grieving groups

M Offered Me Tough Love as I Grieved

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M often gave me tough love as I grieved. During a pity party, M challenged me to choose to live. She said it wasn’t easy, I’d have to frequently make the decision to counter the violence of the emotional storms I experienced. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again where M helped me make it through another emotional storm:

“I’ve never experienced emotional storms with wind gusts reaching hurricane strength. They strike at times of their choosing. . . . I was listening to music when one of our favorite songs played. My emotions were overwhelming and I couldn’t stop the tears. How do I handle these storms, M?”

M offered a soft smile and a question. “When the tears and shaking stopped, what did you do?”

I gave M a quizzical look in reply.

“What did you do?” she asked again, softly but firmly.

“I moved the clothes out of the washer and into the dryer. I made a healthy salad to go with supper. And I put more bird seed in the bird feeder. Why?”

“I’m hearing you say you had an emotional storm. You weathered it. And, you chose to go on living. You didn’t crawl into a shell and feel sorry for yourself. . . . What’s your problem?” M pressed on. “You had an emotional storm. It came. It brought its winds. You survived. More will come. You’ll survive. You’ll survive as long as you choose to live when the storm ends.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

A Shared Experience of Grief Taught Me About Grieving

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A Shared Experience of Grief Taught Me About Grieving

I found a grieving group that worked for me. I was the only male in a room of 20 women. These women became my teachers and my inspiration. They taught me about courage, strength, and compassion. I share part of that experience in this excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Love Again:

I listened to a woman openly cry while telling the story of her husband who died of a heart attack in her arms. I thought of how strong she was to recognize her need to grieve. She wanted to be healed. Another woman described how her husband of 54 years died unexpectedly this summer. A woman sitting next to me, Chris, showed me her ring finger with a tattoo of her deceased husband’s name, Nick, on it. Even though a tattoo isn’t something I would personally do, I empathized with her heartbreak. Terry, who sat two seats over to my right, still mourned the loss of her dad after four years. Her sadness was etched all over her face. Her loss, like mine, resided in the deep, dark places of her soul. Each woman spoke with honesty, searching for comfort amongst their deep losses. At times, they spoke of the physical suffering they were experiencing.

“At times it feels like I can’t breathe my heart hurts so much,” a woman named Janet shared.

Rose, who sat on my left, spoke through watery eyes. “I miss not being able to hug my Daniel. I miss his laugh, his smile, his warmth.”

For each of us, our suffering and pain manifested itself in similar and different ways. In the end, it led to the same place of grief. We hurt. We ached. We wondered if we would ever be happy.

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by

Grieving ~ A Time To Trust Your Heart

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I was fortunate. M is a good friend and she already experienced the pain I was experiencing. She encouraged me to listen to and trust my heart. If I did so, I’d eventually fly through the thick, dark cloud obscuring my vision. Here is an excerpt from M’s advice to me from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

“M ignored my silence. She touched my hand, “You already have the path through the pain within you; it’s just not visible right now. Imagine you’re learning to fly and the instructor takes you into a cloud. You’re flying without a reference point of what is up and down. You’re flying blind. All you can do is concentrate on the data coming from the instrument panel. You’ll hear voices in your mind screaming at you to do something different from what your instructor is telling you to do. Your intellect wants to take control. Let your heart take control—it is your personal instrument panel. It’s going to take time.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found here.

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

When Grieving Strikes, There is no Turning Back

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Willie Nelson sang, “It’s not something you get over, but it’s something you get through.” His words clearly describe grieving. When grieving hits, it leaves a permanent scar. The wound heals, but the scar remains. It’s the way it is. Here is a an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again: 

“Grief hits like a lightning bolt. My world crashed on top of me after Babe’s death. I functioned, but I don’t remember anything I did. Tears flowed and flowed and flowed. The U.S. Army Corp of Engineers couldn’t even turn my tears off. . . . I knew the meaning of grief. And, at the same time, I never knew grief in the way I now know it. Now I am learning, and I am learning the hard way—through experience.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found here.

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone

Raymond Calabrese

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Nothing in Life Prepares One to Grieve

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A woman who lost her husband of 49 years pulled me aside after I spoke at a meeting and said, “Ray, no one knows until they know.” I knew she was speaking about the intense suffering associated with her grief. Grieving had taken hold of her. I understood. I journaled about my grief when it first struck me in Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Here is an excerpt from my journal.

“Nothing in life prepared me for this moment of loss. I witnessed others face this moment from a compassionate and safe distance, but I didn’t own the moment with them. I was there for others because it was what one does for those we care about. I was empathetic. I was being a good person. I’d send a note or flowers. I learned I knew nothing about grieving. I had no clue to the depths of the suffering in front of me.

