Month: September 2017

Do I Hear an Amen?

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The following is a part of a series, sometimes serialized, sometimes spontaneous. It’s all farce. The characters are all fictitious and fun to be around. ENJOY

Amazing. A sense of euphoria! I’m shocked! Stunned silence! What happened? I’ll let La Flor tell you.

“It was simply awesome. Who makes people saints? I got to talk to her because Big Carmen has to be made a saint,” said La Flor.

“I think you have to be dead to be saint,” I said.

“That’s all wrong, Ray. Big Carmen took all the money from this weeks collections and we flew down to Houston, then to Tampa and he donated it. Every cent. He’s not even going to declare it on his income tax. Did you see LC helping distribute the pizzas we took down from Carmen’s Pizzeria? He was doing the work of seven men and four women. You know I said four women, because a woman does almost twice the work of a man and gets twice less pay. Let me hear it girls! Do I hear an Amen?”

“Why?” I asked.

“Of course your prejudice. After all he collects from the rich and gives to the needy. That’s the way it should be.”

“It may not be quite legal,” I said.

Doesn’t matter. Big Carmen inspired me. I know what I want to do with the rest of my life.”

“You do?”

“Yes! I am going to be doctor. I am going into family practice. I’ll be great. No, I’ll be awesome. I may get my own TV show.”

“It takes years of study, La Flor. You can’t be a doctor without going to medical school.”

“Says who? I know already everything I need to know and what I don’t know, I’ll have LC Google it. Think about it, Ray. I work a couple hours in the morning, have LC do the rest. I make lots of money. And, I become famous.”

“Sound like you’re going into medicine for all the right reasons,” I said.

“I seeing my first patient tomorrow,” said La Flor.

“You’re not a doctor,” I said.

“I beg to differ. I have proof,” La Flor reached into her handbag and pulled out a freshly printed business card.

Dr. La Flor

Specializing in Family Practice and Whatever Else Ails you.

“This will work!” I have to check the alcohol content of the wine she’s drinking. Then I said, “Who’s your first patient?”

“I’m giving Lil Carlo his annual physical. It’s an organization requirement. Big Carmen said I could be the family’s doctor,” La Flor said cocking her hair toward the front door.

The earth moved slightly, the a second tremor was felt from the 6.2 earthquake. Then from the hall, “Use got to do someting about the whole (yes, he said whole instead of hole) in the wall. Can I bee (yes he said bee instead of be) the second patient for an annual physique,” hollered LC.

“Come in here you physical specimen. Catch me,” said La Flor. One, two, three steps legs locked around LC’s hips, arms around his neck, and lips connecting. Maybe this could be an Olympic sport. I’ve got to think about the Alt Ego Olympics.

They untangled five minutes later. La Flor, grabbed hold of LC’s arm. “Ray, check out my nurse practitioner.”

“Huh?”

Come by tomorrow for Lil Carlo’s annual physical.

 

Are You Ready For Your Moment?

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Are you ready for YOUR MOMENT? No one knows when it will happen. Or, if it will ever happen. Are your READY if and when it happens? It’s takes a heap of faith, a big dream, and a heart filled with hope knowing that if you keep on working, keep on studying, keep on improving you’ll be READY. Don’t let your moment pass by. Be ready to grab hold of it with a grip so tight nothing will shake you loose. Enjoy this YouTube video where a young singer was ready for his moment when called to the stage by Josh Groban.

An Offer I Can’t Refuse?

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“Ray, I gotta to make use an offers use can’t refuse. Use and use garage gonna come with me and we gonna fly outa town in my friend’s private jet.”

Did he mean to say entourage instead of garage? My entourage? La Flor and LC? Really? Is this a plot so Big Carmen can toss me out at 30,000 feet. I don’t want to jump even with a parachute. Can I get a friend to write a note for me and sign my mother’s name telling Big Carmen I’m sick and can’t make it?

Instead, I say, “I don’t know, Big Carmen. I’ve had plans for weeks for today. So many people will be disappointed.”

Big Carmen scratches his head, pulls on his ear lobe and scratches and adjust a place better left to your imagination. Think baseball player.

Before either of us can speak. We hear, “Well, how do I look?”

Of course, who else but La Flor. Big Carmen hustles over to La Flor, his arms spread wide for a hug. La Flor holds up her hand, “No can do, Big Carmen. LC hasn’t seen me. He’ll be here any minute with the wheels to take us to the airport.”

