humorous

Will Siri Help Me?

by

I guided La Flor over to the sofa and helped her sit. I’ve not seen her in such a fragile state. Tears streaming down her cheeks, leaving a web-like trail of mascara giving her a macabre look. She’s shaking as if she stepped out of a freezer. Her voice, barely audible. This is not the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman I know. My inner Saint Bernard is off to the rescue.

“Let me get this straight, La Flor. You do not want to marry Little Carmen under any circumstance. And, your answer is final. Is that right?” I asked.

She nodded. Then wiped her nose on her arm. The woman is a basket case. Under any circumstance, La Flor would not stoop to this degrading behavior. I offer her a Kleenex and she starts wailing as if she were not named queen of the alt ego alt ego cotillion.

Between sobs, she said, “It, it, it’s my tragic life. My life is over. Tie me to the tracks and let a train run me down. Buy me a one-way ticket to the slums in Juarez. Dump me in the middle of the Mojave and forget about me.”

“You’re depressed,” I said.

“Depressed? Depressed? Is that the best you can do? I thought you were my last hope, a sensitive male who might help me. But, no, you’re, you’re like the rest of your species. You’re only thinking of yourself and …”

And, she started wailing again. I’m concerned a neighbor might call 911 and report a domestic dispute. I hear my inner Saint Bernard barking, howling, scratching at the door to my heart. What can I do but help?

“Okay, I’ll talk to Little Carmen for you.”

“You will?” her voice so soft, I barely heard her.

“Yes,” I said and squeezed her hand.

“And, will you protect me from Big Carmen and his thug, Lil Carlo?” she whimpered.

“I will speak to Big Carmen.”

“Will you ask him if I can still be the image for his pizzeria?”

“Yes, I will.”

“Do you promise, cross your stone heart,” she whimpered.

It wasn’t the right time to argue with her about my stone heart, so I said, “I promise.”

I’d no sooner finished when Carmela burst into the living room, “Bravo, bravo, bravo, beautiful, tough, and edgy actress. You rightly deserve an Oscar for your Oscar performance.”

“Huh?” I said, bewildered.

“Let go of my hand, Ray. I have to shower and redo my makeup. It’s not easy having as much talent as I have. Remember your promise. I know you don’t break promises.”

“Huh?” It’s all I can say. Her old black magic has me in a spell. Her old black magic that she weaves so well. My apologies to Sinatra. La Flor left me befuddled, bemused, and bewitched. Anxious? That’s for kids. I’m in full blown panic attack. And then I hear …

“Ray-mo, eyes back. Use gonna coach me on how to do the pro, er, prop, er, pop the, er, asks to marries me?”

A crazy thought? Will Siri help me?

 

 

Anxious?

by

Life isn’t supposed to be this way, even in the alt ego world. I’m not supposed to be connected to the mob. Okay, my grandmother ran numbers, that doesn’t mean anything. It was a community service. Now I’m in a pickle. I’m face to face with a 1000 pound gorilla. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I’m paddling upstream without a paddle. When I get anxious, I mix metaphors. I’m mixing and I’m going to continue to stir the pot. There’s no way I can shake this hook. Enough, I silently scream. I’m driving myself nuts.

It’s tough enough to muster the courage to propose. I used to chide Babe (my wife), she proposed to me. She always said no. I think someplace in heaven she’s shaking her head at me telling me I got it wrong.

How am I going to teach Little Carmen to propose? How am I going to get La Flor to accept his proposal? Big Carmen doesn’t take failure well.

I’m pacing. I’d say back and forth, but that’s only partially right. I’m circling, quadrangling, boxing, and elipticalling. My mind is like a gymnast doing floor exercises until . . .

“We’re back,” hollered La Flor from the doorway.

“We’re back,” hollered Carmela from the doorway.

“We’s back, Ray-mo,” said Little Carmen.

Okay, they’re back. All parties accounted for.

“What’s for dinner, Ray?” said La Flor.

