funny
Enjoy a Music Moment & a Laugh with Victor Borge
Music & Humor a Great Combination
The Dog ~ Poem by Ogden Nash
The Dog
by Ogden Nash
The truth I do not stretch or shove
When I state that the dog is full of love.
I’ve also found, by actual test,
A wet dog is the lovingest.
A Match Made By La Flor
“Ray?”
“Yes, La Flor?”
“O’Leary and Gina didn’t work out. I knew he was too good for her. Gina’s a gold digger and she’s looking for a sugar daddy.”
“You think O’Leary is a sugar daddy?”
“Gina never set her sights too high. Being the good person I am, I am going to set O’Leary up with Carmela, will you help me?”
“I think Carmela and TT are together. I don’t do breakups,” I said.
“Look at it from Carmela’s perspective, Ray. TT’s no fun. His idea of a fun night is to have a cup of decaf tea, hot air popcorn without anything on it, and watch AMC. Duh. Boring. We’ll be saving her from emotional starvation.”
“Every time I see them they’re happy,” I said.
“Carmela is laughing on the outside and a Ninja blender on the inside. It’s eating her alive. See what I mean?”
Not exactly, but I keep quiet, “Has she talked to you about her feelings?” I asked.
“Remember, I’m her mentor. She always asking for advice.”
“What did she say?”
“What didn’t she say is a better question, Ray.”
“I think you’re trying to start trouble because you’re bored,” I said.
“Who me?” said La Flor pointing a finger toward her face.
“Yes, you.”
“Big Carmen sent TT to New Orleans on family business. Carmela is home alone and she is the one who is bored. And, I’m not talking a small b. I’m talking a capital B. LC and me invited O’Leary and Carmela to come for dinner tonight. What are you going to make?”
“You’re going too far, La Flor.”
“No, the dining room is right over there. We won’t have to leave home. LC and me would help with the cooking, but we want to look awesome so your on your own. I prefer salmon grilled to perfection. LC wants steak and fries. O’Leary likes hotdogs with lots of ketchup. And, Carmela will have a small salad. I don’t want her to put on any more weight.”
“She’s not heavy.”
“She is a size two. That’s bigger than me. Desert will be donuts. You can order those from Joey’s.”
“Can I ask Lorenzo to cater it?”
“Okay, but don’t get in the way of love. It’s going to be a match made by La Flor. I might have a new career going.
Ask La Flor
Hi Sisters – I’m listening. I’m hear for you. I convinced Ray to let me have today’s blog – I’m winging and singing it. I’m fishing and dishing. I have no clue what I’m doing, but I was bored. He thinks I’m doing an advice column. I’ll give you a few tips that work for me.
First tip. Let him thinks what he wants to think, then do your own thing. Seems to work for me..
Second tip. Use his charge card. That way you don’t worry about how much you’re charging.
Third tip. You got to make him grovel. Grovel is good for your man.
Enter Ray.
“La Flor, I’m not going to put that on my blog. It’s terrible. It’s not the real you,” I said.
“Oh, I think it is, Ray. It works perfectly with LC. I’ve got him wrapped tight around my little finger.”
“You think so?” I said.
“Well, yes I do.”
“So it doesn’t bother you, that I saw him at the coffee shop with Gina Abbrighi, right?”
“Gina? What’s he doing with her? Were they holding hands? Did he pay for her drink? How close were they sitting?” said La Flor.
“I don’t know why they were together. They were looking at something together, like a calendar. LC shook his hand, then Gina pointed to a date, they laughed and fist bumped.”
“They fist bumped? Was it a hard bump or a gentle bump?” asked La Flor.
“I’d say a gentle bump.”
“Oh, Ray. I’ve been too rough on LC. I’m going to lose him. Help me save him from her. She’s no good for him. O’Leary is perfect for her.”
“It may be too late, you’ve been treating him like a dog. Making him grovel. You made him wear a tie all night. He’s on call 24/7. You’re wearing him out.”
“I only did it for his own good. Besides, I thought he liked it when I scratched his belly. He’d always kick his leg. And the tie? He was so handsome. Gina will do worse. You don’t know her reputation. We’ve got to save him. Do you have Lil Carlo’s cell number?”
Not a moment to soon – the door slams against the wall. The clang, the light go dim and return to full brightness.
“I’m in da vicinities,” hollered LC.
