Anxious?

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Life isn’t supposed to be this way, even in the alt ego world. I’m not supposed to be connected to the mob. Okay, my grandmother ran numbers, that doesn’t mean anything. It was a community service. Now I’m in a pickle. I’m face to face with a 1000 pound gorilla. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I’m paddling upstream without a paddle. When I get anxious, I mix metaphors. I’m mixing and I’m going to continue to stir the pot. There’s no way I can shake this hook. Enough, I silently scream. I’m driving myself nuts.

It’s tough enough to muster the courage to propose. I used to chide Babe (my wife), she proposed to me. She always said no. I think someplace in heaven she’s shaking her head at me telling me I got it wrong.

How am I going to teach Little Carmen to propose? How am I going to get La Flor to accept his proposal? Big Carmen doesn’t take failure well.

I’m pacing. I’d say back and forth, but that’s only partially right. I’m circling, quadrangling, boxing, and elipticalling. My mind is like a gymnast doing floor exercises until . . .

“We’re back,” hollered La Flor from the doorway.

“We’re back,” hollered Carmela from the doorway.

“We’s back, Ray-mo,” said Little Carmen.

Okay, they’re back. All parties accounted for.

“What’s for dinner, Ray?” said La Flor.

“What’s for dinner, Ray?” said Carmela.

“Enough with the echo,” I said.

“Bad day?” asked La Flor.

“I got things on my mind I can’t discuss with you,” I said. I added, “Take my card and your protégé out for sushi. I need man time with Little Carmen. I want to talk about our fantasy football league, the season’s coming up,” I lied.

“Oh? I don’t think so,” said La Flor.

“Busted,” I said. “I want to help him get a head start on his Christmas shopping for you.”

“Good idea, but remember I was La Flor PI before I was La Flor beautiful model.” Then she added, “We need to talk before you and LC need to talk.”

“Yah!” said Carmela.

La Flor turned her gaze toward Carmela. Two ice picks darting from La Flor’s eyes had an immediate effect on her.

“I think I spoke out of turn. Can I go and shine your shoes, polish your jewelry, bath myself in the beauty of your photos that cover your wall,” begged Carmela.

“She wants to learn, Ray. But, she’s not the brightest bulb in the closet. Her escalator stopped running. Her pepperoni pizza doesn’t have any pepperoni.”

“I get it. Are you anxious?”

“How can you tell?”

“The overuse of metaphors.”

“Little Carmen, will you walk to Starbucks and get us our usual afternoon caffeinated drinks?”

“Does I gots to walk?”

“It’ll be good for your love handles,” I said. He doesn’t have any on his chiseled body, which is the primary animal attraction for La Flor.

“I don’t feel any handles. Use thinks they could be knobs or something I don’t know nothing about?”

“I do,” I said.

“Thanks, Ray-mo. Be back in a jiff. Is it jiff or jif or jiffy? I gets confused.”

“Jiff is fine.”

“Tanks.”

The moment Little Carmen left, La Flor flung her arms around me. She buried her head into my chest, “I too young to die, Ray. Please, please help me,” she pleaded.

“You’re not dying,” I reassured her.

“If I marry him, I will. I read your blog. Please convince him I’m not worthy of him. Feed him Carmela. Put out a contract on him. Anything. I beg you.”

What am I going to do?

Discard The Doubters

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This past week I flew from East Lansing, Michigan to O’Hara to catch another flight to San Antonio. While I waited for my plane in East Lansing, a graduate student at Michigan State University and I entered into a conversation. I asked about his studies. He told me he was changing fields because the field he wanted to enter was already full of people. I asked him if everyone was competent, a champion in the field. He said no, but his advisor suggested a shift in majors. I couldn’t convince him to follow his passion. He listened to “The Doubters.” Don’t listen to the doubters. Double down on your dream. Go all in. Get inspired with this short YouTube video.

Double Down on Your Dream

Big Carmen Wasn’t Kidding

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Season 2, episode 8, the final show of the season on my favorite Netflix series. I’m three-fourths of the way through the episode. It’s a cliffhanger building to another cliffhanger when I hear . . .