“What’s for dinner, Ray?” said Carmela.

“Enough with the echo,” I said.

“Bad day?” asked La Flor.

“I got things on my mind I can’t discuss with you,” I said. I added, “Take my card and your protégé out for sushi. I need man time with Little Carmen. I want to talk about our fantasy football league, the season’s coming up,” I lied.

“Oh? I don’t think so,” said La Flor.

“Busted,” I said. “I want to help him get a head start on his Christmas shopping for you.”

“Good idea, but remember I was La Flor PI before I was La Flor beautiful model.” Then she added, “We need to talk before you and LC need to talk.”

“Yah!” said Carmela.

La Flor turned her gaze toward Carmela. Two ice picks darting from La Flor’s eyes had an immediate effect on her.

“I think I spoke out of turn. Can I go and shine your shoes, polish your jewelry, bath myself in the beauty of your photos that cover your wall,” begged Carmela.

“She wants to learn, Ray. But, she’s not the brightest bulb in the closet. Her escalator stopped running. Her pepperoni pizza doesn’t have any pepperoni.”

“I get it. Are you anxious?”

“How can you tell?”

“The overuse of metaphors.”

“Little Carmen, will you walk to Starbucks and get us our usual afternoon caffeinated drinks?”

“Does I gots to walk?”

“It’ll be good for your love handles,” I said. He doesn’t have any on his chiseled body, which is the primary animal attraction for La Flor.

“I don’t feel any handles. Use thinks they could be knobs or something I don’t know nothing about?”

“I do,” I said.

“Thanks, Ray-mo. Be back in a jiff. Is it jiff or jif or jiffy? I gets confused.”

“Jiff is fine.”

“Tanks.”

The moment Little Carmen left, La Flor flung her arms around me. She buried her head into my chest, “I too young to die, Ray. Please, please help me,” she pleaded.

“You’re not dying,” I reassured her.

“If I marry him, I will. I read your blog. Please convince him I’m not worthy of him. Feed him Carmela. Put out a contract on him. Anything. I beg you.”

What am I going to do?

Big Carmen Wasn’t Kidding

by

Season 2, episode 8, the final show of the season on my favorite Netflix series. I’m three-fourths of the way through the episode. It’s a cliffhanger building to another cliffhanger when I hear . . .

The doorbell.

I am not going to answer it. I am going to finish my show. And, I hear …

The doorbell.

I pause my show. I take off of my shoes, stealthily walk to the door. I look through the security hole. A half foot away is a nose big enough to stick it into my business. The nose is the personal property of Big Carmen. He has his muscle, the diminutive seventy-one-year-old, Lil Carlo. There is no way I want to talk to these two guys. I want to see my show. There are twenty minutes left. I turn and tiptoe back to living room. I gently sit on my sofa. I give a warm smile to my hot air popcorn and can of diet soda. La Flor and Carmela and their chauffeur, Little Carmen, are off somewhere. I hope it’s out of the country.and I will not be disturbed, until I hear …

“We knows use is in there.”

How do they know I’m in here? La Flor made Little Carmen take my car. She didn’t want to be seen in a pizza delivery car, bad for the image. I think Big Carmen’s bluffing. I lie down on the sofa, pull a pillow over my head, and curl into a fetal position. I am really worried, this is a La Flor move. Is she writing my script? These thoughts are crashing through my mind when I hear . . .

“I’m a gonna counts to three or maybe four if eyes in a good mood (yes, he said eyes) then I’m a gonna have my muscle kick in you door.”

Lil Carlo, all one hundred seven pounds in going to kick in my door? No way. At least I thought it was no way until I hear …

“Lil Carlo is gonna use a grenade we got as a gift when we visited the armory when nobody was there. Use understand what I am trying to say?

I go back to the door. this time with my shoes on. I speak through the door. I said, “I only have twenty minutes left to season 2, episode 8 of …. ” When I hear …

“I already seem it (yes, he said seem). Use don’t has to finish it, because this is how it ends,” Big Carmen proceed to tell me the ending of the cliffhanger and the cliffhanger heading into season 3.

