sitcom

I Don’t Want To Go To A Sport’s Bar

by

“Ray, don’t be a stuck in the mud. Turn off your iPad and cut loose with LC and me. We’re going to Big Carmen’s sports bar. There’s some kind of big game, ” said La Flor dressed in a way to short circuit the male brain.

“I don’t want to go to a sports bar. Big Carmen owns a sports bar? I thought he only owned a pizzeria,” I said while moving my fingers on my iPad.

LC (note: I’m tired of writing Little Carmen every time I speak. I’m getting carpel tunnel in my fingers) grabbed hold of my iPad. “Let go Ray-mo, it’s for use own good. Use can watch the big game.”

“No, I need my my iPad. How will I find out what’s happening? How will be able to check Yelp? How will I see if I’m getting retweeted? What big game?”

LC gives a yank, nearly pulls off the sofa, “If use excuses me, use can have use iPad back when the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman I adore says use can. As for the udder (yes, he said udder, not other) questions, the pizzeria is only a front. Don’t remember I said that. Big Carmen gets touchy about such stuff. As for the big game, I tinks it’s a soccer match between two clubs nobody ever heard about.”

“A front for what?” I asked.

“What am I am gonna tell him beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

They whisper. They look at each other. They whisper again. They look at each other. They whisper some more. La Flor said, “LC is ready to tell you. LC get really, really close to me.”

“Okay.”

La Flor whispers in LC’s ear. LC says, “I means to say it is an affront.”

La Flor whispers again into LC’s ear, “To tinks that it is a front for anything other than which it is, which is namely a pizzeria.”

“Good boy,” La Flor pats LC on the back of his head. I’m waiting for her to scratch his belly and see LC’s foot jumping.

“So, you going or are you going to stay home and watch reruns? asked La Flor.

“Okay, I’ll go. Do I have to get dressed up for this place? What’s it called?” I tossed two questions. Maybe I confused the issue.

“I suggest getting out of your scrubby, dirty, so old they get a senior’s discount Nike’s, rumbled workout shirt, and the excuse for jeans you’re wearing and think Sport’s Bar.”

“I am thinking sports bar. I think I’d fit right in.”

“We’ve got so much work to do with him LC.”

“Yah, beautiful, tough, and edgy one, and so little time to do it. Especially if we is leaving in fifteen minutes,” said LC.

“You’re both wearing jeans,” I said.

“I’m poured into mine. LC’s are the straight leg, macho paints. His muscular waist and can I say six pack, accentuates his broad shoulders. Notices his form fitting casual shirt. I am going to show LC off and if anyone tries to sidle up to him, Lil Carlo promised he’d help out.”

“Lil Carlo?”

“Yah, Ray-mo. He’s the muscle tonight,” said LC.

“I’ll be back in a minute. One minute later, “How do I look?”

“Seriously?” said La Flor.

“Can you be kind?” I said.

“You’ve got no worries, you’ll be coming home with us.”

“Huh?”

That’s The Rule

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“Ray, am I right when I say there is a house rule where we can express ourselves without fear?” the snarky remark coming from La Flor.

Oh, oh. My mind races back 24 hours. There was La Flor’s incident with her mystery writer blog friend. They were wearing the same outfit. I got blamed. There was the incident with Little Carmen when he brought her the wrong Starbucks drink. I got blamed. There was the incident where Carmela and TT got a line more attention than she and Little Carmen did. I got blamed.

I decide to jump in the deep end, “That’s the rule.”

It’s not good when her arms go akimbo and she cocks her head to the left, and gestures with her right index finger. It looks like I hit the trifecta.

Her forefinger can within inches from my nose. No nose jokes please. La Flor said, “Yesterday. Yesterday. Yesterday.”

I replied, “Yes, yesterday was yesterday. Where are you going with yesterday? Do you realize it’s today and tomorrow is tomorrow.”

“I am so grateful LC is not like you. He’s sensitive. He’s smart. And, he’s secure in his own skin. Unlike some people I know whose name begins with R and means rat.”

I hold up my hand, “We have another rule, no insults, disparaging remarks.”

La Flor holds up her hand, “We have another rule to always tell the truth.”

I hold up my hand, “We have another rule, it has to be the truth and not an opinion.”

