humorous

Is My Mascara Running?

by

I sat at the breakfast bar working on a blueberry, banana smoothie. I’m reading a recipe for bean burritos on Pinterest (do I really need to read a recipe on how to make a bean burrito? I’ve got to get a life), I overheard La Flor and her proteges talking. My interest is piqued.

“We are here for you, TT. LC and I are going to help you write your profile on altegomatches.com. You’ll have all the almost as hot as me babes wanting to meet you,” said La Flor.

‘Really? Really? Really, La Flor. Will I finally get a date? Will I meet someone as nice and beautiful and tough and edgy as you?” said TT with a hint of hope in his voice. In case you’re interested, he may be a permanent soprano.

“No. Not possible,” said La Flor.

“I’m not going to get a date?”

“We’ll get you a date, but she won’t be anything like me. She will be self-centered, thinks everyone should cater to her needs, and demands constant attention.”

I wondered for a brief moment if La Flor was speaking about an identical twin.

“I founds their probiotics, beautiful, tough, and edgy idol of men and women,” said Little Carmen (he meant profile).

La Flor relished the mention of idol of men and women. What’s the first question, LC?”

“Use don’t have to answer trutfully, TT, nobody does. If use answer truthfully nobody believes you because everybody twits da trute,” said Little Carmen.

La Flor read the first question, “What is your most attractive feature? We’ll have to lie, TT, you don’t have any.”

TT said, “I think I do. I’m smart. Is that attractive?”

“Heavens no. None of the women that are right for you want someone who is smart. They want someone who is rich.”

“But, but, but, my card is maxed out. I only have thirty-five cents left on my Starbucks app. What will I say?”

“I has an idea, beautiful, tough, and edgy idol of men and women. May I speak it?”

“You have a way with words, LC. What is it?” said La Flor.

“We says TT is going to inherit a million dollars as soon as he takes his rich uncle off life support, which should be in a week,” beamed Little Carmen.

“Huh? I don’t have a rich uncle. I’d never take him off life support if I did,” said TT.

“We’re making it up as we go, TT. The same way Ray writes his blogs. Brilliant, LC. Next question, TT, ‘What are you looking for in the ideal date?'” said La Flor.

“Someone nice. Someone who is kind. Someone who likes to walk in nature and look at sunsets,” said TT.

La Flor and Little Carmen started laughing hysterically. Little Carmen was banging his fist on the table. La Flor said, “Is my mascara running. I can’t stop laughing. Tears are running down my precious cheeks.”

TT said, “Did I say something wrong?”

La Flor back in control of her emotions, said, “The woman you described is only on the old movies channel. Get real, TT. Here’s what you’re looking for. Don’t tell me. I’ll tell you, “Looking for a cougar who wants to meet a young muscular guy with great hair, and veneers.”

“I, I don’t want a live pet,” shrieked TT.

“You really need to think veneers. Maybe Rogaine. LC, we are doing charitable work with TT,” said La Flor.

“What if they want to date me? What will I do?” said TT. He had a hand on his left eye to stop a twitch. His hives were breaking out.

“We’ll cross that T when we comes to a fork in the road,” said Little Carmen.

I honestly think Little Carmen needs help. I’m not sure what kind, but he needs it, pronto.

La Flor said, “Here’s the next question, “What do you like to do.”

“I like to read and watch PBS? This won’t work, will it?” asked TT.

“Use is catching on,” said Little Carmen. He added, “Let’s say he likes to gamble. He’s a bad boy. He rides a motorcycle without a helmet. He likes to get tats on any piece of skin that doesn’t have a tat. And, he says to live is to party.”

“I got it, LC. Word for word. He’ll have the bad babes begging for a date,” said La Flor.

“But, I’m not any of those,” said TT. His body one complete rash.

“Now for your photo,” said La Flor. She turned to Little Carmen, “Pull a few good photos off Google we can add to his profile, LC.”

“Check these three out.” said Little Carmen.

La Flor looks at the photos. “I like this one. This one. and this one. What do you think, TT?”

“You’re putting a photo of a muscular black man. Dr. Oz. And, my former boss, Dr. Phil? on my profile?”

“Does use think he passed out or is taking a nap, wise woman who is also beautiful tough, and edgy?”

“Hard to tell, just in case it’s a nap, let’s not wake him.”

 

Everyone Loves Me

by

I’m a man on a mission. My sanity depends on my success. Failure is not an option. I’m on a mission to help La Flor discover her rightful place in the alt ego universe. If she finds it, her two puppies, Little Carmen and TT will follow her. I will be out of rough waters. I’ll have crossed the bridge. I’ll have parachuted and landed safely. I know I’m mixing metaphors faster than a Ninja blender makes my smoothie; if it makes you nervous, try it, it’s soothing as a mountain stream. Thought I’d toss in a simile.

La Flor and I sat across from each other at the table sipping coffee. I made my own. Little Carmen and TT, her two puppies, did a Starbucks run because La Flor wanted a specialty drink, a caramel macchiato. Little Carmen and TT also sat at the kitchen table across from each other. Little Carmen fixated on his dripping biscotti dunked into a cup holding four shots of espresso. TT sipped a chai latte. They promised not to speak while La Flor and I talked.

“Excuses me,” said Little Carmen holding his biscotti over the top of TT’s chai latte and watching the slow drip, drip, drip of espresso into TT’s drink.

“You promised not to talk,” I said.

“Use didn’t start. I recollected use said, once I starts to speech, no interpreters. Am I right? Besides, I wants to give use a heads up. TT will soon have the bee hives because he is allergics to espresso. Right, TT?”

TT scratched his arm and the back of his neck, then nodded.

I need an interpreter to decipher what Little Carmen said. I said, “Don’t pick on TT. What do you want?”

“It makes TT feels like he is one of us, which he is as long at the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman agrees. Now, use asks what I wants? Nothing. I was seeing if use started,” said Little Carmen. Then he put out his fist to TT for a fist bump. TT initially winced thinking Little Carmen was going to hit him.

I mouthed the words, ‘fist bump’ to him. TT stuck out his skinny forearm with what appeared to be a ball peen hammer at the end. The sledgehammer bumped the ball peen hammer and almost knocked TT over.