The doorbell.

I am not going to answer it. I am going to finish my show. And, I hear …

The doorbell.

I pause my show. I take off of my shoes, stealthily walk to the door. I look through the security hole. A half foot away is a nose big enough to stick it into my business. The nose is the personal property of Big Carmen. He has his muscle, the diminutive seventy-one-year-old, Lil Carlo. There is no way I want to talk to these two guys. I want to see my show. There are twenty minutes left. I turn and tiptoe back to living room. I gently sit on my sofa. I give a warm smile to my hot air popcorn and can of diet soda. La Flor and Carmela and their chauffeur, Little Carmen, are off somewhere. I hope it’s out of the country.and I will not be disturbed, until I hear …

“We knows use is in there.”

How do they know I’m in here? La Flor made Little Carmen take my car. She didn’t want to be seen in a pizza delivery car, bad for the image. I think Big Carmen’s bluffing. I lie down on the sofa, pull a pillow over my head, and curl into a fetal position. I am really worried, this is a La Flor move. Is she writing my script? These thoughts are crashing through my mind when I hear . . .

“I’m a gonna counts to three or maybe four if eyes in a good mood (yes, he said eyes) then I’m a gonna have my muscle kick in you door.”

Lil Carlo, all one hundred seven pounds in going to kick in my door? No way. At least I thought it was no way until I hear …

“Lil Carlo is gonna use a grenade we got as a gift when we visited the armory when nobody was there. Use understand what I am trying to say?

I go back to the door. this time with my shoes on. I speak through the door. I said, “I only have twenty minutes left to season 2, episode 8 of …. ” When I hear …

“I already seem it (yes, he said seem). Use don’t has to finish it, because this is how it ends,” Big Carmen proceed to tell me the ending of the cliffhanger and the cliffhanger heading into season 3.

“Now let’s us in. Eyes has to talk to use about my boy. He needs use help, and this will be a big favor to Big Carmen if use deliver what I thinks use can deliver, which is better than how Little Carmen delivers because he ain’t such a good delivery man. Use follow?”

No, not really. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I keep the words bottled. No sense in feeding a tiger red meat.

I open the door. Big Carmen and Lil Carlo walk in. Big Carmen’s carrying a pizza. Lil Carlo is carrying a hand grenade. He wasn’t kidding.

We sit down. Big Carmen opens the pizza box. “This eye made special for use. It’s got thin crust, but chewy. It’s got fresh buffalo mozzarella, that means it’s made in Buffalo. it’s got fresh just picked from my neighbor’s yard, basil leaves. The sauce you can die for and might I say, Tomas did. And, I put on peppers, just enough calamata olives. And, I baked it to perfection. Normally, this pie costs fourteen seventy-five. But for you, it’s free. Now, here’s my favor I need.”

I’m praying it’s an easy one. Something I can do with my eyes closed. Until I hear …

“I want you to coach Little Carmen on how to proposal to the beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

I feel dizzy.

You Have A Dream – Chase It

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You may not be famous, but you have a dream, chase it. Your friends and family may laugh at you. You have a dream, chase it. You wake up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, doubts rush at you like an F5 tornado. You have a dream, chase it. Maybe you’ll catch it; maybe you won’t, but you’ll never know unless you chase it.

Dream On

Catch & Release

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“La Flor, do you think it’s wise for you to mentor Carmela? One of you is about all the alt ego world can handle,” I said.

“Ray, if all the people in the world were like me, the world would be a better place. I’m doing my part to make that happen. Do you think I’ll win a Noble Prize (yes, she said Noble instead of Nobel – I’m only writing what I hear).

“I’m sure it is Nobel not Noble. You know the difference, right?”

“Of course I know the difference. Nobel means no bells. Noble is the thing I should win,” said an adamant La Flor.

“Looks like you got it figured out,” I said.

“Move over, Ray, my protege is here.”

“A minny me? I asked.

“No, she is not a minny you. You don’t have the right stuff that Carmela is looking for, Ray,” said La Flor.

“What is the right stuff? I thought I was pretty good,” I said.