“Now let’s us in. Eyes has to talk to use about my boy. He needs use help, and this will be a big favor to Big Carmen if use deliver what I thinks use can deliver, which is better than how Little Carmen delivers because he ain’t such a good delivery man. Use follow?”

No, not really. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I keep the words bottled. No sense in feeding a tiger red meat.

I open the door. Big Carmen and Lil Carlo walk in. Big Carmen’s carrying a pizza. Lil Carlo is carrying a hand grenade. He wasn’t kidding.

We sit down. Big Carmen opens the pizza box. “This eye made special for use. It’s got thin crust, but chewy. It’s got fresh buffalo mozzarella, that means it’s made in Buffalo. it’s got fresh just picked from my neighbor’s yard, basil leaves. The sauce you can die for and might I say, Tomas did. And, I put on peppers, just enough calamata olives. And, I baked it to perfection. Normally, this pie costs fourteen seventy-five. But for you, it’s free. Now, here’s my favor I need.”

I’m praying it’s an easy one. Something I can do with my eyes closed. Until I hear …

“I want you to coach Little Carmen on how to proposal to the beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

I feel dizzy.

Catch & Release

by

“La Flor, do you think it’s wise for you to mentor Carmela? One of you is about all the alt ego world can handle,” I said.

“Ray, if all the people in the world were like me, the world would be a better place. I’m doing my part to make that happen. Do you think I’ll win a Noble Prize (yes, she said Noble instead of Nobel – I’m only writing what I hear).

“I’m sure it is Nobel not Noble. You know the difference, right?”

“Of course I know the difference. Nobel means no bells. Noble is the thing I should win,” said an adamant La Flor.

“Looks like you got it figured out,” I said.

“Move over, Ray, my protege is here.”

“A minny me? I asked.

“No, she is not a minny you. You don’t have the right stuff that Carmela is looking for, Ray,” said La Flor.

“What is the right stuff? I thought I was pretty good,” I said.

“Three words, Ray. And, you don’t qualify.”‘

“I hear an inner voice repeating them to me,” I said.

“Let me help your inner voice. Beautiful, tough, edgy. They’re so far removed from you, you can’t see them with the Bubble telescope.”

“Do you mean Hubble?” I said.

“Don’t change the subject,” she said. Then added, “Girlfriend come over. I’ve straightened Ray out.”

“Hey, my posture’s good. I don’t need a chiropractor,” I said.

“Oh La Flor, you are the master. You weren’t even breathing hard when you put Ray in his place.”

“You are so smart but not as smart as me, Carmela. Now, I want you to flirt with TT, then let him down.”

I stepped in. TT never hurt anyone. Let’s not play with his emotions,” I said.

“Ray, beautiful, tough, and edgy rules, it’s called catch and release.”

“Just like the fishing places?” I said.

Exactly.

 

 

 

You Call This Mentoring?

by

La Flor and Carmela sit on the deck overlooking the large pool and tennis court at Big Carmen’s 6000 square foot home. Big Carmen can’t swim or play tennis, but the guy who donated the home to him did. A bottle of white wine is on the table between La Flor and Carmela. Their glasses partially filled.

“I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you as my mentor La Flor. I want to be just like you.”

“We’ll have to work on your makeup, clothes, voice, walk, diet, and attitude. In short, Carmela, you need a total makeover and your mentor is going to point the way,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen lays in a lounge chair off to the side. He perks up when he hears La Flor’s voice. La Flor’s voice. He called over, “Who’s mental? Use guys needs some help?”

La Flor glanced at him, then bent closer to Carmela, “Lesson one, sometimes you have to overlook certain weakness because he’s just so handsome.” Then she sat back and looked at Little Carmen, “We’re okay, play with your iPad.”

“I’m hear (that’s what he said) if use needs me.”

