the shoulders, “Did use rat me out?”

“No.”

“Why’s he here?”

“He’s LC’s friend.”

“He on the payroll, LC?” said Big Carmen.

“Do donuts count as being on payroll,” answered LC.

“No, but it’s a good start.Answer the door, Ray. We don’t want to keep the first responders waiting,” said Big Carmen.

La Flor helps out with the  sticky problem of where to sit when she slid to the middle of the sofa. LC went to her left. Big Carmen to her right. And La Flor right where she liked to be, in the middle of it all.

I walked O’Leary into the living room. His first words, “Hi Big Carmen I feel like I know you. The vice squad is always bringing up your name.”

“I hope what they has to say is good. Next time use sees them, tell them about my copper special, Free pizza on Saturday nights for cops in uniform.”

O’Leary looked crushed, “What about plainclothes cops?”

Big Carmen looked O’Leary up and down, “Yah, I feels sorry for use. Use clothes is plain enough. Use can have free pizza too. Now why we here.”

La Flor said, “Ray said, you were making a play for me and it’s making LC nervous because you’re so handsome, you’re blue eyes see right through me, and your muscles, oh your muscles, do you hit the gym every day?”

I thought LC was going to start crying.

Big Carmen looked at La Flor, then he looked at LC, then he looked at me, then he looked at O’Leary, “Use wearing a wire?”

“That’s only on TV. Nobody wears wires anymore. I like hanging out here. Ray wrote me in his blog.”

Big Carmen said, “Good to know who I gotta watch.” He jabbed an index finger toward me.  He took hold of La Flor’s hand, and said, “I only knows one way to say it …

O’Leary put his index and middle finger on his lower lip and blew. A wet, sloppy fizzing sound came out. “I can’t get the handle of the whistle. Not to worry folks, I took a workshop on family disputes. I only stayed until they were out of donuts, But maybe I learned something.”

Big Carmen said, “What kind of family, this family or the other family. Besides be quiet I got something to ask the beautiful, tough, and edgy every man’s heart throb.”

What is Big Carmen going to ask La Flor? Come back tomorrow to find out.

A Dozen Donuts For The Detective

by

I’m in the yard talking to a cardinal some six feet away from me enjoying the breakfast buffet at the bird feeder. This is a clear sign I’m careering down a slippery slope. I said formally, “Mr. Cardinal I’m considering changing my address to the House of Horrors, the Comedy Channel, Bizzaro World, Nightmare on Elm Street. What do you think?”

The cardinal looks at me, bends his head down and picks up a sunflower seed. He gives me a whatever look. Then I hear a voice . . .

“Ray-mo it’s my turn.”

Ah, the nasal accent from one, LC. I bid goodbye to the cardinal, slowly walk across the grass hoping LC changes his mind. Open the patio door, and sitting at table are LC, La Flor, and O’Leary. O’Leary? I thought I wrote him out of the blog yesterday!

“You carrying?” the first words out of O’Leary’s mouth.

Is he nuts? I’m wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

La Flor speaks, “Good morning grumpy. Let’s turn those corners up, give us a little teeny, tiny smile.” She stops for a moment, then adds, “How does it feel? That’s your line when LC or me are not in the best mood, which by the way is never.”

“Use wants a bagel wit locks (yes, he said locks instead of lox). And, we gots six varieties of cream cheese. And, for the detective I gots a dozen assorted donuts because he’s what you calls, a stereotype. No offense meant, O’Leary.”

“None taken, LC. What’s wrong wit an Irish cop who loves donuts? I tell yah, nothing,” O’Leary bites in a jelly donut. The reddish goo slipping on to the table. O’Leary uses his forefinger to wipe it up and consume it.

I have to admit the bagels look like real New York bagels, foolishly I ask LC, “Where did you get them?”

LC looks at La Flor. La Flor looks at O’Leary who is holding his strawberry filled jelly donut in his right hand and has a glazed donut in his left hand. “I Calls it the assembly line method,” said O’Leary. He added, “Sometimes a first or second responder has to eat when he or she can eat, hear what I’m saying?”

The three of us, “We hear you (ok, LC said use).

“Where’d you get the food, I asked again?”