“Three words, Ray. And, you don’t qualify.”‘

“I hear an inner voice repeating them to me,” I said.

“Let me help your inner voice. Beautiful, tough, edgy. They’re so far removed from you, you can’t see them with the Bubble telescope.”

“Do you mean Hubble?” I said.

“Don’t change the subject,” she said. Then added, “Girlfriend come over. I’ve straightened Ray out.”

“Hey, my posture’s good. I don’t need a chiropractor,” I said.

“Oh La Flor, you are the master. You weren’t even breathing hard when you put Ray in his place.”

“You are so smart but not as smart as me, Carmela. Now, I want you to flirt with TT, then let him down.”

I stepped in. TT never hurt anyone. Let’s not play with his emotions,” I said.

“Ray, beautiful, tough, and edgy rules, it’s called catch and release.”

“Just like the fishing places?” I said.

Exactly.

 

 

 

We Need Each Other

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It’s a good feeling when we accomplish something for ourselves by ourselves. It’s an even better feeling when we selflessly help each other do something that alone we cannot do. It is at those times we recognize how much we need each other. We recognize life on our planet is a shared experience. We recognize that great things happen when we set aside our personal goals to contribute to a greater good. The following YouTube video is a wonderful example of a selfless act, cooperation, and contribution to a greater good.

 

You Call This Mentoring?

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La Flor and Carmela sit on the deck overlooking the large pool and tennis court at Big Carmen’s 6000 square foot home. Big Carmen can’t swim or play tennis, but the guy who donated the home to him did. A bottle of white wine is on the table between La Flor and Carmela. Their glasses partially filled.

“I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you as my mentor La Flor. I want to be just like you.”

“We’ll have to work on your makeup, clothes, voice, walk, diet, and attitude. In short, Carmela, you need a total makeover and your mentor is going to point the way,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen lays in a lounge chair off to the side. He perks up when he hears La Flor’s voice. La Flor’s voice. He called over, “Who’s mental? Use guys needs some help?”

La Flor glanced at him, then bent closer to Carmela, “Lesson one, sometimes you have to overlook certain weakness because he’s just so handsome.” Then she sat back and looked at Little Carmen, “We’re okay, play with your iPad.”

“I’m hear (that’s what he said) if use needs me.”

Carmela gets out of her seat, goes around the table and hugs La Flor. Tears are streaming down her face, “You are so kind, so generous, so everything good, and can I add so wise with men.”

“I know. I know. Now let go of me. I don’t want your mascara ending up on my shirt. I spent an hour getting my makeup right. I hope you didn’t smudge it with the hug. Ask permission next time before you hug me. I usually take hugs by appointment. Not on weekends or Tuesdays, they are my rest days,” said La Flor.

“I’m sorry,” said Carmela.

“Since it’s your first day being mentored, I’ll let it slide,” said La Flor.

“Can I hug you again, you are the kindest person I know,” said Carmela.

“No, it’s Tuesday. But, you can tell all your friends on social media how good I am to you. Pay attention to what I do now,” said La Flor.

“Should I take notes?” said Carmela.

“Good idea because I give pop quizzes.”

Carmela takes out her iPhone, presses the Notes app and waits for La Flor.

“LC. LC.”

“Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy mentor,” said Little Carmen.

“Nothing. I wanted to make sure you’re paying attention to cater to my every whim.”

“Like cheese on sauce, red on tomatoes, green on oregano, pepperoni on Camen’s Pizzeria Saturday night special for five ninety-one and free delivery.”

“Tomorrow we’ll kick it up a notch.”

“I can’t wait.”

 

Fan The Flames of Fire In Your Heart

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What is the size of the fire in your heart? There is always a burning ember. It’s waiting for you to fan its flames. It’s waiting for you to call on it. It will respond. It will not let you down. It’s the roaring flame in your heart that will pull you through. Failure becomes a teacher. Setbacks become a setup for something better. Getting knocked down becomes an opportunity to rise again, shake it off and press onward.

Fan The Flames of Fire In Your Heart

The runner in this YouTube video fanned the flames of fire in his heart and he wouldn’t quit. Take a lesson from his example.

