Jokes
Today’s Smile 😀
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Today’s Smile 😀
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Today’s Smile 😃
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, “I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.”
Today’s Smile 😀
Laugh a Little
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Today’s Smile 😃
Laugh a Little
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Joey & Sunny – It’s Destiny
10.
Joey stands up and hollers, “You want to see Punkin again, give me my t-shirt.”
Detective Milson says, “Sit down, Handsome.”
The squad room bursts into laughter.
“Ma’am, you got to watch out, she’s like a rattlesnake she strikes so quickly,” says Joey sitting down and ducking behind detective Milson’s desk.
From the other end of the squad room, “I used to think you loved me, but all that changed when you kidnapped Punkin.”
Joey doesn’t like the sound of being called a kidnapper, not when there are twenty cops nearby, “He says, I didn’t kidnap Punkin. Punkin asked me to take him because he was lonesome. Why didn’t you tell me you was thinking that maybe you loved me before you threw me out?”
“That’s because you slept with Eileen and she was my best friend. But she’s not my best friend no more so it doesn’t matter that you slept with her. I didn’t know Punkin was lonesome. I feel like crying. Are you taking good care of Punkin? Do you talk to him before you goes to sleep and do you rub his tummy in the morning?”
Joey is thinking Punkin is sitting on the rear seat in his car with at least fifteen empty beer cans. Joey decides to zing Sunny, “I think Punkin loves me more than he loves you because I let him watch TV with me.”
“That’s not fair. I didn’t know Punkin liked TV.”
“Punkin loves TV. You know what his favs are?”
“What?”
“I’m not going to tell unless you give my t-shirt back.”
“I’m not going to give you your t-shirt back unless you give me Punkin back and tell me his favs.”
“I got Punkin in my car because he likes to go riding with me. I even buckle him in. I’m going to teach Punkin how to drive.”
Detective Patterson considers checking the state’s driving code to see if stuffed toy poodles can drive. He shakes his head and thinks he needs to take a few personal days off.
“That’s not fair,” says Sunny.
“Is so,” counters Joey.
Detective Patterson wants the soap opera to end. He whispers to Sunny.
Sunny turns to Detective Patterson and says, “You think?”
Detective Patterson nods.
Sunny says, “Detective Pitable thinks we should make up and go back to the way things used to be because it’s destiny.”
Detective Milson whispers in Joey’s ear.
Sunny hollers, “Is she hitting on you?”
Joey says, “She was hit on me like she hadn’t been with a guy in ten years.
“I did not hit on you,” says Detective Milson.
“Did to,” says Joey.
“I told Handsome he’d be a fool to let you get away.”
“We can take it outside if you hit on Handsome again,” says Sunny.
Joey says, “Can we set her up with Detective Pitable?”
“I’m married,” says Detective Patterson.
“Me too,” says Detective Milson.
“So?” says Sunny. Then she says, “Handsome, you and Punkin are my only true friends.
Joey answers, “Me too.”
“God help them,” mumbles Detective Patterson.
“Handsome, come here,” says Sunny holding her arms outstretched.
Joey says, “Meet me halfway, Sunny.”
Joey and Sunny dodge desks and chairs on their paths toward middle.
“Oh Handsome,” says Sunny embracing Joey.
“Oh, Sunny,” says Joey.
Detective Patterson flashes a thumbs up to Detective Milson. He thinks, It’s all in a day’s work.
Today’s Smile 😃
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
Joey Wants to go in Witness Protection ~ LOL
9.
“What’s your name?” asks Detective Milson
“Why? I didn’t do nothing?” asks Joey.
“Do you realize you used a double negative? Asks Detective Milson who minored in English in college.
“You got to be mishandled. Me? I never do nothing like that. I’m a very optimistic person,” says Joey proudly.
Laughter breaks out around Detective Milson’s desk.
“Well, how can I help you?” asks Detective Milson hoping to send Joey off to another department.
Joey says, “I want to report a crime by a dangerous criminal. Can we call Crime Stoppers and see if they’ll put up a reward?”
“Have you been drinking, Sir?” asks Detective Milson.
“I had a bottle of Bud Light, but it was flat. Can you make Barlow’s give me a refund or a new bottle of beer even if the beer was free? Skinny gave me two bottles.”
“Who’s Skinny? I thought you said you only had one bottle?”
“Skinny’s really fat. He had his stomach stapled but his belly sticks out to here,” says Joey extending his arms and making a large circle.
“You sure you only drank one beer? What did you do with the other bottle? I can smell beer on your breath and clothes?”
“That’s because before I had my beer I was talking to Skinny and I told him I needed two cold ones. There was a splash of beer on the bar and I wiped it up with my t-shirt. Skinny appreciates things like that.”
“I thought you said you only drank one bottle.”
“I did.”
“But you ordered two bottles of beer.”
“I woulda drunk the two bottles of beer if my buddy Nate didn’t show like he said he was going to show up. I can never tell about Nate. Just as I was about to reach for the second bottle, my buddy Nate comes in and I give him my other bottle. This shows I am honest and respectable. No criminal ever shares a beer especially when they don’t have no more money to buy one.”
“I need to know your name, if you’re going to report a crime,” says Detective Milson.
“If I give you my name, I’m gonna need to go in witness protection because I am reporting someone who has won ton disrespect for property. If she destroyed my priceless possession she probably has bodies buried in her bedroom. I seen something like this on Cold Case Files,” says Joey moving his arms as if he is having a seizure while he’s speaking.
Detective Milson rolls her eyes. She says, “You mean wanton disregard.”
“That’s what I said, won ton.”
“I heard you say won ton.”
“That’s what I said,” says Joey.
“Won ton is something you get at a Chinese restaurant,” says Detective Milson.
Everyone in the squad room is turning their heads back and forth as if they’re watching a tennis match.
Joey answers, “Don’t they teach use guys nothing at the police academy. I seen a movie about the Police Academy and use don’t come across as the smartest squirrels in the banana patch.”
Detective Milson’s right eye begins to twitch, “Police academy is a comedy and a movie. And, bananas grow on trees.”
Joey doesn’t miss a beat, “That’s how they spin it to the public because they know it not would be allowed if they said it was a dormitory.”
“Do you mean documentary?”
“What’d I say?”
The squad room breaks into hilarious laughter. Joey waves to them thinking he’s the star of the show.
From the opposite end of the squad room a scream, “That’s him. That’s Handsome.”
