funny

Wine Makes The Sun Shine

by

The Fab Four, AKA, La Flor, Little Carmen, Carmela, and TT, are sitting with me at a corner table at Marzelli’s Trattoria. Geno Marzelli, older, stooped, wearing a silk, handmade Italian suit comes to our table carrying a bottle of expensive wine.

Skip that, I’m rewriting the scene.

“No, you can’t. I don’t want to change a thing. Don’t ruin everything,” said La Flor with a voice sharp enough to slice a hunk of parmesan cheese.

“I don’t want to be part of the mob. I don’t want you to have hot merchandise. I doing a total rewrite.”

“I’m on strike. Who said anything about mob? Not me. Not Big Carmen. Not Pepper. Not Whale. Not the 5th,” said La Flor.

“And, may I add 2 + 3 doesn’t always make 4,” said Little Carmen.

“Huh,” said La Flor, Carmela, TT, and me.

“I’m going to have you becoming a nun and going to South America to live high in the Andes,” I said.

“You are sick. TT call Dr. Phil or somebody over there. We need an intervention and we need it now,” said La Flor trying to play Mozart’s piano concerto without a piano.

“May I intervention to bring this statement to a concluding (I think Geno meant to say, stalemate), said Geno Marzelli.

“We all turned to him. Wine makes the sun shine. It makes the grass green. It makes the birds sing. I give you my best wine. Besides, the beautiful, tough and edgy eye candy is the apples in my eye.” Geno places the wine on the table, bows to La Flor and walks away.

“I think he’s the 5th,” I said.

“Leave it alone, Ray. Do you see how nice Geno was to me? Are you jealous? Of course you are. You could take lessons from him, and so could you, LC.”

“Use wants  me to starts practicing bow wowing?” said Little Carmen.

“Yes, and think of ditching the Carmen’s Pizzeria T-shirts with a pepperoni pizza on the back.”

“But I gots a box full, there must be a hundred in there. What am I going to do with them?” asked Little Carmen.

“Do I have to think of everything? My job description says I only have to be eye candy, look beautiful, tough, and edgy. It’s taking all my time.”

“Yah!” said Carmela.

“Ditto,” whispered TT not loud enough for Little Carmen to hear him.

“I thought you rescued me. Instead, you sold me out,” I said gesturing a finger at La Flor.

“Oh Ray. How simple minded you are. Read your job description, out loud please so we all can help you.”

La Flor telling me what to do? I created her. I take a Carmen’s Pizzeria to go menu from the inside pocket of my silk Italian suit. I turn it over because it is on the back side where my job description is written. I start, “Large sausage pizza with Carmen’s special sauce, fourteen seventy-five. Order before seven and get a cannoli.”

“That’s use job description? I thought it was mine,” said Little Carmen.

“Apparently so,” I said.

“Ray, read between the lines, not the menu. Didn’t you listen to Big Carmen? He’s really, very, very, very, smart and handsome,” said La Flor.

“Is he is handsome as his only son,” asked Little Carmen.

“Oh my baby hunk, don’t be insecure. I’m wearing your rock. I have your fur coat. And, might I say keep the furnishings coming.”

“All of which are being donated to the poor today. We’ll stop by the church,” I said.

“No!”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“I’m doing it right now. We suddenly found ourselves at St. Mary’s. We all went to the small building in back of the church that took donations for the poor.”

“Please stop writing. In the name of all that’s good, please stop,” pleaded La Flor.

La Flor, the generous, beautiful, tough, and edgy woman, handed her $10,000 fur coat to the nun taking donations.

“Not my coat!” she hollered.

La Flor seeing the look of gratitude on the nun’s eyes, handed her the $5000 hand crafted black leather boots with spike heels.

“Not my boots!” La Flor shouted.

La Flor, a walking saint, takes off the hot ring and hands it to the nun, “I hope this will help buy food for the hungry,” she said.

“You are the most generous, wonderful, kind, and compassionate woman I’ve met in a long time,” said Sister Monica.

“It’s hard, Sister living in the same house with self-centered, cheap, Ray.

“I understand,” said Sister Monica glaring at me. She turned back to La Flor, “If they give you anymore hot merchandise, bring it over here where it will do some good. Now go back to being eye candy. It keeps those guys calm.

“Thank you, Sister. Now let’s get back to Geno’s I need some wine.”

Can you follow this story? I’m having trouble.

