comedy

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

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“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.'”

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I started a band called 999 Megabytes

We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

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“Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He won’t expect it back.”

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What did one plate say to his friend?

Tonight, dinner’s on me!

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

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Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.

“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“

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What are a shark’s two most favorite words?

Man overboard!

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Dentist: “You need a crown.

Patient: “Finally someone who understands me.

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