“La Flor, what you want to do with your life,” I said.

“Oh, finally getting to me after a bunch of paragraphs. I’m not important enough to start off the blog? And, may I add, only write about me? She said with an edge to her voice.

Little Carmen sensed her hostility the way a German shepherd senses a stranger is within a hundred yards of his home. His ears perked up. The hairs hanging out his large nose shot straight out. He began taking deep breaths and exhaled slowly.

“La Flor say something before I pass out,” I said.

She glanced at Little Carmen, “Easy big fellow. It’s okay. When you breathe, put your hand over your mouth and nose.”

Little Carmen’s ears dropped a notch, his nostril hairs retracted, and he placed his hand over his nose and mouth, thus deflecting his garlic breath.

“Let’s start La Flor, what are your strengths?” This was a good a place as any to start I mistakenly thought.

“Well, I am beautiful. Everyone loves me. Most of the girls are jealous of me. I set the fashion trends. I’m also smart, tough, and edgy. Did I mention, I don’t have an equal?”

“It looks like you qualify for anything you want to be,” I said realizing my mistake thinking an interaction with La Flor was to be meaningful.

“I need to go shopping, let’s get this done, close the chapter, cut to the chase, get out of here, I’m getting the willies cooped up in the slammer,” she said reaching into her handbag and pulling out an emery board and began working on her nails.

I’m usually good on my feet. I can go with the flow. Jump hoops. Wing it. I wondered if I should title this blog Mixing Metaphors.

“Tell me what you want to do with your life besides shop, be adored, have people cater to your every whim,” I said.

“Is there something else to life?” she asked sincerely, then worked on her cuticles.

I looked at Little Carmen, he shrugged. I looked at TT, he shrugged.

La Flor said, “I’m bored, Ray. Can we talk tomorrow? Boy’s tag along with me while I show off my new edgy look at the high-end stores and then we’ll scoot on over to Dino’s Vino. Dino always comps me with his best wine.”

“Yes, princes,” I muttered under my breath.

 

They Can’t Make Me Wait

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At first, I started this blog, alone. Then I had the idea to create an alt ego, La Flor. She’d be someone to bounce ideas off, stimulate thinking, and enter into intelligent conversations. Wrong. Wrong. And, wrong.  I had another great idea, get La Flor a boyfriend. Enter Little Carmen, now there are three of us. Little Carmen stays until La Flor kicks him out, and then he returns when he grovels to La Flor. There are three of us until Thompson Thomas, Dr. Phil’s alt ego. He’s now TT because two last names as names are confusing.

The four of us are waiting to be seated at a popular San Antonio Mexican restaurant.

“Ray, use your pull, I don’t like to be kept waiting,” said La Flor, speaking while reading texts, viewing Instagram, checking out her Facebook page, and deleting photos on her smartphone that are not of her.

“I don’t have pull or push here,” I said thinking I made a clever joke. No one laughed.

La Flor glanced up from her smartphone, “Then let’s leave. We’ll teach them a lesson they can’t make me wait.” She turned to Little Carmen and TT and added, “Do you agree, LC and TT?” she expected the rapidly submissive and boot licking, ‘Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy response.’

TT watched Little Carmen for his cue. LC looked at TT for his cue because he wasn’t listening to La Flor he was staring at the hot alt ego woman at the bar who was drinking a margarita and munching on chips. He had a headache from the continued placement of his eyes in the corners of his eye sockets.

“Well, LC,” La Flor demanded.

Little Carmen who, played cards with a deck of fifty-one. He was always a couple of bagels short of a dozen. And, he lit up like a twenty-watt bulb when a hundred watt bulb was needed. He said, “I thinks we gots to stay because the margaritas are hot.”

La Flor turned toward Little Carmen, giving him a full frontal. “Look at me, LC.”

“I am beautiful, tough, and edgy,” said Little Carmen whose face lined up with La Flor’s face with one exception. His eyes were still stuck in the corners of his eye sockets.

“Eye contact or you’ll be singing in the choir with TT,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen’s eyes shot to the front faster than the speed of light. “Is this better?”

“Those are not real,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen had a confused look on his face, “My eyes? Honest, they’re the only ones I have,” he said sincerely, yet one of the worst male moves I’ve ever seen.

I needed to change the subject because it was getting ugly, fast. “I checked, we’re next.”

“Please change our table preference to three,” said La Flor.

“Where’s TT gonna sit,” said Little Carmen.

“Right between Ray and me,” La Flor said.

I whispered to TT, “You got to think about buying a cup. It will be for your own good.”

TT turned his head to me, “From Starbucks?” he asked.

Where do these alt egos come from? Who is creating them? Why are they attracted to my blog? Vexing questions.

If La Flor hadn’t grabbed hold of TT’s arm, he may have fallen to the floor. I was certain he passed out. But, I was wrong, he was doing a poor job of faking he passed out because he kept peeking through narrow slits in his eyelids.

TT who never dated a hot woman, or a woman who was not hot, said, “He can sit on my lap if that helps us all solve the problem.”

TT will quickly learn he can’t please two masters.

Little Carmen pleading nolo contendere said, “I knows whats I was doing, but I wasn’t doing it. May eyes explain (yes, that is the way he said I’s, which baffles me either way).

“You have two strikes LC. Do you know what the third strike means? It’s the death penalty.”

“Not the death penalty. Please, please, please beautiful, tough, and edgy, not the depth penalty (yes, he said depth instead of death). I’ll do anything use wants me to do.”

“I’ll make a list, it starts with a foot massage tonight,” said La Flor.

Out of curiosity, I interjected, “Death penalty, can I have a bit of clarification?” I asked. I glanced at TT who was still jumping around. I pointed to a sign that read “El Bano.” He shrugged. The boy needs to pick up a few Spanish words around here.

“Oh, Ray. You are so knave (I think she meant to say naïve, but then again?).”

“How so?” I asked.

“I will take LC off speed dial. He’ll get lumped with you and everyone else.”

“I’m not on speed dial?” I asked incredulously.

“You were on speed dial, but you got bumped by TT.”

“TT?”

“You don’t suck up to me like TT does, Ray. That’s your problem. TT is really good at sucking up. Right, TT.”

“Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy,” he squeaked while dancing on one foot.

