When people in healthy relationships discuss problem issues they use “I” Statements Instead of Blame
Healthy communicators take ownership of their feelings. Instead of blaming or accusing, they speak from their own experience.
“I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. Can we make a plan to tackle them together?”
Much better than, “You never help with the dishes!” Right?
YOU! Watch out for that word if you are trying resolve a conflict. When we start saying you when we’re in a conflict situation it’s often viewed as if we’re attacking the other person. Once finger pointing starts, the problem is forgotten and replaced with blame attribution. When the parties to a conflict situation can set aside “who’s to blame or who’s at fault they can focus on the real issues and collaborate to resolve them. I know it’s difficult, especially if we believe we’re in the right. Being right, doesn’t always lead to the best solution. Tell the ego to take a break.
What’s holding you back? Are the barriers real or are they your mind’s creation? Most of the barriers we face are self created. The higher we build our self created barriers, the easier it becomes for us to make excuses, blame others, feel sorry for ourselves, or lament that life is unfair. We can tear down our self-created barriers as easily as we built them. The first step is to be honest when examining the barrier. If the answer is, the barrier is real. The next question to ask, is there a workaround. There usually is a workaround to most barriers.
In every relationship something works. Why focus on a disagreement that only builds barriers? Focus on what is working and make more of it. When two people agree on what is working, they center their attention on creatively building the relationship. It’s always a choice, we can choose to focus on what is working and make more of it. Or, we can choose to focus on what isn’t working and create an atmosphere of blame, shame, and defensiveness.
