mob

How Do You Know It’s Not Illegal?

by

La Flor and LC took off early, they told me they were invited out for breakfast but wouldn’t say who invited them. I’m free – at least for a few hours. It’s not often I get some quiet time around here. Today’s a rare days and I’m taking advantage of it. I turned off the cell, shut off the iPad, closed the lid on my laptop. And, I brewed myself a generous cup of coffee. I take my coffee, bagel and cream cheese out to the patio. A sip of coffee. a bite of bagel, another sip of coffee, and then …

 

I hear the squealing of wheels. The screeching of brakes. The slamming of a car door, a pause, then the slamming of another car door. I know the pause, La Flor trained LC to open her door whenever she enters or exits a car, room, whatever. Then, the front door, recently repaired with reinforced hinges, a metal plate in the wall where the knob slams into the wall. The clang is loud enough to wake the city. My ears are ringing.

 

Appear La Flor and LC

 

“Ray, Ray, Ray,” said an excited La Flor.

 

I steel myself. Whenever La Flor’s excitement hits eleven on a scale of five, it’s not going to be good.

 

Before I can speak, LC hollers, “Ray-mo, Ray-mo, Ray-mo.”

 

It’s going to be worse than I can imagine. What blog writer helped them craft this storyline? I’ll get even, I won’t like their post today.

 

“Thanks for the coffee and bagel, Ray. Why didn’t you set a place for LC? Oh, never mind. Let me tell you what happened this morning,” said La Flor taking a bite of bagel, sip of coffee. She set the bagel down. “Bagels fill me fast, you can have the rest, LC.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Tanks beautiful, tough, and edgy I won’t steel (yes, he said steel instead of steal) your tunder,” said LC. Two bites later, my bagel is nowhere to be seen.

 

“Thank you, LC. You are a gentleman unlike others at this table. Ray, we had breakfast with O’Leary at Joey’s Donut Shop. Cops and their guests get free coffee and donuts.”

 

“Why did O’Leary want to have breakfast with you and LC?” I asked.

 

“O’Leary got chewed out by his boss because of the crime wave in his precinct. He wants us to help him crack the criminal capers,” said La Flor.

 

“Huh?”

 

“May I?” said LC.

 

“Bring it on home you lucky to have me as your girl hunk,” said La Flor.

 

“O’Leary says he wants us to be undercovers in the community. Use know, keeps our ears to the ground, our noses in everybody’s business, making sure we’s got a finger in every pie. See what I’m saying?”

 

I see where you’re going, straight to jail. I keep my thoughts to myself. “I see what you’re saying. What are you two supposed to do?”

 

“We’re getting paid under the table from a slush fund that the taxpayers don’t know nothing about. Plus they’re giving us expenses and a car they confiscated from low ball crooks.”

 

“Anything else?”

 

“Me and La Flor told him any pizza orders had to come from Carmen’s Pizzeria.”

 

“I’ll take it from here, LC. What’s really good about the new jobs, Ray, we get inside information on all the police action. This way, we can warn Big Carmen.”

 

“I thought you two were working for the police?”

 

“We are, Ray. You are so slow to catch on. We’re going to help the police get rid of all of Big Carmen’s competitors.”

 

“I think this is illegal.”

 

“No it’s not,” said La Flor.

 

“How do you know it’s not illegal?” I asked.

 

“Remember, I was an attorney. I know the law. I think I saw an episode of NCIS or CSI or was it a movie with Will Farrell or Adam Sandler?”

 

“When do you start working?”

 

“We’re going to stake out the Fur Palace tonight, the police got a tip it’s going to be hit. We’ve got perfect cover, we’re going to make out so no one will think we’re working for the police. Of course, we’ll call Big Carmen first and tell him not to hit it.”

 

“How can you watch what’s happening if you’re making out?” I asked.

 

“Watch what?”

 

“Huh.”