La Flor hollered, “We’re through. Get your stuff and get out before I call Lil Carlo and Big Carmen.”
“What I do? What I do? What I do? LC came running in slid to La Flor on his knees and wrapped his arms around her legs.
“Ray spotted you with Gina Abbrighi at the coffee shop. You two-timer. Let go of me.”
“I can splain every ting. I can. Honest I can.”
“It better be good. No, make that real good,” said La Flor.
“I promised Gina was gonna say nut tin, buts I gotta say some tin cause I can’t lose use beautiful, tough and edgy one,” LC now cradling his head against La Flor’s knees.
“Spill it,” said La Flor.
“Gina is gonna throw a surprise party for use because she says every woman looks up to use and we was figuring out the dates. It’s all set but use can’t know nut tin about it because it is a surprise.”
“Stand up, LC so I can jump in your arms. We’re back together.”
Some things never change.
He Dedicated His Life To Pleasing Her
Few things in life are certain. One thing is for sure, La Flor’s interest in career opportunities has a shelf life of 24 hours. Don’t believe me. Follow along.
“Ray, I need a career change. I’ve accomplished all a human being can accomplish in the medical field. It’s time to move on, don’t you think?” asked La Flor.
“What’s the real reason?” I asked.
“Big Carmen asked me if I took care of bullet wounds. The only red I like is when I put it on my lips,” said La Flor.
“I think it’s time for a career change.”
“Are you proud of my accomplishments in the medical field?”
“You only worked with one patient, Lil Carlo,” I said.
“Yes, and everything I did was a medical breakthrough. I’ve got to leave some breakthroughs for other people,” said La Flor.
“What kind of change are you thinking about?” I said.
“Oh, it’s set and this one is permanent,” La Flor said with enthusiasm.
“Okay?”
“LC and me are going to be a famous duo. Like Ike and Tina, Sonny and Cher, Marie and Donny, Otis and Carla.”
“What about the Everly Brothers, Simon and Garfunkel?” I added.
“Get real, Ray. LC should be here any minute, we’re going to write our first song and then sing it acapella for you,” beamed La Flor.
“Don’t go through any trouble,” I said.
“LC sings like an angel. He’s better than Buble. Sinatra might have been famous if he sang like LC. Justin Bieber? Wish in one hand, you know what in the other, guess which one Bieber will get first? Taylor Swift would give anything to replace me and now she can drool. Need I go on?” asked La Flor.
“No, I get the picture.”
“LC is an accomplished musician; of course, your prejudiced and wouldn’t notice,” said La Flor.
“An accomplished musician? I’ve never seen him with an instrument,” I said.
“He’s a private person. He could be a star in his own right. He isn’t because he’s dedicated his life to pleasing me,” said La Flor.
“Wise choice. What instrument has he mastered?” I asked.
“The air guitar,” said La Flor without a hint of smile.
A screech of tires. A door slamming. A siren in the distant background. I ran to the front door, and opened it just in time to avert the explosion of my door against the wall. LC dove headfirst into the entrance way, sliding ten feet across the Saltillo tile on his full body spandex suit.
“Close the door, Ray-mo. Quick,” he hollered.
I closed the door. LC pulled off his ski mask, latex gloves, and said, “I needs a beer. It’s hot working in a ventilator system. Do me a fav and burn my clothes.”
La Flor has perfected the leap, which she performed with amazing dexterity. Legs around LC’s waist, arms around LC’s neck. Lips synchronized to lock on contact. I turned and walked to the fridge. It’s my first choice when my anxiety level kicks up a notch.
Twelve minutes later, five minutes for the gymnastics, five minutes to change, and two minutes to pack his discarded clothes in a donation bag to leave at the church. LC comes out of the bedroom donation bag in his right hand, the remnants of his bottled beer in his left hand.
“I am ready to compose and dispose is use know what I mean,” said LC proud of his quip.
“Leave the bag in the hallway, Ray can carry it to church when we go on Sunday. I don’t want to you to be caught, I mean messing up your clothes with it,” said La Flor.
“Huh?”
Come by tomorrow to see the duo’s first song. They promise it will be a hit.
Do I Hear an Amen?
The following is a part of a series, sometimes serialized, sometimes spontaneous. It’s all farce. The characters are all fictitious and fun to be around. ENJOY
Amazing. A sense of euphoria! I’m shocked! Stunned silence! What happened? I’ll let La Flor tell you.
