Strategy 3: Focus on Interests, Not Positions
When we focus only on what people want, not why, we lock into gridlock. Discover a path out through underlying interests.
In conflicts, people often stake out positions (“You must stop doing X,” “I want you to agree with Y”). Those positions can become hard walls. But research shows that when parties shift attention to the interests behind those positions (needs, fears, hopes), resolution is more likely.
This idea is central to the interest-based negotiation model, made famous in Fisher, Ury & Patton’s Getting to Yes. By asking “Why is this important to you?” or “What are you trying to accomplish?” you open up possibility for mutual gain. While much conflict theory supports the notion that interest-based approaches lead to solutions that satisfy deeper long-term needs, preserving relationships and increasing satisfaction. Related research in Mutual Gains Approach and negotiation studies document that understanding interests leads to agreements more durable and acceptable for both sides.
When both parties understand each other’s underlying interests, they can brainstorm creative options that honor both. Sometimes this means thinking outside the box—not simply splitting difference, but inventing third alternatives.
Practical Step Now:
Think of your next disagreement: instead of saying “You want this, I want that,” pause and ask: “What is important to you here?” Note what you learn. Then share your own interest (not position) in how you see things.