La Flor holds up her hand, “We have another rule, if the opinion is the truth then it’s okay to state an opinion.”

I hold up my hand, “We have another rule, “If the truth is going to hurt, try to say it in a way that is compassionate and kind.”

La Flor holds up her hand, “We have another rule, “If it hurts, suck it up and deal with it.”

“That’s not our rule,” I said.

“Yes, it is. LC and I voted on it this morning,” said La Flor.

“I wasn’t present for the vote.”

“You don’t have to be present if there is a quorum.”

“Were TT and Carmela present?”

“No, but I made them give me their proxies.”

“You made them?”

“Yes. I gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Big Carmen and Lil Carlo.”

“They’re sweet.”

“What’s the issue you wanted to talk about?”

“What issue?”

Another stimulating conversation with La Flor that leaves me talking to myself.

 

My Conscience Is Speaking

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“I never thought you’d ask me,” said my conscience with a hint of I told you so in his voice.

“I always listen to you. It’s my number one rule. You know that,” I retorted.

“Should I list the times you didn’t listen to me to your readers? Imagine what La Flor, Little Carmen, TT, and Carmela will think of you if I post your slip ups on my Facebook page.

“You wouldn’t?” I asked.

“I don’t have a conscience to listen to. I am the conscience.”

“I don’t like your attitude,” I said.

“I don’t like you hanging out with shady characters. Do you read your blogs?” My conscience asked.

“If I could like them more than once I would read them all day,” I said.

“Ah, the ego has taken hold of you. That’s the problem, isn’t Ray? Think of where you’re leading Little Carmen. The nitwit can’t find his way home when he’s on the sidewalk in front of his house. What about La Flor? She’ll flirt with anyone who rich, and will help her get all she wants. Is that the kind of character you want to create?”

“Hey, conscience. Cut La Flor some slack. She’s beautiful, tough, and edgy. She’s smart. She’s savvy. I like La Flor,” I said.

“Oh, I get it, you want to move Little Carmen aside so you can have La Flor all to yourself.”

“What are you talking about? She’s an alt ego. A created character. No wonder I don’t listen to you.”

“Life would be better if you did?” said my conscience.

“What do you suggest. I’m giving you a chance and it better be good.”

“La Flor should go to a third-world country and do missionary work. Little Carmen should be a Big Brother to inner city kids. TT should work for Apple. And, Carmela, she can wait on tables at Carmen’s Pizzeria.”

“What about Big Carmen and Lil Carlo?” I asked.

Before my conscience can speak. …

“Hey, Ray. Is your conscience bothering use?” said Big Carmen swaggering into the room.

“Stay out of this Big Carmen. It’s between Ray and me,” said my conscience.

“I needs the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. My boy is going to gets a very serious promotion when I can thinks of something to promote him to. And, as for Lil Carlo, give me a break. He’s got a good heart, even if he’s nuts. Now beat it, and leave my man, Ray alone.”

“Thanks, Big Carmen.”

“I’m watching you, Ray,” said my conscience pointing his finger at me as he walked out the door.

He Got A Very Serious Promotion

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Our black stretch stretch limo pulled in front of Carlini’s Trattoria. It’s Friday night. The sidewalk is crowded. I’m staring out the window of the black stretch limo. I turn to Little Carmen, “What are those two guys that look like they belong on America’s Most Wanted doing in front of Carlini’s?”

“You means cousin Paul and cousin Joe?” said Little Carmen.

“I don’t know their names. I mean the guys wearing sunglasses at 8 p.m. Tight black tees.”

“They were on America’s Most Wanted until they weren’t America’s Most Wanted,” said Little Carmen as the limo driver pulled to a stop, got out of the limo, and went over and talked to the I’m on steroids Black Tee.

“What does that mean?” I said.

“I dunno. It’s how Big Carmen explains it to me.”

“You accept it without question?” I asked.

“Yah.”

A moment later, a beaming Big Carmen, silk shirt open at the collar, black and silver hair sticking out, is at the limo door. The driver opens the door. La Flor extends her hand. She’s wearing a black, sheik, sexy fit me better than my skin silk dress with her new pearl necklace and earrings.

