Chapter 18
Nonna closed her eyes, folded her hands prayer like on the package that was sitting on her lap. She gently swayed back and forth as she were in a rocking chair. Mickey whispered in Zeke’s ear, “You think she’s dying?”
Zeke half turned his head toward Mickey, “Only if she falls face first and her head hits the table. But you can be sure because one time it happened when she was dead drunk..”
Nonna opened her eyes, “I no dead and I’m no drunk. I’m a waiting for my cannoli. You want a special favor, how come you bring me no cannoli? You know I like cannoli almost as much as I like sex.”
Mickey whispered, “She’s at least 85.”
“She turned 87 on her last birthday. Don’t say anything.”
“Nonna, we’re busted. I only got two dollars. You can’t buy the cannoli you deserve for two bucks. I didn’t want to get you a cheap one out of the freezer. You know what I mean?”
“Okay, you owe me. Maybe I tell you what’s in this package. When I tell you, you gonna know why Tony Gallino don’t want nobody looking inside. I gotta the goods on that no good son of a buffalo. I not gonna say the word you think I was gonna say because I don’t want to insult a dog. The buffalo, they don’t live around here, so it’s okay to insult them. They only on the cable.”
Zeke said, “What’s inside the package, Nonna? Can I look?”
“Me too,” said Mickey taking a long swallow from the dandelion wine bottle.
Nonna glanced at Mickey, “I not gonna show it to you Palitroni. You got a mouth bigger than the ocean. You can’t keep a you mouth shut. All the Palitroni’s, they kiss and tell. And, I think they making up most of what they tell from what I know and I know everything.”
“What’s in the package, Nonna? Tony’s gonna kill us if we don’t have something to bargain with,” said Zeke.
“Oh, you got plenty to bargain with, I tell you that much. You gonna name your price and then he gonna pay it and I’m gonna get a cut.”
Zeke’s right leg started bouncing faster than a frog tossed on heated frying pan. “What’s in it, Nonna. Don’t play games with me.” Said Zeke.
“You watcha you mouth. You talking to Nonna. Now, I’m a not going to tell you what’s a in a this package. I gonna call Tony and tell him he gotta deal directly to me. You been hanging around Palitroni too long. It’s wearing you down. Pretty soon, you gonna be like him. You gonna be a man who like’s dandelion wine.”
“Do you have another bottle, this stuff is great,” said Mickey.
“Okay, don’t cry, Zeke. I gonna show you what’s a in here. Palitroni, you make a one move I gonna slice you like I’m a carving Thanksgiving turkey.”
Zeke got up and walked around the table. He stood over Nonna’s shoulder. She slowly lifted the edgy of package, “What da you think? Do I got the goods? He gonna turn into cooked spaghetti.”
“He’s gonna kills all of us, that’s what he’s gonna do, Nonna. If he knows we saw what inside the package, we’re all as good as dead.”
“Ah, you worry too much. Maybe I gonna put it in the church bulletin. That gonna teach him good. Anyway, I put a curse on him. You watch.”
What’s in the package? Will Tony Gallino kill Zeke, Mickey and Nonna? Will Nonna’s curse work?
When was the last time you were spontaneous? You know, did something fun, on the spur of the moment. It’s what children do. It’s time to put a little more fun and joy into our lives. Acting spontaneously to fill up a moment with joy and laughter, song, and dance are good starters. The following video begins with a person playing a piano in the park, a stranger joins in on the same keyboard. Both people joined in the spontaneity of moment and brought fun to their lives and all who watched them. Enjoy.
La Flor and LC took off early, they told me they were invited out for breakfast but wouldn’t say who invited them. I’m free – at least for a few hours. It’s not often I get some quiet time around here. Today’s a rare days and I’m taking advantage of it. I turned off the cell, shut off the iPad, closed the lid on my laptop. And, I brewed myself a generous cup of coffee. I take my coffee, bagel and cream cheese out to the patio. A sip of coffee. a bite of bagel, another sip of coffee, and then …
I hear the squealing of wheels. The screeching of brakes. The slamming of a car door, a pause, then the slamming of another car door. I know the pause, La Flor trained LC to open her door whenever she enters or exits a car, room, whatever. Then, the front door, recently repaired with reinforced hinges, a metal plate in the wall where the knob slams into the wall. The clang is loud enough to wake the city. My ears are ringing.