Don’t Confuse the Confused

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“We done here?  I need a vacation, I’m burned out,” said La Flor.

“Use takes all the times use needs to refurnish your membranes. Use were awesome beautiful, tough, and edgy whatever. After the first ad ran I couldn’t make pizza fast enough. It’s a good ting Tony Caruso owes me a fav an he shut down his pizzeria for the night to help me out,” said Big Carmen. He added, “I gots one fav to ask? Well, come to tink of it, that is unless a third percolates in my memory.”

I’m sure Little Carmen was home schooled seeing how he speaks perfect Big Carmen English.

“I’ll do it if it’s not too much trouble. It’s hard being a working girl. Now I understand how the big time models who are not as beautiful as me, or as nice as me, or as intelligent as me look like they need a Frappuccino,” said La Flor.

“Dis is my foist fav.”

“Yes, what’s the second fav?” asked La Flor.fav?”

“What’d she say?” asked Big Carmen to no one and everyone.

“Yes,” said Little Carmen.

“I’m talking about the second part, not the first part. Don’t go confusing the confused,” said Big Carmen.

TT waved his arm, “What’s use want pinky pole?”

TT’s brain was working overtime trying to process pinky pole. TT knew he wasn’t Polish so Big Carmen couldn’t have meant Pol. What other kinds of pol could there be, maybe a politician? Yet, he wasn’t a politician. He looked around the room for something pink, something pol. He came up empty.

“What chu looking for? No body gonna come and pulls your skinny butt out of the pizza oven,” said Big Carmen.

“The beautiful, tough, edgy and burned out super model said yes,” said Little Carmen.

“Use is repeating the repeated, LL. Use don’t has the second part, which is more important than the first part. Now, I’m gonna ask my second fav,” said Big Carmen.

“I want’s use to meets my godchild by my friend Mario who owes me many favs and he just added a big one because he hasn’t done a fav for me,” said Big Carmen.

“Why do I get all the hard stuff?” bemoaned La Flor.

“This leads me to the turd fav,” said Big Carmen (yes, he said turd).

“What is the turd fav? You know you owe me big time for doing turd favs for you?”

La Flor is the master of the suck up as well as the master of many other wonderful gifts as as well.

“I know I owes use, beautiful, tough, edgy and I owes use a big fav,” said Big Carmen.

“As long as we got it straight, you handsome beyond all measures father of LC,” said La Flor.

“Big Bro, she’s got a way with the words. They spell binds me,” said Lil Carlo.

“Use is righteous, Lil Carlo. La Flor’s I wants use to mentor my godchild, Carmela. She’s waiting in the tomato sauce pantry. Use can tell she was named after some big shot.”

“Oh kay,” La Flor drew out the ‘Oh’ for five seconds and clanged the symbols on ‘kay.”

“What’s Pinky pole doing with his arm in the air?” asked Lil Carlo.

“I dunno. I tinks he gots to go number one or number two or number three, which is what I don’t want to know,” said Big Carmen.

“Hold it Pinky,” said Lil Carlo.

“Hey Carmela, get use selfie out here to meets use mentor,” hollered Big Carmen.

A smaller, younger, but not too much younger splitting image of La Flor walked out of the tomato pantry. She saw La Flor. She stopped. She gasped. She threw her hands over her heart, “Oh, La Flor. You are the most admired woman in the world. I want to be just like you. I try to look and dress like you, but no one can capture you exactly,” said Carmela.

“Come on over, girlfriend. Let’s go out for some wine and girl talk,” said La Flor.

“Can I come?” asked Little Carmen.

“LC, you drive. Wait in the car. Don’t bother us.”

“Okay.”

 

Be Kind To Yourself

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At times it is hard to be kind to ourselves. We frequently apply negative self-talk, personal insults, and judgments against ourselves without a thought of extending a compassionate inward glance. Today, let’s make all self-talk positive. Instead of criticizing our actions, let’s praise our effort. If we fail, let’s applaud our willingness to shake it off and get going again. The short YouTube video provides a wonderful example of how jumping to judgment leads to wrong conclusions with others and with ourselves.

 

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