pizza

What Comes Around Goes Around

by

“Why are you pacing back and forth, looking out the window, and checking your iPhone?” I asked La Flor.

She stopped pacing, turned and glared at me with her arms akimbo, and said, “I’m pacing for my cardio work. I’m looking out the window because I’m on neighborhood watch, and I’m checking my iPhone to make sure there is no fake news about me.”

“You expect me to believe that story?” I asked.

“Why not? You fall for everything else I say,” she said and went to the window and looked down the street.

“What are you worried about?” I asked.

“Can you tell? I thought I was hiding it so well,” La Flor said.

“It was a wild guess. Are you worried about Little Carmen? What’s he up to?”

“Why would I be worried about LC? He’d never do anything wrong. He’d never do anything illegal. He’d never have to make bail. Oh Ray, LC’s with Lil Carlo.”

“I warned you. I told you not to get mixed up with Big Carmen and Lil Carlo. You wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Go back and rewrite everything. You’re the one writing the blog. Fix it. Make LC a College president who always sucks up to me. All you have to do is change a sentence her, a paragraph there, and title now and then and hit update. How hard is that? You’re my friend right?”

“I’m your friend, but …”

The door, my wall, the handyman bills are going to keep piling up.

“I’m home beautiful, tough, and edgy one. I gots some surprises for use,” said Little Carmen wearing a black stocking hat, gloves, and black T.

“Ray, push the pause on that last request until I check out the surprises,” said La Flor. She turned to Little Carmen and said, “Come over here you fine male specimen, what did you bring your beautiful, tough, and edgy woman?”

“After I helped out Big Carmen, me and Lil Carlo picks up a few things on the way out.”

The way out of where? What did Big Carmen have him doing? I may as well get it over with. “Little Carmen, what did you and Lil Carlo do tonight?”

“It was an easy squeezy job Ray-mo. Big Carmen was running low on crushed tomatoes, wine, and imported anchovies, imported meats, and the most expensive cheeses money can buy. We gots them for him. And, when we were finished, I stopped by an old acquaintance’s house and got a few gifts of which I am going to show my beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

My heart started pounding. I have visions of being raided. I’m watching Little Carmen hand La Flor a string of small pearls and matching earrings.

“Ray, how do they look? You never got me pearls. LC is so thoughtful, kind, and masculine,” said La Flor before she threw herself into Little Carmen’s arms and kissed him.

I walked out the room and let them have their space. I turned on my computer. Out of habit I checked the local news.

Chef Vigeli’s Culinary School Hit By Thieves.

In a related story, world renowned Chef Leo Vigeli’s house was hit by burglars who took an undetermined amount of jewelry. Chef Vigeli says it’s probably a culinary school prank and won’t file a police report.

“Huh?”

You Can’t Handle Da Tooth

by

Big Carmen and Lil Carlo sit on the sofa in my living room. Big Carmen has a bottle of beer in his right hand and slice of pepperoni pizza in his left. Lil Carlo’s has his gun resting on the coffee table. He has a blue plastic cup of house (not my house, Carmen’s) red wine in his left hand, and a slice of the pepperoni pizza in his right.

“When’s the beautiful, tough, and edgy one gonna read her scripto?” ask Big Carmen. Before I answered, he added, “How come use is not eating a slice of my pie?”

When am I going to learn. Think first, speak second. Not today. I said, “Pepperoni is not good for you. It has nitrates. It has fats. It has other stuff, which will mess with your veins.”

“You tink so? I don’t. It’s the foundation for any good pizza. The secret is in the grease drippings. Sees, it’s the grease drippings that acts like Roto Rooter and cleans use colon. They sticks to the bad stuff. Let me asks use, how clean is use colon?”

Did Big Carmen move into the colon cleansing business? I don’t want to go there. Do you know anyone who checks the cleanliness of their colon? I hate my annual physical, know what I mean? I haven’t met a single person who wants to talk about how the cleanliness of their colon. Big Carmen and Lil Carlo are staring at me. Lil Carlo places his blue plastic cup next to his gun. His right hand rests on the gun with the kind of affection a mother gives to a baby. I wondered if it was possible to nurse a gun.

Saved.

The door to La Flor’s bedroom swings open, bangs against the wall. I’ll have to call the handyman to fix the dent in the wall where the door nob hit.

“Every body and I means all the bodies within my speaking vocals, the beautiful, tough, and edgy famous model will makes her day beaut entrance with me of course.”

La Flor, wearing what I’d call – no, I’m not going to call it anything. I’m not going to try to describe it. She’s being carried out by a bare chested black bear who is barefooted and wearing, I am grateful, a men’s bathing suit. La Flor’s left arm is draped around Little Carmen’s neck, her right hand carrying her script. The paper offers as much cover as the cloth. Little Carmen cradles his precious cargo.

Big Carmen and Lil Carlo stand and start applauding. Applauding? What are they applauding? Big Carmen gives me a look, I stand and applaud. The queen, AKA La Flor blows Big Carmen a kiss. I thought he was going to collapse back onto the sofa.

The audience takes their seats on the sofa. Little Carmen carries La Flor to the TV and stops and pivots so they face the three of us.

“How do you like it so far?” said La Flor.

“Use knocked all my socks off and I wears about four pair,” said Big Carmen.