Carmela gets out of her seat, goes around the table and hugs La Flor. Tears are streaming down her face, “You are so kind, so generous, so everything good, and can I add so wise with men.”

“I know. I know. Now let go of me. I don’t want your mascara ending up on my shirt. I spent an hour getting my makeup right. I hope you didn’t smudge it with the hug. Ask permission next time before you hug me. I usually take hugs by appointment. Not on weekends or Tuesdays, they are my rest days,” said La Flor.

“I’m sorry,” said Carmela.

“Since it’s your first day being mentored, I’ll let it slide,” said La Flor.

“Can I hug you again, you are the kindest person I know,” said Carmela.

“No, it’s Tuesday. But, you can tell all your friends on social media how good I am to you. Pay attention to what I do now,” said La Flor.

“Should I take notes?” said Carmela.

“Good idea because I give pop quizzes.”

Carmela takes out her iPhone, presses the Notes app and waits for La Flor.

“LC. LC.”

“Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy mentor,” said Little Carmen.

“Nothing. I wanted to make sure you’re paying attention to cater to my every whim.”

“Like cheese on sauce, red on tomatoes, green on oregano, pepperoni on Camen’s Pizzeria Saturday night special for five ninety-one and free delivery.”

“Tomorrow we’ll kick it up a notch.”

“I can’t wait.”

 

Don’t Confuse the Confused

by

“We done here?  I need a vacation, I’m burned out,” said La Flor.

“Use takes all the times use needs to refurnish your membranes. Use were awesome beautiful, tough, and edgy whatever. After the first ad ran I couldn’t make pizza fast enough. It’s a good ting Tony Caruso owes me a fav an he shut down his pizzeria for the night to help me out,” said Big Carmen. He added, “I gots one fav to ask? Well, come to tink of it, that is unless a third percolates in my memory.”

I’m sure Little Carmen was home schooled seeing how he speaks perfect Big Carmen English.

“I’ll do it if it’s not too much trouble. It’s hard being a working girl. Now I understand how the big time models who are not as beautiful as me, or as nice as me, or as intelligent as me look like they need a Frappuccino,” said La Flor.

“Dis is my foist fav.”

“Yes, what’s the second fav?” asked La Flor.fav?”

“What’d she say?” asked Big Carmen to no one and everyone.

“Yes,” said Little Carmen.

“I’m talking about the second part, not the first part. Don’t go confusing the confused,” said Big Carmen.

TT waved his arm, “What’s use want pinky pole?”

TT’s brain was working overtime trying to process pinky pole. TT knew he wasn’t Polish so Big Carmen couldn’t have meant Pol. What other kinds of pol could there be, maybe a politician? Yet, he wasn’t a politician. He looked around the room for something pink, something pol. He came up empty.

“What chu looking for? No body gonna come and pulls your skinny butt out of the pizza oven,” said Big Carmen.

“The beautiful, tough, edgy and burned out super model said yes,” said Little Carmen.

“Use is repeating the repeated, LL. Use don’t has the second part, which is more important than the first part. Now, I’m gonna ask my second fav,” said Big Carmen.

“I want’s use to meets my godchild by my friend Mario who owes me many favs and he just added a big one because he hasn’t done a fav for me,” said Big Carmen.

“Why do I get all the hard stuff?” bemoaned La Flor.

“This leads me to the turd fav,” said Big Carmen (yes, he said turd).

“What is the turd fav? You know you owe me big time for doing turd favs for you?”

La Flor is the master of the suck up as well as the master of many other wonderful gifts as as well.

“I know I owes use, beautiful, tough, edgy and I owes use a big fav,” said Big Carmen.

“As long as we got it straight, you handsome beyond all measures father of LC,” said La Flor.

“Big Bro, she’s got a way with the words. They spell binds me,” said Lil Carlo.

“Use is righteous, Lil Carlo. La Flor’s I wants use to mentor my godchild, Carmela. She’s waiting in the tomato sauce pantry. Use can tell she was named after some big shot.”