I look at the back of the menu again. She’s right. Between the lines of the menu, are some small words printed with a ball point pen, the hotel variety kind. I read them to the Fab Four, “Use do’s a good job and use gets a bonus on top of the bonus. Don’t ask no question on what use is to do, jus do it. If use don’t know what use is supposed to do, use can clam (yes, it was written clam instead of claim) use is crazy and get off light.”

“See, it’s simple. Anyone can do that job and you’ll finally be making a contribution to society instead of blabbing about me and my entourage on your blog.”

I want to say lots of things. My lips won’t work. My vocal chords are in the Arctic circle and it’s December 21. I feel like I’m hyperventilating when a hand crashes into my back, my forehead hits the table and bounces back.

I hear La Flor say, “Big Carmen how do you get more handsome every time I see you. You make my heart flutter.”

“Beautiful, tough, and edgy one, use the one making my heart turn into chicken cacciatore.”

Big Carmen tells a guy at the table next to us to find another chair. He takes the guy’s chair and pulls it in between La Flor and me. He puts his right arm around me and pulls me tight to him, “Use pulled it off with use intellectual wit, Ray.”

I summon my courage, I said, “What does your organization do?”

“We helps the poor. The unfortunate. The underpriviledged. And, of course ourselves. Use hear what I am saying? We are a charitable organization.”

“You are?”

He whispers, “Dat was for the Feds. Use every heard of Robbing Hood?”

“Robin Hood?” I corrected.

“What I say? We do the same ting. Use is going to manage it cause I’m too busy with my pizzeria.”

I look at TT who’s looking at Carmela. I said, “Why not TT as your manager. Keep it in the family. He’s hot for your godchild, Carmela.”

“Use don’t mind? Use not gonna take it personal?”

“Me? Never.”

“Where does that leave me?” asked La Flor.

“Sipping coffee on the patio with me.”

 

Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga Sang For Us

by

I’m sitting at the table. My yogurt, oatmeal, fruit sit in from of me. My cup of hot dark roast coffee in my hand. Everyone is sleeping. I turn on my iPad and tap the USA Today app to check the headlines. Everything is normal. Chaos in Washington. Chaos in Europe. Chaos in the Middle East. Chaos in Asia. I click on sports, the Sox beat the Yanks in the first game of a crucial three-game series. I click on local news. Two headlines grab my attention:

Thieves Hit Steinberg’s Jewelry Boutique Cleaned Out In Overnight Heist

Strange Breakin at the Museum of Rare Small Boxes

My right-hand starts shaking. I set my coffee down spilling some on the table. Will La Flor be sporting a Steinberg’s classic diamond? I enter into stage one, denial. Impossible. Big Carmen wouldn’t do this. Lil Carlo is too old to try. Little Carmen, not smart enough. I feel better. Until . . .

“Ray, Ray, Ray look at my ring?” La Flor prances into the dining room in her pajamas. Her right hand extended in front of her. I’m nearly blinded by the flashes of light given off by a ring so large I can’t see her knuckle.

“Ray, Ray, Ray look at La Flor’s ring,” said La Flor’s echo, AKA Carmela.

“Did I do good, Ray-mo?” asked Little Carmen.

“Can I get you coffee C,” said TT to Carmela.

C? TT and C?

La Flor sidled up next to me and whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry, TT is practice. He doesn’t stand a chance.”

“When did Little Carmen give you the ring?” I asked.

“You missed it. It was so romantic. I thought Carmela and TT were going to pass out.”

“Where did this happen? How did it happen? You sure it’s not hot?”

“Think like a romantic, Ray. You’re tabloid, hemorrhoid, anthropoid, and typhoid,” La Flor said with a hint of edge.

“Did you mean paranoid?”

“Toss that one in too,” she said.

“Where did you get those words?”

“We played Scrabble after our Romantic dinner.”

“Scrabble after an evening of romance?”

“It was TT’s idea. Never listen to him. He has no clue. Good thing LC made him help me so I could win,” said La Flor.

“He was playing against you. Yet, you made him help you?”

“I didn’t. LC did. We went to Carmen’s Pizzeria for our romantic date.”

“A pizzeria?”

“Yes. He closed it just for the four of us. He had a four-piece band and Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga sang for us.”

“Bennett and Gaga?”

“What’d I say? Big Carmen brings out a hot pizza with all my favorite toppings, cooked the way I like it, and a bottle of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild 1945.”

I ask Siri what that bottle of wine costs. Siri replies, “23 grand. Enjoy.”

“I’m worth every cent. On top of the pizza is a little wooden stand in the middle. On the wooden stand is a small expensive rare box that one can only find at a guarded museum that is probably worth more than everything you own. LC picks up the box. Opens it. And, gives it to me.”

