laugh out loud

Joe: “I told my boss, what happened wasn’t my fault.”

Pete: “What did your boss say?”

Joe: “My boss said, “I know. I’m just blaming you.”

Joe: “I get so much exercise at work I cancelled my gym membership.”

Pete: “What do you do?”

Joe: “I jump to conclusions, push my luck, and dodge deadlines.”

Joe: “I interviewed for a sales job and during the interview the boss said, “You’re missing pages two and three of your resume.””

Pete: “That’s too bad, Joe. What did  you say?”

Joe: “I said, ‘Page two will cost you $20 and page three will cost your $30.” The boss said, ‘You’re hired.'”

Joe: “I lost my dog today. I’m heartbroken.”

Pete: “That’s too bad, Joe. Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?”

Joe: “Why, my dog can’t read?”

Source

Joe: “My girlfriend and I were drinking wine when she said, ‘I love you so much. I can’t live without you.”

Pete: “That is so sweet, what did you say?”

Joe: “I said, ‘Is that you talking or is it the wine.’ She said, ‘It’s me talking to the wine.'”

Joe: “My dog is highly intelligent. He can compute math problems.”

Pete: “Really? This is amazing.”

Joe: “Yah. Just this morning I asked him what nine from nine was and he said nothing.”

Joe: “The pandemic has turned me into a dog.”

Pete: “How so, Joe?”

Joe: “I roam about the house all day looking for food. People tell me “no” if I get too close to them. And I get really excited about car rides.”

Source

Joe: “I am really proud of myself. I’ve stuck to a commitment for two weeks.”

Pete: “Congratulations, Joe. What are you doing?”

Joe: “I gave up dieting and haven’t gone back.”

Joe: “I asked my personal trainer what machine I should use to impress my twenty year old girlfriend.”

Pete: “What did your personal trainer suggest?”

Joe: “He said if I want to impress my girlfriend I should use the ATM.”