Stand aside, forget targets, let the characters, your fingers, body, blood, and heart do. ~ Ray Bradbury
writer
Ray Bradbury’s Writing Wisdom #24
[The writer’s] greatest art will often be what he does not say, what he leaves out, his ability to state simply with clear emotion, the way he wants to go. ~ Ray Bradbury
Today’s Quote by Oscar Wilde
Everyone may not be good, but there’s always something good in everyone. Never judge anyone shortly because every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
Oscar Wilde
Today’s Quote by Charles Dickens on Happiness
Happiness is a gift and the trick is not to expect it, but to delight in it when it comes.
Quote ~ Paulo Coelho “Don’t Give Up”
Don’t give up. Normally it is the last key on the ring which opens the door.
Paulo Coelho
You Can’t Handle Da Tooth
Big Carmen and Lil Carlo sit on the sofa in my living room. Big Carmen has a bottle of beer in his right hand and slice of pepperoni pizza in his left. Lil Carlo’s has his gun resting on the coffee table. He has a blue plastic cup of house (not my house, Carmen’s) red wine in his left hand, and a slice of the pepperoni pizza in his right.
“When’s the beautiful, tough, and edgy one gonna read her scripto?” ask Big Carmen. Before I answered, he added, “How come use is not eating a slice of my pie?”
When am I going to learn. Think first, speak second. Not today. I said, “Pepperoni is not good for you. It has nitrates. It has fats. It has other stuff, which will mess with your veins.”
“You tink so? I don’t. It’s the foundation for any good pizza. The secret is in the grease drippings. Sees, it’s the grease drippings that acts like Roto Rooter and cleans use colon. They sticks to the bad stuff. Let me asks use, how clean is use colon?”
Did Big Carmen move into the colon cleansing business? I don’t want to go there. Do you know anyone who checks the cleanliness of their colon? I hate my annual physical, know what I mean? I haven’t met a single person who wants to talk about how the cleanliness of their colon. Big Carmen and Lil Carlo are staring at me. Lil Carlo places his blue plastic cup next to his gun. His right hand rests on the gun with the kind of affection a mother gives to a baby. I wondered if it was possible to nurse a gun.
Saved.
The door to La Flor’s bedroom swings open, bangs against the wall. I’ll have to call the handyman to fix the dent in the wall where the door nob hit.
“Every body and I means all the bodies within my speaking vocals, the beautiful, tough, and edgy famous model will makes her day beaut entrance with me of course.”
La Flor, wearing what I’d call – no, I’m not going to call it anything. I’m not going to try to describe it. She’s being carried out by a bare chested black bear who is barefooted and wearing, I am grateful, a men’s bathing suit. La Flor’s left arm is draped around Little Carmen’s neck, her right hand carrying her script. The paper offers as much cover as the cloth. Little Carmen cradles his precious cargo.
Big Carmen and Lil Carlo stand and start applauding. Applauding? What are they applauding? Big Carmen gives me a look, I stand and applaud. The queen, AKA La Flor blows Big Carmen a kiss. I thought he was going to collapse back onto the sofa.
The audience takes their seats on the sofa. Little Carmen carries La Flor to the TV and stops and pivots so they face the three of us.
“How do you like it so far?” said La Flor.
“Use knocked all my socks off and I wears about four pair,” said Big Carmen.
“Use knocked all my boxers off and I wears six pair,” said Lil Carlo.
Lil Carlo wears boxers? I didn’t know they sold boxers in the kid’s clothing section. I keep quiet.
“What about you, Ray.” La Flor won’t let me keep quiet. Four sets of eyes stare at me.
“Uh, ah, um. I’m speechless. You knocked all my words out of me,” again I am pleased with my brilliant mind. My ability to turn tragedy in triumph.
“You can’t handle my sexuality. Can you, Ray?” said La Flor.
“Yes, I can,” I countered weakly.
“You can’t handle da tooth,” said Little Carmen. “Did I get it right, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”
“Close enough.”
La Flor said, “I’m tired. My perfect entrance took it all out of me. Can I read the script tomorrow you handsome man?”
“Any ting for use. Use beautiful, tough, and edgy one,” said Big Carmen.
“Can I come wit use?” Asked Lil Carlo to Big Carmen.