I thought he hit high C.

 

 

 

We Belong On TV

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La Flor, who’s on again with Little Carmen, had the stray puppy follow her throughout one of San Antonio’s outdoor mecca shopping malls. Little Carmen had to enthusiastically like everything La Flor liked. He was the designated bag carrier. And, according to her set of ground rules he signed, he can’t complain. He only can flirt with her.

As for me, I found an Italian trattoria, had a very tasty leisurely lunch, and after lunch, I did this and that, which I will not divulge because La Flor reads these blogs and counts the number of times she is mentioned. If I divulge this and that, she will know this and that and I will have no getaway places. If La Flor does not have the highest name mentioned count, all hell breaks loose, the bleep hits the fan, and the familiar saying, ‘You haven’t heard the last of this’ is repeatedly repeated.

I returned home around three thirty. I walked into the living room and froze. I wasn’t ready for what I saw. La Flor and Little Carmen sat in swivel chairs, about a foot and half apart. That’s not what stopped me.

They are staring at a camera on a tripod. Operating the camera is Thompson Thomas. He’s the Dr. Phil alt ego who looks like a pencil, receding hairline, has a high-pitched voice. It wasn’t always high pitched. It started sometime after Little Carmen found out he was gaga over La Flor. Little Carmen persuaded him, after a bit of twisting and turning and his voice rising with each twist to let go of his fixation on La Flor. I found this unusual, but not out of the ordinary as far as La Flor is concerned.

I looked at La Flor, frozen in my tracks and said, “What are you doing in a sports bra and bikini bottom? Do you have a sand volleyball game in your future? And, what is Little Carmen doing bare-chested in a bathing suit next to you? He looks like a wooly mammoth.”

“Is that a good look?” asked Little Carmen.

La Flor nodded her head, and said, “We are so adorable and cute, right, Ray?”

“Remember, this is a family blog,” I said.

“We belong on TV. I have a new career and LC is going to the top with me.”

“That’s right, Ray-mo. The beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster said, I’m a hanger-goner.”

“Sportscaster? Hanger-goner?”

“You called Little Carmen a hanger-goner?”

“That’s right, Ray. I have high standards. He misses making one compliment to me, he’s a goner.”

“I got to agree with the beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster. How’d I do?”

“Perfecto, LC.”

“I gots to learn, Spanish,” said Little Carmen.

“How many TV sportscasters look as good as LC and me? Don’t answer. The answer is obvious. Zero, zero, zero,” La Flor said, making a zero with the thumb and forefinger of each hand, then looking at Little Carmen until he made the third zero.

“How is this going to happen? How will you be discovered?” I said.

“We will be discovered. TT is filming our demo. He’s going to send it to all his contacts. Dr. Phil for one. Dr. Oz for two. And, he knows Bobby Filet. He quit Dr. Phil to work exclusively with us.”

“I think it’s Bobby Flay.”

“No, it’s Filet,” she said.

“I turned to TT, “You did?”

“Uh huh. La Flor promised to set me up with one of her hot girlfriends. She only has hot girlfriends.”

“Let it go, Ray. TT you ready to record our demo?” said La Flor.

“Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster,” said the soprano voiced TT.

“TT not to worry about the voice, it returns to normal in a day or three,” said Little Carmen.

“Thanks, LC. Ready, three, two, one, action,” squeaked TT.

“Welcome to the world’s hottest and cutest sportscasters,” said La Flor.

“Yah, welcome. Check out how beautiful the beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster looks today. Can I say you looks more beautiful than you did ten minutes ago?”

La Flor does a half turn, gives Little Carmen a big smile, “You may.”

“You looks more beautiful than you did ten minutes ago.”

La Flor turns back toward the camera, “Here is breaking sports news.”

“Yes, breaking news,” said Little Carmen.

“I am going to the spa tomorrow and getting a seaweed wrap, facial, and massage.”

“That’s terrific beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster. Can I gives some breaking news?”

“We only have time for one quick item, LC. Make it a good one.”

“Okay. Breaking news. Tonight’s special at Carmen’s Pizzeria is a double topping of Uncle Gino’s homemade sausage. Use gets a large for eighteen ninety-five and if use says LC sent use, use gets it for five ninety-five.”

“What do you think, Ray? Awesome, right? We’ll probably be leaving here as soon as the sports networks see the demo.”

“You going to take TT with you?”

“Please take me,” squeaked TT.

Only After He Crawls Back

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Twenty-four hours later, the max for La Flor’s attention span. I can forget about her wanting to use the blog for whistleblowing. Besides, who’s she going to blow the whistle on, Dr. Phil’s alt ego? Her mystery writer friend? Big Carmen? I decided to write a reflection on the meaning of life. . . .

“Ray, Ray, Ray! You promised I could be the whistleblower today. You promised. You promised. You know what happens to people when they break their promises to me?”

“No, what?”

“I won’t let you forget it, ever. I mean longer than ever. I mean I will remind you when you wake up. I will remind you every five minutes. I will remind you when you go to bed. I will keep saying it over and over while you sleep.”

“Won’t you get tired of reminding me?” I asked.

“Never.”

The beautiful, tough, and edgy whistleblower knows how to get her way. I said, “It’s all yours, La Flor. Try not to make it too long. WordPress has a thing against long whistleblowing blogs.” Okay, I admit I wasn’t telling the truth about WordPress. Don’t tell her, por favor. I’m only trying to help you.

La Flor sat in front of the laptop. She said, “I’m all over this like perfect eyebrows on me. Like perfect pouty lips on me. Like the way I fit into the edgiest of clothes.”

“I get the point,” I said. I began to silently pray.

“Will I bother you if I speak aloud while I’m writing? It helps my creative spirit.”

“What you’re writing is all true? You’re not creating anything, are you?” I asked. A bit timidity in my voice.

“Every word. Make sure all the doors and windows are locked. Turn your smartphone off. I want no interruptions, especially from you know who.”

“Your mystery writer friend? Dr. Phil’s alt ego?”

“No. No. No. LC.”