“My beautiful, tough, and edgy woman, you looks more beautiful, tough, and edgy than even Sciencestein thinks probable,” said Big Carmen as he kissed La Flor’s hand.

“Dat is such a smoothie move, Ray-mo. Sees how I learns everyting I knows from Big Carmen?” said Little Carmen.

“I can see how you’ve turned out so well,” I said. I not going to take a chance to get anyone upset with the black tees standing on either side of Big Carmen.

“Why are we here? I asked Little Carmen.

“I dunno. Big Carmen said he’s happy and is tossing a party for us and some of the family.”

I step out of the limo, Big Carmen has La Flor on his arm heading for the trattoria. I said, “Hi Big Carmen.”

The entourage stops. The black tees stare at me. Big Carmen turns, “Hi, Ray. I didn’t sees use because the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman was blinding me with her beauty. If I was twenty years younger LC has no chance.”

Little Carmen taps me on my shoulder, “Man, am I happy Big Carmen is older than me. Go figure how that happened.”

Phil Carlini, the owner, leads to a table that looks like it was set for the President and First Lady and entourage. Waiters fill our wine glasses, Big Carmen stands. He raises his glass, “To my cousin’s cousin, Phil Carlini, who closed his trattoria on his best night of the week because I wanted to toss a little party. Go figure.”

Phil shrugs his shoulders.

I whisper to La Flor, “What’s going on? Why are we having this dinner?”

“You didn’t hear?”

“I didn’t hear what?”

“Big Carmen is promoting Little Carmen. My man is making his way in the world,” said La Flor.

“Why? Promoted to what?” I asked.

“He did such a great job the other night getting the things Big Carmen needed. Lil Carlo gave him an A on his report. LC and don’t know anything about his promotion, we’ll learn tonight. We know it’s a serious promotion. Are you proud of LC?” asked La Flor.

“I can hardly catch my breath.”

“I get that,” said La Flor.

Big Carmen, still standing with a glass of wine, “I gotta toast LC. Salute! My boy, my son, my prides and joys I am giving a serious, very serious promotion the details will be worked out when they are worked out.”

Little Carmen stands waves, and sits. La Flor wraps her arms around him and kisses him.”

Somethings are best left alone.

 

What Comes Around Goes Around

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“Why are you pacing back and forth, looking out the window, and checking your iPhone?” I asked La Flor.

She stopped pacing, turned and glared at me with her arms akimbo, and said, “I’m pacing for my cardio work. I’m looking out the window because I’m on neighborhood watch, and I’m checking my iPhone to make sure there is no fake news about me.”

“You expect me to believe that story?” I asked.

“Why not? You fall for everything else I say,” she said and went to the window and looked down the street.

“What are you worried about?” I asked.

“Can you tell? I thought I was hiding it so well,” La Flor said.

“It was a wild guess. Are you worried about Little Carmen? What’s he up to?”

“Why would I be worried about LC? He’d never do anything wrong. He’d never do anything illegal. He’d never have to make bail. Oh Ray, LC’s with Lil Carlo.”

“I warned you. I told you not to get mixed up with Big Carmen and Lil Carlo. You wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Go back and rewrite everything. You’re the one writing the blog. Fix it. Make LC a College president who always sucks up to me. All you have to do is change a sentence her, a paragraph there, and title now and then and hit update. How hard is that? You’re my friend right?”

“I’m your friend, but …”

The door, my wall, the handyman bills are going to keep piling up.

“I’m home beautiful, tough, and edgy one. I gots some surprises for use,” said Little Carmen wearing a black stocking hat, gloves, and black T.

“Ray, push the pause on that last request until I check out the surprises,” said La Flor. She turned to Little Carmen and said, “Come over here you fine male specimen, what did you bring your beautiful, tough, and edgy woman?”

“After I helped out Big Carmen, me and Lil Carlo picks up a few things on the way out.”

The way out of where? What did Big Carmen have him doing? I may as well get it over with. “Little Carmen, what did you and Lil Carlo do tonight?”