“Sure ting.”
Everyone Loves Me
La Flor and I sit at the table. I’m sipping my coffee, a piece of multigrain toast smothered in peanut butter and raw honey sits in a dish in front of me. A bowl of blueberries off to the side. The temperature in the room is a pleasant 75. Yet, I feel as if I’m back in the freezer.
“Are you going to speak?” I asked La Flor.
“No. No. No. I am never going to speak to you again and this doesn’t count for speaking,” she said.
“Yes it does,” I said.
“No. It was a commercial. And, furthermore you blew a great career opportunity for the both of us.”
“How so?” I asked.
La Flor doesn’t realize she’s talking to me for the first time in five days. “That second rate, oily skinned, horrible hairstyle, who has no class now has my job as the image for Carmen’s Pizzeria. Truth be told, and I will tell the truth, it’s all silicon and collagen. And, a little liposuction from the hips. You think those lips are the same one’s she was born with? Let me tell you about her ….”
“Stop right there, La Flor. Are you talking about Carmela?”
“The itch, I won’t use the B word, stole my job. I am going to trash, trash, trash her.”
“Why don’t you celebrate her success? I’m happy TT is the new manager.”
“That’s because you have no ambition.”
“Do you want half of my toast?”
“No. I’m on a starvation diet.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’m restricting myself to smoothies and wine and ghuda cheese.”
I hear the door slam, not a moment too soon. Little Carmen comes into the dining room.
“How’s the beautiful, tough, and edgy soon to be model of the world’s most expensive jewelry.”
La Flor cocked her head toward Little Carmen, “Say what?”
“I was talking to Big Carmen and telling him how’s it wasn’t fair that use is not the image for the pizzeria. He’s sorry he did it because his sales has gone down the toilet.”
“I knew it. I knew it. Everyone loves me.”
“Of course. But he had to do it to keeps peace in the big family seeing Carmela is the Whale’s granddaughter and Big Carmen is her godfather.”
“What’s this thing about being a model?” asked La Flor.
“It’s a deal, ifs use wants it. Joe Tomalina, he’s an importer and exporter of certain things. Namely, in this case diamonds is one of his imports. And, cars left for more three hours on the street are what he exports. Well. La Roche Exquisite Jewels needs the importer to procure diamonds. But upon Big Carmen talking to Joe who happens to be a cousin of Big Carmen, Joe tells the roach he got to have you as the new image. TV, Cable, all the big mags. Use got the best deal possible. There’s only one hitch.”
“What and it better not be a deal breaker,” said La Flor.
No, no deal breaker. You still got to be the eye candy for Pepper, Whale and the 5th. They want to watch you do the shoot.”
La Flor bounded out of her chair, threw her arms around Little Carmen’s neck and began to kiss him. For my part, I took my coffee, toast, and fruit to the patio. I’m not one to interfere with love.
They Can’t Make Me Wait
At first, I started this blog, alone. Then I had the idea to create an alt ego, La Flor. She’d be someone to bounce ideas off, stimulate thinking, and enter into intelligent conversations. Wrong. Wrong. And, wrong. I had another great idea, get La Flor a boyfriend. Enter Little Carmen, now there are three of us. Little Carmen stays until La Flor kicks him out, and then he returns when he grovels to La Flor. There are three of us until Thompson Thomas, Dr. Phil’s alt ego. He’s now TT because two last names as names are confusing.
The four of us are waiting to be seated at a popular San Antonio Mexican restaurant.
“Ray, use your pull, I don’t like to be kept waiting,” said La Flor, speaking while reading texts, viewing Instagram, checking out her Facebook page, and deleting photos on her smartphone that are not of her.
“I don’t have pull or push here,” I said thinking I made a clever joke. No one laughed.
La Flor glanced up from her smartphone, “Then let’s leave. We’ll teach them a lesson they can’t make me wait.” She turned to Little Carmen and TT and added, “Do you agree, LC and TT?” she expected the rapidly submissive and boot licking, ‘Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy response.’
TT watched Little Carmen for his cue. LC looked at TT for his cue because he wasn’t listening to La Flor he was staring at the hot alt ego woman at the bar who was drinking a margarita and munching on chips. He had a headache from the continued placement of his eyes in the corners of his eye sockets.