La Flor turned her attention to the blog. She began writing her whistleblower piece, “Your so vain, LC. You probably think this post is about you. Don’t you. Don’t You. Well, I hear you went to Vegas. You played craps and naturally, won. Then you flew up to Chicago to see how deep dish pizza is done. Then, you strolled into my party like you’re walking on air. You had one eye on your smartphone, the other on the girls wanting to be your partner. Your so vain, LC. You probably think this post is about you. Don’t you. Don’t you.”

“Stop. Stop. You’re plagiarizing,” I shouted.

La Flor turned to me, “No, I’m not. I got permission from Carly Simon’s alt ego after I told her all about LC flirting with two of my competitors. I’m blowing the whistle on that two timing, sweet talking, hunk of muscle, and all man.”

“It sounds like you’re talking your way back to him,” I said.

“Only after he crawls back to me on all fours and begs me to take him back,” said La Flor.

“Then you’ll take him back?” I asked.

“No, I just want him to crawl back. Besides, I’ve got another guy.”

“You do? Who is he? Where did you meet him?” I asked.

“I don’t have trouble getting guys. They’re always hitting on me. It’s a curse I have to live with since I’m beautiful, tough, and edgy.”

“Somebody has to do it,” I said.

“I decided to go with brains over looks and muscle.”

“You’re using him, right?” I said.

“How did you know?” asked La Flor.

“Just a feeling. Do you think it’s fair?” I asked.

“Yes. Next question,” said La Flor getting ready to hit the publish button.

“Do you think Little Carmen will be jealous?”

“That’s the point, Ray. What planet do you live on?”

“Will Little Carmen confront your new faux boyfriend?” I said, think La Flor’s game might be dangerous for the unwitting guy who fell for her.

“All I can do is hope.”

“Why?”

“Survival of the fittest, Ray.”

“Is it Dr. Phil’s script writer? The skinny, geeky looking guy who’s very shy?”

“Perfect choice, don’t you think? You forgot to mention, receding hairline, and has the shape of a pencil.”

“A lamb being led to the slaughter,” I said.

“I like to think of it as the most meaningful thing he’ll ever do in his life.”

“La Flor don’t hit the publish button.”

“Too late.”

 

 

You Pushed My Helper Button

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I woke up at two in the morning and wondered if it was to in the morning, or too in the morning, or two in the morning. La Flor and Little Carmen are sucking me into the vortex of misused and abused uses of two, too, and to. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried counting to hundred, but couldn’t get past to, or is it too, or two. At four twenty to or too or two, I decided La Flor and Little Carmen were going to attend my class to learn about two, too, and to.

The three of us sat in the living room. I thought a comfortable atmosphere might help them learn. La Flor and Little Carmen sat on the sofa. I sat on a chair off to La Flor’s right, but where we could all see each other.

“No holding hands. It won’t take long if you tw …” I caught myself and said, “both pay attention.”

Little Carmen took his hand away from La Flor and put his arm around her shoulders. She snuggled closer to him and rested her head against his shoulder.

I felt exasperated. I said, “You two separate. Little Carmen, you move to that end, and La Flor you move to the other end.”

“Ray?” asked La Flor.

“What?”

“I don’t want too correct the teacher, but you should have said, ‘You to.” And, you should have said move two the other end. Maybe I should teach this class.”

“That’s just it, La Flor you have it wrong. You’ve got your two, to, and too’s mixed up.”

Little Carmen was taking selfies and didn’t hear a word I said to La Flor. La Flor followed my eyes to Little Carmen. She said, “I want too do that to.” She reached in her handbag and pulled out her smartphone.

Little Carmen looked at her, “Text me a selfie and I’ll text use a selfie. Ray-mo, use wants too borrows my smarty phone after I text a selfie two the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman?”

Am I experiencing the life of a classroom teacher? I make a silent promise to support higher teacher salaries and an automatic entry into heaven at journey’s end.

“Break time,” I said. “I’ll get the coffee, bagels, and cream cheese.”

“Don’t forget the fruit and my Greek yogurt,” said La Flor.

“I want my Danish and donuts,” said Little Carmen.

“What about the bagels and cream cheese?” I asked.

“Is this a trick question?” asked La Flor, now laying on the sofa with her head on Little Carmen’s lap. She was scrolling through her selfies. There are thousands of them. She only has photos of herself. She deleted Little Carmen’s selfie as soon as it arrived.

“Break’s over,” I said.

“When are we gonna have recess?” said Little Carmen.

A good idea to teach about two, too, and to? No, it was not a good idea. Maybe flash cards would help. Big Bird singing a ditty about two, too, and to. A prize to anyone who passed the final exam. I should have thought of incentives.

La Flor, whose head was still on Little Carmen’s lap, lifted her eyes from her smartphone to look at Little Carmen. This is something she’d never done before. She stared into two large nostrils reminding her of a tunnel that goes through the Rocky Mountains, a two-day grunge beard, eyebrows marching toward the midway point to connect. She sat up as if she woke from a nightmare.

“Ray, send LC to the office. He’s disrupting class,” she said.

“What office?” I said.

“Use wants me to sits in use office, Ray-mo until we can talk? You’re not gonna call Big Carmen and tell on me, right?” asked Little Carmen.

“No, I’m not getting parents involved,” I said. Maybe I should under the sofa for my mind. I’m sure I lost it.

I knew La Flor needed to talk. Remember, I’m the sensitive male in this blog. Granted, my only competition is Little Carmen. I said, “Little Carmen, it is time for recess. There’s a pool hall five blocks over.”

“Geez, Ray-mo, this is better than real school. I gets to leave campus and play pool.”

After Little Carmen left, I asked La Flor, “What’s up?”

“Okay, first things first. Two is the number two. Too is used for also, very, or more than. To is a prepositional phrase and it can used as part of an infinitive. Did I pass?”

“Yes. But why did you use them incorrectly?” I asked.

“I thought I was in love with LC. I fell out of love with him again.”

“When?”

“When I looked up his nose. Did you realize how big it is? Then I saw his eyebrows. I wanted you to spray them with whatever you use to get rid of bugs, you know, PAM. I thought his eyebrows were caterpillars. When he said he wanted recess, Ray, I couldn’t take anymore.”

“It’s okay if your alt ego girlfriends get their hands on him?” I asked.

“I didn’t think of that. You confused me.”

“I did?”