LC looks at O’Leary, “Ray-mo shoulda been a cop the way he don’t let go of none of his questions.” Then he turns to me, “I got em at a good place and they was on special because I was the foist one in the store. Punctuation has its reward (he meant to say punctuality).

La Flor got up walk around the table and came up behind O’Leary, “O’Leary, can I test your hearing? I’m considering becoming an audiologist after I try rodeo, NASCAR, a logger, or steeplejack.”

O’Leary’s mouth was stuffed with the jelly donut, the glaze next in line for takeoff, nodded his head. La Flor put her hands over O’Leary’s ears, then nodded to LC.

LC looked at me, “I gots the bagels from Stein and Goldmans Bagels on 4th and the donuts from the Donut Factor on 5th since they was in the same neighborhood. They cost me nothing because I got them on the early bird special.”

“Did you B & E to get them, LC?” I asked.

“Me?” said LC pointing a finger at his chest. Then he said, “If I says what I tinks use wants me to say I may be discriminating against me (ok, incriminating for those who are not sure of LC speak).”

La Flor removed her hands, “Did you hear anything O’Leary?”

O’Leary polised off the glaze. “Nope. Is my hearing okay?”

“Perfect,” said La Flor.

O’Leary picked up his cell, took a call, turned to the three of us, “I got to beat it, crime is breaking out in a big way in my precinct. We had two overnight burglaries, one at Stein and Goldman’s and the other at the Donut Factory.”

O’Leary took a last sip of coffee, grabbed a donut in one hand a bagel in the other, “If use guys hear anyting, text me.”

“We got use back,” said LC.

“La Flor your covering up,” I said.

“Of course, Ray. I’m not going to walk around the house nude. Give me some credit.”

See what I mean? How do I communicate? I give it another try, “Okay, LC. What’s your problem.”

“Actually, Ray-mo, it’s not me whose got the problem.”

“I thought you said it was very important,” I said.

“It is. And, I been talking to the beautiful, tough, and edgy brilliant woman who tells me it’s time for an invention.”

“An invention?” I asked.

La Flor butted in, “Intervention, Ray.”

“Who’s the target of the intervention?” I asked. I don’t feel good about this one.

My fears are confirmed when LC said, “Big Carmen.”

“Huh?”

He Took A Vegan Out for Barbecue?

by

Here’ hoping the third time is the charm. La Flor is strangling her iPhone X. LC (AKA Little Carmen) is spending the time playing licks on his air guitar. Me? I feel like I’m watching a Disney cartoon. And, being forced to see it over and over again until I crack.

La Flor’s voice breaks the silence. “I’m ready to spill my guts. I ready to tell all. I’ll sell my story to the dirt rags. They’ll get the truth out. I’m not holding back. I’m going to expose that mystery blog writer. She’ll be sorry.” La Flor’s voice rising with each word. A few more words and my windows would crack.

“Wants me to take care of her so she doesn’t bother use no more? Me and buddies could, use know, take her for a swim” asked LC.

“Don’t you dare go swimming with her. She’s cute, but not beautiful. LC, they’re not real, like mine. Stay out of it. Stay as far away from her as possible. I may need Lil Carlo, though,” she said.

Time for me to jump in with two feet, “Lil Carlo, doesn’t he …”

“Yes, he does,” said LC.

“I’m sure we can work this out, La Flor. It’s probably a simple misunderstanding,” I said.

“There is no way she’s going to jiggle those things of hers at LC and get out of this. I’ve got the goods and she’s going down.”

“Here’s what she did ….”

A knock on the door. “Don’t answer it, Ray.” said La Flor.

A harder knock on the door, and a male voice said, “It’s the police.”

LC said, “I didn’t do it.”

I went to the door, looked through the spy hole. Read the ID the plainclothes detective was holding up. I opened the door, “What can I do for you?”

“I’m detective Sean O’Leary. I’m here to talks to one Little Carmen, AKA LC, AKA guitar man, AKA meatball, AKA the dude, AKA Don Juan, and twelve others. ” (I used an Irish name for the detective because it’s a stereotype – please don’t write, it’s all in fun).