“Did he ask you to marry him?”

“Details, Ray. Details. I’m a big picture woman.”

“He put this rock on my finger. You’ll have to cut my finger off to take it from me.”

I want to ask, “Did it come with a gift receipt? Did Amazon deliver it?”

“You didn’t hear the best part,” La Flor said.

“I didn’t?”

“Big Carmen comes over and gives me a hug. Then he goes and gives Tony Bennett a hug. Then he hugs Lady Gaga.”

“That’s the best part?”

“No, after he whispered something to them, Tony and Lady Gaga came over to request my autograph.”

“Huh?”

 

I’m The Trend Setter

by

“La Flor I need your total attention. Please put your iPhone away,” I said.

“Why do we have to do this at Panera? This is not a La Flor kind of place. I need places with an uppity feel,” La Flor complained.

“Like a wine shop?”

“That’s a start in the right direction,” she said.

“The more you concentrate, the quicker we’ll get this done and you can do whatever beautiful, tough, and edgy women do,” I said.

“See, this is the problem with you,” La Flor nipped at my heels.

“What? What did I say to offend you?”

“There are some beautiful women. There are some tough women. There are some edgy women. But there is only one beautiful, tough, and edgy woman. Need I say more?”

“I apologize for my oversight,” I said.

“I’m not sure if I’ll accept it. We’ll see how this conversation goes.”

“I’ll cut to the chase. You don’t want the ring Little Carmen is going to give you.”

“I don’t want a ring a really, really big ring? I don’t want really, really expensive ring? And, I don’t want to be the envy of all the alt ego women? What is wrong with you?”

“For starters, it’s probably hot. A close second, do you really want to marry Little Carmen?”

“Marry? Marry Little Carmen? Who said anything about that? I didn’t. I only want the ring.”

“He thinks he proposed.”

“That’s his problemo. I going to speak in Spanish in case he is listening. Understand, mi perro?”

“I am not your dog. Big Carmen wants to know the date,” I said.

“Tell him to look at his phone’s calendar,” she said. Then she added. “Don’t you dare spoil me getting that ring.”

“It’s hot.” I said.

“Of course it’s hot. Everyone will want one just like it because I have it. I am the trend setter. Where have you been the last few weeks?” asked La Flor.

“What about Big Carmen and Lil Carlo?” I said.

“What about them? They’re sweet, kind, gentle. They wouldn’t hurt a flea. Are we done? I told LC he needs to buy me a completely new wardrobe if I’m to wear the ring he is giving me.”

“You’re digging a hole you’re not going to be able to climb out of,” I said.

“I can’t figure it out, Ray.”

“What?”

“What Big Carmen saw in you to offer you a wonderful career opportunity.”

I’m Not Managerial Material

by

I’m tired of the drama. I’ve got more drama than the White House and Congress combined. If it’s not La Flor, it’s Carmela who’s taken up residence. If it’s not one of the girls, it’s Little Carmen. And, now, TT is love struck. He purchased a notebook and doodles big hearts, little hearts and every kind of heart in between. TT + Carmela. Carmela + TT TLF. Oh, give me a break.

You want to know about the ring? Cousin Carl asked for an extra day. It had something to do with getting the boys together. A group of guys shopping for a ring for Little Carmen? I know. I’m naive.

Anyway, los cuatro amigos are out for a handsome carriage ride down by the Riverwalk. They’ll get in when they get in. I’m going to start the next season of my favorite series on Netflix. Remember how Big Carmen ruined the finale. At least he didn’t tell me how the next season started. I ordered a pizza from Struzzerio’s Deep Dish. Big Carmen doesn’t make deep dish and I’m craving it. I get it loaded with veggies. And, the sauce, the sauce is so good I’ll scrape the cardboard box to get every drop of it.  I’ll add extra cardio at the Y tomorrow.

I have my pizza. I bought Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. I have my diet soda to balance the Chunky Monkey. Everything is arranged on my coffee table. My cell is turned off. Netflix is on, and I push play. Life is good. Until . . .

“Hey, Ray. I bring use pizza so’s we can watch the Sox tonight against the Yanks.”

He’s in my house? How? Why? The door was locked. The shades are drawn. The TV is on low. I slide Struzzerio’s deep dish under the sofa.

Big Carmen walks into the living room carrying two extra large pizzas. A small box marked cannoli. And, another box marked, breadsticks and sauce. He said, “If the game goes into extra’s I’m gonna call Antonio to bring us more food.”