“LC won’t survive. He’s vulnerable. He’s naïve. He’s too much for any of them. He’s all mine. All, I tell you. And, I’m not sharing any of him with any of them.”

“Are you back in love?” I asked.

“No. I’ll bring up a nose job at the right time. Talk about some laser work on the brows.”

“Why are you going to stay with him?” I asked.

“You pushed my helper button.”

“It was so big, I couldn’t miss it.”

“I really am a good person, Ray.”

“Mother Teresa could have used you.”

 

Repeat Everything I Say

by

“Our planning sessions are a step in the right direction, Ray. We need to do more of these. Like every day. I want fewer of your ideas in the blog, like none. And more of my ideas in the blog, like all,” said La Flor.

“What planning session? We only went out for coffee,” I said.

La Flor looks over at Little Carmen, “Isn’t he cute. Look at him dipping a biscotti into his coffee and watching the excess coffee drip off with the amazed look of a two-year-old child. He can do that for hours.”

“Hours?” I said. Then I attempted to redirect the conversation, “I thought the blog was about you,” I said then taking a sip of my cappuccino.

“Not the real me. Between you and me, there’s to much of him in it (the to instead of too deal again),” La Flor pointing her spoon at Little Carmen. Little Carmen came out of his trance. He followed the tip of the spoon apparently thought it went through him to whoever might be behind him. He turned around and stared an eighty something year old with a beautiful twentyish woman.

He turned back to La Flor, pointed his right thumb into his chest, and said, “The guy with the cute chick, but not as cute as use, giving use the willies, beautiful, tough, and edgy?”

La Flor took a sip of her chai latte then stared at Little Carmen thinking he was pointing to himself. “That is so introspective of you, LC. Would you please tell him to stay out of my conversation with Ray because it’s going to be all about me.”

“Where did you get the word introspection?”

“Either, Ellen, Oprah, or The View. It could have been on Oxygen or Lifetime. Maybe Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz. I’m not sure.” I rarely pay attention to those two when they are attempting the art of communication. Instead, I was sipping my cappuccino and thinking how nice it might be to come to this coffee shop with someone with whom I could have a nice conversation.

“Do you watch TV all day?”

“No, I tell LC to watch my shows and give me a summary. I’m two busy talking too my girlfriends (There’s that to, too, and two thing again – I’m going to have to teach them the difference. It’s driving me nuts). La Flor turned to me and said, “I’ve got this great idea and I want to tell you all about it. I’m going to make the blog a gossip column.”

She continued, “I’ve got this great idea. I’m going to make the blog an alt ego gossip column.”

“Alt ego gossip column? I don’t like gossip,” I said.

“Yah, right, Ray. I watch you reading the headlines on People, Inquirer, and all the other gossip mags at the store,” said La Flor.

“Those are legitimate news sources,” I said defensively. Then I added, “I don’t pick them up off the rack, I only read the headlines and look at the pictures on the cover.”

A slight commotion to my left, or La Flor’s right. We synchronically turned toward where Little Carmen sat, except he wasn’t sitting there. He was standing at the table behind us. He was talking to the beautiful, by any standards, alt ego woman who sat with the old guy, “Listen, babe, dis guy’s old enough to be use grandfather, grandfather. Use can do better.”

She looked at him, “You, for instance?”

“To be perfectly franklin about it, I wood (yes, he confuses wood and would) say yes, but I am taken with the beautiful, tough, and edgy one behind me.”

The old guy was fiddling with his hearing aid. He looked at the woman with him and said, “Tell him the bathroom is over there?” The old timer pointed toward the rear of the coffee shop. “They’re out of toilet paper. It’ll be better if he holds it.”

Little Carmen looked at the old guy, “I don’t has to go number to.”

The old guy yanked the hearing aid out of his ear, then wiped the excess ear wax off on his napkin. “I think I found the problem,” he said.

He looked at Little Carmen, “Can you help me put it back in my ear?”

“Do I looks like a proctologist?” Then he turned back to the woman, “Since use are now heartbroken since I am taken, I will talk two your boyfriends.”

“I do not have two boyfriends (she heard it the way he said it). He’s not my boyfriend, he’s my grandfather,” she said.

La Flor jumped in, “Don’t get any ideas about LC, sister.”

“La Flor!” I said.

“If you want to take it out on the street …” before La Flor continued, I jumped in. “Your tab is on me. I apologize for my guests.”

The old guy accidentally dropped his hearing aid in his coffee and was now trying to fish it out with a spoon.

Little Carmen was watching the action the way a third grader pays attention to a Sunday sermon. He really needs to sharpen his listening skills. He wasn’t sure if he should talk to the woman or to the old guy. He pulled out a quarter and flipped it. He said, “It’s heads.”

La Flor, the old guy, the woman, and I looked at him. Little Carmen didn’t quite know how to handle the attention, he said, “The other side is tails, but not a real tale, I’m not sure what tale or tail I should use here if use don’t mind my depression from the main topic which is I don’t wants use to take sneak peaks on my girl’s blog.”

“Whose girl are you talking about?” said La Flor.

“You go girl,” said the woman with the old guy.

“Thank you, sister,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen said, “Use, my darling.”

La Flor said, “Repeat everything I say.”

“Repeat everything I say,” replied Little Carmen.

“No, you repeat everything I say,” said La Flor a bit of an edge to her voice.

“Do I have to put the edgy on the voice like use, beautiful, tough, and edgy?”

“I am not your darling,” said La Flor.

“I am not your darling,” said Little Carmen. Then he added, “Who is your darling if I am not your darling?” Little Carmen’s eyes looked like a large dog’s sad brown eyes.

“Me,” said La Flor.

“Me?” asked Little Carmen.

“No, not you, me,” said La Flor.

“No, not you, me,” said Little Carmen believing he was still under the repeat everything I say edict.

This could go on for three pages if I didn’t intervene. I called to the waiter, “Can you bring three more biscotti’s, and three fresh coffees?

They both looked at me, “Use gonna share?” asked Little Carmen.

“I prefer a croissant with some butter and real blackberry jelly,” said La Flor.

“As I was saying, Ray. It’s all about me.”

“It is, La Flor. It is,” I agreed.

