Humor Blog

Dilated Pupils, Mercury Sunglasses, and a Bug on Steroids

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Who knew an annual eye exam could feel like a space mission gone wrong?

I went for my annual eye exam. I know it’s important, however, I’d prefer to eat a habanero pepper if I had a choice. Everything went well until a liquid was put in my eyes that made the pupils dilate. I was ready for the dilation, or I thought I was ready. I took a pair of sunglasses that would protect my eyes if I lived on Venus or Mercury. When I stepped outside with my glasses on I thought I was living the planet Mercury instead of planet Earth. The glare was so bright I was fumbling for the door handle on the rear bumper. Fortunately, the traffic was light on my way home. Traffic lights looked like huge glowing red or green circles. Brake lights looked like a bug on nuclear waste steroids. When I got home I checked my eyes in my bathroom mirror. The pupils looked like dish saucers. No computer work for a while. No scrolling through social media apps on my iPhone. What did they do to me in the name of good eye health? They said. at the end, my eyes were great, see you in a year. In the meantime, I will not contact Space X and request a seat on the next rocket to Venus or Mercury.

😂 Humorous Points to Ponder

  • If sunglasses make you look like a space traveler, do you still need TSA clearance?
  • Are brake lights supposed to resemble mutant bugs—or is that just the dilation talking?
  • Should eye doctors warn patients that they’ll be starring in their own sci-fi flick afterward?
  • If my pupils were the size of saucers, why didn’t NASA call me for telescope duty?
  • Next year, should I just eat the habanero pepper instead and skip the dilation drama?

The Golden Gaslight Awards: Honoring Ego, Insecurity, and Really Loud Cars

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Forget the Oscars. Forget the Emmys. These awards celebrate the unsung heroes of self-importance—the ones who need a parade for owning a yacht-sized trophy wife or casually dropping their PhD into your coffee.

You can tell how comfortable and self assured a person is with themselves by observing the stuff they have around them. If they need props, trophies, and other symbols of wealth, prestiege, or power you can almost see the little boy or the little girl inside them saying, “Please notice me, I’m important.”

Perhaps we should have a a major award ceremony for people who have the best symbols for their success in personality. I’ll call it The Golden Gaslight Awards. Here the categories . Each winner will get a trophy large enough to make him/her feel even more important.

!. Best trophy wife or girlfriend (Presented to male at least 20 years older than his wife or girlfriend)

2. Best toyboy.(Same requirements as Best Trophy Wife or Girlfriend except the award is presented to a female at least 25 years older than her toyboy)

3. Most popular influencer. (Presented to a person who has over a million followers but makes no money from their Internet fame and still lives with and is supported by parents.

4, Most prestigious academic degrees (Presented to the person who begins every conversation by saying, “I have a Phd).

5. Most Obvious Midlife Crisis Vehicle (Presented to the driver of the loudest, least practical car that screams, “I’m totally fine, why do you ask?”)

6. Excellence in Name-Dropping (Awarded to the person who can work a celebrity, Ivy League, or CEO mention into any conversation—including funerals.)

7. Lifetime Achievement in Humblebragging (“It’s exhausting being this amazing… but someone has to do it.”)

8. Best Curated Bookshelf for Zoom Calls (Given to the person whose unread copy of Ulysses has seen more screen time than they have.)

9. Outstanding Performance in Pretending They Don’t Care About Awards (The irony trophy, of course. Made of recycled ego and polished with denial.)


In the end, remember: true confidence doesn’t need a trophy—’But hey, if you must show off, at least polish your ego before you put it on display.”

Today’s Joke: It Runs in Joe’s Family

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Joe: “My grandfather buried three wives.”

Pete: “That’s rough.”

Joe: “Yah, and two of them were napping.”

Today’s Joke: Joe’s GF Got it Right

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Joe: “My girlfriend asked me if I knew the difference between government bonds and me.”

Pete: “What is the difference?”

Joe: “My girlfriend said that government bonds mature.”

Today’s Joke: Joe’s GF is Spot On

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Joe: “My girlfriend said she figured out why I don’t show my feelings.”

Pete: “What did she say?”

Joe: “She said I don’t show my feelings because I don’t have any.”

Today’s Joke: Joe’s Boss Knows How to Deal With Stress

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Joe: “My boss is really good at handling high stress problems.”

Pete: “I’d like to know how she does that?”

Joe: “She delegates them to me.”

Today’s Joke: Joe Has Doubts About His GF’s Career

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Joe: “I don’t think my girlfriend is smart enough to get through nursing school.”

Pete: “What makes you think that?”

Joe: “When she heard they were going to learn how to draw blood she brought a red crayon to lab.”

Today’s Joke: Joe’s GF Was in an Art Contest

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Joe: “My girlfriend was in an art contest with another artist.”

Pete: “How did she do?”

Joe: “It ended in a draw.”

Today’s Joke: Joe Questions His GF’s Fidelity

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Joe: “I asked my girlfriend if she was seeing someone on the side. I knew immediately she was lying.”

Pete: “You did?”

Joe: “Yes, her lips were moving.”

Today’s Joke: Joe’s a Shift Worker

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Joe: “I got a job as a shift worker at the chess factory.”

Pete: “What shift are you working?”

Joe: “Next week I’m on knights.”

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