“Oh kay,” La Flor drew out the ‘Oh’ for five seconds and clanged the symbols on ‘kay.”

“What’s Pinky pole doing with his arm in the air?” asked Lil Carlo.

“I dunno. I tinks he gots to go number one or number two or number three, which is what I don’t want to know,” said Big Carmen.

“Hold it Pinky,” said Lil Carlo.

“Hey Carmela, get use selfie out here to meets use mentor,” hollered Big Carmen.

A smaller, younger, but not too much younger splitting image of La Flor walked out of the tomato pantry. She saw La Flor. She stopped. She gasped. She threw her hands over her heart, “Oh, La Flor. You are the most admired woman in the world. I want to be just like you. I try to look and dress like you, but no one can capture you exactly,” said Carmela.

“Come on over, girlfriend. Let’s go out for some wine and girl talk,” said La Flor.

“Can I come?” asked Little Carmen.

“LC, you drive. Wait in the car. Don’t bother us.”

“Okay.”

 

Use My Good Side

by

“How many times do I have to tell you LC, take the photos and video from my good side,” La Flor barking orders like a Marine drill sergeant.

(Note: after La Flor’s complaints about not getting top billing in dialogue I had no choice but to start today’s blog with her).

“But beautiful, tough, edgy and sexy and spicy model for Carmen’s Pizzeria use only has good sides,” pleaded Little Carmen.

“That’s true. A little English 101, LC, good, better, best. Comprehende? Only use my best sides. Good is not good enough and better is for losers,” La Flor fired at Little Carmen.

Off to the side, Big Carmen and Lil Carlo kibitz, “This is what I likes about the beautiful, tough, edgy and more popular than my pepperoni special on Super Bowl Sunday.”

“Big Bro, do use has to toss the salad for your establishment every time use mentions her,” said Lil Carlo.

“What I tell you about the cliches? Enough already. I forgot to mention the pepperoni pizza comes with extra cheese and is seven sixty-three today only.”

“Cut the chatter, LC can’t concentrate,” barked La Flor while checking herself out in the mirror.

“That’s because use is showing too much cleavage, which to me is not a bad thing,” said Big Carmen.

“The kid can’t handle it, Big Bro. She gots him wrapped around her little toe.”

“I agrees with that. Maybe I gots to find a substitute to handle the photos and video. What chu tinks?” said Big Carmen.

“What about the skinny red pencil with the comb over and eye twitch?” suggested twitch?” suggested

TT was standing next to LC holding a poster board that read, “If you want to be beautiful and nice as me, you’ll love Carmen’s Pizza.”

“LC, LC, LC zoom in on my face, por favor,” shrieked La Flor.

“I, keep forgetting too beautiful, tough, and edgy super model,” apologized Little Carmen.

“We gonna take a break and make some changes. Tings are not going as well as I tinks they should be going if use know what I means,” said Big Carmen.

“I know what you mean,” said TT trying his best to suck up to Big Carmen.Carmen.trying his best to suck up to Big Carmen.

“What was not going right?” demanded La Flor.

“Use was perfect, beautiful, tough, edgy and no one better cross your path super model. I was speaking about the photographer and I am going to make a switch.”

“What photographer?” said Little Carmen.

“The only one we got,” answered Big Carmen.

“I take great photos, can I take his place? Let me show you my work I did today,” said Little Carmen. He holds up his iPhone to Big Carmen.

“Dis is a family blog, delete those photos.”Dis is a family blog, delete those photos.”

“But Big Carmen, they’re all of the beautiful, tough, and edgy, brighter than the brightest star woman?”

“Delete or use knows what’s gonna happen.”

“Darn it.”

“Use is regulated to holding the poster board and TT gonna take use place. Gives him the iPhone.”

“My new, nobody in the world but me has one, iPhone? No. Please, No,” pleaded Little Carmen.

“That’s the one. Go get your Android.”