I walked O’Leary into the living room. LC looked up, walked over and said, “Hey Red, how’s it going. Use still going with the girl from the vegan food blog?”

“No, she split when I tooks her out for barbeque. I tried vegan. One and done, use knows what I mean?”

They all talk this way from the neighborhood. English is a second language.

“I bet she don’t likes pepperoni, neither. Use want me to have tonight’s special sent to use apartment seeing use is not with anyone for the present moment or two. Free of charge, no tip because use is one of the first responders.”

They know each other? A free pizza? No tip?

“It’s rough, man. Not having a woman to dote on me; telling me I’m Superman.”

“Use know a woman who does that?” asked LC.

“I did, but she was vegan. I dig her but the food I don’t. Listen up, I got to question use, LC, about a heist at Best Buy. I don’t want to do it. But I gots no choice in the matter. I normally don’t make to this blog. In fact, this is the foist time I been in this blog. How do use like hanging out with this guy?” He pointed a thumb toward me.

“First off, to answer use question. I’m innocent as a baby rattler. As for Ray-mo? He’s a good guy. He’s got no clue what’s happening, if use knows what I mean?”

“As to use first answer. That clears use from the case. But use raises another question. Wait a minute. I want to know what’s going on? He looks suspicious to me. It’s the nose, or maybe the ears.”

O’Leary cast a look at me, “Yah? What’s going on and don’t leave anything out?”

LC stared at me. La Flor stared at me. And, I said, “La Flor’s just about to tell us why she wants to hire Lil Carlo.”

“Not Lil Carlo? AKA Hit man? AKA The node. AKA spaghetti factory? AKA the shooter,” said a stunned O’Leary.

“All five in the same,” said LC.

“Use got to chill sister. Talking it out will be good for use. Wing it and sing it and dish it out. It’ll be good for the digestive track,” said O’Leary.

Where did this guy come from? Why does my blog attract the weird alt egos?

La Flor leaped on top of the table. She cleared her throat, looked at LC, “LC, pick up the beat with your air guitar when I hit it.”

LC held his air guitar in hands, raising it over his head and nodded.

“This is for all you girls out there in alt ego world who think you can get your fingers on my man, especially you, my used to be BFF, mystery blog writer. How dare you like the photo I posted of LC on Instagram,

Women like you they’re a dime a dozen you can buy ’em anywhere
For you to get to him I’d have to move over and I’m gonna stand right here
It’ll be over my dead body so get out while you can
Cause you ain’t woman enough to take my man*

O’Leary stood up and applauded. “Man, you gots the vocal chops to be a big star. Use and LC playing that air guitar likes it was a third arm. Something to see and hear, I might add. Use sang like Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swifty all rolled into one or two or three.”

I have to get O’Leary out of here before La Flor screams about the Taylor Swift comparison.

“That it O’Leary? We’re kinda busy,” I said.

O’Leary scratched his head, stuck a pinkie in his left ear and wiggled it around, extracted it, looked at his reward, wiped his finger on his pants, and said, “The only real reason I come over, was the mystery blog writer wrote me in to come over here. But she loses control when I come in this blog. I think I’ll hang around if use don’t mind.”

“You can hang out, but not now,” I said said and wrote in this blog. O’Leary kissed La Flor’s hand, shook hands with LC and said, “Have extra pepperoni put on the pie.”

“I showed her. Ray, put my song on YouTube and it will go viral,” said La Flor.

A second later, “Hold it, Ray. Don’t do it. The mystery blog writer just text me and said she’s sorry, we’re going to double tonight. She’s writing O’Leary back in if you can write him out and taking O’Leary and joining LC and me tonight.”

And so it is in La Flor’s world. Tomorrow. LC tells us his troubles.

*You Ain’t Woman Enough” performed by Loretta Lynn (1965).

I Like Sushi

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“Heads or tails isn’t working, Ray. Think of something that will favor me. What I have to say may be the most important thing anybody said all year,” said La Flor.

“But, most beautiful, tough, and edgy one if use knows what I have to say use would know what I has to say is what I has to say,” said LC.

“Stop. Stop. Stop. You’re both driving me nuts. Here’s the deal. One of you will go first, the other gets to choose where we eat tonight.”