“It was an easy squeezy job Ray-mo. Big Carmen was running low on crushed tomatoes, wine, and imported anchovies, imported meats, and the most expensive cheeses money can buy. We gots them for him. And, when we were finished, I stopped by an old acquaintance’s house and got a few gifts of which I am going to show my beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

My heart started pounding. I have visions of being raided. I’m watching Little Carmen hand La Flor a string of small pearls and matching earrings.

“Ray, how do they look? You never got me pearls. LC is so thoughtful, kind, and masculine,” said La Flor before she threw herself into Little Carmen’s arms and kissed him.

I walked out the room and let them have their space. I turned on my computer. Out of habit I checked the local news.

Chef Vigeli’s Culinary School Hit By Thieves.

In a related story, world renowned Chef Leo Vigeli’s house was hit by burglars who took an undetermined amount of jewelry. Chef Vigeli says it’s probably a culinary school prank and won’t file a police report.

“Huh?”

Fill My Soaker Tub

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“LC lets think about the basics,” said La Flor holding Little Carmen’s hand.

“Do use mean basically this and basically that,” asked Little Carmen.

La Flor said, “You’re so adorable, muscular, and … and … and.”

“And, what’s, beautiful, tough, and edgy one,” asked Little Carmen.

“Getting back to basics, LC. I want a poem every day telling me how wonderful I am,” said La Flor.

“I already has one ready, “Roses are red, violets are blue no one is cuter than use.”

“We’ll skip the poems,” said La Flor. Then she added, “This is a speed drill.”

“I am all speed for use, my beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

“Let’s see how fast you can go to Starbucks and return with a mocha frappuccino. Pay attention. No melting allowed. No spillage allowed. Extra whipped cream.”

“I got it.”

“Ready, set, go, you’re on the clock. You fail, you’re out,” said La Flor.

What word or words can describe a hairy, muscular man wearing a skin tight Carmen’s Pizzeria t-shirt. None. He hurdled the shrubs, bounded on the hood of a car parked on the street, dodge cars crossing the street, and knocked over two trash cans, straight armed a jogger before he disappeared around the corner.

“Do you think you are being fair to Little Carmen?” I asked La Flor.

“Fair? Fair? If life were fair, Ray, every woman would be as beautiful as me. They’re not. So let’s not talk about fair.

“He might get tired of being treated this way and leave you,” I said.

“Surely you jest. Leave me? How often does one of your species get to be with someone like me? Don’t answer because the answer is obvious.”

“I think you’re emphasizing edgy.”

“I’ve got to bring LC back to the middle. He went too far to the edge. He was pushing the boundaries with the cooking gig.”

The door slams. Handyman time again. “I’m back. Did I makes it? I borrowed a 15 speed from a barrista,” said a puffing Little Carmen.

La Flor sips her drink, smiles, “Perfect LC. You passed test. Now, fill my soaking tub, put candles around it, and pour a glass of white wine for me. Don’t forget to lay out my terrycloth towels, body lotion, and put on my fav playlist.”

Little Carmen’s cell phone rings. He answers it, “Yes, Big Carmen. Yes, Big Carmen. Yes, Big Carmen. Yes, Lil Carlo.”

Little Carmen put the phone in his pocket, “I’m going to starts the water in the soaker tub, beautiful, tough, and edgy one, but I gotta go, Big Carmen got a problem, he needs a sub. I gotta go with Lil Carlo on an errand.”

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug,

“Be careful, LC.  Don’t get caught. Text me?”

“Will do, my beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

“Don’t get caught?” I asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing?”

“Huh?’

 

 

Let’s Boogie

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“What are you doing, La Flor?” I asked.

“What does it look like? I staring out the window. I wondering what life is all about. What is life all about, Ray?” whined La Flor.

“What’s wrong? I’ve not see you so low?”

La Flor turned me. The woman wasn’t wearing makeup. She looked like she belonged in the church choir. She was wearing a sweatshirt and jammy bottoms. And, it was two in the afternoon. She is seriously down.

“Take a good look at me, Ray. Do you see it?”

“See what?” I asked.

“I didn’t touch it. I won’t touch it. Don’t you touch it. It’s contagious,” she said.

“What? You look great,” I lied.

“I can tell when you’re lying,” she said.

“You can?”

“Yes. You try to sound sincere,” La Flor said.