“It was simply awesome. Who makes people saints? I got to talk to her because Big Carmen has to be made a saint,” said La Flor.
“I think you have to be dead to be saint,” I said.
“That’s all wrong, Ray. Big Carmen took all the money from this weeks collections and we flew down to Houston, then to Tampa and he donated it. Every cent. He’s not even going to declare it on his income tax. Did you see LC helping distribute the pizzas we took down from Carmen’s Pizzeria? He was doing the work of seven men and four women. You know I said four women, because a woman does almost twice the work of a man and gets twice less pay. Let me hear it girls! Do I hear an Amen?”
“Why?” I asked.
“Of course your prejudice. After all he collects from the rich and gives to the needy. That’s the way it should be.”
“It may not be quite legal,” I said.
Doesn’t matter. Big Carmen inspired me. I know what I want to do with the rest of my life.”
“You do?”
“Yes! I am going to be doctor. I am going into family practice. I’ll be great. No, I’ll be awesome. I may get my own TV show.”
“It takes years of study, La Flor. You can’t be a doctor without going to medical school.”
“Says who? I know already everything I need to know and what I don’t know, I’ll have LC Google it. Think about it, Ray. I work a couple hours in the morning, have LC do the rest. I make lots of money. And, I become famous.”
“Sound like you’re going into medicine for all the right reasons,” I said.
“I seeing my first patient tomorrow,” said La Flor.
“You’re not a doctor,” I said.
“I beg to differ. I have proof,” La Flor reached into her handbag and pulled out a freshly printed business card.
Dr. La Flor
Specializing in Family Practice and Whatever Else Ails you.
“This will work!” I have to check the alcohol content of the wine she’s drinking. Then I said, “Who’s your first patient?”
“I’m giving Lil Carlo his annual physical. It’s an organization requirement. Big Carmen said I could be the family’s doctor,” La Flor said cocking her hair toward the front door.
The earth moved slightly, the a second tremor was felt from the 6.2 earthquake. Then from the hall, “Use got to do someting about the whole (yes, he said whole instead of hole) in the wall. Can I bee (yes he said bee instead of be) the second patient for an annual physique,” hollered LC.
“Come in here you physical specimen. Catch me,” said La Flor. One, two, three steps legs locked around LC’s hips, arms around his neck, and lips connecting. Maybe this could be an Olympic sport. I’ve got to think about the Alt Ego Olympics.
They untangled five minutes later. La Flor, grabbed hold of LC’s arm. “Ray, check out my nurse practitioner.”
“Huh?”
Come by tomorrow for Lil Carlo’s annual physical.
I Don’t Want To Go To A Sport’s Bar
“Ray, don’t be a stuck in the mud. Turn off your iPad and cut loose with LC and me. We’re going to Big Carmen’s sports bar. There’s some kind of big game, ” said La Flor dressed in a way to short circuit the male brain.
“I don’t want to go to a sports bar. Big Carmen owns a sports bar? I thought he only owned a pizzeria,” I said while moving my fingers on my iPad.
LC (note: I’m tired of writing Little Carmen every time I speak. I’m getting carpel tunnel in my fingers) grabbed hold of my iPad. “Let go Ray-mo, it’s for use own good. Use can watch the big game.”
“No, I need my my iPad. How will I find out what’s happening? How will be able to check Yelp? How will I see if I’m getting retweeted? What big game?”
LC gives a yank, nearly pulls off the sofa, “If use excuses me, use can have use iPad back when the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman I adore says use can. As for the udder (yes, he said udder, not other) questions, the pizzeria is only a front. Don’t remember I said that. Big Carmen gets touchy about such stuff. As for the big game, I tinks it’s a soccer match between two clubs nobody ever heard about.”
“A front for what?” I asked.
“What am I am gonna tell him beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”
They whisper. They look at each other. They whisper again. They look at each other. They whisper some more. La Flor said, “LC is ready to tell you. LC get really, really close to me.”
“Okay.”
La Flor whispers in LC’s ear. LC says, “I means to say it is an affront.”
La Flor whispers again into LC’s ear, “To tinks that it is a front for anything other than which it is, which is namely a pizzeria.”
“Good boy,” La Flor pats LC on the back of his head. I’m waiting for her to scratch his belly and see LC’s foot jumping.