“Dis is a good, very good deal. It reminds me of Big Carmen’s special two for one deal tonight on sausage pizza,” said LC.

“I like both options, it’s so hard for me to choose. I like sushi. What’s your choice LC?” said La Flor.

“I likes sushi, but I likes to eat barbecue more. Use can talk first if I can talks second,” said LC.

“You are so sweet, LC. I agree if I can talk first and I can choose your fav sushi restaurant. What could be more fair.  If you agree you will make me happy,” said La Flor.

“Use logic makes sense to me. Dis is why use is the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. I wish I thunk of it firsts,” said LC slapping his hand against the side of his head.

Dear reader, do you understand now why I have to go for long walks, meditate, and snack on chips and salsa?

“Let’s hear your problem, La Flor,” I said repeating to myself, do not roll your eyes. Do not roll your eyes.

La Flor takes a deep breath, brushes her hair back, reaches into her handbag and takes out her iPhone X. “You both have to promise me you won’t go goofy. Promise me you won’t take things into your hands and do something you’ll regret. Promise me, you’ll back me up, no matter what I decide to do.”

LC leans in toward La Flor. He swallows her tiny hand in both of his catcher’s mitts. Then he said, “I promise. I promise. I promise. I tinks I covered all three promises use mentioned beautiful, tough, and edgy star of my dreams.”

“What about you, Ray?

“I need to know what I’m promising to,” I say.

“You don’t trust me,” pouted La Flor.

She’s right. I don’t trust her. Well I do trust her to think only of herself; to be the star; to be the center of attention. I can work with this. I said, “La Flor, you know I trust you. Look at our working relationship. Look how well we get along.”

“Thank you, Ray. I’ll take that as you agreeing to everything I’ve said.”

“Huh?”

Dear Reader. I’m trying to get these two to tell you what’s bothering them. Now you have an idea of what it’s like living with them. Come by tomorrow. I have a good feeling they’ll tell us what’s bothering them.

 

 

 

I Want Heads and Tails

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“Beautiful, tough, and edgy one, I needs to talks to use about something I needs to talk about,” said LC.

“That’s nice, LC. But what I have to talk about is more important than what you have to talk about. So, what you have to talk about will have to wait until I finish talking about what I want to talk about,” said La Flor.

“I didn’t quite understand what use is saying. I tink I got the first part. Maybe the third part, but I don’t remembers the second part is nada.”

“Don’t try to sweet talk me using Spanish. You are the smartest person I know besides me. How did you master Spanish without studying? Don’t tell me until after I tell you what I want to tell you.”

“Let’s play a little game,” said La Flor.

“I like this idea, it will break the tunnel (I think he meant to say tension) over who gets to talk first, second, and turd (He meant to say third).”

“Okay, I’ll go first. I’m going to talk and you have to remember everything I said. You can’t interrupt or you lose. When it’s your turn, we’ll call Ray over and he has to be quiet while you talk and then we’ll see how much he remembers, which won’t be much because he only pretends he’s listening.”

“How can we tell who wins?” said LC.

“It’s not about winning. It’s about how we play the game,” said La Flor.

“There’s gotta be a winner so’s Big Carmen can set the odds in case anybody wants to place a bet.”

I can’t take anymore. They’re driving me nuts. I walk over, “Why don’t we flip a coin to see who goes first. Do you agree?” I said.

La Flor looked at LC. LC looked back at La Flor. They both looked at me and nodded.

I need to change my name to Solomon.

“Who wants heads?”

In unison, “Me.”

“You both can’t have heads,” I said.

“Why not?” asked LC.

“I’ll take tails, if it will help, but I want eight tries to win,” said La Flor.

“That’s brilliant beautiful, tough, and edgy one. I want tails with the same deal, too, Ray-mo,” said LC.

“I changed my mind. I want heads and tails, Ray,” said La Flor.

“You can’t have heads and tails,” I said.

“Why can’t she, Ray-mo? My beautiful, tough, and edgy girl who gives me goose bumps when she touches me can have anything she wants,” said LC.

Before I could say another word, they’re both out of their chairs. La Flor does the leap. I head to the patio.

We’ll try again tomorrow to find out what’s bothering these two. But now it’s time for love.