“You men. You’re all the same. Where’s LC when I need him. He’s at school. There is no one here to dote me. Cater to me. He’s exhausted when he comes home. He doesn’t want to go out. Chef school is killing our relationship. It’s making age before my time.”

What does a sensitive male do in these situations? I Google, “what does a sensitive male do in these situations.” Google’s first answer, “Are you serious?” I asked Siri, “what does a sensitive male do in these situations?” Siri answered, “You’re obviously a male. Your species is not sensitive.”

La Flor spoke, a hint of tears in her eyes, “What am I going to do about this, Ray.”

I looked at La Flor pointing to her head, “Your head looks fine. What’s wrong?”

“A gray hair. A gray hair. A gray hair,” she screamed.

I bent closer to look at the agent of evil, the gray hair. I said, “Did you hug Big Carmen yesterday?”

“Yes?”

“I think it is his hair. It’s not attached to your head.”

La Flor raced to the bathroom. I heard a scream of joy. A shout of exhilaration. A howl of delight. The shower turned on. I heard music playing. Her world was turning around.

An hour later La Flor walked out as if she was heading out to wherever the beautiful people head to in the late afternoon.

Before she can say a word. “Beautiful, tough, and edgy one, I am home to beg use forgiveness.”

Enter Little Carmen.

“It’s too late. You’re history. You’re in my past,” said La Flor.

“I want to dote on use. I want to cater to use. I want to jump tall buildings for use,” pleaded Little Carmen.

“Really?”

“Chef Vigeli kicked me out of school today. He said he’d just as soon die as to keep teaching me.”

“I love that man. Shower, shave, and let’s boogie, ” said La Flor.

All was right again.

 

 

He’s Never Seen A Dish Like La Flor

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“I don’t want to go to a parent teacher conference. My daughters are all grown,” I said.

“Ray, it’s me, Big Carmen. I’m like your brother. In fact, I’m your bro. See what I mean?”

Yes, I see what he means. He’s certifiable. He’s two eighth notes short of a whole note. He’s a pizza without cheese, I don’t care how they make it in California. Yes, he’s Big Carmen. So I answer, “I see what you mean.”

He fist bumps me. Then he said, “I had a bro, but now I don’t have a bro unless you are my bro which use just agreed to, which means use accepted the family charter.”

“What family charter? Who was your bro before I was your bro. What happened to your bro?”

“Poor, poor, poor Roggereo. I don’t like to talk, speak, or converse about him,” said Big Carmen.

“Why?” I asked.

“The Feds might be listening and find out where we sent Roggereo until everything blows over.”

“He’s alive? You sent him somewhere? What did he do?”

“Let’s say I have my own witness protection operation. This is one of the perks use gets for being family. Now use is family. See, use is a Calabrese, that’s like being a next door neighbor. Neighbors help each other, right?”

He should have been a lawyer, a politician, he twists logic and words so that insanity makes sense. Thankfully, the conversation ends when . . .

“Do I look okay to go to Chef Vigeli’s for LC’s parent conference?” asked La Flor.

Big Carmen gives her a construction worker whistle, then says, “Perfecto beautiful, tough, and edgy one. Vigeli never seen a dish like use.”

I looked at La Flor. Okay, she wearing her patterned spikes. She’s wearing very short shorts but admittedly stylish, and her workout bra.

“What do you think, Ray?”

“Little Carmen will be happy to see you,” I said.

A half hour later we’re at Vigeli’s Culinary School. Little Carmen is off in a corner away from anything he might damage working at a table learning to make Kool-Aid. I hear him holler, “Clef, Clef, Clef, do I mix the blue and yellow, or the green and blue.”

Chef Vigeli hollers back, “No, no. no. How many times do I have to tell you, only make blue Kool-Aid.”

Chef Vigeli turns and sees the three of us. He walks over and embraces Big Carmen, Big Carmen embraced Chef Vigeli. Big Carmen said, “Chef, I suppose use called me to tell me how good he is doing. Am I right?”

“I do anything for you, Big Carmen. You gave me the money to get started. You paid off my student loans. You sent me to Rome to work with  Chef Faloni, the greatest Chef in Italy. But this, this, this …

Big Carmen places his arm around Chef Vigeli shoulder, “Let’s me introduce use to some people. This guy with the nose and ears, he’s my bro. Use know what that means when I says he’s my bro?