“Well, LC,” La Flor demanded.
Little Carmen who, played cards with a deck of fifty-one. He was always a couple of bagels short of a dozen. And, he lit up like a twenty-watt bulb when a hundred watt bulb was needed. He said, “I thinks we gots to stay because the margaritas are hot.”
La Flor turned toward Little Carmen, giving him a full frontal. “Look at me, LC.”
“I am beautiful, tough, and edgy,” said Little Carmen whose face lined up with La Flor’s face with one exception. His eyes were still stuck in the corners of his eye sockets.
“Eye contact or you’ll be singing in the choir with TT,” said La Flor.
Little Carmen’s eyes shot to the front faster than the speed of light. “Is this better?”
“Those are not real,” said La Flor.
Little Carmen had a confused look on his face, “My eyes? Honest, they’re the only ones I have,” he said sincerely, yet one of the worst male moves I’ve ever seen.
I needed to change the subject because it was getting ugly, fast. “I checked, we’re next.”
“Please change our table preference to three,” said La Flor.
“Where’s TT gonna sit,” said Little Carmen.
“Right between Ray and me,” La Flor said.
I whispered to TT, “You got to think about buying a cup. It will be for your own good.”
TT turned his head to me, “From Starbucks?” he asked.
Where do these alt egos come from? Who is creating them? Why are they attracted to my blog? Vexing questions.
If La Flor hadn’t grabbed hold of TT’s arm, he may have fallen to the floor. I was certain he passed out. But, I was wrong, he was doing a poor job of faking he passed out because he kept peeking through narrow slits in his eyelids.
TT who never dated a hot woman, or a woman who was not hot, said, “He can sit on my lap if that helps us all solve the problem.”
TT will quickly learn he can’t please two masters.
Little Carmen pleading nolo contendere said, “I knows whats I was doing, but I wasn’t doing it. May eyes explain (yes, that is the way he said I’s, which baffles me either way).
“You have two strikes LC. Do you know what the third strike means? It’s the death penalty.”
“Not the death penalty. Please, please, please beautiful, tough, and edgy, not the depth penalty (yes, he said depth instead of death). I’ll do anything use wants me to do.”
“I’ll make a list, it starts with a foot massage tonight,” said La Flor.
Out of curiosity, I interjected, “Death penalty, can I have a bit of clarification?” I asked. I glanced at TT who was still jumping around. I pointed to a sign that read “El Bano.” He shrugged. The boy needs to pick up a few Spanish words around here.
“Oh, Ray. You are so knave (I think she meant to say naïve, but then again?).”
“How so?” I asked.
“I will take LC off speed dial. He’ll get lumped with you and everyone else.”
“I’m not on speed dial?” I asked incredulously.
“You were on speed dial, but you got bumped by TT.”
“TT?”
“You don’t suck up to me like TT does, Ray. That’s your problem. TT is really good at sucking up. Right, TT.”
“Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy,” he squeaked while dancing on one foot.
I thought he hit high C.
He’s The Perfect Accessory
I’m acting like a child. I am embarrassed. I am hiding in the closet. It’s the only place where I can find peace and quiet. There are no windows, but I have photos of the Grand Canyon, Padre Island, and the Rocky Mountain National Park scotched taped to the back of the door. Next to me is my Keurig Coffee Maker. My cup of coffee, fresh, hot, and all mine, until . . .
“Ray, I know you’re in there,” said La Flor*.
“No, I’m not,” I said in a falsetto voice and realized the mistake I made by saying, ‘No, I’m not.’ Hopefully, she won’t pick up on it.
“I know it’s you. I can smell my coffee,” said La Flor
“How do you know? Your coffee?” I’ve truly lost it. I’m hiding from an alt ego and her boyfriend. I’m using a falsetto voice as a disguise. And, now, I’m debating whether I’m in here or not. Where’s Dr. Phil when you need him. That’s right, according to La Flor, he’s an alt ego.
“Either come out, Ray or LC will break down the door and drag you out. It’s for your own good,” said La Flor.
“My own good is to stay inside here until you two, too, or to go out for chicken wings,” I said.
“Do you have a stuttering problem? Asked La Flor.
“No.”
“It sounded like you stuttered when you said to, two, or too,” said La Flor.