“Who’s Antonio?”

“Just a guy from the neighborhood who owes me a favor. He’s working the shop tonight because I got to be good to the man who taught my Little Carmen to talk like the angels, to sing like Pavarotti, to write like Dante.”

“I did?”

“Don’t be bashful. His beautiful, tough, and edgy woman is hot for him, It’s a marriage made on the plaza in heaven next to the pizzeria.”

“Don’t take this personal, Big Carmen. But, my doors were locked. How did you get in?”

“Use beans serious?” asked Big Carmen.

I nodded.

“Let me splain something to use. Use got a lock. The locks no good if use can’t open it. Am I right?”

What choice did I have? “You’re right.”

“See, use is flowing with my logic. If a lock is meant to be opened, why not open it. This is a value I live by.”

“It’s a core value. I can see that,” I said.

“For some reason, my pizza smells extra good tonight. I got to thanks Antonio. He used to work for Struzzerio’s until I told him not to work for Struzzerio.”

“You don’t like Struzzerio?” I asked while I tried to push Struzzerio’s deep dish deeper under the sofa.

“It goes way back. Maybe seven or eleven generations. I like Angelo. He’s okay. It’s his great, great, great grandfather I can’t stand.”

“Do you know his great, great, great grandfather?”

“No. I don’t have to know him to not like him. You see what I’m saying?”

I nod to move the conversation on and get to the pizza.

“Ray. I owes use a big, maybe huge, maybe gigantic favor. Use see where I’m going with this?”

“Un uh,” I said.

“Let’s look at use career. Use is going nowhere fast. This frog thing use is doing. . . .”

“Do you mean blog?” I asked.

“That’s what I said, frog. Now don’t uninterrupt my thoughting.”

I nod.

“I want to offers use a managerial position in a business not too many people knows about.”

“Is this Amway?” I said. Why I said this, I have no clue.

“I knows my way, if that’s what use is asking. But my managerial position has to do with procurement, delivery, and collections. Use don’t do any of the heavy lifting. One of the perks I offer is to have use house swept for bugs every hour. That way use don’t have bugs if use know I means. And, another big plus, is use get to have Lil Carlo as use assistant.”

Is he asking me what I think he is asking me, but I don’t want to put it in print in case an agency with three letters wants to talk to me. I’m feeling dizzy. I think I’m hyperventilating. Big Carmen whacks me on my back hard enough to knock my eyeballs into the next county.

“I sees use are overwhelmed at my generous offer, which I know use can’t refuse. I’m talking six, seven figures. Use own chauffeur, who carries. See where I’m going?”

Straight to the big house, I’m thinking.

La Flor is marrying into this family. The crazy thing is, I like Big Carmen even if I think he’s nuts.

I change the subject, “Let’s open the pizza. I’m starving.”

“I see use was going to watch Netflickers and seasons 3. Let me tells use how the cliffhanger works out.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to watch my Netflix series without a spoiler alert. And, I’m not managerial material.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Catch & Release

by

“La Flor, do you think it’s wise for you to mentor Carmela? One of you is about all the alt ego world can handle,” I said.

“Ray, if all the people in the world were like me, the world would be a better place. I’m doing my part to make that happen. Do you think I’ll win a Noble Prize (yes, she said Noble instead of Nobel – I’m only writing what I hear).

“I’m sure it is Nobel not Noble. You know the difference, right?”

“Of course I know the difference. Nobel means no bells. Noble is the thing I should win,” said an adamant La Flor.

“Looks like you got it figured out,” I said.

“Move over, Ray, my protege is here.”

“A minny me? I asked.

“No, she is not a minny you. You don’t have the right stuff that Carmela is looking for, Ray,” said La Flor.

“What is the right stuff? I thought I was pretty good,” I said.

“Three words, Ray. And, you don’t qualify.”‘

“I hear an inner voice repeating them to me,” I said.

“Let me help your inner voice. Beautiful, tough, edgy. They’re so far removed from you, you can’t see them with the Bubble telescope.”

“Do you mean Hubble?” I said.

“Don’t change the subject,” she said. Then added, “Girlfriend come over. I’ve straightened Ray out.”

“Hey, my posture’s good. I don’t need a chiropractor,” I said.

“Oh La Flor, you are the master. You weren’t even breathing hard when you put Ray in his place.”

“You are so smart but not as smart as me, Carmela. Now, I want you to flirt with TT, then let him down.”

I stepped in. TT never hurt anyone. Let’s not play with his emotions,” I said.