“Use knocked all my boxers off and I wears six pair,” said Lil Carlo.

Lil Carlo wears boxers? I didn’t know they sold boxers in the kid’s clothing section. I keep quiet.

“What about you, Ray.” La Flor won’t let me keep quiet. Four sets of eyes stare at me.

“Uh, ah, um. I’m speechless. You knocked all my words out of me,” again I am pleased with my brilliant mind. My ability to turn tragedy in triumph.

“You can’t handle my sexuality. Can you, Ray?” said La Flor.

“Yes, I can,” I countered weakly.

“You can’t handle da tooth,” said Little Carmen. “Did I get it right, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

“Close enough.”

La Flor said, “I’m tired. My perfect entrance took it all out of me. Can I read the script tomorrow you handsome man?”

“Any ting for use. Use beautiful, tough, and edgy one,” said Big Carmen.

“Can I come wit use?” Asked Lil Carlo to Big Carmen.

“Sure ting.”

Wine Makes The Sun Shine

by

The Fab Four, AKA, La Flor, Little Carmen, Carmela, and TT, are sitting with me at a corner table at Marzelli’s Trattoria. Geno Marzelli, older, stooped, wearing a silk, handmade Italian suit comes to our table carrying a bottle of expensive wine.

Skip that, I’m rewriting the scene.

“No, you can’t. I don’t want to change a thing. Don’t ruin everything,” said La Flor with a voice sharp enough to slice a hunk of parmesan cheese.

“I don’t want to be part of the mob. I don’t want you to have hot merchandise. I doing a total rewrite.”

“I’m on strike. Who said anything about mob? Not me. Not Big Carmen. Not Pepper. Not Whale. Not the 5th,” said La Flor.

“And, may I add 2 + 3 doesn’t always make 4,” said Little Carmen.

“Huh,” said La Flor, Carmela, TT, and me.

“I’m going to have you becoming a nun and going to South America to live high in the Andes,” I said.

“You are sick. TT call Dr. Phil or somebody over there. We need an intervention and we need it now,” said La Flor trying to play Mozart’s piano concerto without a piano.

“May I intervention to bring this statement to a concluding (I think Geno meant to say, stalemate), said Geno Marzelli.

“We all turned to him. Wine makes the sun shine. It makes the grass green. It makes the birds sing. I give you my best wine. Besides, the beautiful, tough and edgy eye candy is the apples in my eye.” Geno places the wine on the table, bows to La Flor and walks away.

“I think he’s the 5th,” I said.

“Leave it alone, Ray. Do you see how nice Geno was to me? Are you jealous? Of course you are. You could take lessons from him, and so could you, LC.”

“Use wants  me to starts practicing bow wowing?” said Little Carmen.

“Yes, and think of ditching the Carmen’s Pizzeria T-shirts with a pepperoni pizza on the back.”

“But I gots a box full, there must be a hundred in there. What am I going to do with them?” asked Little Carmen.

“Do I have to think of everything? My job description says I only have to be eye candy, look beautiful, tough, and edgy. It’s taking all my time.”

“Yah!” said Carmela.

“Ditto,” whispered TT not loud enough for Little Carmen to hear him.

“I thought you rescued me. Instead, you sold me out,” I said gesturing a finger at La Flor.

“Oh Ray. How simple minded you are. Read your job description, out loud please so we all can help you.”

La Flor telling me what to do? I created her. I take a Carmen’s Pizzeria to go menu from the inside pocket of my silk Italian suit. I turn it over because it is on the back side where my job description is written. I start, “Large sausage pizza with Carmen’s special sauce, fourteen seventy-five. Order before seven and get a cannoli.”

“That’s use job description? I thought it was mine,” said Little Carmen.

“Apparently so,” I said.

“Ray, read between the lines, not the menu. Didn’t you listen to Big Carmen? He’s really, very, very, very, smart and handsome,” said La Flor.

“Is he is handsome as his only son,” asked Little Carmen.

“Oh my baby hunk, don’t be insecure. I’m wearing your rock. I have your fur coat. And, might I say keep the furnishings coming.”

“All of which are being donated to the poor today. We’ll stop by the church,” I said.

“No!”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“I’m doing it right now. We suddenly found ourselves at St. Mary’s. We all went to the small building in back of the church that took donations for the poor.”

“Please stop writing. In the name of all that’s good, please stop,” pleaded La Flor.

La Flor, the generous, beautiful, tough, and edgy woman, handed her $10,000 fur coat to the nun taking donations.

“Not my coat!” she hollered.

La Flor seeing the look of gratitude on the nun’s eyes, handed her the $5000 hand crafted black leather boots with spike heels.

“Not my boots!” La Flor shouted.

La Flor, a walking saint, takes off the hot ring and hands it to the nun, “I hope this will help buy food for the hungry,” she said.

“You are the most generous, wonderful, kind, and compassionate woman I’ve met in a long time,” said Sister Monica.

“It’s hard, Sister living in the same house with self-centered, cheap, Ray.

“I understand,” said Sister Monica glaring at me. She turned back to La Flor, “If they give you anymore hot merchandise, bring it over here where it will do some good. Now go back to being eye candy. It keeps those guys calm.

“Thank you, Sister. Now let’s get back to Geno’s I need some wine.”

Can you follow this story? I’m having trouble.

