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Each Day I Stumbled Forward

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Each Day I Stumbled Forward

My neighbors told me over and again it gets better with time. No it doesn’t. But I got up each morning, put on my best smile, and stumbled forward. Stumbling forward became my metaphor for not quitting. A tiny spark, deep within me flickered with the desire to learn to live again. M spoke honestly to me about stumbling forward. She had a similar experience when her husband was killed in a car accident. Here is a an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“I feel as I’m stumbling forward, M. You know how it is, two steps forward and then I step on a rock, causing me to lose my balance. I stumble to the ground—always forward, never backward.”

“I like the metaphor,” M said. “Stumbling forward describes how I felt during my periods of intense grieving. . . . I had to learn new ways to live. I learned to do many things Peter previously did for me. I didn’t want to learn to do them, I had to stumble forward. I had to grow. . . . Don’t count the times you stumble, Ray. One day you’ll wake up and realize you’re walking without stumbling. You’ll stop walking or doing whatever you’re doing and give thanks to God. Until the moment arrives, continue to stumble forward.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.

Nothing in Life Prepares One to Grieve

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A woman who lost her husband of 49 years pulled me aside after I spoke at a meeting and said, “Ray, no one knows until they know.” I knew she was speaking about the intense suffering associated with her grief. Grieving had taken hold of her. I understood. I journaled about my grief when it first struck me in Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Here is an excerpt from my journal.

“Nothing in life prepared me for this moment of loss. I witnessed others face this moment from a compassionate and safe distance, but I didn’t own the moment with them. I was there for others because it was what one does for those we care about. I was empathetic. I was being a good person. I’d send a note or flowers. I learned I knew nothing about grieving. I had no clue to the depths of the suffering in front of me.

When grief took hold of me, I quickly learned of its power. I learned of its stubborn refusal to let go. I felt it imposing its will upon me. Grief owns me and batters me relentlessly with its gale-force winds day and night with no end in sight. There is nothing I can do to hide from it, toss it aside, or stuff it in the hidden spaces of my mind. Like an unwanted relative, grief didn’t wait for me to answer the doorbell, it walked right in and announced it was moving in with no intention to leave.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

A Time To Recall Good Memories

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I’ve spoken to hundreds of people who grieve and face a similar experience as me. Each of us, who deeply loved the person we lost, feel our pain at a visceral level. The indescribable depths of the pain are akin to a dense cloud blocking the sun. One begins to wonder if the sun will ever shine. M helped me to break away the dense cloud by recalling good memories of Babe. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. 

“Love works in mysterious ways to all who are open to its miraculous power. It expresses itself as a gentle summer’s breeze or the morning song of the mocking bird. You’re ready to take the next step, Ray. I want you to ‘re-member’ the love Babe and you shared,” she said, using air quotes. “I quote ‘re-member’ because I want you to reconnect to your good memories of Babe. It is difficult to remember and reconnect as you step into the future. It is a part of the dance you’re learning.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond CalabreseT

This material is copyright protected

Tough Advice: Stop Making Excuses

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M challenged me with Tough advice when she told me to Let go of the past and move forward. The more deeply I felt my loss, the tighter my bonds to the past became. Each time M challenged me to let go of the past, I made an excuse not to let go. M finally challenged me to let go of my excuse making. It wasn’t easy, but as M told me, I had a choice. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again where I wrestled with this decision.

“It’s easier for me to live in the past where I was happy rather than figure out how to live in the present in a way that added meaning to my life and held on to the hope that happiness would one day find me again. I realized I developed excuse-making into a professional skill as excuses rolled off my tongue as easy as grass turns green in the spring.

If I really wanted to dance with suffering and grieving, I would need to let go of what held me to the past with a death grip and not make excuses about moving forward. Easier said than done, but I would give it my best. I wanted to dance with grieving.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

A Difficult Truth to Accept

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If I don’t like a meal, I’ll ask the waiter to bring it back. If I don’t like the way a new shirt fits, I’ll return it. When grieving struck and suffering rolled over me like a tidal wave, they carried a no-return policy. M told me there were gifts in my suffering if I was willing to look for them. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“I heard M chuckle as she said, “Suffering … gives everyone gifts if we have the courage to recognize the gifts, and even greater courage to put the gifts into action. Our gifts come at a great price. No one seeks them. We pass by their window many times and never pay attention to them. Now it’s your turn to enter its store and take hold of your gifts.”

I understood what M was saying. It was a difficult truth to accept. She was pointing the way to a healthy choice and leaving the final decision up to me.

I said, “Thank you, M. I hear the shopkeeper inviting me in to accept my gifts.”