Appear La Flor and LC
“Ray, Ray, Ray,” said an excited La Flor.
I steel myself. Whenever La Flor’s excitement hits eleven on a scale of five, it’s not going to be good.
Before I can speak, LC hollers, “Ray-mo, Ray-mo, Ray-mo.”
It’s going to be worse than I can imagine. What blog writer helped them craft this storyline? I’ll get even, I won’t like their post today.
“Thanks for the coffee and bagel, Ray. Why didn’t you set a place for LC? Oh, never mind. Let me tell you what happened this morning,” said La Flor taking a bite of bagel, sip of coffee. She set the bagel down. “Bagels fill me fast, you can have the rest, LC.”
“Huh?”
“Tanks beautiful, tough, and edgy I won’t steel (yes, he said steel instead of steal) your tunder,” said LC. Two bites later, my bagel is nowhere to be seen.
“Thank you, LC. You are a gentleman unlike others at this table. Ray, we had breakfast with O’Leary at Joey’s Donut Shop. Cops and their guests get free coffee and donuts.”
“Why did O’Leary want to have breakfast with you and LC?” I asked.
“O’Leary got chewed out by his boss because of the crime wave in his precinct. He wants us to help him crack the criminal capers,” said La Flor.
“Huh?”
“May I?” said LC.
“Bring it on home you lucky to have me as your girl hunk,” said La Flor.
“O’Leary says he wants us to be undercovers in the community. Use know, keeps our ears to the ground, our noses in everybody’s business, making sure we’s got a finger in every pie. See what I’m saying?”
I see where you’re going, straight to jail. I keep my thoughts to myself. “I see what you’re saying. What are you two supposed to do?”
“We’re getting paid under the table from a slush fund that the taxpayers don’t know nothing about. Plus they’re giving us expenses and a car they confiscated from low ball crooks.”
“Anything else?”
“Me and La Flor told him any pizza orders had to come from Carmen’s Pizzeria.”
“I’ll take it from here, LC. What’s really good about the new jobs, Ray, we get inside information on all the police action. This way, we can warn Big Carmen.”
“I thought you two were working for the police?”
“We are, Ray. You are so slow to catch on. We’re going to help the police get rid of all of Big Carmen’s competitors.”
“I think this is illegal.”
“No it’s not,” said La Flor.
“How do you know it’s not illegal?” I asked.
“Remember, I was an attorney. I know the law. I think I saw an episode of NCIS or CSI or was it a movie with Will Farrell or Adam Sandler?”
“When do you start working?”
“We’re going to stake out the Fur Palace tonight, the police got a tip it’s going to be hit. We’ve got perfect cover, we’re going to make out so no one will think we’re working for the police. Of course, we’ll call Big Carmen first and tell him not to hit it.”
“How can you watch what’s happening if you’re making out?” I asked.
“Watch what?”
“Huh.”
“Ray, don’t be a stuck in the mud. Turn off your iPad and cut loose with LC and me. We’re going to Big Carmen’s sports bar. There’s some kind of big game, ” said La Flor dressed in a way to short circuit the male brain.
“I don’t want to go to a sports bar. Big Carmen owns a sports bar? I thought he only owned a pizzeria,” I said while moving my fingers on my iPad.
LC (note: I’m tired of writing Little Carmen every time I speak. I’m getting carpel tunnel in my fingers) grabbed hold of my iPad. “Let go Ray-mo, it’s for use own good. Use can watch the big game.”
“No, I need my my iPad. How will I find out what’s happening? How will be able to check Yelp? How will I see if I’m getting retweeted? What big game?”
LC gives a yank, nearly pulls off the sofa, “If use excuses me, use can have use iPad back when the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman I adore says use can. As for the udder (yes, he said udder, not other) questions, the pizzeria is only a front. Don’t remember I said that. Big Carmen gets touchy about such stuff. As for the big game, I tinks it’s a soccer match between two clubs nobody ever heard about.”
“A front for what?” I asked.
“What am I am gonna tell him beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”
They whisper. They look at each other. They whisper again. They look at each other. They whisper some more. La Flor said, “LC is ready to tell you. LC get really, really close to me.”
“Okay.”
La Flor whispers in LC’s ear. LC says, “I means to say it is an affront.”