“Not my Android.”

“It’s all about me, remember,” shouted La Flor.

“Opps,” Big Carmen, Little Carmen, and TT said. Lil Carlo didn’t say anything, He was studying the horses for the fifth race at Pimlico.

Will the photo shoot ever end? Will Little Carmen get his new iPhone back? Will Lil Carlo pick a winner? Will La Flor ever be happy with any photo or video? So many questions. Did I mention Big Carmen’s sister Carmela?

 

 

You’re So Jealous of My Success

by

Six of us stand at various places in Carmen’s Pizzeria. La Flor, sporting way too much cleavage; Little Carmen appears to be a kid with an unlimited account to iTunes. I can’t tell if TT is blushing or if the hives are lingering. Then there’s Big Carmen and Carlo. Who’s Carlo? Read on. I’m a bit confused. Am I real, or, am I an alt ego? I’m walking a very thin tightrope between sanity and whatever else exists.

“What do use thinks of the beautiful, tough, and edgy model I gots to be the image for Carmen’s Pizzeria?” Carmen speaking to Carlo.

“Big bro, use thinks she digs older men?” said Carlo. Carlo’s nose has the shape of a large deli dill pickle.

“Listen up Lil Carlo, I gonna tell use the facts of life. I know’s use flips your lid. Nobody can holds a candle to her. And, if I mays use another overused cliche, I don’t want use acting like the green eyed monster. My baby, Little Carmen is enumerated wit her.”

Sometimes the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree (Another cliche? Is he losing his mind? Is this the best he can do?).

All five feet two inches of Lil Carlo looks up at Big Carmen, who is not as big a Little Carmen, but earned the title of Big Carmen because his five feet five inches is three inches taller than his older brother, Carlo, who by nature’s design has to physically look up to Big Carmen (You’ll be tested at the end on this, make notes).

“Now, that Ray is through writing some filler, use gots to know that Little Carmen’s gagaroni overs her.”

“Can we start Big Carmen. Did I forget to mention I know where LC gets his good looks?” said La Flor.

“Use got the good eyes, beautiful, tough, edgy and who’s gonna put Carmen’s Pizzeria all over the maps.”

Lil Carmen speaks, “I sees whats use means. She’s gots what chu call star powers. She’s one of a kind. Use hit paydirt wit her …”

Lil Carlo is interrupted by Big Carmen, “Enough with the cliches. I tinks we used up the quota.”

“How about me standing on top of the counter and you behind it, Big Carmen making a pizza for the first shot? I’ll say, ‘Big Carmen delivers.’ I made it up all by myself,” said La Flor.

“The kid’s …” Carlo’s interrupted by Big Carmen.

“A natural. A genius. A miracle. One in ten million. Use wants me to keep going?”

“I get the picture, Big Bro.”

Big Carmen takes a step toward La Flor. He concentrates to stare at her eyes. A difficult task for any male member of Carmen’s lineage. He said, “I never thought of something so profounding, use is gonna take this town like a tornadacane. For those who don’t know whats I mean, that’s a combo, like my pizza special for tonight, between a tornado and hurricane.”

“I got it all Big Carmen. We can put this one on Cable and on TV and on the Internetting and on Dishes,” said Little Carmen.

“LC, don’t you dare until I approve it. Besides, we haven’t really started. I’ve got a lot more poses for you. How about this pose,” said La Flor.

Big Carmen coos, “Use is making my blood rush to my head with that one, beautiful, tough, edgy and sexy model for Carmen’s Pizzeria.”

“And, this one?” said La Flor.

“Stop shooting. Lil Carlo passed out,” screamed TT.

Big Carmen started laughing, “You’re too much for him beautiful, tough, edgy and hotter than my extra spicy with three toppings large pizza for eight-ninety-six.”

TT hovers over Lil Carlo. He’s rubbing ice on Carlo’s face. TT looks at Big Carmen, “Do you think we should call 911?”