“Scuse me, beautiful, tough, and edgy dish that looks more tasteful than my pasta special with meatballs tonight for $4.99,” drooled Big Carmen.

What do I say to top Big Carmen? La Flor looks better than a mocha frappucinno with extra whipped cream and caramel sauce? I don’t think so. So, I say, “Tickets to a Broadway show? You look great.”

La Flor gives me a La Flor look. It’s like a cat that looks at a mouse and without moving a step, swipes her paw and sends it crashing into the wall. She said, “Is that the best you can do? You didn’t notice my hair? Mention how I make the clothes look better. Or, say anything about my sparkling eyes, warm lips, or exquisite figure. My full red lips? You need to be more like Big Carmen.” She walks over and gives Big Carmen a kiss on his cheek leaving a perfect image of her kiss.

“I’m not going wash my cheek, ev ah,” said Big Carmen.

A rifle shot. I jump. A small explosion. I jump again. “I’m home,” yelled LC.

My poor wall. My poor door. My handyman bill.

LC comes in, says, “Big Carmen, I couldn’t rent the limo from Starza. He’s all out. But he sent me to the competition.”

“How much it cost use?” said Big Carmen.

“Nothing. When I got to Limo’s Unlimited. There was a limo all gassed up and ready to go. The driver must have gone in to take a leak or something other that I don’t want to say because Ray-mo is always telling me it’s a family blog. Anyway, I say in a normal voice like I’m talking to use right now, ‘Anybody mind if I takes this limo free of charge?'”

“Anybody say no?” asked Big Carmen.

“Not a word. That means I got legal permission to take it as long as I want it. But I only want it long enough to take us to the airport. Lil Carlo is over there and he’ll take it back or dump it in the river. Whichever is closer.”

“Use got a good head on use shoulders, LC,” said Big Carmen beaming with pride.

“Well, LC? Am I invisible?” La Flor’s words melt a solid quart of ice cream into a gooey mess.

“Oh, oh!” said LC. “I am so sorry. I was excited about the limo. Can use forgive me sweet, kind, compassionate, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

“Are you going to surprise me with an expensive present?” said La Flor.

“My two minds are already working on it,” Maybe’s I’m going to get use three presents.

“Okay, you’re forgiven. Now, come over here so I can kiss you,” said La Flor.

“We gots a problemo, beautiful, tough, and edgy dream.”

“I love it when you talk Spanish, LC. Kiss me!”

“I needs use kiss like I needs oxygen and beer, but we gots to go before somebody mistakenly calls the coppers about the limo,” said Big Carmen.

“Huh?”

Good People Surround Us

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Good people surround us. Our world is filled with love. Love will win. It always does in the end. In the following YouTube video, you will feel the love a capacity crowd felt for a man with a disability singing the U.S. national anthem. Once you feel it, your faith in your brothers and sisters will be renewed.

Lesson For Life

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Wondering when your turn will come? Wondering if someone will ever recognize your talent? John Legend, the famous pianist and singer gives us a two-minute lesson on hard work, commitment, and persistence. Don’t quit on your dreams. Don’t give up when it seems all you’re doing is running in place. Keep working, keep learning, keep dreaming. It is only impossible when we quit. Enjoy John Legend’s short, but powerful lesson.

 

How Much Did I Win?

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“I’m here,” screams LC.

I already know he’s here. I heard the door slam against the wall. I heard a lamp fall over from the vibration.

I hear LC say, “Dare’s somethin wrong wits use door. One of the knobs is stuck in the wall. I felt my BP go into a steep rise. I’m already wondering if I should brick in the wall behind the door. Maybe a solid stainless steel sheet. A wall made of bulletproof vests. I have all kinds of options.

Then LC hollers as if he is at the top of Pike’s Peak and wants to see how far his voice will carry, “Use won. Use won beautiful, tough, edgy who knows how to play the numbers.”

What’s LC talking about, the numbers? No way, La Flor is gambling with Big Carmen and his associates. I loosely call them associates because that’s what Big Carmen calls them. I don’t want to make the mistake of saying made men, killers, knee busters, and fill in the blank.

La Flor runs in off the deck, slamming the door agains the wall, a vase falls over, water over the floor. Flowers desperately trying to sip the last bit of water into their system. Good thing, it was a plastic vase. Slamming the door is contagious. I wonder if I’m vulnerable.

Bikini, sun tan lotion and all, La Flor throws her five foot two inches, size zero four feet into LC’s waiting arms and kisses him. “You bring me glad tidings, LC?”