I look at the back of the menu again. She’s right. Between the lines of the menu, are some small words printed with a ball point pen, the hotel variety kind. I read them to the Fab Four, “Use do’s a good job and use gets a bonus on top of the bonus. Don’t ask no question on what use is to do, jus do it. If use don’t know what use is supposed to do, use can clam (yes, it was written clam instead of claim) use is crazy and get off light.”

“See, it’s simple. Anyone can do that job and you’ll finally be making a contribution to society instead of blabbing about me and my entourage on your blog.”

I want to say lots of things. My lips won’t work. My vocal chords are in the Arctic circle and it’s December 21. I feel like I’m hyperventilating when a hand crashes into my back, my forehead hits the table and bounces back.

I hear La Flor say, “Big Carmen how do you get more handsome every time I see you. You make my heart flutter.”

“Beautiful, tough, and edgy one, use the one making my heart turn into chicken cacciatore.”

Big Carmen tells a guy at the table next to us to find another chair. He takes the guy’s chair and pulls it in between La Flor and me. He puts his right arm around me and pulls me tight to him, “Use pulled it off with use intellectual wit, Ray.”

I summon my courage, I said, “What does your organization do?”

“We helps the poor. The unfortunate. The underpriviledged. And, of course ourselves. Use hear what I am saying? We are a charitable organization.”

“You are?”

He whispers, “Dat was for the Feds. Use every heard of Robbing Hood?”

“Robin Hood?” I corrected.

“What I say? We do the same ting. Use is going to manage it cause I’m too busy with my pizzeria.”

I look at TT who’s looking at Carmela. I said, “Why not TT as your manager. Keep it in the family. He’s hot for your godchild, Carmela.”

“Use don’t mind? Use not gonna take it personal?”

“Me? Never.”

“Where does that leave me?” asked La Flor.

“Sipping coffee on the patio with me.”

 

She Got a Boyfriend?

by

It has to be a dream. I know it isn’t. I’ve entered the alt ego world and can’t find my way back.

Tony holds my right arm and Fredo my left as they guide me toward Mario’s Ice Storage. The door opens. Lil Carlo steps out wearing a winter cap pulled down over his ears. He has a thick winter overcoat dropping down over his ankles. A thick woolen scarf wrapped four times around his neck. His hands are thrusts into his coat pockets. He looks like a capybaras, the dog size rat now in Florida.

“Here’s da package Carlo,” said Fredo.

The rodent speaks, “Hey, how many times I gonna to tell use to calls me Lil Carlo so’s nobody gets confused me with Bigger Carlo, and Really Big Carlo? I ought to put a bullet where you don’t want me to put a bullet if use knows what I means.”

Fredo raises his hand.

“What?” barks Lil Carlo.

“Five times?”

Lil Carlo ponders the suggestion. Then says, “Three.”

Fredo says, “Deal.”

“Go get some clothes for this guy, he’ll freeze his nuts off,” said Lil Carlo.

“Hey, it’s a family blog. Cut that language out,” I said.

“I forgets. Anyway, everybody likes peanuts, the roasted kinds with lots of salt. Me, personally, I likes the kind with Sriracha sauce. It’s new on the market.”

“I believe peanuts are a legume, not a nut,” I said.

Lil Carlo pulls a gun out of the coat pocket. He points it at me. He said, “I believes use is incorrectly mistaken and appropriating the wrong meaning to peanuts. It looks like a nut. It tastes like a nut, so, I asks use, it must be a …”

“Nut?” I said.

“Good choice,” said Lil Carlo slipping his gun back into his overcoat pocket.

Tony brings me a stocking hat, gloves, overcoat, and cashmere scarf. “You’ll be okay if use don’t stay in the freezer for more than a half hour. If use in there more than a half hour, maybe your nose gets frozen. Although, I never heard of a nose falling off from frostbite, but if it did, it gots to hurt. Use looks like you could lose a inch or two and still be okay.”

“Thanks for the compliment,” I said.

“No problem. That’s the second thing I did for use. Use remembers the first thing?” said Tony.

Before I can answer, Big Carmen comes up to me and gives me a bear hug. I hope he didn’t break two ribs. He squeezed the air out of my lungs.

“I sees use is noy verse since use is having a hard time breathing. This is a normal reduction for peoples who applied for this position,” said Big Carmen.

I gasp, “I, I didn’t apply.”

“Ssshhhh. Use don’t want the family to hears that I did you a favor of a lifeline.”

Lifeline? Did he mean lifetime? I can’t follow these guys. How am I supposed to communicate with them?

Big Carmen turns me toward the back of the room. I don’t see anyone. “Where is everyone?” I ask.

“In da freezer.”

“In the freezer?”

“What I just say? I hates to repeat myself or repeat others. It’s like seeing reruns, which I never liked because I know how the ending ends,” said Big Carmen.

“Why, the freezer?” I ask.

“Why not?” said Big Carmen. Then he added, “I just teached (yes, he said teached) use a lesson. The lesson being never answer a question unless use answers a question with a question. Lets me gives use an example. Suppose the cops are grilling use and they say, ‘What can use tell us about Big Carmen?” Use say, “Big Carmen? or “Do use know how big Big Carmen is?” See what I’m saying?”

“I see what you’re saying.”