Your Brain Is Working Fine

by

The following is a part of a series, sometimes serialized, sometimes spontaneous. It’s all farce. The characters are all fictitious and fun to be around. ENJOY!

LC, dressed in blue scrubs, paces back and forth across the living room. He stops at every turn to check his iPhone. Slips it back into his pants and commences walking. LC and La Flor turned my living room into an examination office. My smart TV is in my bedroom. A folding table with a white sheet is now the examination table. Life as I used to enjoy it is evaporating.

“LC, stop pacing, you’re making me dizzy,” I said.

“Use is getting dizzy? Whats about me. I’m the one doing the pacing and then the turning and then the pacing and then the turning . . .”

“Okay, continue pacing. What are you worried about?” I asked.

“How could use tell? Dis is like my beautiful, tough, and edgy woman’s first patient. She’s got special plans for Lil Carlo and I hopes they works. I tinks they will save his life.”

Save Lil Carlo’s life? Special plans? I don’t like the sound of this. “What kind of special plans does La Flor have in mind?” I ask.

Before LC can answer, cymbals crash, a cherry bomb goes off, a car backfires in front on my house. Then I hear, “Sorry about the wall, Ray. I’m here for my annual physical,” said Lil Carlo. All five feet two inches, one hundred and ten pounds, most of it in his nose and ears, walks into the living room.

Before I can say a word, Lil Carlo pats his windbreaker, “Tell the doc, I ain’t taking off my gun no matter what. I sleeps with it on. I showers with it on. I go to the can with it on. After I dump someone in the river, I go to confession with it on. So, I am not going to take it off.”

“Don’t worry about it, Lil Carlo. Use don’t have to take off use clothes for this inspection,” said LC.

“Do I has to bend over or anything like that?” said Lil Carlo a hint of fear in his eyes.

“No, that’s disgusting. The beautiful, tough, and edgy one never does anything disgusting,” beamed LC. Then he added, “Would use like a beer, glass of wine, or a shot of whiskey before use is examined?”

“I like this already. I’ll take all three if their free,” said Lil Carlo settling into the sofa.

“They is on the house because use is a milestone, not to be confused with a kidney stone. Make you self comfortable while I gets use drinks,” said LC.

A cooing voice from a bedroom, “LC let me know when Lil Carlo finishes his drinks, I’ll be out to examine him.”

Lil Carlo tossed down the shot of whiskey, drained a bottle of beer without coming up for air, swirled the wine in his mouth before sending it down his esophagus. “Not every day, burp, that I gets to be, burp, examined, burp, by eye candy, burp.”

What happened next will be written about in the Harvard Medical Journal. The Mayo Clinic will send a team to study the technique. Bill Gates will donate millions to spread the knowledge. It’s a family blog and I will keep it to the bare minimum facts. Speaking of the bare minimum.

Dr. La Flor walked into the living room with a stethoscope draped around her neck that one can only say was purchased at the Dollar Store. She was not wearing the traditional white coat, instead, she did her shopping at Fredericks of Hollywood, and was wearing a negligee.

Lil Carlo grabbed hold of his shot glass, held it straight out, the nurse practitioner, AKA LC, filled it. Lil Carlo tossed it down and held out his arm again.

Dr. La Flor sat of the sofa next to Lil Carlo. She put the plastic ends to the toy stethoscope in her ears, and placed the stethoscope on Lil Carlo’s forehead, “Your brain is working fine.”

She moved the stethoscope to Lil Carlo’s ears, “Your hearing is perfect. Why are you breathing so hard? Did you just finish working out?”

Lil Carlo attempted to speak, but, confused, he started singing, “A well’a bless my soul / What’sa wrong with me? / I’m itchin’ like a man in a fuzzy tree / My friends say I’m actin’ wild as a bug / I’m in love / I’m all shook up.*”

Dr. La Flor said, “I want to meet the lucky girl, Lil Carlo. Stand up, this is a special test I invented. Stand up.”

“My, my knees are weak, beautiful, tough, and edgy eye candy doctor,” said Lil Carlo.

“Come on, I’ll help you,” said Dr. La Flor taking hold of Lil Carlo’s hand. “Now, put your left foot in, Your left foot out, your left foot in, and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey And turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.”