La Flor whispers again into LC’s ear, “To tinks that it is a front for anything other than which it is, which is namely a pizzeria.”
“Good boy,” La Flor pats LC on the back of his head. I’m waiting for her to scratch his belly and see LC’s foot jumping.
“So, you going or are you going to stay home and watch reruns? asked La Flor.
“Okay, I’ll go. Do I have to get dressed up for this place? What’s it called?” I tossed two questions. Maybe I confused the issue.
“I suggest getting out of your scrubby, dirty, so old they get a senior’s discount Nike’s, rumbled workout shirt, and the excuse for jeans you’re wearing and think Sport’s Bar.”
“I am thinking sports bar. I think I’d fit right in.”
“We’ve got so much work to do with him LC.”
“Yah, beautiful, tough, and edgy one, and so little time to do it. Especially if we is leaving in fifteen minutes,” said LC.
“You’re both wearing jeans,” I said.
“I’m poured into mine. LC’s are the straight leg, macho paints. His muscular waist and can I say six pack, accentuates his broad shoulders. Notices his form fitting casual shirt. I am going to show LC off and if anyone tries to sidle up to him, Lil Carlo promised he’d help out.”
“Lil Carlo?”
“Yah, Ray-mo. He’s the muscle tonight,” said LC.
“I’ll be back in a minute. One minute later, “How do I look?”
“Seriously?” said La Flor.
“Can you be kind?” I said.
“You’ve got no worries, you’ll be coming home with us.”
“Huh?”
I buy my suits at Men’s Wearhouse. I’ve never worn a $4000 dollar suit. The shirt cost I’m wearing costs more than all the suits in my closet combined. The shoes, tie, and cufflinks they handed me? If I purchased them, I’d need a second mortgage. Why am I doing this? It’s my blog, I can rewrite the script. Yet, there is an alien force alive in the alt ego world pulling me deeper and deeper into its parallel universe. What have I got to lose? To start with, the little sanity I have left after bringing La Flor into the mix.
The voice from the living room brings me out of my reverie, “Use ready, we don’t want to keep the family waiting. It won’t look good for anybody and that means nobody,” said Tony.
I need to pick up mob speak as a second language. I did a final check in the mirror, pulled my cuffs out. Have to admit I look good. First born Italian sons always have a gigantic ego. Even when it is not deserved.
Tony is wearing a black leather driving cap. He has black driving gloves. Black T-shirt, black pants. For an instant, I wonder if I’m going to a funeral. He opens the back door to the black stretch limo. I get in and Fredo slides in next to me. His dress is the same except for the hat. He’s wearing dark shades.
“I don’t want use to gets lonely,” said Fredo. He takes out a pair of earplugs, pops them into his ears and starts watching a video on his phone.
I want to make conversation, “What movie are you watching?”
“Hey Tony, he wants to know what movie I’m watching.”
Tony starts laughing so hard, he bangs his right palm on the dash board. Fredo, pauses his movie. He’s laughing too. He stops laughing, he wipes the tears from his face. He turns to me and said, “Mob hits. It’s not the movies.”
Mob hits. It’s not the movies?”
“How shall I puts it to use? Use know how ESPN does the best plays of the day from the day before in case use didn’t see them?”
“Yes?”
Fredo says, “Something like that. Let’s say it is a training film made from real experience. Like a reality show, but it is not a reality show.”
Enough. As soon as I get back I’m calling the FBI and entering the witness protection program against the alt ego mob. What am I saying? I created the alt egos.
“Dis is use problem, if I may say so. Noticed I did not use use name because if I did use use name, somebody who’s not supposed to hear what I am saying will hear what I am saying and use may come under discussion. If use knows what I mean. Shake your head if use follows my logical,” said Fredo.
Is there a grammatical rule against using use use back to back? Of course there is, please don’t email, text, or call and explain the rule to me. I did not follow his logic because there is no logic to follow. Fredo speaks in convoluted sentences without a sentence structure. I nod my head. What else can I do?
Fredo goes back to his training film. Tony hollers back, “Use need a stiff drink to calm use nervousness before use interview?”
“I don’t drink,” I said.
“This is a mistake,” said Tony.
“Why? I do it for health reasons.”