What is she doing, trying out for Shakespeare in the Park?

LC answers, “I bringith thee a high tide of tidings. My beautiful, tough, and edgy lady.”

“Are you two practicing for Shakespeare in the Park?”

She pulls back, wraps her legs around LC’s waist and says, “Yes, now be quiet, Ray. LC, how much did I win?”

“Big Carmen says use won nine hundred, seventy one dollars. All of its tax free. So don’t report none of it because he will deny he ever paid it. If use knows what I means.”

La flor let go of LC’s neck, slid down his body until her feet landed on the tile. She stepped back and stuck out her hand.

“Hold on. LC are you a bookie? What’s going on? Why didn’t hear about it?”

“What chu talkin bout, Ray-mo. I don’t got no books. What makes use think I’m a bookie? Do I looks like I belongs in library?” said LC.

“Don’t play coy, LC. You know what I mean. Do you take bets for Big Carmen?” I said.

“I likes to play craps, maybe poker, but I never plays coy. Is it a card game?” said LC earnestly. Use got to excuse me, I got business to attend to. LC reaches into his pocket and begins counting off one-hundred dollar bills, “One hundred, two hundred.” You get the drift.

Before La Flor can run away, I said, “You’re involved in illegal gambling. It’s not right. What did you gamble on?”

La Flor said, “What’s the temperature in San Antonio?”

I checked, “91 degrees.”

“What’s the temperature in Chicago?” she asked.

I checked, “68 degrees.”

“What’s the temperature in Phoenix?” asked La Flor.

I checked, “It’s 99 degrees.”

“The way one of the games works, Ray. You choose six numbers based on the temperature at 4 p.m. in three U.S. cities, one from the south, one from the north, and one from the west. I hit all six numbers and I only played a dollar. I have my eye on a new pair of shoes.”

“It’s illegal,” I said.

“May I remind you, your grandmother ran numbers.”

“But she was a single mom with eleven children. Cut her some slack.”

“She was doing a community service and so is Big Carmen.”

LC interrupted. “If I may. I get use drift. Use think I am collecting bets for Big Carmen. That is the furtherest thing from the furtherest thing. Big Carmen never, no how, no way does anything illegal or legal. It works like magic. Like La Flor wrote some numbers on a piece of paper with her name. She rolled it up and accidentally pressed it into Big Carmen’s hand when they hugged. Now I asks use, is that betting? I say not.”

What did LC just say? I got lost after he said, ‘If I may.’

La Flor ignored me. She said, “Big Carmen’s running a different game next week. It will be the final number of points the Cowboys, Bears, Seahawks, and Giants score in the weekend games. If you get all the numbers it’s 10,000; five, it’s a thousand; and, if you get four it’s 100. You want in? Or, are you too cheap?”

“I am not cheap.”

“Then bet a dollar.”

“No.”

“Cheap,”

“Not.”

“Cheap, cheap, cheap.”

It went on like this for four blog pages, but I deleted them so you’d have time to figure out your numbers and contact Big Carmen.

 

 

Joy Is Contagious

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Joy is contagious. Are you a carrier? All it takes to bring joy is sharing your wonderful gift. Your magical gift, given freely to others to experience and the only reward is to see the joy on the face or faces of those you touched. I smiled throughout this YouTube video. I caught the contagious spreading of joy. I hope you will have a similar experience. Ray

 

I Don’t Want To Go To A Sport’s Bar

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“Ray, don’t be a stuck in the mud. Turn off your iPad and cut loose with LC and me. We’re going to Big Carmen’s sports bar. There’s some kind of big game, ” said La Flor dressed in a way to short circuit the male brain.

“I don’t want to go to a sports bar. Big Carmen owns a sports bar? I thought he only owned a pizzeria,” I said while moving my fingers on my iPad.

LC (note: I’m tired of writing Little Carmen every time I speak. I’m getting carpel tunnel in my fingers) grabbed hold of my iPad. “Let go Ray-mo, it’s for use own good. Use can watch the big game.”

“No, I need my my iPad. How will I find out what’s happening? How will be able to check Yelp? How will I see if I’m getting retweeted? What big game?”

LC gives a yank, nearly pulls off the sofa, “If use excuses me, use can have use iPad back when the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman I adore says use can. As for the udder (yes, he said udder, not other) questions, the pizzeria is only a front. Don’t remember I said that. Big Carmen gets touchy about such stuff. As for the big game, I tinks it’s a soccer match between two clubs nobody ever heard about.”