“Exactly. See, noboby ever got convicted of asking a question. They only get convicted for answering a question. Use follow me?”

“Every place you go,” I said.

“Now that is not true. Use do not follow me to the toilet. Nobody follows me there. Use don’t follow me to the confessional, which by the way is where I am every Saturday so I remain holy just in case.”

“I follow you,” I said.

He opened the door to the freezer. I’m staring at three guys with ski masks, stocking hats, winter coats, boots, gloves, and cataract sunglasses.

Big Carmen said, “The person of no interest on the right goes by Pepper cause he gots a hot temper. The person of some interest in the middle goes by Whale since he encourages those who disagrees with him to go whale watching. The person of considerable interest on the left goes by 5th cause that’s what he’s always pleading.”

“Very interesting,” I said.

“No, it is not interesting to use, never. If it is never interesting use can’t remember what is was that wasn’t interesting in which case if use are ever asked if use discovered something interesting in use job, use answers truthfully, use can even pass the lie inspector test.” said Big Carmen.

He turned to  the three ski masks, “Dis is Ray, Fredo suggests we calls him Toe Food cause that what he likes to eat if anyone displeases him, if use knows what I means.”

Pepper, Whale, and 5th nod as if they’ve practiced the wave. I’m freezing. My teeth are chattering. I’ve goosebumps on my goosebumps. I read someplace what I’m experiencing is like canoeing down the Amazon and the canoe is surrounded by piranha. All you can do is paddle.

 

“So’s use is the new manager if we says use is the news manager,” said Whale.

“I don’t like the news. I never watch it,” I said.

The 5th stared at me, then huddled with the other two.

They broke the huddle. Pepper gestured to me with a crooked index finger the size of a brat. He said, “Perfect answer. Use is hired.”

At that moment, the alt ego universe stood still, if, for only a second. The door burst open, Tony and Fredo pulled guns. Big Carmen said, “Chill, it’s the beautiful, tough, and edgy model for Carmen’s Pizzeria.”

Pepper took off his cataract glasses and said, “She’s hot.”

Whale removed his cataract glasses and said, “How’d use get her Big Carmen?”

The 5th took off his cataract glasses, drool spilled over his lower lip. He said, “She got a boyfriend?”

Before Big Carmen can speak, La Flor said, “You can’t have Ray. He’s my agent. If you sign him up as manager, I won’t do anymore ads for Big Carmen.”

I wanted to kiss La Flor. I’ll never say a bad word about her again. La Flor, beautiful, tough, and edgy whatever she wants to be is my hero.

La Flor, wrapped in a $10,000 waist length fur coat, black leather spiked heel boots that clung to her calfs, her hands on her hips, glared at the Whale.

The Whale said, “The dame’s tough.”

Pepper said, “Yah, buts she’s beautiful.”

And the 5th said, “She’s edgy.”

Big Carmen said, “I can lose use Ray, but I can’t lose the beautiful, tough and edgy one. She’ll break my boy’s heart and step on it with those heels. Besides, my pizza sales are through the roof. Take them home Tony and Fredo.

“Can we makes a deal with the beautiful, tough, and edgy one to be his administrative assistant. She don’t have to do nothing cept looks beautiful, tough, and edgy. The three of us likes the eye candy.”

“How much will you pay me? What perks do I get?” asked La Flor.

“Huh?” Will this circus ever end?

 

 

If The Suit Fits – Wear It

by

I listen to my ringtone play Theme From The Godfather. I consider letting it go to messages. Then, I think Big Carmen will walk through my door, locked or unlocked. What could he want? I know what he wants. I don’t want what he wants. I don’t want him in the house where he’ll twist my arm,

“Dis is Big Carmen,” The voice on the other end. Really? I’d never guess, duh!

I said, “How’s it going?”

“What chu talking bout?  You talking bout this thing, or that thing, and the other thing. Maybe use mean nothing, see what I’m saying?”

Does the whole family talk this way? Who taught them to speak this way? Are they products of public education? I digress. I said, “I hear you.”

“I said, ‘do you see what I’m saying,’ which is quite different from ‘hear what I’m saying.’ I didn’t ask if use hear. I asks if use see. See what I’m saying?”

I’m a quick learner. I said, “I see what you’re saying?”

“Use talking about the first thing or the second thing or both things?”

I want to ask if this is a multiple-choice exam with free retakes. Instead, I say the first thing that comes to mind, which I immediately regret, “All of the above.”

There is silence. Did he hang up. No, I hear a voice in the background holler, ‘extra cheese, double anchovies.’ I wonder if Big Carmen is working and talking at the same time. He finally speaks, “I pause my thinking because use answer was deep, deeper than the deep dish pizza Struzzerio makes, which use hid under use sofa while I was at use house. Use should have offered me a piece. Even if I hate the Stuzzerios, I loves their deep dish. I make Lil Carlo go in disguise to get me one every now and then.”

“What kind of disguise does he wear when he orders one,” I asked.

“Is use phone got termites, if use know what I means?”

“I know what you mean and my phone doesn’t have termites or ants or roaches.”

“Use can never be too careful. This is why and that is why referring to how use answered my above question why I am going to brings you to the board of directors today for use interview for the position for which I am grooming use.”

I need to change the subject. I said, “What is Lil Carlo’s disguise?”