“I gonna gives use a clue. Now if they accepts use for the position which everyone knows use is interviewing for, I want use to remember hows I went about to help use prepare. Everybody who’s gonna interview use is gonna be drinking wine. They gonna offer use wine, if use don’t drink it, they’s gonna think there is something wrong with use. Use won’t get the job.”
I try to play this cool, seeing my way out of my predicament. I wonder if I can keep the suit. I say, “I eat tofu too.”
“Hey, Fredo, use hears what he jus said? He said he eats toe food.”
Fredo pulls out his earplugs, “Use eats toe food?”
I assumed this is there way of speaking, I nod.
“They gonna love this man, Tony. He’s a cannonball. He’s not gonna take any cannoli from anybody likes the last guy.”
I think he meant to say cannibal instead of cannonball. I let it go, instead, I ask, “The last guy?”
“Yah, he’s coming up on my training film. He made a nice exit if use knows what I mean. He coulda made the Olympic swim team if they have diving from overpass on I-35 at rush hour. You wants to see it?
“Not now, Fredo, we’s here,” said Tony out of the corner of his mouth.
Tony pulls the limo to a stop in the warehouse district. Tony says, “We’s at cooperate.”
“You mean corporate?”
“Whad I say?”
Mario’s Ice Storage? Corporate? A sign on the door, Reopens When We Reopens.
I listen to my ringtone play Theme From The Godfather. I consider letting it go to messages. Then, I think Big Carmen will walk through my door, locked or unlocked. What could he want? I know what he wants. I don’t want what he wants. I don’t want him in the house where he’ll twist my arm,
“Dis is Big Carmen,” The voice on the other end. Really? I’d never guess, duh!
I said, “How’s it going?”
“What chu talking bout? You talking bout this thing, or that thing, and the other thing. Maybe use mean nothing, see what I’m saying?”
Does the whole family talk this way? Who taught them to speak this way? Are they products of public education? I digress. I said, “I hear you.”
“I said, ‘do you see what I’m saying,’ which is quite different from ‘hear what I’m saying.’ I didn’t ask if use hear. I asks if use see. See what I’m saying?”
I’m a quick learner. I said, “I see what you’re saying?”
“Use talking about the first thing or the second thing or both things?”
I want to ask if this is a multiple-choice exam with free retakes. Instead, I say the first thing that comes to mind, which I immediately regret, “All of the above.”
There is silence. Did he hang up. No, I hear a voice in the background holler, ‘extra cheese, double anchovies.’ I wonder if Big Carmen is working and talking at the same time. He finally speaks, “I pause my thinking because use answer was deep, deeper than the deep dish pizza Struzzerio makes, which use hid under use sofa while I was at use house. Use should have offered me a piece. Even if I hate the Stuzzerios, I loves their deep dish. I make Lil Carlo go in disguise to get me one every now and then.”
“What kind of disguise does he wear when he orders one,” I asked.
“Is use phone got termites, if use know what I means?”
“I know what you mean and my phone doesn’t have termites or ants or roaches.”
“Use can never be too careful. This is why and that is why referring to how use answered my above question why I am going to brings you to the board of directors today for use interview for the position for which I am grooming use.”
I need to change the subject. I said, “What is Lil Carlo’s disguise?”
“See what I’m saying? Use is a detail man. Nobody is going to ask that question because it is one of those hidden questions. The answer is a stocking mask with eye holes just big enough for his thick black rimmed glasses. He looks like a freak when he wears it, let me tell use. If I didn’t knows it was him, he’d scared the crap out of me. But since I know’d it was him, I still haven’t gone. What do use thinks I should take for being plugged up?”
I’ve got to figure out how to escape from the alt ego world. While I’m stuck on the alt ego treadmill I’ll play the game. I said, “I see what you’re saying. Now, about being plugged up, have you thought of adding fiber to the pizza crust?”
“Dis is a joke, right? Use is pulling my legs, maybe both at the same time? Except for California, who ever heard of fiber? Know what I uses fiber for?”
I afraid to ask and afraid not to ask. The better choice, ask, “What?”
“Well, not me, but some people I happen to know who might now and then do a favor or two or three for me. In case anybody is trying to listen, everything I’m saying is on the up and up. They use it for health reasons.”
“That’s what fiber is for. It helps to keep you regular,” I said.
