clean jokes

Guy: “I love you so much, I can’t live without you.”
Girlfriend: “Is that you or the beer talking?”
Guy: “It’s me talking to the beer.”

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

Source

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang,

but eventually, it came back to me.

Source

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! 😃

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Source

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Source

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.

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I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Source