“No,” shouted Big Carmen. Then he added, “The cops raided me last week, but they didn’t find nothing. Use a cop or something?”

TT’s almost cleared up case of the hives is now in midseason form. He held Carlo’s hand and stared at him, “You’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”

Carlo opened his left eye, he stammered, “What the hell you holding my hand for? I not your girlfriend.” He paused for a moment, then screamed, “I tinks I’m going blind. I only gots one eye.”

I said, “TT, gently pull his right eyelid up.”

“I can sees. I can sees. This guy over here, he healed me.”

Big Carmen said, “This calls for celebrity (I think he meant to say celebration). I don’t feel like cooking. We all gonna go to Antonio’s Mexicano Supremo. He owes me a favor or three besides the five thousand dollars with compounding interest. It’ll be one the house. Or, like Antonio says, ‘It’ll be on the castanetoes (I’m sure he meant casa).

The photo shoot isn’t over. It’s interrupted, but not over.

“Wait a minute. Don’t end the blog. Did I get top billing today in the dialogue?” hollered La Flor. She added, “If I didn’t I don’t work until we do a redo.”

“But beautiful, tough, edgy, sexy, hot, and one in a google million zillion, Ray told me to intro Lil Carlo,” a downhearted Big Carmen said.

“I knew you were behind it, Ray. You are so jealous of my success.”

 

 

I Am Nice

by

“I’m not happy, Ray,” pouted La Flor.

“What’s your problem. You’re going on vacation with me. Your two puppies are coming along and they don’t have to be in cages. Why are unhappy?” I said. I know the answer, I’ll let La Flor do the honors.

La Flor gestured with her finger, “Why are you TSA approved and I am not? There’s a mistake. I don’t want to stand in the long line. I don’t want to take off my shoes. Anybody tries to pat me down, I’ll have LC smack them.”

“You don’t want to do that. It is not a good idea. He may get ten to twenty. Be nice or they won’t let you go to the gate,” I said.

“I am nice. That’s the point, Ray. Do I have to put my expensive, Italian leather handbag through the metal detector? I have important things in my handbag like my iPhone. My lip gloss. My concealer. My mascara. My moisturizer. Need I continue? They’ll ruin it. I’ll sue. I promise I’ll sue everyone who works at the airport.”

“Everyone?”

“Everyone. Even the retirees.”

The girl will not take no for an answer. I’ve got to admire her gumption.

I turned from La Flor to Little Carmen, “Is that a gold chain almost hidden by your chest hairs?”

“Un huh. I don’t believes in shaving my chest.”

“You’ll need to take off the gold chain, the gold bracelet, the expensive watch, and please button up your shirt, no one wants to see waving fields of black hair. Be like TT, he already has his shoes off. his belt is off and he has his plastic baggies with toiletries ready to go.”

“Look, Ray. See my sides. Uncle Guido game me the bracelet. Aunt Josephine gave me the gold chain.”

“What about the expensive watch?”

“Cousin Carl found it. Use know finders keepers. And, don’t asks where he found it. And also, if use thinks I’m taking these off for these TAS guys, use got another three guesses coming.”

“You tell him, LC,” said La Flor encouraging LC.

“It’s TSA. I’m ready to get in the pre approved line. If you guys make it through security, our plane to Vegas is at gate 11.”

“What do you mean, if? Can’t you write it in that we’re through security without a hitch and TSA said I was the most beautiful, tough, and edgy woman to ever go through?” said La Flor.

“No. Look, TT is in line. He has his boarding pass in his hand. He has his ID out. Looks like he’ll be going with me.”

“He is such a suck up,” said La Flor.

“Yah. And I could say other things abouts him, but I don’t want to offense anybody I already offended, if use knows what I mean,” said Little Carmen.

I got in the TSA approved line. I kept an eye on La Flor and Little Carmen. I wasn’t sure how the TSA blog writer was going to handle these two going through security. I wanted to holler a warning when I saw La Flor grab hold of Little Carmen’s hand and pull him out of line and walk around the security maze TSA uses to see who is intelligent enough to get to the screening area. It’s not going to be pretty.