 

 

 

 

He’s The Perfect Accessory

by

I’m acting like a child. I am embarrassed. I am hiding in the closet. It’s the only place where I can find peace and quiet. There are no windows, but I have photos of the Grand Canyon, Padre Island, and the Rocky Mountain National Park scotched taped to the back of the door. Next to me is my Keurig Coffee Maker. My cup of coffee, fresh, hot, and all mine, until . . .

“Ray, I know you’re in there,” said La Flor*.

“No, I’m not,” I said in a falsetto voice and realized the mistake I made by saying, ‘No, I’m not.’ Hopefully, she won’t pick up on it.

“I know it’s you. I can smell my coffee,” said La Flor

“How do you know? Your coffee?” I’ve truly lost it. I’m hiding from an alt ego and her boyfriend. I’m using a falsetto voice as a disguise. And, now, I’m debating whether I’m in here or not. Where’s Dr. Phil when you need him. That’s right, according to La Flor, he’s an alt ego.

“Either come out, Ray or LC will break down the door and drag you out. It’s for your own good,” said La Flor.

“My own good is to stay inside here until you two, too, or to go out for chicken wings,” I said.

“Do you have a stuttering problem? Asked La Flor.

“No.”

“It sounded like you stuttered when you said to, two, or too,” said La Flor.

“You’re not going to let me alone until I come out, am I correct?” a moment of silence. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want Little Carmen to kick down the door. I said, “What?”

“I nodded my head, Ray. What are you waiting for?” said La Flor.

I can’t answer. There is no logical response to seeing a head nod while behind the door. If I had a white flag, I’d wave it. I opened the door, coffee in hand, and stepped out.

La Flor reached for the cup, took it from me, and sipped, “This is good. I needed a good cup of coffee. Thanks, Ray.”

Will I ever get to drink a cup of coffee? I wonder what the Vegas odds are on that one.

Little Carmen, who occasionally can read my mind and little else, said, “About 75 to 1.”

La Flor looked at him, “Is it football season already?”

“No, beautiful, tough, and edgy sometimes a thought comes into my head.”“I like it better when you’re thoughtless.”

“I like it better when you’re thoughtless.” said La Flor.

“Me two,” said Little Carmen (it’s really not that hard to use too instead of two. Why can’t he get it?).

“We need too talk, Ray,” said La Flor (Okay, La Flor is using too instead of to – did they both miss it in alt ego grade school?).

“You’re always saying we need to talk,” I replied.

“No, I’m not. Sometimes I’m saying where are we going tonight. Sometimes I’m saying LC I need a glass of wine.”

Little Carmen interrupted La Flor before she could give another example, “I’m on it. White vino, which rhymes with dino, beautiful, tough, and edgy woman who needs to speak to Ray about whatever.”

“Yes, LC, not in a Styrofoam cup this time,” said La Flor.

“That’s the way Big Carmen serves it,” said LC.

I want to go back into the closet. No, I want to climb on the roof and signal passing planes to send help.

“I don’t care if he serves it in a Starbucks venti cup, I want it in a fancy wine glass.”

“Use gonna get more if I goes and gets a Starbucks venti cup,” said Little Carmen. The expression on his face looked like he was pleased with himself.

If she sends Little Carmen to Starbucks as she did yesterday, I wondered if the paramedics will bring him back.

La Flor turned to me and said, “Ray, it’s time for an intervention.”

I said, “Please don’t watch Dr. Phil or talk to the alt ego who plays Dr. Phil.”

Then Little Carmen joined the conversation, “I can helps you, beautiful, tough, and edgy wonderful woman. I am very goods at interventions. I intervented a square pizza cutter.”

“You intervented a square pizza cutter? How does it work?” I asked.

“Use uses it for square pizza. The round pizza cutter is for the round pizza. Nobody thoughts of that before me. That’s not alls I intervented, Ray-mo,” said Little Carmen.

“Why? Ray. Why?” said La Flor.

“I’m asking myself the same question,” I said.

Little Carmen is warming up for what, I don’t have a clue. Certainly, Seinfeld isn’t coming on next. He said, “I intervented a menu use can reads upside down.”

“How so?” I asked.

“Use asks the customer if they wants the regular menu or the upside down menu. If they asks for the upside down menu, I gives them the regular menu and tells them it’s upside down.”

“Little Carmen, good idea about the Starbucks venti cups. Can you get two of them?” I asked.

“I’ll have to buy coffee first, then dump it out. Is that okay?”

As soon as he left, I turned to La Flor, “Why don’t you hold an auction for him with the alt ego girls?”

She glared at me, “And let go two-hundred five pounds of male hunkiness go? Never.”

“I don’t think you love him,” I said.

“I’m not talking love. I’m talking accessory,” La Flor responded.

“Accessory?” I asked.

“He goes perfect with whatever I’m wearing,” said La Flor smiling. She’s staring out the window watching Little Carmen jog to Starbucks.

“Ray, Ray, I just had a horrible thought,” she shrieked.

“Take it easy. I’m here for you,” I said. I immediately regretted using that line and hoped she wasn’t listening to me.

“I know you’re here. It’s LC. You sent him alone, without a guardian to Starbucks. He’s probably fighting the women off. He’ll come back disfigured. He’s doing this all for me.”

“You’re the lucky one.”

“I won’t be if they maim him. I can see it now, he’ll be outside Carmen’s Pizzeria selling slices with his left hand because they cut off his right hand for a souvenir.”

“You’re not making sense, La Flor.”

“I always make sense. Go save him.”

“Can I call the paras?”

 

 

He’s a Chick Magnet

by

I’m watching my favorite Netflix series. I discipline myself not to binge watch. I want to pace it out, extend my enjoyment. Then the front door opens, I hear footsteps. Then the voice.

“Ray, I need a vacation. I’m wearing out the treadmill you’ve put me on. All I do is work, work, and work some more,” said La Flor* nudging her main squeeze Little Carmen.

“That’s right, we needs a vacation,” said Little Carmen. Then he added, “I think I gots it right beautiful, tough, and edgy.”

“Almost right. Remember how the first line went, ‘La Flor needs a vacation.’ I’ve a Snicker’s bar and a small bag of nachos if you get it right,” said La Flor.

“I gots it, “Ray-mo, remember how the first line went? How’d I do beautiful, tough, and edgy?”