“You’re not going to let me alone until I come out, am I correct?” a moment of silence. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want Little Carmen to kick down the door. I said, “What?”
“I nodded my head, Ray. What are you waiting for?” said La Flor.
I can’t answer. There is no logical response to seeing a head nod while behind the door. If I had a white flag, I’d wave it. I opened the door, coffee in hand, and stepped out.
La Flor reached for the cup, took it from me, and sipped, “This is good. I needed a good cup of coffee. Thanks, Ray.”
Will I ever get to drink a cup of coffee? I wonder what the Vegas odds are on that one.
Little Carmen, who occasionally can read my mind and little else, said, “About 75 to 1.”
La Flor looked at him, “Is it football season already?”
“No, beautiful, tough, and edgy sometimes a thought comes into my head.”“I like it better when you’re thoughtless.”
“I like it better when you’re thoughtless.” said La Flor.
“Me two,” said Little Carmen (it’s really not that hard to use too instead of two. Why can’t he get it?).
“We need too talk, Ray,” said La Flor (Okay, La Flor is using too instead of to – did they both miss it in alt ego grade school?).
“You’re always saying we need to talk,” I replied.
“No, I’m not. Sometimes I’m saying where are we going tonight. Sometimes I’m saying LC I need a glass of wine.”
Little Carmen interrupted La Flor before she could give another example, “I’m on it. White vino, which rhymes with dino, beautiful, tough, and edgy woman who needs to speak to Ray about whatever.”
“Yes, LC, not in a Styrofoam cup this time,” said La Flor.
“That’s the way Big Carmen serves it,” said LC.
I want to go back into the closet. No, I want to climb on the roof and signal passing planes to send help.
“I don’t care if he serves it in a Starbucks venti cup, I want it in a fancy wine glass.”
“Use gonna get more if I goes and gets a Starbucks venti cup,” said Little Carmen. The expression on his face looked like he was pleased with himself.
If she sends Little Carmen to Starbucks as she did yesterday, I wondered if the paramedics will bring him back.
La Flor turned to me and said, “Ray, it’s time for an intervention.”
I said, “Please don’t watch Dr. Phil or talk to the alt ego who plays Dr. Phil.”
Then Little Carmen joined the conversation, “I can helps you, beautiful, tough, and edgy wonderful woman. I am very goods at interventions. I intervented a square pizza cutter.”
“You intervented a square pizza cutter? How does it work?” I asked.
“Use uses it for square pizza. The round pizza cutter is for the round pizza. Nobody thoughts of that before me. That’s not alls I intervented, Ray-mo,” said Little Carmen.
“Why? Ray. Why?” said La Flor.
“I’m asking myself the same question,” I said.
Little Carmen is warming up for what, I don’t have a clue. Certainly, Seinfeld isn’t coming on next. He said, “I intervented a menu use can reads upside down.”
“How so?” I asked.
“Use asks the customer if they wants the regular menu or the upside down menu. If they asks for the upside down menu, I gives them the regular menu and tells them it’s upside down.”
“Little Carmen, good idea about the Starbucks venti cups. Can you get two of them?” I asked.
“I’ll have to buy coffee first, then dump it out. Is that okay?”
As soon as he left, I turned to La Flor, “Why don’t you hold an auction for him with the alt ego girls?”
She glared at me, “And let go two-hundred five pounds of male hunkiness go? Never.”
“I don’t think you love him,” I said.
“I’m not talking love. I’m talking accessory,” La Flor responded.
“Accessory?” I asked.
“He goes perfect with whatever I’m wearing,” said La Flor smiling. She’s staring out the window watching Little Carmen jog to Starbucks.
“Ray, Ray, I just had a horrible thought,” she shrieked.
“Take it easy. I’m here for you,” I said. I immediately regretted using that line and hoped she wasn’t listening to me.
“I know you’re here. It’s LC. You sent him alone, without a guardian to Starbucks. He’s probably fighting the women off. He’ll come back disfigured. He’s doing this all for me.”
“You’re the lucky one.”
“I won’t be if they maim him. I can see it now, he’ll be outside Carmen’s Pizzeria selling slices with his left hand because they cut off his right hand for a souvenir.”
“You’re not making sense, La Flor.”
“I always make sense. Go save him.”
“Can I call the paras?”