TT is waiting for me when I pass through the metal detector. I go to the conveyer belt and wait for my suitcase and backpack. I hear my name,

“Ray, Ray hurry up, we’ll miss our flight. I need coffee. I need a snack,” shouted La Flor.

“Yah, the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman with friends every place needs use to hurry,” said Little Carmen.

I grabbed my backpack and took hold of my luggage and walked over to La Flor and Little Carmen. “How did you manage to get through security? You cut the line.”

“And, we didn’t take off our jewelry. We didn’t get scanned. We got through before you and you were pre approved,” La Flor said smugly.

“But how?”

“The beautiful, tough, and edgy woman is personal friends with the TSA blog writers girlfriend,” said Little Carmen.

“So, I made a call and told Emily that I was going to friend her if she encouraged her boyfriend to do me a tiny favor,” said La Flor.

“Just because you’re going to friend her?”

“I don’t give friending away easily. You have to do something for me,” said La Flor. Then she turned her attention to TT, “TT do you want to be my friend and do you want me to be your friend?”

A high pitched voice said, “Uh huh.”

“Good decision. TT, you can carry my carry on. Be careful with it, I have my extended beauty center in there. LC, you can get me my fav Starbucks drink and tell them who they’re making it for. Ray, you can walk with me to the gate and find me a seat where I won’t be near screaming kids. One other thing, Ray.

“What’s that, La Flor?” I was almost too afraid to ask.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

How does she get away with it? It’s a mystery.

 

 

 

You Can’t Live Without Me

by

“Question, Ray. When we go on our trip, why do I have to go through security?” said La Flor.

“Are you speaking about you and your two groupies?” I asked.

“No, I am speaking about the trip you and I are taking,” said La Flor matter of factly.

“I am going solo. Alone. Traveling with only those who fly with me, which does not include you, Little Carmen, or TT.”

“The way I see it, Ray. You’re wrong. Incorrecto. Mistaken. Try again, you had two choices and the one you chose does not work,” said La Flor laying out three suitcases.

“Give me one, only one good reason why I should let you accompany me on my trip,” I said.

“Oh please. Only one good reason?”

“Yes, and it better be solid gold.  A reason every sane person on the planet would agree as perfect,” I said as I put protein bars in my backpack.

“You’re not packing protein bars for a trip? How awful. To begin with, they taste horrible. The only reason to eat them is to let people think you eat healthily. While you’re at it, why don’t you stuff some kale and spinach leaves in your backpack.”

“I would but I can’t take EVOO on the plane. Don’t change the subject. You haven’t given me one good, solid gold reason for taking you along.”

“I’m going to give you three reasons. Will that satisfy you? said La Flor.

“They better be good,” I said.

“You can’t live without me,” a smug smile on La Flor’s face. Before I could answer, she added, “And, if you try, I’ll find you. I have alt ego friends at BookIt, Jetsetter, and Trivago. You can’t escape. I’ll have your photo plastered all over Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.”

“Are you threatening me?” I asked.

“No. I’m using the third rule of power persuasion.”

“Which is, La Flor?” I asked.

“If they don’t agree to your idea, give them an alternative that makes the idea sound great.”

“Where did you learn that?”

“LC’s uncle Carmen. He said it a little differently. But, I’m nice,” said La Flor.

“You’re not going to give me any peace until I say yes, am I right?” I asked.

“I promise I’ll be good. I won’t create a scene. I’ll stay in the background. You won’t have to worry about me.”

La Flor has a way of wearing me down, “You’ll have to go through TSA security. No check-in luggage and I get the window seat,” I said.

La Flor turned away from me, “Boys, he agreed. We’re going on vacation.”

From the adjoining room, two voices in acapella, one soprano, the other baritone said, “Thank you beautiful, tough, and edgy persuader.”

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