When grief took hold of me, I quickly learned of its power. I learned of its stubborn refusal to let go. I felt it imposing its will upon me. Grief owns me and batters me relentlessly with its gale-force winds day and night with no end in sight. There is nothing I can do to hide from it, toss it aside, or stuff it in the hidden spaces of my mind. Like an unwanted relative, grief didn’t wait for me to answer the doorbell, it walked right in and announced it was moving in with no intention to leave.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

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A Time To Recall Good Memories

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I’ve spoken to hundreds of people who grieve and face a similar experience as me. Each of us, who deeply loved the person we lost, feel our pain at a visceral level. The indescribable depths of the pain are akin to a dense cloud blocking the sun. One begins to wonder if the sun will ever shine. M helped me to break away the dense cloud by recalling good memories of Babe. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. 

“Love works in mysterious ways to all who are open to its miraculous power. It expresses itself as a gentle summer’s breeze or the morning song of the mocking bird. You’re ready to take the next step, Ray. I want you to ‘re-member’ the love Babe and you shared,” she said, using air quotes. “I quote ‘re-member’ because I want you to reconnect to your good memories of Babe. It is difficult to remember and reconnect as you step into the future. It is a part of the dance you’re learning.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond CalabreseT

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Sometimes There is No Anwer to “Why?”

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Have you asked Why? I did throughout the depths of my grieving, thousands of times, and never found an answer. I asked M, “Why?” She gently guided me with her wisdom. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again: 

“I keep asking why. I never find an answer. I find only anger and sadness. I might as well try to stop the tide from rising.”

M nodded, and said, “Exactly, Ray. Instead, why not choose to open the door and escape from the labyrinth of chasing after the ‘why’ questions? Why not ask questions to help you make today a better day than yesterday? Think about questions that lead you in a hopeful direction to more fully discover the meaning in your life.”

“What if my questions can’t be answered?” I asked.

M shrugged, then said, “You can spend your life seeking the answers to those questions or you can accept their unfathomable nature. Learn to live with them, Ray.”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

We Are All Wounded

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M became an indispensable guide during the height of my grieving. At one point, where I was wallowing in self pity, she challenged me to make peace with the past. I reacted predictably and spoke of my wounds. I forgot, for a moment, M also suffered a similar loss. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“We are all wounded, Ray. Wounds heal and leave scars. We all carry scars. Our scars are an important part of our story. Each scar is sacred. Each of us purchased our scars at great cost. You’re transforming your raw wounds into holy scars. In time, each scar will be a reminder of Babe’s death and the grieving you endured. More importantly, each scar will become the symbol of choosing to live. The symbols are a part of the story, but not the whole story. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

Raymond Calabrese

This material is copyright protected

There Will Be Another Season

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There was a time during the depths of my grieving when I felt as if I were drowning. M and I went for a walk in nearby park. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again where she helped me through the moment:

“M didn’t answer right away. Instead, she stopped and pulled out her iPhone, turning to the wild flowers just off the trail’s edge.

“I love wild flowers. I must take a photo,” she said. “They only come once a year. They give us their beauty if we are awake to appreciate their gift. They die in the fall, and spring forth again for their next growing season. Think God is sending us a message about life with the flowers?” She didn’t wait for me to answer. “Babe gave us her beauty, especially to you, and she gave it to all she met. Always be grateful for her gift, Ray. You don’t cry when the wild flowers die, you know there will be another season. God is telling you there will be another season.”

I couldn’t help myself as tears rolled down my cheeks. I embraced M. After a moment, I let go.

“Thank you. There will be another season,” I said, reassuring myself.”

Excerpt From

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. Available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

Ray Calabrese

This material is copyright.

Stumbling Forward ~ Learning to Live

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Stumbling Forward ~ Learning New Ways to Live While Grieving

The following is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again: 

“I feel as I’m stumbling forward, M. You know how it is, two steps forward and then I step on a rock, causing me to lose my balance. I stumble to the ground—always forward, never backward.”

“I like the metaphor,” M said. “Stumbling forward describes how I felt during my periods of intense grieving. When I stumbled forward, I chose to pass through grieving’s doorway and stumbled forward knowing I had to learn new ways to live. I learned to do many things Peter previously did for me. I didn’t want to learn to do them, I had to stumble forward. I had to grow.”

I am giving away an ebook copy (available on iTunes) of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again to 50 lucky winners who like this post by midnight, tonight, December 17th. Winners will be randomly selected and notified by email with the iTunes code for downloading Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. If you liked this post or previous Dancing Alone posts and want to receive an ebook copy of Dancing Along: Learning to Live Again, please complete the contact form below or email me directly (ray.brese@gmail.com) with your email address. I will not share your email address or place you on any newsletter mailing list. 

Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again is available in paperback and ebook formats from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, and Kobo.

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