“Dats whats it’s all about?” whimpered Lil Carlo.

“Yes. That’s what it’s all about. You passed. Tell Big Carmen you got an A plus on your annual physical.

“Use give me a reason to live another year. Use is the best doc I ev ah had,” said Lil Carlo.

“I am good,” said La Flor.

“Huh?”

*Lyrics from All Shook Up lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd

 

An Offer I Can’t Refuse?

by

“Ray, I gotta to make use an offers use can’t refuse. Use and use garage gonna come with me and we gonna fly outa town in my friend’s private jet.”

Did he mean to say entourage instead of garage? My entourage? La Flor and LC? Really? Is this a plot so Big Carmen can toss me out at 30,000 feet. I don’t want to jump even with a parachute. Can I get a friend to write a note for me and sign my mother’s name telling Big Carmen I’m sick and can’t make it?

Instead, I say, “I don’t know, Big Carmen. I’ve had plans for weeks for today. So many people will be disappointed.”

Big Carmen scratches his head, pulls on his ear lobe and scratches and adjust a place better left to your imagination. Think baseball player.

Before either of us can speak. We hear, “Well, how do I look?”

Of course, who else but La Flor. Big Carmen hustles over to La Flor, his arms spread wide for a hug. La Flor holds up her hand, “No can do, Big Carmen. LC hasn’t seen me. He’ll be here any minute with the wheels to take us to the airport.”

“Scuse me, beautiful, tough, and edgy dish that looks more tasteful than my pasta special with meatballs tonight for $4.99,” drooled Big Carmen.

What do I say to top Big Carmen? La Flor looks better than a mocha frappucinno with extra whipped cream and caramel sauce? I don’t think so. So, I say, “Tickets to a Broadway show? You look great.”

La Flor gives me a La Flor look. It’s like a cat that looks at a mouse and without moving a step, swipes her paw and sends it crashing into the wall. She said, “Is that the best you can do? You didn’t notice my hair? Mention how I make the clothes look better. Or, say anything about my sparkling eyes, warm lips, or exquisite figure. My full red lips? You need to be more like Big Carmen.” She walks over and gives Big Carmen a kiss on his cheek leaving a perfect image of her kiss.

“I’m not going wash my cheek, ev ah,” said Big Carmen.

A rifle shot. I jump. A small explosion. I jump again. “I’m home,” yelled LC.

My poor wall. My poor door. My handyman bill.

LC comes in, says, “Big Carmen, I couldn’t rent the limo from Starza. He’s all out. But he sent me to the competition.”

“How much it cost use?” said Big Carmen.

“Nothing. When I got to Limo’s Unlimited. There was a limo all gassed up and ready to go. The driver must have gone in to take a leak or something other that I don’t want to say because Ray-mo is always telling me it’s a family blog. Anyway, I say in a normal voice like I’m talking to use right now, ‘Anybody mind if I takes this limo free of charge?'”

“Anybody say no?” asked Big Carmen.

“Not a word. That means I got legal permission to take it as long as I want it. But I only want it long enough to take us to the airport. Lil Carlo is over there and he’ll take it back or dump it in the river. Whichever is closer.”

“Use got a good head on use shoulders, LC,” said Big Carmen beaming with pride.

“Well, LC? Am I invisible?” La Flor’s words melt a solid quart of ice cream into a gooey mess.

“Oh, oh!” said LC. “I am so sorry. I was excited about the limo. Can use forgive me sweet, kind, compassionate, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

“Are you going to surprise me with an expensive present?” said La Flor.

“My two minds are already working on it,” Maybe’s I’m going to get use three presents.

“Okay, you’re forgiven. Now, come over here so I can kiss you,” said La Flor.

“We gots a problemo, beautiful, tough, and edgy dream.”

“I love it when you talk Spanish, LC. Kiss me!”

“I needs use kiss like I needs oxygen and beer, but we gots to go before somebody mistakenly calls the coppers about the limo,” said Big Carmen.

“Huh?”

How Much Did I Win?

by

“I’m here,” screams LC.

I already know he’s here. I heard the door slam against the wall. I heard a lamp fall over from the vibration.