“Ray, beautiful, tough, and edgy rules, it’s called catch and release.”

“Just like the fishing places?” I said.

Exactly.

 

 

 

You Call This Mentoring?

by

La Flor and Carmela sit on the deck overlooking the large pool and tennis court at Big Carmen’s 6000 square foot home. Big Carmen can’t swim or play tennis, but the guy who donated the home to him did. A bottle of white wine is on the table between La Flor and Carmela. Their glasses partially filled.

“I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you as my mentor La Flor. I want to be just like you.”

“We’ll have to work on your makeup, clothes, voice, walk, diet, and attitude. In short, Carmela, you need a total makeover and your mentor is going to point the way,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen lays in a lounge chair off to the side. He perks up when he hears La Flor’s voice. La Flor’s voice. He called over, “Who’s mental? Use guys needs some help?”

La Flor glanced at him, then bent closer to Carmela, “Lesson one, sometimes you have to overlook certain weakness because he’s just so handsome.” Then she sat back and looked at Little Carmen, “We’re okay, play with your iPad.”

“I’m hear (that’s what he said) if use needs me.”

Carmela gets out of her seat, goes around the table and hugs La Flor. Tears are streaming down her face, “You are so kind, so generous, so everything good, and can I add so wise with men.”

“I know. I know. Now let go of me. I don’t want your mascara ending up on my shirt. I spent an hour getting my makeup right. I hope you didn’t smudge it with the hug. Ask permission next time before you hug me. I usually take hugs by appointment. Not on weekends or Tuesdays, they are my rest days,” said La Flor.

“I’m sorry,” said Carmela.

“Since it’s your first day being mentored, I’ll let it slide,” said La Flor.

“Can I hug you again, you are the kindest person I know,” said Carmela.

“No, it’s Tuesday. But, you can tell all your friends on social media how good I am to you. Pay attention to what I do now,” said La Flor.

“Should I take notes?” said Carmela.

“Good idea because I give pop quizzes.”

Carmela takes out her iPhone, presses the Notes app and waits for La Flor.

“LC. LC.”

“Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy mentor,” said Little Carmen.

“Nothing. I wanted to make sure you’re paying attention to cater to my every whim.”

“Like cheese on sauce, red on tomatoes, green on oregano, pepperoni on Camen’s Pizzeria Saturday night special for five ninety-one and free delivery.”

“Tomorrow we’ll kick it up a notch.”

“I can’t wait.”

 

Don’t Confuse the Confused

by

“We done here?  I need a vacation, I’m burned out,” said La Flor.

“Use takes all the times use needs to refurnish your membranes. Use were awesome beautiful, tough, and edgy whatever. After the first ad ran I couldn’t make pizza fast enough. It’s a good ting Tony Caruso owes me a fav an he shut down his pizzeria for the night to help me out,” said Big Carmen. He added, “I gots one fav to ask? Well, come to tink of it, that is unless a third percolates in my memory.”

I’m sure Little Carmen was home schooled seeing how he speaks perfect Big Carmen English.

“I’ll do it if it’s not too much trouble. It’s hard being a working girl. Now I understand how the big time models who are not as beautiful as me, or as nice as me, or as intelligent as me look like they need a Frappuccino,” said La Flor.

“Dis is my foist fav.”

“Yes, what’s the second fav?” asked La Flor.fav?”

“What’d she say?” asked Big Carmen to no one and everyone.

“Yes,” said Little Carmen.

“I’m talking about the second part, not the first part. Don’t go confusing the confused,” said Big Carmen.

TT waved his arm, “What’s use want pinky pole?”

TT’s brain was working overtime trying to process pinky pole. TT knew he wasn’t Polish so Big Carmen couldn’t have meant Pol. What other kinds of pol could there be, maybe a politician? Yet, he wasn’t a politician. He looked around the room for something pink, something pol. He came up empty.

“What chu looking for? No body gonna come and pulls your skinny butt out of the pizza oven,” said Big Carmen.

“The beautiful, tough, edgy and burned out super model said yes,” said Little Carmen.

“Use is repeating the repeated, LL. Use don’t has the second part, which is more important than the first part. Now, I’m gonna ask my second fav,” said Big Carmen.

“I want’s use to meets my godchild by my friend Mario who owes me many favs and he just added a big one because he hasn’t done a fav for me,” said Big Carmen.

“Why do I get all the hard stuff?” bemoaned La Flor.

“This leads me to the turd fav,” said Big Carmen (yes, he said turd).

“What is the turd fav? You know you owe me big time for doing turd favs for you?”