“Uh, no.”

“Okay. I understand. See, the beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

Chef Vigeli stares at La Flor. His eyeball nearly the size of tennis balls. “Who is this beautiful, tough, and edgy one. Is she unattached?”

“She is La Flor, beautiful, tough, and edgy and LC’s so significant other. She is very proud of LC. And, I for one, or two, or make that three, I don’t want to her to be desensitized. I got that word from the Discovery Channel.

From the corner, “Clef, Clef, Clef I mixed green Kool-Aid with your 1964 Barolo Riserva Speciale. It was old so I knews use didn’t need it. I made an invention.”

Chef Vigeli fainted.

Big Carmen hollered, “Atta boy.”

La Flor said, “Grab two unopened bottles and lets split.”

I said, “What about the Chef?”

Big Carmen said, “Let him sleep, he looks tired.”

He Didn’t Fall Far From The Olive Tree

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I’m beginning to think I need to call my home Carmen’s East. Big Carmen and some associate, mostly Lil Carlo show up on a daily basis. He walks in without knocking. It doesn’t matter if the doors locked, the alarm triggered, or I have a welcoming mat for him.

I’m vacuuming when I hear, “Use don’t have to do dat.”

“Who’s going to do it?” I asked.

“My manager, TT. He can use the extra work. Hey, what a friends for?”

I said, “Is that a question you want me to answer or a statement?”

Big Carmen scratched his head, “It’s what I call don’t forget the favors I does for use or else. The reason I’m hear now is I’m keeping my bad eye on my kid, and my good eye on the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. Know what I mean?”

Fool number one says, “No.” Fool number two, “Do you think that’s appropriate.” Before I answer I see Lil Carlo rubbing his hand gun against his cheek. His nose is almost as long as the gun’s barrel. I say, “Know what you mean.”

“Besides, I wants to hear her read the scriptomatic.”

Where does he come up with these words? Who understands him? I said, “You fellows want a beer? Wine? Kale chips? Carrot sticks? Protein Bar? Figs? Raw Almonds?’

Big Carmen interrupts, “Don’t use have no real food like my today’s special, tomato and basil vegetarian pizza with double sausage. Get a large one for three ninety-nine. Have us pick the sausage off, twenty-two seventy-one.”

“No. I didn’t realize it was today’s special,” I said.

“I’m gonna call Rocko. He’ll give us one of the pizza’s he’s delivering.”

“Do you think that’s fair to person waiting for the pizza?” I asked.

“Yah. If they’s gots a complaint, I send them to the complaint department.”

“You have a complaint department?” I asked.

“It’s me,” said Lil Carlo sliding a bullet into the chamber.

A voice from behind the bedroom door, “I’m ready. Are you boys ready? I’m only wearing jeans and a shirt. LC cut class yesterday, he didn’t want to miss two days in a row even though Chef Vigeli said he was tops in his class.

I wanted to shout, ‘He’s being tutored one on one, of course he’s tops and the bottom as well.’  Not worth it.

“Okay beautiful, tough, and edgy, We are disappointed we won’t get the full eye candy treatment but we understands,” said Big Carmen.

La Flor struts out in her poured into jeans, a white button shirt tied just above her navel, and her spikes. I thought both men were going to reach for angina tabs.

She walks to front of the TV, unbuttons the two top buttons of her shirt.

“This is a good start. People gonna love you. I don’t thinks use need LC.”

“I was thinking the same thing, you adorable creature.”

Big Carmen nudges Lil Carlo, “She got a way with the words.”

La Flor reads her script, “You girls want to look as good as me? Sorry, I won’t lie. It’s impossible. But, you can look lot better than you look now if you take the Post Puberty Pill, that’s PPP.  I made the tramp, my former protege, take this pill for a week, and you should see the difference. Firmer in the right places, all the cellulite gone in the wrong places, and her cell is busy with losers calling her for a date. What are you waiting for? You’ve been tied up with your loser for how long? The answer, long enough. Ask your doctor about a prescription. Don’t worry about the side effects. We have a cream for facial hair. An ointment for outrageously big pimples, and you won’t need birth control, you’ll be sterile after two doses.