I hear LC say, “Dare’s somethin wrong wits use door. One of the knobs is stuck in the wall. I felt my BP go into a steep rise. I’m already wondering if I should brick in the wall behind the door. Maybe a solid stainless steel sheet. A wall made of bulletproof vests. I have all kinds of options.

Then LC hollers as if he is at the top of Pike’s Peak and wants to see how far his voice will carry, “Use won. Use won beautiful, tough, edgy who knows how to play the numbers.”

What’s LC talking about, the numbers? No way, La Flor is gambling with Big Carmen and his associates. I loosely call them associates because that’s what Big Carmen calls them. I don’t want to make the mistake of saying made men, killers, knee busters, and fill in the blank.

La Flor runs in off the deck, slamming the door agains the wall, a vase falls over, water over the floor. Flowers desperately trying to sip the last bit of water into their system. Good thing, it was a plastic vase. Slamming the door is contagious. I wonder if I’m vulnerable.

Bikini, sun tan lotion and all, La Flor throws her five foot two inches, size zero four feet into LC’s waiting arms and kisses him. “You bring me glad tidings, LC?”

What is she doing, trying out for Shakespeare in the Park?

LC answers, “I bringith thee a high tide of tidings. My beautiful, tough, and edgy lady.”

“Are you two practicing for Shakespeare in the Park?”

She pulls back, wraps her legs around LC’s waist and says, “Yes, now be quiet, Ray. LC, how much did I win?”

“Big Carmen says use won nine hundred, seventy one dollars. All of its tax free. So don’t report none of it because he will deny he ever paid it. If use knows what I means.”

La flor let go of LC’s neck, slid down his body until her feet landed on the tile. She stepped back and stuck out her hand.

“Hold on. LC are you a bookie? What’s going on? Why didn’t hear about it?”

“What chu talkin bout, Ray-mo. I don’t got no books. What makes use think I’m a bookie? Do I looks like I belongs in library?” said LC.

“Don’t play coy, LC. You know what I mean. Do you take bets for Big Carmen?” I said.

“I likes to play craps, maybe poker, but I never plays coy. Is it a card game?” said LC earnestly. Use got to excuse me, I got business to attend to. LC reaches into his pocket and begins counting off one-hundred dollar bills, “One hundred, two hundred.” You get the drift.

Before La Flor can run away, I said, “You’re involved in illegal gambling. It’s not right. What did you gamble on?”

La Flor said, “What’s the temperature in San Antonio?”

I checked, “91 degrees.”

“What’s the temperature in Chicago?” she asked.

I checked, “68 degrees.”

“What’s the temperature in Phoenix?” asked La Flor.

I checked, “It’s 99 degrees.”

“The way one of the games works, Ray. You choose six numbers based on the temperature at 4 p.m. in three U.S. cities, one from the south, one from the north, and one from the west. I hit all six numbers and I only played a dollar. I have my eye on a new pair of shoes.”

“It’s illegal,” I said.

“May I remind you, your grandmother ran numbers.”

“But she was a single mom with eleven children. Cut her some slack.”

“She was doing a community service and so is Big Carmen.”

LC interrupted. “If I may. I get use drift. Use think I am collecting bets for Big Carmen. That is the furtherest thing from the furtherest thing. Big Carmen never, no how, no way does anything illegal or legal. It works like magic. Like La Flor wrote some numbers on a piece of paper with her name. She rolled it up and accidentally pressed it into Big Carmen’s hand when they hugged. Now I asks use, is that betting? I say not.”

What did LC just say? I got lost after he said, ‘If I may.’

La Flor ignored me. She said, “Big Carmen’s running a different game next week. It will be the final number of points the Cowboys, Bears, Seahawks, and Giants score in the weekend games. If you get all the numbers it’s 10,000; five, it’s a thousand; and, if you get four it’s 100. You want in? Or, are you too cheap?”

“I am not cheap.”

“Then bet a dollar.”

“No.”

“Cheap,”

“Not.”

“Cheap, cheap, cheap.”

It went on like this for four blog pages, but I deleted them so you’d have time to figure out your numbers and contact Big Carmen.

 

 

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