“What the hell use talking about, Ray. They uses it for the health of a third or fourth or fifth party after which the third, or fourth, or fifth party doesn’t have health problems never again. It’s like miracle medicine, which Doc Oz won’t use because he might consider it an edgy alternative medicine. Use reading between the lines and under the covers and in a darkened room, get my drifting?”
“I get your drifting. Thanks for calling. I enjoyed our chat. I got to run. Ciao,” I said.
“Not so fast. Is use mind slipping. I won’t say anything to the family, but don’t let it slip again because the family is forgiving up to a point. What I am telling use for your own good in use interview…”
“Interview? I didn’t apply for a job,” I’m working hard to control my bladder.
“This is a point in your favor, which does away with the other point, which was not in your favor. We saves on paper and personnel when we don’t accept applications. Use interview is in fifteen minutes.”
“But, but, my suit is in the cleaners. My shoes aren’t shined. I don’t have a starched shirt. I have had my sixth cup of coffee,” I said hoping something sticks.
“Taken care of. Tony and Fredo are outside your door. Tony has your Italian made silk suit, shoes, shirt, and tie. Fredo gots use venti coffee with four shots of espresso. He also gots gold cuff links he picked up last night from Hastings Jewelry. See you in fifteen minutes, Ciao.”
“Hey, Ray. Can use dress use self or use going to need help?” asks Tony, a five foot eleven fire hydrant with dark black hair, sunglasses, gold bracelet and chains.
“I can dress myself,” I said.
His twin, I assume Fredo, comes in with my coffee and cuff links. Fredo said, “We dress like this to fit the TV image. Nobody in their right mind dresses this way.”
An interview with the family?
Can I get into the witness protection business?
I hope the suit fits.
“We done here? I need a vacation, I’m burned out,” said La Flor.
“Use takes all the times use needs to refurnish your membranes. Use were awesome beautiful, tough, and edgy whatever. After the first ad ran I couldn’t make pizza fast enough. It’s a good ting Tony Caruso owes me a fav an he shut down his pizzeria for the night to help me out,” said Big Carmen. He added, “I gots one fav to ask? Well, come to tink of it, that is unless a third percolates in my memory.”
I’m sure Little Carmen was home schooled seeing how he speaks perfect Big Carmen English.
“I’ll do it if it’s not too much trouble. It’s hard being a working girl. Now I understand how the big time models who are not as beautiful as me, or as nice as me, or as intelligent as me look like they need a Frappuccino,” said La Flor.
“Dis is my foist fav.”
“Yes, what’s the second fav?” asked La Flor.fav?”
“What’d she say?” asked Big Carmen to no one and everyone.
“Yes,” said Little Carmen.
“I’m talking about the second part, not the first part. Don’t go confusing the confused,” said Big Carmen.
TT waved his arm, “What’s use want pinky pole?”
TT’s brain was working overtime trying to process pinky pole. TT knew he wasn’t Polish so Big Carmen couldn’t have meant Pol. What other kinds of pol could there be, maybe a politician? Yet, he wasn’t a politician. He looked around the room for something pink, something pol. He came up empty.
“What chu looking for? No body gonna come and pulls your skinny butt out of the pizza oven,” said Big Carmen.
“The beautiful, tough, edgy and burned out super model said yes,” said Little Carmen.
“Use is repeating the repeated, LL. Use don’t has the second part, which is more important than the first part. Now, I’m gonna ask my second fav,” said Big Carmen.
“I want’s use to meets my godchild by my friend Mario who owes me many favs and he just added a big one because he hasn’t done a fav for me,” said Big Carmen.
“Why do I get all the hard stuff?” bemoaned La Flor.
“This leads me to the turd fav,” said Big Carmen (yes, he said turd).
“What is the turd fav? You know you owe me big time for doing turd favs for you?”
La Flor is the master of the suck up as well as the master of many other wonderful gifts as as well.
“I know I owes use, beautiful, tough, edgy and I owes use a big fav,” said Big Carmen.
“As long as we got it straight, you handsome beyond all measures father of LC,” said La Flor.
“Big Bro, she’s got a way with the words. They spell binds me,” said Lil Carlo.
“Use is righteous, Lil Carlo. La Flor’s I wants use to mentor my godchild, Carmela. She’s waiting in the tomato sauce pantry. Use can tell she was named after some big shot.”
