Month: March 2019

Grieving Left Me Feeling ‘Empty’

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M asked me to use one word to describe what I feel. She chided me when I tried to tell her how I feel. It wasn’t long before I knew how I felt. One word provided the perfect description for me. I told M, I felt empty. She asked me to describe it. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

“When Babe died, a tornado struck me and sucked out my life energy with such force. I’ll never be the same. It ripped my guts open and spilled them on the floor alongside my shattered heart. It was as if a surgeon decided to operate on me and not use an anesthetic or close me up after the operation. I am helpless to stop the pain. I am helpless to stop the flood of memories feeding the pain. I am helpless to stop the music or other emotional triggers releasing my emotions and starting my flood of tears. My pain is gluttonous and feeds itself on my suffering. My sense of emptiness is a chasm wider than the distance from the Grand Canyon’s north rim to its south rim. It is a vast space within. I am empty, M. That is what it feels like to be empty.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Opportunity ~ Shakespeare

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There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat;
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

William Shakespeare

Writer’s Wisdom ~ Jeanette Winterson’s 6th of 10 Tips

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Take no notice of anyone you don’t respect. ~ Jeanette Winterson

Today’s Reflection ~ Love

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“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much a heart can hold.” – Zelda Fitzgerald

I Journaled About My Unanswered Prayers

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Journaling About Unanswered Prayers

I didn’t confine my anger to doctors and nurses and hospital staff. I was angry with God. I quit speaking to Him. My faith in God was on life support. Here is an excerpt from my Journal Entry on my unanswered prayers in Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

“I could not imagine God’s will being different from mine. Somehow, I thought God would not reject my argument. After all, I was making my case on love. How could God refuse my prayer? All I heard was the deafening sound of more silence. Each day Babe grew weaker. Her eyes remained closed, and even her lips ceased to mouth the words “I love you.” Her hand no longer squeezed mine in response when I told her I loved her.

Nurses implored me to tell Babe it was okay to die. I refused. I wouldn’t quit. That was our deal. I promised. Medical staff would demand to know what I wanted for her last moments in this world. I regularly answered, “A miracle.”

I prayed on and on as Babe continued to slide away from me. I struggled with my will versus God’s will. The only time I asked God for his will to be done was the day Babe died. And I haven’t been grateful for anything since that day.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Where I Wander – You ~ Levi Yitzchak of Berditchov

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Where I wander – You!
Where I ponder – You!
Only You everywhere, You, always, You.
You, You, You.
When I am gladdened – You!
And when I am saddened – You!
Only You, everywhere You!
You, You, You.
Sky is You!
Earth is You!
You above! You below!
In every trend, at every end,
Only You, everywhere You!

Levi Yitzchak of Berditchov

Writer’s Wisdom ~ Jeanette Winterson’s 5th of 10 Tips

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Don’t hold on to poor work. If it was bad when it went in the drawer it will be just as bad when it comes out. ~ Jeanette Winterson

Grieving & Anger Were My Dance Partners

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The weight of the anger I carried threatened to destroy me. I was angry with doctors, nurses, hospitals, God, and mostly myself. I always protected my family and I faulted myself for failing Babe. M suggested I journal about my anger. Journaling about my anger helped to loosen its grip on me.Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again.

“I have a lot of unpacked baggage related to Babe’s hospital stay. My mind heads straight for this tragic moment in time, not bothering to stop at intersections or red lights to give me a breather along the way. Images of caring people and people who didn’t care all play continuously across a screen in my mind.

I’m angry at myself for being so naïve. I believed doctors and health professionals care. I recall only one doctor who cared enough to fight for Babe—one out of many. I think there was a time when doctors cared more. I met them before. But it seems times have changed. Circumstances have changed. Compassion trails the field, running a distant second to rules and regulations. . . . 

There are times when we waited forty-five minutes for a CMA or nurse to answer our repeated calls for assistance. Does a money manager understand the demands on a nurse and a CMA? Nurses and CMAs are overloaded with several patients to cover all at once. I wondered if some patients just lay in their waste for hours? Those who do not have family or friends with them must, and I am certain of it.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

I Bet God ~ Meister Eckhart

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If He
let go of my hand, I would
weep so loudly,

I would petition with all my might, I would cause
so much trouble

that I bet God would come to His senses
and never do that
again.

Writer’s Wisdom ~ Jeanette Winterson’s 4th of 10 Tips

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Be honest with yourself. If you are no good, accept it. If the work you are doing is no good, accept it. ~ Jeanette Winterson

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