My friend asked me, “What are your plans for the weekend?”
I said, “I’m going to buy glasses.”
She said, “And then what?”
I replied, “Then I’ll see.”
clean jokes
Today’s Smile 😃
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Today’s Smile 😃
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. His buddy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Stay calm. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Today’s Smile 😃
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
–
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
–
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
Today’s Smile 😃
My Dad said to me, “Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted.”
I shouted, “You’re kidding!”
He said, “It’s true. Get your things together, they’re coming to pick you up in an hour.”
Today’s Smile 😃
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.
I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
Today’s Smile 😃
Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.
Today’s Smile 😃
A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm.
At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