La Flor is the master of the suck up as well as the master of many other wonderful gifts as as well.

“I know I owes use, beautiful, tough, edgy and I owes use a big fav,” said Big Carmen.

“As long as we got it straight, you handsome beyond all measures father of LC,” said La Flor.

“Big Bro, she’s got a way with the words. They spell binds me,” said Lil Carlo.

“Use is righteous, Lil Carlo. La Flor’s I wants use to mentor my godchild, Carmela. She’s waiting in the tomato sauce pantry. Use can tell she was named after some big shot.”

“Oh kay,” La Flor drew out the ‘Oh’ for five seconds and clanged the symbols on ‘kay.”

“What’s Pinky pole doing with his arm in the air?” asked Lil Carlo.

“I dunno. I tinks he gots to go number one or number two or number three, which is what I don’t want to know,” said Big Carmen.

“Hold it Pinky,” said Lil Carlo.

“Hey Carmela, get use selfie out here to meets use mentor,” hollered Big Carmen.

A smaller, younger, but not too much younger splitting image of La Flor walked out of the tomato pantry. She saw La Flor. She stopped. She gasped. She threw her hands over her heart, “Oh, La Flor. You are the most admired woman in the world. I want to be just like you. I try to look and dress like you, but no one can capture you exactly,” said Carmela.

“Come on over, girlfriend. Let’s go out for some wine and girl talk,” said La Flor.

“Can I come?” asked Little Carmen.

“LC, you drive. Wait in the car. Don’t bother us.”

“Okay.”

 

Use My Good Side

by

“How many times do I have to tell you LC, take the photos and video from my good side,” La Flor barking orders like a Marine drill sergeant.

(Note: after La Flor’s complaints about not getting top billing in dialogue I had no choice but to start today’s blog with her).

“But beautiful, tough, edgy and sexy and spicy model for Carmen’s Pizzeria use only has good sides,” pleaded Little Carmen.

“That’s true. A little English 101, LC, good, better, best. Comprehende? Only use my best sides. Good is not good enough and better is for losers,” La Flor fired at Little Carmen.

Off to the side, Big Carmen and Lil Carlo kibitz, “This is what I likes about the beautiful, tough, edgy and more popular than my pepperoni special on Super Bowl Sunday.”

“Big Bro, do use has to toss the salad for your establishment every time use mentions her,” said Lil Carlo.

“What I tell you about the cliches? Enough already. I forgot to mention the pepperoni pizza comes with extra cheese and is seven sixty-three today only.”

“Cut the chatter, LC can’t concentrate,” barked La Flor while checking herself out in the mirror.

“That’s because use is showing too much cleavage, which to me is not a bad thing,” said Big Carmen.

“The kid can’t handle it, Big Bro. She gots him wrapped around her little toe.”

“I agrees with that. Maybe I gots to find a substitute to handle the photos and video. What chu tinks?” said Big Carmen.

“What about the skinny red pencil with the comb over and eye twitch?” suggested twitch?” suggested

TT was standing next to LC holding a poster board that read, “If you want to be beautiful and nice as me, you’ll love Carmen’s Pizza.”

“LC, LC, LC zoom in on my face, por favor,” shrieked La Flor.

“I, keep forgetting too beautiful, tough, and edgy super model,” apologized Little Carmen.

“We gonna take a break and make some changes. Tings are not going as well as I tinks they should be going if use know what I means,” said Big Carmen.

“I know what you mean,” said TT trying his best to suck up to Big Carmen.Carmen.trying his best to suck up to Big Carmen.

“What was not going right?” demanded La Flor.

“Use was perfect, beautiful, tough, edgy and no one better cross your path super model. I was speaking about the photographer and I am going to make a switch.”

“What photographer?” said Little Carmen.

“The only one we got,” answered Big Carmen.

“I take great photos, can I take his place? Let me show you my work I did today,” said Little Carmen. He holds up his iPhone to Big Carmen.

“Dis is a family blog, delete those photos.”Dis is a family blog, delete those photos.”

“But Big Carmen, they’re all of the beautiful, tough, and edgy, brighter than the brightest star woman?”

“Delete or use knows what’s gonna happen.”

“Darn it.”

“Use is regulated to holding the poster board and TT gonna take use place. Gives him the iPhone.”

“My new, nobody in the world but me has one, iPhone? No. Please, No,” pleaded Little Carmen.

“That’s the one. Go get your Android.”

“Not my Android.”

“It’s all about me, remember,” shouted La Flor.