“See what I’m saying? Use is a detail man. Nobody is going to ask that question because it is one of those hidden questions. The answer is a stocking mask with eye holes just big enough for his thick black rimmed glasses. He looks like a freak when he wears it, let me tell use. If I didn’t knows it was him, he’d scared the crap out of me. But since I know’d it was him, I still haven’t gone. What do use thinks I should take for being plugged up?”

I’ve got to figure out how to escape from the alt ego world. While I’m stuck on the alt ego treadmill I’ll play the game. I said, “I see what you’re saying. Now, about being plugged up, have you thought of adding fiber to the pizza crust?”

“Dis is a joke, right? Use is pulling my legs, maybe both at the same time? Except for California, who ever heard of fiber? Know what I uses fiber for?”

I afraid to ask and afraid not to ask. The better choice, ask, “What?”

“Well, not me, but some people I happen to know who might now and then do a favor or two or three for me. In case anybody is trying to listen, everything I’m saying is on the up and up. They use it for health reasons.”

“That’s what fiber is for. It helps to keep you regular,” I said.

“What the hell use talking about, Ray. They uses it for the health of a third or fourth or fifth party after which the third, or fourth, or fifth party doesn’t have health problems never again. It’s like miracle medicine, which Doc Oz won’t use because he might consider it an edgy alternative medicine. Use reading between the lines and under the covers and in a darkened room, get my drifting?”

“I get your drifting. Thanks for calling. I enjoyed our chat. I got to run. Ciao,” I said.

“Not so fast. Is use mind slipping. I won’t say anything to the family, but don’t let it slip again because the family is forgiving up to a point. What I am telling use for your own good in use interview…”

“Interview? I didn’t apply for a job,” I’m working hard to control my bladder.

“This is a point in your favor, which does away with the other point, which was not in your favor. We saves on paper and personnel when we don’t accept applications. Use interview is in fifteen minutes.”

“But, but, my suit is in the cleaners. My shoes aren’t shined. I don’t have a starched shirt. I have had my sixth cup of coffee,” I said hoping something sticks.

“Taken care of. Tony and Fredo are outside your door. Tony has your Italian made silk suit, shoes, shirt, and tie. Fredo gots use venti coffee with four shots of espresso. He also gots gold cuff links he picked up last night from Hastings Jewelry. See you in fifteen minutes, Ciao.”

“Hey, Ray. Can use dress use self or use going to need help?” asks Tony, a five foot eleven fire hydrant with dark black hair, sunglasses, gold bracelet and chains.

“I can dress myself,” I said.

His twin, I assume Fredo, comes in with my coffee and cuff links. Fredo said, “We dress like this to fit the TV image. Nobody in their right mind dresses this way.”

An interview with the family?

Can I get into the witness protection business?

I hope the suit fits.

 

I’m Not Managerial Material

by

I’m tired of the drama. I’ve got more drama than the White House and Congress combined. If it’s not La Flor, it’s Carmela who’s taken up residence. If it’s not one of the girls, it’s Little Carmen. And, now, TT is love struck. He purchased a notebook and doodles big hearts, little hearts and every kind of heart in between. TT + Carmela. Carmela + TT TLF. Oh, give me a break.

You want to know about the ring? Cousin Carl asked for an extra day. It had something to do with getting the boys together. A group of guys shopping for a ring for Little Carmen? I know. I’m naive.

Anyway, los cuatro amigos are out for a handsome carriage ride down by the Riverwalk. They’ll get in when they get in. I’m going to start the next season of my favorite series on Netflix. Remember how Big Carmen ruined the finale. At least he didn’t tell me how the next season started. I ordered a pizza from Struzzerio’s Deep Dish. Big Carmen doesn’t make deep dish and I’m craving it. I get it loaded with veggies. And, the sauce, the sauce is so good I’ll scrape the cardboard box to get every drop of it.  I’ll add extra cardio at the Y tomorrow.

I have my pizza. I bought Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. I have my diet soda to balance the Chunky Monkey. Everything is arranged on my coffee table. My cell is turned off. Netflix is on, and I push play. Life is good. Until . . .

“Hey, Ray. I bring use pizza so’s we can watch the Sox tonight against the Yanks.”

He’s in my house? How? Why? The door was locked. The shades are drawn. The TV is on low. I slide Struzzerio’s deep dish under the sofa.

Big Carmen walks into the living room carrying two extra large pizzas. A small box marked cannoli. And, another box marked, breadsticks and sauce. He said, “If the game goes into extra’s I’m gonna call Antonio to bring us more food.”

“Who’s Antonio?”

“Just a guy from the neighborhood who owes me a favor. He’s working the shop tonight because I got to be good to the man who taught my Little Carmen to talk like the angels, to sing like Pavarotti, to write like Dante.”

“I did?”

“Don’t be bashful. His beautiful, tough, and edgy woman is hot for him, It’s a marriage made on the plaza in heaven next to the pizzeria.”

“Don’t take this personal, Big Carmen. But, my doors were locked. How did you get in?”

“Use beans serious?” asked Big Carmen.

I nodded.

“Let me splain something to use. Use got a lock. The locks no good if use can’t open it. Am I right?”

What choice did I have? “You’re right.”

“See, use is flowing with my logic. If a lock is meant to be opened, why not open it. This is a value I live by.”