“So, you going or are you going to stay home and watch reruns? asked La Flor.
“Okay, I’ll go. Do I have to get dressed up for this place? What’s it called?” I tossed two questions. Maybe I confused the issue.
“I suggest getting out of your scrubby, dirty, so old they get a senior’s discount Nike’s, rumbled workout shirt, and the excuse for jeans you’re wearing and think Sport’s Bar.”
“I am thinking sports bar. I think I’d fit right in.”
“We’ve got so much work to do with him LC.”
“Yah, beautiful, tough, and edgy one, and so little time to do it. Especially if we is leaving in fifteen minutes,” said LC.
“You’re both wearing jeans,” I said.
“I’m poured into mine. LC’s are the straight leg, macho paints. His muscular waist and can I say six pack, accentuates his broad shoulders. Notices his form fitting casual shirt. I am going to show LC off and if anyone tries to sidle up to him, Lil Carlo promised he’d help out.”
“Lil Carlo?”
“Yah, Ray-mo. He’s the muscle tonight,” said LC.
“I’ll be back in a minute. One minute later, “How do I look?”
“Seriously?” said La Flor.
“Can you be kind?” I said.
“You’ve got no worries, you’ll be coming home with us.”
“Huh?”
He Didn’t Fall Far From The Olive Tree
I’m beginning to think I need to call my home Carmen’s East. Big Carmen and some associate, mostly Lil Carlo show up on a daily basis. He walks in without knocking. It doesn’t matter if the doors locked, the alarm triggered, or I have a welcoming mat for him.
I’m vacuuming when I hear, “Use don’t have to do dat.”
“Who’s going to do it?” I asked.
“My manager, TT. He can use the extra work. Hey, what a friends for?”
I said, “Is that a question you want me to answer or a statement?”
Big Carmen scratched his head, “It’s what I call don’t forget the favors I does for use or else. The reason I’m hear now is I’m keeping my bad eye on my kid, and my good eye on the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. Know what I mean?”
Fool number one says, “No.” Fool number two, “Do you think that’s appropriate.” Before I answer I see Lil Carlo rubbing his hand gun against his cheek. His nose is almost as long as the gun’s barrel. I say, “Know what you mean.”
“Besides, I wants to hear her read the scriptomatic.”
Where does he come up with these words? Who understands him? I said, “You fellows want a beer? Wine? Kale chips? Carrot sticks? Protein Bar? Figs? Raw Almonds?’
Big Carmen interrupts, “Don’t use have no real food like my today’s special, tomato and basil vegetarian pizza with double sausage. Get a large one for three ninety-nine. Have us pick the sausage off, twenty-two seventy-one.”
“No. I didn’t realize it was today’s special,” I said.
“I’m gonna call Rocko. He’ll give us one of the pizza’s he’s delivering.”
“Do you think that’s fair to person waiting for the pizza?” I asked.
“Yah. If they’s gots a complaint, I send them to the complaint department.”
“You have a complaint department?” I asked.
“It’s me,” said Lil Carlo sliding a bullet into the chamber.
A voice from behind the bedroom door, “I’m ready. Are you boys ready? I’m only wearing jeans and a shirt. LC cut class yesterday, he didn’t want to miss two days in a row even though Chef Vigeli said he was tops in his class.
I wanted to shout, ‘He’s being tutored one on one, of course he’s tops and the bottom as well.’ Not worth it.
“Okay beautiful, tough, and edgy, We are disappointed we won’t get the full eye candy treatment but we understands,” said Big Carmen.
La Flor struts out in her poured into jeans, a white button shirt tied just above her navel, and her spikes. I thought both men were going to reach for angina tabs.
She walks to front of the TV, unbuttons the two top buttons of her shirt.
“This is a good start. People gonna love you. I don’t thinks use need LC.”
“I was thinking the same thing, you adorable creature.”
Big Carmen nudges Lil Carlo, “She got a way with the words.”
La Flor reads her script, “You girls want to look as good as me? Sorry, I won’t lie. It’s impossible. But, you can look lot better than you look now if you take the Post Puberty Pill, that’s PPP. I made the tramp, my former protege, take this pill for a week, and you should see the difference. Firmer in the right places, all the cellulite gone in the wrong places, and her cell is busy with losers calling her for a date. What are you waiting for? You’ve been tied up with your loser for how long? The answer, long enough. Ask your doctor about a prescription. Don’t worry about the side effects. We have a cream for facial hair. An ointment for outrageously big pimples, and you won’t need birth control, you’ll be sterile after two doses.