“Ray, I rest my case. I’m going nuts. LC, do me a big, really big fav and run over to the Starbucks on the other side of town and get me a white iced tea?”

“What’s about the one down the street? Do I has to run?”

“Yes, run. Walking might even be better. take your time. I don’t like the one down the street,” said La Flor then kissed Little Carmen on the cheek. Which was enough to push all the right buttons. Granted Little Carmen doesn’t have too many buttons (note how I use too correctly, unlike Little Carmen and La Flor).

La Flor nearly pushed Little Carmen out the door. She hollered, “Take your time LC, look both ways when you cross the street. Have a cold whipped drinks while you’re there and then get mine to go. It’s okay if you give it to a homeless person on a street corner.”

“Use is a saint, beautiful, tough, and edgy.”

La Flor turned to me, “Help me, Ray.”

“Pick a vacation spot?” I asked.

“No. One part of me wants to dump LC. And, the other part of me wants to keep LC. I’m caught in a tug of war and it’s tearing me apart.”

I’m trying to think what a sensitive male might say in a situation like this. ‘I’m here for you.’ No, I saw a Seinfeld episode with that line. ‘I’m listening.’ No, Fraser used that line in every show. ‘Suck it up and dump him.’ That doesn’t sound like a sensitive male. If only I could Google ‘sensitive male expressions.’ I can’t, La Flor’s expecting a response.

I said, “Want to sit out on the patio and talk?” I’m thinking I did pretty good.

La Flor said, “What? And, waste my time with psychobabble?”

“Where’d you pick up that term?” I asked.

“Dr. Phil’s script writer. You know, Dr. Phil is an alt ego. He’s not real like you and me. What you’re seeing is an actor play Dr. Phil the alt ego. The real alt ego hangs out at the alt ego singles club.”

“Dr. Phil is an alt ego?” I asked.

“Do I have to repeat everything. Now, let’s get back to my problem.”

“I forgot it’s all about you.”

“You’re learning,” said La Flor not catching my sarcasm.

I got La Flor out to the patio. I brought her a soda in a chilled glass with the exact amount of ice, one-fourth of the glass. At least, that’s La Flor’s measure of the exact amount of ice. I’m being very sensitive. I sat down opposite her and said, “What is it you don’t like about Little Carmen?”

“I don’t like the way he uses the word two for too when he should be using it for the word to.”

“And, not two?” I asked.

“Exactly!” said La Flor.

Two, too, and to are too troublesome to think about for too long. I Pushed ahead, the sensitive male that I am, “What is something you like about Little Carmen?” I asked.

La Flor put her index finger up to her lips, she was faking she was thinking, but I didn’t point it out, the sensitive male that I am. She moved her lips as she counted to six. Why six? No clue. She said, “He’s, no that’s not a strong point. He’s, no that isn’t it either. I know. He’s, no that doesn’t work either. It’s something about him. He has no good points for a beautiful, tough, and edgy, go for it all girl like me. He has one thing, just one thing.”

She said, “He’s, no that’s not a strong point. He’s, no that isn’t it either. I know. He’s, no that doesn’t work either. It’s something about him. He has no good points for a beautiful, tough, and edgy, go for it all girl like me. He has only one thing, just one thing going for him.”

“What is it?” I am intrigued.

“He’s a chick magnet. I don’t want any other alt ego women to have him. He’s mine. All mine.”

“Let me see if I understand.”

“Not a chance,” said La Flor.

“Why not?”“You’re not one of the species who has the understanding gene.”

“You’re not one of the species who has the understanding gene.”

“I’ll rephrase. Let me see if I can summarize.”

“That’s better, Ray.”

I said, “There is nothing you like about Little Carmen. How am I doing?”

“So far, so good,” she said.

“He’s a chick magnet and all your alt ego girlfriends would grab him in a second and you won’t let that happen.”

“You got that straight,” said La Flor.

In the distance, getting closer was the wail of sirens.

La Flor rushed to the window. She turned to me, “Ray, it’s the paramedics. Oh no, LC must be hurt and they want me to identify his shattered remains. He must have jumped out of a window because he loved me so much. Ray, I don’t think I can take it. I hope he left a note that tells everyone how he didn’t deserve me because he didn’t.”

I looked out the window, the back of the ambulance opened, LC jumped out, one of the paramedics hands him his Starbucks carry all. The paras waved at Little Carmen as he LC jogged to the door.

I said, “He’s okay, La Flor. He got a ride in the ambulance to bring you your drink.”

“Out of my way, Ray.” Said La Flor rushing to open the door.

“Here’s your drink my beautiful, tough, and edgy you can have it all girl.”

“Put them down you big lug and hug me. Then we’ll go plan our vacation at Wineland.”

I’ll never understand those two, too, or to.

* La Flor is a fictional character and acts as my alt ego. Her character has evolved over the blog posts. She began with a single letter as her name. Her name gradually grew to two letters, then three before she settled on La Flor. She liked the name because it fit her idea of a beautiful, tough, and edgy feminine PI.  It is my interaction with her persona that serves as the source of these blog posts. I have no notion how La Flor will continue to evolve. It is an adventure for me as well as the reader.

 

It’s Three-Thirty Somewhere

by

“You sure you want to be a shrink?” I asked La Flor*.

“My dream job,” said La Flor.

“Dream job?”

“Sure, you sit in a circle and ask people to talk. How hard is that?” said La Flor.

“I think there’s more to it,” I said.

“Come on, Ray. My assistant already prepared questions for me. I’m good to go,” said La Flor.

“You have an assistant?” I asked not remembering if I wrote this into the script.

She pointed to her left at Little Carmen with earphones in his ears, his head bopping to the music or something. She said, “Besides writing questions for me to ask, if anybody gives me trouble, LC will take them to time out.”

“Timeout in a support group?” I asked.

“That’s only for misdemeanors.”

“Misdemeanors? You have levels of bad behavior?” I asked.

“LC’s idea. Hold on a sec,” La Flor said then walked over to Little Carmen, pulled out his earplugs. “Come with me, LC.”

“Do I gotta?”

La Flor turned toward Little Carmen, looked up at him, “Do you want to go down this road again? No bedtime story. No Pizza Battles Reality Show.”

