Jokes

9.

“What’s your name?” asks Detective Milson

“Why? I didn’t do nothing?” asks Joey.

“Do you realize you used a double negative? Asks Detective Milson who minored in English in college.

“You got to be mishandled. Me? I never do nothing like that. I’m a very optimistic person,” says Joey proudly.

Laughter breaks out around Detective Milson’s desk.

“Well, how can I help you?” asks Detective Milson hoping to send Joey off to another department.

Joey says, “I want to report a crime by a dangerous criminal. Can we call Crime Stoppers and see if they’ll put up a reward?”

“Have you been drinking, Sir?” asks Detective Milson.

“I had a bottle of Bud Light, but it was flat. Can you make Barlow’s give me a refund or a new bottle of beer even if the beer was free? Skinny gave me two bottles.”

“Who’s Skinny? I thought you said you only had one bottle?”

“Skinny’s really fat. He had his stomach stapled but his belly sticks out to here,” says Joey extending his arms and making a large circle.

“You sure you only drank one beer?  What did you do with the other bottle? I can smell beer on your breath and clothes?”

“That’s because before I had my beer I was talking to Skinny and I told him I needed two cold ones. There was a splash of beer on the bar and I wiped it up with my t-shirt. Skinny appreciates things like that.”

“I thought you said you only drank one bottle.”

“I did.”

“But you ordered two bottles of beer.”

“I woulda drunk the two bottles of beer if my buddy Nate didn’t show like he said he was going to show up. I can never tell about Nate. Just as I was about to reach for the second bottle, my buddy Nate comes in and I give him my other bottle. This shows I am honest and respectable. No criminal ever shares a beer especially when they don’t have no more money to buy one.”

“I need to know your name, if you’re going to report a crime,” says Detective Milson.

“If I give you my name, I’m gonna need to go in witness protection because I am reporting someone who has won ton disrespect for property. If she destroyed my priceless possession she probably has bodies buried in her bedroom. I seen something like this on Cold Case Files,” says Joey moving his arms as if he is having a seizure while he’s speaking.

Detective Milson rolls her eyes. She says, “You mean wanton disregard.”

“That’s what I said, won ton.”

“I heard you say won ton.”

“That’s what I said,” says Joey.

“Won ton is something you get at a Chinese restaurant,” says Detective Milson.

Everyone in the squad room is turning their heads back and forth as if they’re watching a tennis match.

Joey answers, “Don’t they teach use guys nothing at the police academy. I seen a movie about the Police Academy and use don’t come across as the smartest squirrels in the banana patch.”

Detective Milson’s right eye begins to twitch, “Police academy is a comedy and a movie. And, bananas grow on trees.”

Joey doesn’t miss a beat, “That’s how they spin it to the public because they know it not would be allowed if they said it was a dormitory.”

“Do you mean documentary?”

“What’d I say?”

The squad room breaks into hilarious laughter. Joey waves to them thinking he’s the star of the show.

From the opposite end of the squad room a scream, “That’s him. That’s Handsome.”