“Oh kay,” La Flor drew out the ‘Oh’ for five seconds and clanged the symbols on ‘kay.”
“What’s Pinky pole doing with his arm in the air?” asked Lil Carlo.
“I dunno. I tinks he gots to go number one or number two or number three, which is what I don’t want to know,” said Big Carmen.
“Hold it Pinky,” said Lil Carlo.
“Hey Carmela, get use selfie out here to meets use mentor,” hollered Big Carmen.
A smaller, younger, but not too much younger splitting image of La Flor walked out of the tomato pantry. She saw La Flor. She stopped. She gasped. She threw her hands over her heart, “Oh, La Flor. You are the most admired woman in the world. I want to be just like you. I try to look and dress like you, but no one can capture you exactly,” said Carmela.
“Come on over, girlfriend. Let’s go out for some wine and girl talk,” said La Flor.
“Can I come?” asked Little Carmen.
“LC, you drive. Wait in the car. Don’t bother us.”
“Okay.”
“How many times do I have to tell you LC, take the photos and video from my good side,” La Flor barking orders like a Marine drill sergeant.
(Note: after La Flor’s complaints about not getting top billing in dialogue I had no choice but to start today’s blog with her).
“But beautiful, tough, edgy and sexy and spicy model for Carmen’s Pizzeria use only has good sides,” pleaded Little Carmen.
“That’s true. A little English 101, LC, good, better, best. Comprehende? Only use my best sides. Good is not good enough and better is for losers,” La Flor fired at Little Carmen.
Off to the side, Big Carmen and Lil Carlo kibitz, “This is what I likes about the beautiful, tough, edgy and more popular than my pepperoni special on Super Bowl Sunday.”
“Big Bro, do use has to toss the salad for your establishment every time use mentions her,” said Lil Carlo.
“What I tell you about the cliches? Enough already. I forgot to mention the pepperoni pizza comes with extra cheese and is seven sixty-three today only.”
“Cut the chatter, LC can’t concentrate,” barked La Flor while checking herself out in the mirror.
“That’s because use is showing too much cleavage, which to me is not a bad thing,” said Big Carmen.
“The kid can’t handle it, Big Bro. She gots him wrapped around her little toe.”
“I agrees with that. Maybe I gots to find a substitute to handle the photos and video. What chu tinks?” said Big Carmen.
“What about the skinny red pencil with the comb over and eye twitch?” suggested twitch?” suggested
TT was standing next to LC holding a poster board that read, “If you want to be beautiful and nice as me, you’ll love Carmen’s Pizza.”
“LC, LC, LC zoom in on my face, por favor,” shrieked La Flor.
“I, keep forgetting too beautiful, tough, and edgy super model,” apologized Little Carmen.
“We gonna take a break and make some changes. Tings are not going as well as I tinks they should be going if use know what I means,” said Big Carmen.
“I know what you mean,” said TT trying his best to suck up to Big Carmen.Carmen.trying his best to suck up to Big Carmen.
“What was not going right?” demanded La Flor.
“Use was perfect, beautiful, tough, edgy and no one better cross your path super model. I was speaking about the photographer and I am going to make a switch.”
“What photographer?” said Little Carmen.
“The only one we got,” answered Big Carmen.
“I take great photos, can I take his place? Let me show you my work I did today,” said Little Carmen. He holds up his iPhone to Big Carmen.
“Dis is a family blog, delete those photos.”Dis is a family blog, delete those photos.”
“But Big Carmen, they’re all of the beautiful, tough, and edgy, brighter than the brightest star woman?”
“Delete or use knows what’s gonna happen.”
“Darn it.”
“Use is regulated to holding the poster board and TT gonna take use place. Gives him the iPhone.”
“My new, nobody in the world but me has one, iPhone? No. Please, No,” pleaded Little Carmen.
“That’s the one. Go get your Android.”
“Not my Android.”
“It’s all about me, remember,” shouted La Flor.
“Opps,” Big Carmen, Little Carmen, and TT said. Lil Carlo didn’t say anything, He was studying the horses for the fifth race at Pimlico.
Will the photo shoot ever end? Will Little Carmen get his new iPhone back? Will Lil Carlo pick a winner? Will La Flor ever be happy with any photo or video? So many questions. Did I mention Big Carmen’s sister Carmela?