“It’s a core value. I can see that,” I said.

“For some reason, my pizza smells extra good tonight. I got to thanks Antonio. He used to work for Struzzerio’s until I told him not to work for Struzzerio.”

“You don’t like Struzzerio?” I asked while I tried to push Struzzerio’s deep dish deeper under the sofa.

“It goes way back. Maybe seven or eleven generations. I like Angelo. He’s okay. It’s his great, great, great grandfather I can’t stand.”

“Do you know his great, great, great grandfather?”

“No. I don’t have to know him to not like him. You see what I’m saying?”

I nod to move the conversation on and get to the pizza.

“Ray. I owes use a big, maybe huge, maybe gigantic favor. Use see where I’m going with this?”

“Un uh,” I said.

“Let’s look at use career. Use is going nowhere fast. This frog thing use is doing. . . .”

“Do you mean blog?” I asked.

“That’s what I said, frog. Now don’t uninterrupt my thoughting.”

I nod.

“I want to offers use a managerial position in a business not too many people knows about.”

“Is this Amway?” I said. Why I said this, I have no clue.

“I knows my way, if that’s what use is asking. But my managerial position has to do with procurement, delivery, and collections. Use don’t do any of the heavy lifting. One of the perks I offer is to have use house swept for bugs every hour. That way use don’t have bugs if use know I means. And, another big plus, is use get to have Lil Carlo as use assistant.”

Is he asking me what I think he is asking me, but I don’t want to put it in print in case an agency with three letters wants to talk to me. I’m feeling dizzy. I think I’m hyperventilating. Big Carmen whacks me on my back hard enough to knock my eyeballs into the next county.

“I sees use are overwhelmed at my generous offer, which I know use can’t refuse. I’m talking six, seven figures. Use own chauffeur, who carries. See where I’m going?”

Straight to the big house, I’m thinking.

La Flor is marrying into this family. The crazy thing is, I like Big Carmen even if I think he’s nuts.

I change the subject, “Let’s open the pizza. I’m starving.”

“I see use was going to watch Netflickers and seasons 3. Let me tells use how the cliffhanger works out.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to watch my Netflix series without a spoiler alert. And, I’m not managerial material.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He Has a Limited Attention Span

by

What do you say to a guy who’s head over heels in love with someone who doesn’t love him? What do you say to a guy who can leap tall buildings with a single bound, fly faster than the worlds fastest rocket, and will throw himself in front of a runaway bus for the woman he loves, but doesn’t love him?

I’m plucking petals from daisies. Now you understand my dilemma. He loves her. She doesn’t love him. He adores her. She uses him for window dressing. He’ll do anything for her. She’ll let him do anything for her. Now, I have to convince Little Carmen not to marry La Flor. What’s that? I created this mess and it’s up to me to sort it out? Unless you’ve dealt with

Now, I have to convince Little Carmen not to marry La Flor. What’s that? I created this mess and it’s up to me to sort it out? Unless you’ve dealt with alt ego personalities you have no clue how difficult it to reason with them.

I take a deep breath, visualize myself being successful until in my visualization I see Lil Carlo pointing a gun at me telling me to fix everything. I stop visualizing.

“Little Carmen, can I get you a beer? Glass of red wine (this is the cheap stuff I cook with)? Soda?” I said.

“No tanks, Ray-mo. But if use has a red popsicle that’d be good.”

A red popsicle? Isn’t that something four-year-olds want? I know there are no popsicles in my fridge, but I go and look anyway. I root around like I’m looking for the popsicles. I holler back, “I remember I ate the last one last night. Darn. Anything else?”

“How’s about a piece of the left over anchovy pizza?”

It’s three days old. But pizza doesn’t have a decomposition value. “Need it heated?” I ask.

“No tanks. I likes my little fishies cold. I just don’t want them swimming,” Little Carmen laughs at his humor. Humor? Did you laugh?

I said, “Good one.”

“What?”

I forgot about his limited attention span. I choose a choice piece, put it on a plate, grab a piece of paper towel for a napkin and bring it to Little Carmen.

“Tanks,” He nods. He takes the paper towel napkin and blows his nose on it. Crumples it and sticks it in his pocket. Should I say, ‘one and done?’ I think not.

I know I’m stalling. Little Carmen folds his pizza in half. I count, one … two … three bites and the large slice is gone. He pulls up the bottom of his t-shirt and wipes his mouth. He makes a fist and hits his stomach. The expected belch soon follows.

“Use know a true pizza factoid Ray-mo. It tastes better the next day and sometimes the day after the next day. Pretty deep, don’t cha tink?”

“Deep,” I answer.

“I only has ten minutes before I has to go to work at the pizzeria. Big Carmen’s short shifted tonight because my cousin Carl is busy.”

“Too busy to go to work?” I ask.

“Oh, he’s working for Big Carmen. Let’s put it this way, do use need a need smart TV at a considerable discount?”

“No thanks. My TV works fine.”

“How’s about use choice of sardines, any brand use want?”

“No thanks, I’m all set. What’s Carl do, exactly?”

“When he’s not mixing the dough, he works in procurement for Big Carmen. Use know what that word means?”

I don’t want to know anything else. I said, “It means he’s busy tonight. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”

“There’s bad news? I don’t like bad news and Big Carmen, he hates it worse than me. Know something else, Lil Carlo goes nuts when he hears bad news. I tinks it runs in the family tree.”