“I know of no other way to look at the grieving experience, Ray. Consider journaling about the gifts suffering offers you. Before I go, let me read a quote from The Diary of Anne Frank: ‘I don’t think about all the misery, but about all the beauty that remains.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. This material is copyright protected



Suffering Isn’t Easy, But it Happens

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Suffering isn’t easy. Healthy people don’t want it for themselves or for others. Yet, it happens. In Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again, M shared her wisdom with me about suffering. I listened because I knew she suffered a great loss before me. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“Remember what Saint Teresa of Ávila said: ‘All things are passing; God never changes, patience obtains all things.’ Don’t be afraid of suffering. It’s unavoidable. You can do nothing to make it go away. It has a life of its own. You did not purposely will this suffering upon yourself. It happened. It happened as it will happen to everyone. It is part of the human condition. We can push aside all thoughts of it to some remote canyon in Texas, but it waits patiently, knowing its time will come. Instead of suffering being a curse, think of your unavoidable suffering as a wonderful gift to help you become a more loving and compassionate person. If you’re willing, you will see the lessons it is teaching you”

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live again by Ray Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

Grieving is Different for Everyone

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Early in my grieving process, I received lots of advice on how to grieve as if there was a right or wrong way to grieve. In Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again, I asked M if there was a right or wrong way to grieve. Here is an excerpt from the book:

“What do you think? Is there a right and wrong way to grieve?”

M didn’t answer as we kept walking. A hundred yards further, she broke our silence.

“What makes you think there is a right way to grieve?” she asked.

“I read it in a newsletter,” I felt foolish. M let it pass.

“I know you love sports, Ray. Is there a right way to hit a baseball?” asked M.

I thought about it for a second and said, “No. As long as you can hit a baseball, it doesn’t matter. There are some general mechanics all ballplayers share, but each one hits with a personal style.”

“What does that tell you about grieving?” M asked. “It’s not a trick question.”

“Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. There is no one size fits all,” I said.

M patted my shoulder and said, “You’ve got it on your first attempt. Like you said, there are mechanics everyone needs. In the end, using the baseball metaphor, it’s you in the batter’s box and grief pitching. No one else can hit the ball but you.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again is available in print and eBook formats worldwide. eBooks can be downloaded from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google Play, iBooks, Kobo and eBooks2go.com

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone

Raymond Calabrese

This material is protected  copyright.

Life Asks Everyone the Same Questions

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Life Asks Everyone he Same Questions

There’s a big difference between existing and living. While I grieved I felt I existed and stopped living. M challenged me to live. In Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again I write:

“M stared at me for a moment, and then said, “Life asks the same two questions of everyone. It asks if we want to live. If we say yes to the question, it asks another question. It asks if we are ready to look forward to the joys of living. Each time you choose to live and not give in to despair, Ray, you choose to live. Then, you have a chance to answer the second question.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again is available in print and eBook formats worldwide. eBooks can be downloaded from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google Play, iBooks, Kobo and eBooks2go.com

Greiving Support Groups Were a Blessing

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Participating in a Grieving Support Group Taught Me I Wasn’t Alone

The following is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again: 

I was among strong women who endured suffering. They went on living and caring for those around them “while they grieved. They were aware of their need for help in the grieving process and had the courage to seek it. I listened to a woman openly cry while telling the story of her husband who died of a heart attack in her arms. I thought of how strong she was to recognize her need to grieve. She wanted to be healed. Another woman described how her husband of 54 years died unexpectedly this summer. A woman sitting next to me, Chris, showed me her ring finger with a tattoo of her deceased husband’s name, Nick, on it. Even though a tattoo isn’t something I would personally do, I empathized with her heartbreak. Terry, who sat two seats over to my right, still mourned the loss of her dad after four years. Her sadness was etched all over her face. Her loss, like mine, resided in the deep, dark places of her soul. Each woman spoke with honesty, searching for comfort amongst their deep losses. At times, they spoke of the physical suffering they were experiencing.

“At times it feels like I can’t breathe my heart hurts so much,” a woman named Janet shared.

For each of us, our suffering and pain manifested itself in similar and different ways. In the end, it led to the same place of grief. We hurt. We ached. We wondered if we would ever be happy.

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again is available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Stumbling Forward ~ Learning to Live

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Stumbling Forward ~ Learning New Ways to Live While Grieving

The following is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again: 

“I feel as I’m stumbling forward, M. You know how it is, two steps forward and then I step on a rock, causing me to lose my balance. I stumble to the ground—always forward, never backward.”

“I like the metaphor,” M said. “Stumbling forward describes how I felt during my periods of intense grieving. When I stumbled forward, I chose to pass through grieving’s doorway and stumbled forward knowing I had to learn new ways to live. I learned to do many things Peter previously did for me. I didn’t want to learn to do them, I had to stumble forward. I had to grow.”

I am giving away an ebook copy (available on iTunes) of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again to 50 lucky winners who like this post by midnight, tonight, December 17th. Winners will be randomly selected and notified by email with the iTunes code for downloading Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. If you liked this post or previous Dancing Alone posts and want to receive an ebook copy of Dancing Along: Learning to Live Again, please complete the contact form below or email me directly (ray.brese@gmail.com) with your email address. I will not share your email address or place you on any newsletter mailing list. 

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again is available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

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