“Opps,” Big Carmen, Little Carmen, and TT said. Lil Carlo didn’t say anything, He was studying the horses for the fifth race at Pimlico.

Will the photo shoot ever end? Will Little Carmen get his new iPhone back? Will Lil Carlo pick a winner? Will La Flor ever be happy with any photo or video? So many questions. Did I mention Big Carmen’s sister Carmela?

 

 

It’ll Be An Oscar Performance

by

“How did you sleep last night,” I asked La Flor knowing her Carmen’s Pizzeria photo shoot took place today.

“I didn’t. I am so, so, so, excited. It’s my chance at the big time, Ray. The whole enchilada. It’s going to be the Super Bowl of photo shoots,” La Flor acting more like she drank a couple of Red Bulls.

“Did you drink a Red Bull last night?” I asked.

“No. I did not drink a Red Bull last night,” she answered.

“How many, give it up,” I said.

“I stopped counting at six. I had to stay awake to practice posing.”

“In front of the mirror?” I asked.

“No. I made LC and TT watch me. Every time I drank a Red Bull I made them drink one too,” she said.

“Where are they? They’re usually closer than your shadow. The Red Bulls didn’t bother TT’s caffeine intolerance,” I said.

“Minor problem. LC had to take TT to the ER.  For some unexplained reason he broke out in hives, and his pulse rate was over 200. Good thing LC watches reruns of ER so he knows what to do,” said La Flor.

“You made him drink Red Bull with his intolerance?”

“Not me, I asked LC to make him drink them. Not to worry. They pumped out his stomach. His color returned from a flaming red to a gorgeous deep pink. I’m changing the subject to something more important.”

“What’s more important than TT’s health?”

“My photo shoot, silly,” said La Flor. She added, “The boys will meet us at the pizzeria after the stomach pumping. LC is taking the photo’s and TT is going to hold up cards with my lines.”

“LC is taking the photo’s.”

“Everything is working out perfectly. He has the new iPhone. You know the special secret one that’s coming out in the fall.”

“Can LC take good photos? How did he get the new iPhone? Who’s writing the script for TT to hold?” My heads going around faster than a tilt-a-whirl.

“Are you on Instagram? Check out the photo’s LC posted of me? I have zillions of likes. Next question. Big Carmen has a friend who owes him a favor. This friend has a friend who owes him a favor. You keep going down the chain and Big Carmen delivers. I think that’s a good line for a commercial. What do you think?”

“I got to give it to you, La Flor. Big Carmen delivers is a great line. Now about the script.”

“I am so lucky, lucky, lucky everything turns out right for me. I told LC to write the script for the photo shoot while TT was having his stomach pumped out. LC has a way with words if you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed,” I said.

“How do you plan to dress for the photo shoot?”

“I discussed that with Big Carmen,” said La Flor.

“First of all, he wants me to be myself.”

“Beautiful, tough, and edgy?”

“That goes without saying. He suggested I show enough cleavage to get guys to watch the ad, but not enough to make the mom’s demand the channel be changed. I’m also going to wear a short, tight, black leather skirt, and stilettos. It’ll be an Oscar performance.”

“An Oscar for your role in an ad for Carmen’s Pizzeria?”

“Yes. But keep it secret. You know how rumors spread around the alt ego circus.”

“We’s home beautiful, tough, and edgy next Oscar winner.”

“TT, you look worse than a corpse. What happened?” said La Flor.

“TT’s lobotomy is in a slight delay. It’s like his plane is circling the airport and can’t land, if use know what I mean,” said Little Carmen.

A blank look crossed La Flor’s face.

I said, “Did they sedate him?”

“No. I did. I gave him a couple of knockout drops because he was too hyper. He’s slowly coming out of it.”

“I’m ready to shoot now. Will TT be ready? He looks like a zombie, which is worse than a corpse,” said La Flor.

“I got’s a solvent to the problem,” said Little Carmen.

“What?” said La Flor.

“Ray-mo can hold the cards. I printed big enough with Crayola crayons so’s use can read them,” said Little Carmen.

I answered, “I’ll do it until TT wakes up. Can I look at the cards?”

“No, use will spoils the sauce with some stuff use think is smarter, but which is not smarter when it comes to selling the sauce, if use knows what I means.”

Come back tomorrow for the photo shoot – I think. Maybe the day after. You know how it is with this gang.

 

 

When Does The Photo Shoot Start?

by

What happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas.

The four of us are out for free pizza courtesy of Big Carmen.