My situation reminds me of when I was in basic training. A sergeant came up to me, stood two inches away from. Our noses almost touching and he said (honestly, this is true and it is an exact quote), “Your ass is grass and I’m the lawn mower.” Right now, I’m the grass and it’s a toss up who’s the lawn mower, Big Carmen, Lil Carlo, or some cousin I haven’t met.

“Little Carmen, it’s this way…”, La Flor dashes in.

“To where?” asked Little Carmen., La Flor dashes in.

I’m about to speak when I hear . . .

“Not another word, Ray. I hope I’m not too late,” said La Flor dashing into the living room, her protege a half step behind. TT who’s smitten with the protege is a half step behind her.

“She looks at Little Carmen, “Let me see the diamond before I accept your proposal. It better be big, real, and really expensive or you find another girl.”

“I was going to give it to use tomorrow after cousin Carl does some procuring. It’s like Amazon, but better. I don’t have to wait two days to have it delivered. Use will see something so big, so expensive, so beautiful it will blind use girlfriends or cousin Carl goes for a swim.”

“Huh?” I said.

Big Carmen Wasn’t Kidding

by

Season 2, episode 8, the final show of the season on my favorite Netflix series. I’m three-fourths of the way through the episode. It’s a cliffhanger building to another cliffhanger when I hear . . .

The doorbell.

I am not going to answer it. I am going to finish my show. And, I hear …

The doorbell.

I pause my show. I take off of my shoes, stealthily walk to the door. I look through the security hole. A half foot away is a nose big enough to stick it into my business. The nose is the personal property of Big Carmen. He has his muscle, the diminutive seventy-one-year-old, Lil Carlo. There is no way I want to talk to these two guys. I want to see my show. There are twenty minutes left. I turn and tiptoe back to living room. I gently sit on my sofa. I give a warm smile to my hot air popcorn and can of diet soda. La Flor and Carmela and their chauffeur, Little Carmen, are off somewhere. I hope it’s out of the country.and I will not be disturbed, until I hear …

“We knows use is in there.”

How do they know I’m in here? La Flor made Little Carmen take my car. She didn’t want to be seen in a pizza delivery car, bad for the image. I think Big Carmen’s bluffing. I lie down on the sofa, pull a pillow over my head, and curl into a fetal position. I am really worried, this is a La Flor move. Is she writing my script? These thoughts are crashing through my mind when I hear . . .

“I’m a gonna counts to three or maybe four if eyes in a good mood (yes, he said eyes) then I’m a gonna have my muscle kick in you door.”

Lil Carlo, all one hundred seven pounds in going to kick in my door? No way. At least I thought it was no way until I hear …

“Lil Carlo is gonna use a grenade we got as a gift when we visited the armory when nobody was there. Use understand what I am trying to say?

I go back to the door. this time with my shoes on. I speak through the door. I said, “I only have twenty minutes left to season 2, episode 8 of …. ” When I hear …

“I already seem it (yes, he said seem). Use don’t has to finish it, because this is how it ends,” Big Carmen proceed to tell me the ending of the cliffhanger and the cliffhanger heading into season 3.

“Now let’s us in. Eyes has to talk to use about my boy. He needs use help, and this will be a big favor to Big Carmen if use deliver what I thinks use can deliver, which is better than how Little Carmen delivers because he ain’t such a good delivery man. Use follow?”

No, not really. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I keep the words bottled. No sense in feeding a tiger red meat.

I open the door. Big Carmen and Lil Carlo walk in. Big Carmen’s carrying a pizza. Lil Carlo is carrying a hand grenade. He wasn’t kidding.

We sit down. Big Carmen opens the pizza box. “This eye made special for use. It’s got thin crust, but chewy. It’s got fresh buffalo mozzarella, that means it’s made in Buffalo. it’s got fresh just picked from my neighbor’s yard, basil leaves. The sauce you can die for and might I say, Tomas did. And, I put on peppers, just enough calamata olives. And, I baked it to perfection. Normally, this pie costs fourteen seventy-five. But for you, it’s free. Now, here’s my favor I need.”

I’m praying it’s an easy one. Something I can do with my eyes closed. Until I hear …

“I want you to coach Little Carmen on how to proposal to the beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

I feel dizzy.

You Call This Mentoring?

by

La Flor and Carmela sit on the deck overlooking the large pool and tennis court at Big Carmen’s 6000 square foot home. Big Carmen can’t swim or play tennis, but the guy who donated the home to him did. A bottle of white wine is on the table between La Flor and Carmela. Their glasses partially filled.

“I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you as my mentor La Flor. I want to be just like you.”

“We’ll have to work on your makeup, clothes, voice, walk, diet, and attitude. In short, Carmela, you need a total makeover and your mentor is going to point the way,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen lays in a lounge chair off to the side. He perks up when he hears La Flor’s voice. La Flor’s voice. He called over, “Who’s mental? Use guys needs some help?”

La Flor glanced at him, then bent closer to Carmela, “Lesson one, sometimes you have to overlook certain weakness because he’s just so handsome.” Then she sat back and looked at Little Carmen, “We’re okay, play with your iPad.”

“I’m hear (that’s what he said) if use needs me.”