“A front for what?” I asked.

“What am I am gonna tell him beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

They whisper. They look at each other. They whisper again. They look at each other. They whisper some more. La Flor said, “LC is ready to tell you. LC get really, really close to me.”

“Okay.”

La Flor whispers in LC’s ear. LC says, “I means to say it is an affront.”

La Flor whispers again into LC’s ear, “To tinks that it is a front for anything other than which it is, which is namely a pizzeria.”

“Good boy,” La Flor pats LC on the back of his head. I’m waiting for her to scratch his belly and see LC’s foot jumping.

“So, you going or are you going to stay home and watch reruns? asked La Flor.

“Okay, I’ll go. Do I have to get dressed up for this place? What’s it called?” I tossed two questions. Maybe I confused the issue.

“I suggest getting out of your scrubby, dirty, so old they get a senior’s discount Nike’s, rumbled workout shirt, and the excuse for jeans you’re wearing and think Sport’s Bar.”

“I am thinking sports bar. I think I’d fit right in.”

“We’ve got so much work to do with him LC.”

“Yah, beautiful, tough, and edgy one, and so little time to do it. Especially if we is leaving in fifteen minutes,” said LC.

“You’re both wearing jeans,” I said.

“I’m poured into mine. LC’s are the straight leg, macho paints. His muscular waist and can I say six pack, accentuates his broad shoulders. Notices his form fitting casual shirt. I am going to show LC off and if anyone tries to sidle up to him, Lil Carlo promised he’d help out.”

“Lil Carlo?”

“Yah, Ray-mo. He’s the muscle tonight,” said LC.

“I’ll be back in a minute. One minute later, “How do I look?”

“Seriously?” said La Flor.

“Can you be kind?” I said.

“You’ve got no worries, you’ll be coming home with us.”

“Huh?”

Our Words Are Powerful

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Our WORDS have an incredible power. They have the power to tear down or lift up. They have the power to depress or inspire. They have the power to change the course of events. They have the power to transform tragedy into triumph. We all enjoy an immense power and have a responsibility to use it wisely. Use it to build, to encourage, to inspire, and to bring joy. When we do, we will have made a lasting difference. The following YouTube video demonstrates the power of WORDS.

 

That’s The Rule

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“Ray, am I right when I say there is a house rule where we can express ourselves without fear?” the snarky remark coming from La Flor.

Oh, oh. My mind races back 24 hours. There was La Flor’s incident with her mystery writer blog friend. They were wearing the same outfit. I got blamed. There was the incident with Little Carmen when he brought her the wrong Starbucks drink. I got blamed. There was the incident where Carmela and TT got a line more attention than she and Little Carmen did. I got blamed.

I decide to jump in the deep end, “That’s the rule.”

It’s not good when her arms go akimbo and she cocks her head to the left, and gestures with her right index finger. It looks like I hit the trifecta.

Her forefinger can within inches from my nose. No nose jokes please. La Flor said, “Yesterday. Yesterday. Yesterday.”

I replied, “Yes, yesterday was yesterday. Where are you going with yesterday? Do you realize it’s today and tomorrow is tomorrow.”

“I am so grateful LC is not like you. He’s sensitive. He’s smart. And, he’s secure in his own skin. Unlike some people I know whose name begins with R and means rat.”

I hold up my hand, “We have another rule, no insults, disparaging remarks.”

La Flor holds up her hand, “We have another rule to always tell the truth.”

I hold up my hand, “We have another rule, it has to be the truth and not an opinion.”

La Flor holds up her hand, “We have another rule, if the opinion is the truth then it’s okay to state an opinion.”

I hold up my hand, “We have another rule, “If the truth is going to hurt, try to say it in a way that is compassionate and kind.”

La Flor holds up her hand, “We have another rule, “If it hurts, suck it up and deal with it.”

“That’s not our rule,” I said.

“Yes, it is. LC and I voted on it this morning,” said La Flor.

“I wasn’t present for the vote.”

“You don’t have to be present if there is a quorum.”

“Were TT and Carmela present?”

“No, but I made them give me their proxies.”

“You made them?”

“Yes. I gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Big Carmen and Lil Carlo.”

“They’re sweet.”

“What’s the issue you wanted to talk about?”

“What issue?”

Another stimulating conversation with La Flor that leaves me talking to myself.

 

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