“How did I do with the rewrites?” La Flor waiting anxiously for the applause.
Saved by the door crashing into the living room wall. Good thing I have the handyman on retainer.
“Did I miss it beautiful, tough, and edgy woman?” said Little Carmen carrying a pizza box.
Big Carmen forgot about his critique of La Flor’s rewrites, jumped up and went to embrace Little Carmen.
“Use did not fall far from the olive tree. Use making pizza at Vigeli’s? I’m so proud of use.”
“Nah. I grabbed it from Rocko. He was about to come in.”
“How did cooking class go today,” asked Big Carmen.
“Bass Clef Vigeli wants a parent conference.”
La Flor Goes To Court
“You can’t go into court dressed like that,” I said to La Flor.
“Why not? J.Lo dresses like this on the red carpet. And, I look a lot better than she,” said La Flor.
“It’s your show,” I said as I followed La Flor into the courtroom.
The bailiff reached for his angina pills. The district attorney dropped her brief case spilling her files onto the floor. Another bailiff rushed to the railing to open it for La Flor, then let it close on me.
I made my way to the defense table. She whispered to me, “It’s already working.”
“What?”
“I’m the center of attention. That’s the plan.”
A guard brings TT in and sits him at the table. “What are you looking at?” asked J.Lo, I mean La Flor.
“Uh, ah, uh, oh, nothing,” said the guard and left.
“I love to toy with men. Your species is so easy,” said La Flor.
“Are you going to help me,” begged TT.
“Depends,” said La Flor checking herself out in her mirror.
“On what?” whimpered TT.
“On the compliments I get in court,” said La Flor.
“You’re not going to ask me why I’m hear?” said TT tears running down his cheeks.
“Suck it up, TT. Five to ten will do wonders for you. Think of the great tats you’ll get for free. Think of the inspiration you’ll get from all the nice people you meet,” said La Flor applying lip gloss.
“I don’t want to go to prison. They want me to turn state’s evidence against Big Carmen,” said TT
“A minor detail. I’ll handle it. You’ll be back with the little tramp for dinner,” said La Flor.
“You’re speaking about Carmela, right?” I said.
“You know another tramp?” said La Flor.
“All rise, honorable Henry Fleeze presiding,” said the bailiff.
I tugged gently at La Flor’s arm to help her rise. I didn’t want to tear off what little of clothes she was wearing.
“Leave me alone, I’ve got to finish this nail,” said La Flor.
The judge and bailiff glared at La Flor. She ignored them. She finished using her emery board and placed it back into her handbag, then looked at the judge and bailiff, “You boys can sit so we can get this done.”
“Before I hold you in contempt, who are you?”
La Flor nudged me, “She’s the beautiful, tough, and edgy defense attorney,” I said.
“Who are you?” asked the judge.
“I created her, but she’s taken on a life of her own. I’m her as her legal assistant.”
“What she doing now?” demanded the judge.
“I think she posting to one of her many social media outlets.”
“Do you have a name?” he said to La Flor.
“Don’t use that tone of voice with me, fleas,” said La Flor.
“It’s Judge Fleeze,” said Judge Fleeze.
“Trying to impress me that you know your name?” La Flor turned to the courtroom, “Does anyone here not know their name?” No one raised their hand. La Flor added, “Case closed.”
“I’m going to have you removed from the court,” stammered the judge.
“You can’t,” said La Flor.
“And, why can’t I?” asked the judge.
“To start with, I’m eye candy. You’re staring at me. And, Ray will write you right out of here and send you back to wherever you came from. It’s his blog, you know.”
“It’s your blog,” asked the judge.
“Yes sir,” I said.
“Could you get me reassigned to the State Supreme Court. It’s always been my dream,” pleaded the judge.
“On one condition,” said La Flor.
“What’s that?” asked Judge Fleeze.
“You release TT and drop all charges and criticize the district attorney for her stupid hairdo.”
“Done, all charges dropped against TT and he is released immediately. DA Henson, you need to change stylists. Terrible doo.”
With that TT went home to Carmela, La Flor and I walked out of court into the black stretch limo, and Judge Fleeze became a judge on the State Supreme Court.