Carmela gets out of her seat, goes around the table and hugs La Flor. Tears are streaming down her face, “You are so kind, so generous, so everything good, and can I add so wise with men.”

“I know. I know. Now let go of me. I don’t want your mascara ending up on my shirt. I spent an hour getting my makeup right. I hope you didn’t smudge it with the hug. Ask permission next time before you hug me. I usually take hugs by appointment. Not on weekends or Tuesdays, they are my rest days,” said La Flor.

“I’m sorry,” said Carmela.

“Since it’s your first day being mentored, I’ll let it slide,” said La Flor.

“Can I hug you again, you are the kindest person I know,” said Carmela.

“No, it’s Tuesday. But, you can tell all your friends on social media how good I am to you. Pay attention to what I do now,” said La Flor.

“Should I take notes?” said Carmela.

“Good idea because I give pop quizzes.”

Carmela takes out her iPhone, presses the Notes app and waits for La Flor.

“LC. LC.”

“Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy mentor,” said Little Carmen.

“Nothing. I wanted to make sure you’re paying attention to cater to my every whim.”

“Like cheese on sauce, red on tomatoes, green on oregano, pepperoni on Camen’s Pizzeria Saturday night special for five ninety-one and free delivery.”

“Tomorrow we’ll kick it up a notch.”

“I can’t wait.”

 

It’ll Be An Oscar Performance

by

“How did you sleep last night,” I asked La Flor knowing her Carmen’s Pizzeria photo shoot took place today.

“I didn’t. I am so, so, so, excited. It’s my chance at the big time, Ray. The whole enchilada. It’s going to be the Super Bowl of photo shoots,” La Flor acting more like she drank a couple of Red Bulls.

“Did you drink a Red Bull last night?” I asked.

“No. I did not drink a Red Bull last night,” she answered.

“How many, give it up,” I said.

“I stopped counting at six. I had to stay awake to practice posing.”

“In front of the mirror?” I asked.

“No. I made LC and TT watch me. Every time I drank a Red Bull I made them drink one too,” she said.

“Where are they? They’re usually closer than your shadow. The Red Bulls didn’t bother TT’s caffeine intolerance,” I said.

“Minor problem. LC had to take TT to the ER.  For some unexplained reason he broke out in hives, and his pulse rate was over 200. Good thing LC watches reruns of ER so he knows what to do,” said La Flor.

“You made him drink Red Bull with his intolerance?”

“Not me, I asked LC to make him drink them. Not to worry. They pumped out his stomach. His color returned from a flaming red to a gorgeous deep pink. I’m changing the subject to something more important.”

“What’s more important than TT’s health?”

“My photo shoot, silly,” said La Flor. She added, “The boys will meet us at the pizzeria after the stomach pumping. LC is taking the photo’s and TT is going to hold up cards with my lines.”

“LC is taking the photo’s.”

“Everything is working out perfectly. He has the new iPhone. You know the special secret one that’s coming out in the fall.”

“Can LC take good photos? How did he get the new iPhone? Who’s writing the script for TT to hold?” My heads going around faster than a tilt-a-whirl.

“Are you on Instagram? Check out the photo’s LC posted of me? I have zillions of likes. Next question. Big Carmen has a friend who owes him a favor. This friend has a friend who owes him a favor. You keep going down the chain and Big Carmen delivers. I think that’s a good line for a commercial. What do you think?”

“I got to give it to you, La Flor. Big Carmen delivers is a great line. Now about the script.”

“I am so lucky, lucky, lucky everything turns out right for me. I told LC to write the script for the photo shoot while TT was having his stomach pumped out. LC has a way with words if you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed,” I said.

“How do you plan to dress for the photo shoot?”

“I discussed that with Big Carmen,” said La Flor.

“First of all, he wants me to be myself.”

“Beautiful, tough, and edgy?”

“That goes without saying. He suggested I show enough cleavage to get guys to watch the ad, but not enough to make the mom’s demand the channel be changed. I’m also going to wear a short, tight, black leather skirt, and stilettos. It’ll be an Oscar performance.”

“An Oscar for your role in an ad for Carmen’s Pizzeria?”

“Yes. But keep it secret. You know how rumors spread around the alt ego circus.”

“We’s home beautiful, tough, and edgy next Oscar winner.”

“TT, you look worse than a corpse. What happened?” said La Flor.

“TT’s lobotomy is in a slight delay. It’s like his plane is circling the airport and can’t land, if use know what I mean,” said Little Carmen.

A blank look crossed La Flor’s face.

I said, “Did they sedate him?”

“No. I did. I gave him a couple of knockout drops because he was too hyper. He’s slowly coming out of it.”

“I’m ready to shoot now. Will TT be ready? He looks like a zombie, which is worse than a corpse,” said La Flor.

“I got’s a solvent to the problem,” said Little Carmen.

“What?” said La Flor.

“Ray-mo can hold the cards. I printed big enough with Crayola crayons so’s use can read them,” said Little Carmen.

I answered, “I’ll do it until TT wakes up. Can I look at the cards?”

“No, use will spoils the sauce with some stuff use think is smarter, but which is not smarter when it comes to selling the sauce, if use knows what I means.”

Come back tomorrow for the photo shoot – I think. Maybe the day after. You know how it is with this gang.

 

 

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