“How did I do with the rewrites?” La Flor waiting anxiously for the applause.

Saved by the door crashing into the living room wall. Good thing I have the handyman on retainer.

“Did I miss it beautiful, tough, and edgy woman?” said Little Carmen carrying a pizza box.

Big Carmen forgot about his critique of La Flor’s rewrites, jumped up and went to embrace Little Carmen.

“Use did not fall far from the olive tree. Use making pizza at Vigeli’s? I’m so proud of use.”

“Nah. I grabbed it from Rocko. He was about to come in.”

“How did cooking class go today,” asked Big Carmen.

“Bass Clef Vigeli wants a parent conference.”

You Can’t Handle Da Tooth

by

Big Carmen and Lil Carlo sit on the sofa in my living room. Big Carmen has a bottle of beer in his right hand and slice of pepperoni pizza in his left. Lil Carlo’s has his gun resting on the coffee table. He has a blue plastic cup of house (not my house, Carmen’s) red wine in his left hand, and a slice of the pepperoni pizza in his right.

“When’s the beautiful, tough, and edgy one gonna read her scripto?” ask Big Carmen. Before I answered, he added, “How come use is not eating a slice of my pie?”

When am I going to learn. Think first, speak second. Not today. I said, “Pepperoni is not good for you. It has nitrates. It has fats. It has other stuff, which will mess with your veins.”

“You tink so? I don’t. It’s the foundation for any good pizza. The secret is in the grease drippings. Sees, it’s the grease drippings that acts like Roto Rooter and cleans use colon. They sticks to the bad stuff. Let me asks use, how clean is use colon?”

Did Big Carmen move into the colon cleansing business? I don’t want to go there. Do you know anyone who checks the cleanliness of their colon? I hate my annual physical, know what I mean? I haven’t met a single person who wants to talk about how the cleanliness of their colon. Big Carmen and Lil Carlo are staring at me. Lil Carlo places his blue plastic cup next to his gun. His right hand rests on the gun with the kind of affection a mother gives to a baby. I wondered if it was possible to nurse a gun.

Saved.

The door to La Flor’s bedroom swings open, bangs against the wall. I’ll have to call the handyman to fix the dent in the wall where the door nob hit.

“Every body and I means all the bodies within my speaking vocals, the beautiful, tough, and edgy famous model will makes her day beaut entrance with me of course.”

La Flor, wearing what I’d call – no, I’m not going to call it anything. I’m not going to try to describe it. She’s being carried out by a bare chested black bear who is barefooted and wearing, I am grateful, a men’s bathing suit. La Flor’s left arm is draped around Little Carmen’s neck, her right hand carrying her script. The paper offers as much cover as the cloth. Little Carmen cradles his precious cargo.

Big Carmen and Lil Carlo stand and start applauding. Applauding? What are they applauding? Big Carmen gives me a look, I stand and applaud. The queen, AKA La Flor blows Big Carmen a kiss. I thought he was going to collapse back onto the sofa.

The audience takes their seats on the sofa. Little Carmen carries La Flor to the TV and stops and pivots so they face the three of us.

“How do you like it so far?” said La Flor.

“Use knocked all my socks off and I wears about four pair,” said Big Carmen.

“Use knocked all my boxers off and I wears six pair,” said Lil Carlo.

Lil Carlo wears boxers? I didn’t know they sold boxers in the kid’s clothing section. I keep quiet.

“What about you, Ray.” La Flor won’t let me keep quiet. Four sets of eyes stare at me.

“Uh, ah, um. I’m speechless. You knocked all my words out of me,” again I am pleased with my brilliant mind. My ability to turn tragedy in triumph.

“You can’t handle my sexuality. Can you, Ray?” said La Flor.

“Yes, I can,” I countered weakly.

“You can’t handle da tooth,” said Little Carmen. “Did I get it right, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

“Close enough.”

La Flor said, “I’m tired. My perfect entrance took it all out of me. Can I read the script tomorrow you handsome man?”

“Any ting for use. Use beautiful, tough, and edgy one,” said Big Carmen.

“Can I come wit use?” Asked Lil Carlo to Big Carmen.

“Sure ting.”

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