“It’s a good ting my daddy is generous to us seeing he knows I spents a lot of cash on the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman in Vegas. And, it was all worth it,” said Little Carmen. I give the boy credit for a quick recovery. I want to high five him, but decide not to.

I give the boy credit for a quick recovery. I want to high five him, but decide not to.

“Who’s your daddy?” asked TT.

TT needs some work on his street smarts. It’s a toss up if he’ll survive the rough and tumble world of the alt egos.

“Are you clueless?” asked La Flor. “Who do you think sired this hunk?” La Flor now stroking the dark black hair of her well trained Little Carmen.

“Did he says ‘who’s my daddy?” Little Carmen makes squeezing motions with his fists., he needs a clue, beautiful, tough, edgy and I

“Easy, easy, big fellow. He doesn’t understand the way of the world like my hunk,” said La Flor.

“For use, I will give him a clue,” said Little Carmen. His voice about as suck up as a masculine male voice can sound.

TT acted as if he was the recipient of a series of electrical prods. He squirmed non stop. His hives spread across his neck rising to his cheeks. Both eyes twitching. His knees jerking.

“Do use have hemorrhoidals, TT? asked Little Carmen.

“I love it when TT gets nervous. He changes colors so quickly,” said La Flor.

“Uh, no.”

“Then whys use squirming like a bug on an anchovy pizza?” asked Little Carmen.

I interrupted, “TT has never met Big Carmen. He doesn’t know Big Carmen is your daddy,” I said.

“It’s okay, Ray. LC knows I love it when TT gets nervous. Look at him move. He could be on America’s Got Talent,” said La Flor.

“I’s gonna interest him to my daddy, utterwise (yes, he said, utterwise and interest instead of introduce) who is known to all, including me as Big Carmen,” said Little Carmen. Then he hollered toward the counter, “Big Carmen, if use can spare us a moment or four, can use come over? I want use to meet TT.”

“Lemmie finish this pie, Little Carmen. Since you’ve been with, and don’t get me wrong, the beautiful dish who is sitting next to use and I don’t mean, Ray, I has to work twice, maybe six times as hard making pizza. This is because I don’t have no quality help around here,” Big Carmen hollered from behind the counter.

“What happened to cousin Ernie? He didn’t work out?” asked Little Carmen.

“Ernie was working out fine. He was even doing deliveries for me. How’s I to know that he was casing houses when he delivered pizza. If I’d know that I would not have him doing deliveries. Now, the cops are detaining him until bail can be posted. I will not bail his sorry butt out. I will let Rogerio bail out his son.”

“Where’s Rogerio gonna come up with the cash?” asked Little Carmen.

“Not to worry. I loaned it to him at a favorable interest rate,” said Big Carmen.

TT said, “That’s your dad? He won’t hurt me, right?”

“Why’s he gonna hurt use? Use swiping the sugar or pepper packets? Maybe use is swiping the sugar substitute packets. If use is doing this, give them up now and I will speak in your behalfs,” said Little Carmen.

“I, I never stole anything. Honest,” TT’s voice a tick below high C. His right knee timed out at ninety-three miles an hour.

Big Carmen strolled over, “How’s the most beautiful girl on the planet doing?” He ignored the rest of us.

“If you were only twenty years younger, I’d dumped LC,” smiled La Flor.

“Use gonna dump me for Big Carmen,” a note of panic in Little Carmen’s voice.

“I said if Big Carmen is twenty years younger, LC. You don’t have to worry unless Big Carmen can make himself twenty years younger.”

“Big Carmen, use is not going to make useself twenty years younger, promise me that,” begged Little Carmen.

“No, I will do use that favor. But’s I have a big favor. I mean a really, really, really big favor I to ask this beautiful woman. If she says yes, I will be in her debt and possibly yours. But I will not be in Ray’s debt or in the skinny radish with the high pitched voice. Doesn’t he have any use knows what?”

“They was twisted in a misunderstanding, Big Carmen,” said Little Carmen. “I am hoping they get better of their own accordion.”

La Flor’s interest is piqued, “What is it BC?”

“I wants use to be the public Image of Carmen’s Pizzeria. I will plaster your beautiful image all over this city and television. When peoples see use, they will thinks Carmen’s Pizzeria. Can we make a deal that will be generous to two faults for use?”

“I need time to think it over,” said La Flor.

“How much times do use need?” asked Big Carmen.

“It’s a deal. When do we do the photo shoot?” she said.

A photo shoot? La Flor, the image of Carmen’s Pizzeria? Where is this all leading?

 

 

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