Little Carmen shook his head and dutifully followed La Flor until they both stood in front of me.

“LC tell Ray your great idea for the group.”

Little Carmen looked puzzled, no that’s not accurate, bewildered. No, that’s not accurate. Confused. No, that’s not accurate, either. He didn’t know what the hell was going on. That’s accurate.

“What ideas?” said Little Carmen jumping first to one foot, then the other.

“Do you have to go to the bathroom?” I asked.

“Geez, how’d you know?”

“Lucky guess.”

“Oh go,” said La Flor. Little Carmen headed toward the bathroom. La Flor turned to me, “I’m so happy he’s housebroken. LC could only get five alt egos from alt ego singles bar but I wanted six so he asked Big Carmen to join.”

“Big Carmen is in your group?”

“What I just say?”

“What’s the group’s theme. Every group has a theme,” I said.

“I was thinking of colors that don’t clash with what I’m wearing. Shoes have to be stylish. Hair has to be with it.”

“That’s your theme?”

“Yes, do you want to be part of the group? I’ll make an exception and make it seven people. It will be a lot of work,” said La Flor.

“No. But, I will observe, if you don’t mind,” I answered.

“As long as you don’t interrupt, butt in, correct me, raise your hand, give disgusted looks, roll your eyes, or act bored. I know it’s a tall order, Ray. I don’t need you interfering.”

“I will sit and watch the beautiful, tough, and edgy shrink at work.”

“Don’t forget the assistant shrink, two (remember, Little Carmen’s influence on La Flor, she now uses two for too).

Two hours later.

I’m seated in a circle of six people, three women, three men. One of the men is Big Carmen. This I don’t understand. La Flor is playing with her iPhone. Little Carmen is listening to a playlist. Five of the people are staring at La Flor and Little Carmen. The sixth, Big Carmen, is working on picking winners of baseball games, horse races, and deciding what the pizza special will be tonight.

I check my iPhone. We’ve been sitting in a circle for nearly twenty minutes. La Flor is still playing with her iPhone. Little Carmen fell asleep. Big Carmen is scratching his head, his pencil behind his ear.

La Flor finally puts her iPhone into her hand bag and said, “I’m the beautiful, tough, and edgy shrink. This is my first question written by my assistant, “Why are you here? Now I know why Big Carmen is here, he doesn’t have Wi-Fi and he’s using Ray’s Wi-Fi do online gambling.”

A woman, about thirty-seven, who had work done, if you know what I mean, raises her arm and starts waving it.

La Flor looks at her and said, “Yes?” The yes was coated in ice. And, even though it’s 1020 not a drop of ice melts from the yes.

“Some blog writer wrote us into the script. I had better things to do than waste an hour here.”

This was a bad move on a couple of levels. On one level, I’m the guy who wrote these alt egos into the script even though I don’t remember doing it. I wonder if La Flor is messing with my laptop when I’m asleep. I made a mental note to change the password. On a deeper level, La Flor gives her a look only La Flor can give and it’s going to get worse.

“You know what? You ought to sue your plastic surgeon, bad job,” said La Flor.

“Thank you. You are so wise. I told my boyfriend it was a terrible job, but you know men.”

“Only two well (La Flor picked up on Little Carmen’s habit of using two instead of too). I could tell you stories about that species,” said La Flor glancing at Little Carmen off in La La Land.

A short, paunchy, balding man with suspenders to hold up his pants, said, “I think it’s unfair picking on my species.”

La Flor looked at him, she stifled a gag response when she saw he violated all of her sartorial codes. She said, “Suspenders? A paunch? Pants with an elastic waist band? Is that a piece? What is your name?” said La Flor.

“It’s Bill.”

“Don’t tell me to chill. LC will take you level one, time out.”

“What did I do?”

La Flor shook Little Carmen. Little Carmen woke up with a start, “Huh?”

“LC, glare at him,” said La Flor point at Bill.

Little Carmen shot a glare at Bill that would cause a two-year-old to crawl back into the womb.

“Good boy, here’s your Snicker’s bar.”

“Wait too or six moments, beautiful, tough and edgy shrink,” said Little Carmen again confusing two and too.

“What’s wrong, LC?”

“How woods (that’s how he said would) likes it if I treated use like a German Schlepski?”

“I don’t like Schlepskis of any kind,” said La Flor.

“Use gets what I means?” said Little Carmen.

I thought the big, tough, muscle lug was going to cry.

“I didn’t means two (there she goes again sounding like Little Carmen). Can I give you a hugs and a Snicker’s Bar?”

“Of course, use may, my beautiful, tough, and edgy, I don’t likes dis stinkin shrinking business.”

“What are these people doing here? How long have we been going, I’m exhausted,” said La Flor.

I interrupted, “Actual time, seven minutes. Real time, twenty-five minutes.”

“You broke the contract, Ray. You can’t come back next week.”

“Okay,” I said.

“I was only kidding. You can run the group next week, they bore me.”

“I don’t want to run the group.”

“Neither do I, what are we going to do with them.”

Big Carmen looked up, “I has a great idea. Little Filly just won in the seventh at Aqueduct. I won five hundred bucks. Pizza for everybody at Carmen’s Pizzeria tonight.

All the alt ego’s start applauding.

La Flor gave gaga eyes to Little Carmen, “You big lug, I need a margarita after all the stress Ray put me through.”

I pointed to my chest, “Me? I’m an innocent bystander.”

Little Carmen turned toward me, he said, “Don’t thinks nothing to it, Ray-mo. Use was just cholesterol damage.”

I wanted to correct him and say collateral, but to what end.

Little Carmen gave his main squeeze a hug and said, “I knows just the place, it’s called Margarita de Ville. It’s three-thirty somewhere (I didn’t have to heart to ruin Jimmy Buffet’s song).

* La Flor is a fictional character and acts as my alt ego. Her character has evolved over the blog posts. She began with a single letter as her name. Her name gradually grew to two letters, then three before she settled on La Flor. She liked the name because it fit her idea of a beautiful, tough, and edgy feminine PI.  It is my interaction with her persona that serves as the source of these blog posts. I have no notion how La Flor will continue to evolve. It is an adventure for me as well as the reader.

 

 

 

 

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