Nice Threads

by

Not quite the red carpet. But, every head in Lorenzo’s Trattoria turned and stared at La Flor and LC as they were escorted to the best table in the house, courtesy of a phone call by Big Carmen. One man grabbed his heart when La Flor tossed a smile at him. Several others appeared lightheaded. As for LC? Three women slid their keys and a note to edge of the table hoping he’d notice. Me? I trailed a good ten feet behind, warned not to spoil her highnesses entrance.

“I like to blend in, not be noticed,” said La Flor as the waiter looked at her and couldn’t remember the house specials.

“Yah, we’s jus an ordinary peoples going out for dinner. Dis tie is choking me. Do I has to wear it?” asked LC.

La Flor reached into her purse, brought out her iPhone X and gave LC a lock.

“All of a sudden, I feels likes I should wears one every day.

Lorenze, short, trim, expensive silk suit, looks more like a Harvard professor than the owner of a trattoria came to our table. “Good evening.” He stooped to kiss La Flor’s hand. “Use is the most beautiful, tough, and edgy woman to grace my trattoria. Everything is on the house. You need anything, you ask for me.” He turned to LC, “Little Carmen, you looking more and more like Big Carmen every day. Give your father my regards.”

“Do use have it in a wrapped box for me to gives it to him?” asked LC.

Lorenzo glanced at me. I said, “I’ll explain it.” Lorenzo folded his hands and made a slight bow to me.

We were half way through the antipasto when we heard a commotion from the front of the trattoria. Lorenzo passed by our table, Two big, keep the riffraff out, looking guys, close behind.

A moment later, Lorenzo came to our table, “Excuse me, there’s a detective by the name of O’Leary who needs to talk to you. Do you want to talk to him or should I have my men see to it he gets safely to his car?”

“O’Leary, he’s cool. But tell him use don’t serve donuts,” said LC.

Lorenzo gave a look of disgust and said, “His suit, if you want to call it that, is a Wal-Mart special, maybe Goodwill.”

La Flor started coughing, Her wine went down the wrong way. Her body gave a slight shiver, the thought of a Walmart suit in Lorenzo’s obviously offended her. Her shiver caused slight wardrobe malfunction, which she quickly fixed. She took a deep breath,  and said, “He can only stay four minutes and fifteen seconds. Will you time him, Lorenzo?”

“I will climb the highest mountain for you. I will walk on hot coals for you. I will go into a cage filled with lions for you. Do I make myself clear?”

La Flor blew Lorenzo a kiss.

LC said, “He gonna walk on hot coals? Is that the floor show?”

Enter O’Leary.

He takes a seat at the table, “Shame they don’t serve donuts with pasta, perfect combo.” O’Leary reaches across the table and grabs half of the bread from the bread basket. “I love Italian bread. I’m going to eat one piece and take the rest home while I watch TV.” He stuffed six small pieces into the inside pocket of his jacket.

I saw Lorenzo looking at his watch. I said, “O’Leary, you got about three minutes. Make it quick.”

“Do you guys mind if I take the rest of the bread? I’m hungrier than i taught (yes, he said taught instead of thought).”

LC passed the bread basket to O’Leary.

“Use guys hear any ting, any ting at all about a brake (yes, he said brake instead of break) in the ritzy men’s store, Wolfgang and Sons?”

“What they take?” said LC.

“An expensive coat and slacks, expensive silk shirt and silk tie, expensive shoes. The crazy thing, there was cuttings all over the floor. It looked like they personally fitted the clothes in the store.”

“Shame what’s happening in use precinct, O’Leary. If I hear any ting, use will be the second to know, My beautiful, tough, and edgy wonderful woman will be the foist.”

Fist bump.

O’Leary looked at LC. He reached and rubbed the lapel of LC’s coat, “Nice threads, where’d use get them.”

Not missing a beat, “Goodwill. I paid ten bucks for every ting.”

“I knew I should have gone to Goodwill instead of Walmart. What was I thinking?” said O’Leary hitting his head with the palm of his hand.

“It’s time,” said Lorenzo and his two associates. “Here is a bag of bread for you, on the house, detective.”

“Take good care of these folks, they are the salt of the earth,” said O’Leary sticking two pieces of bread in his mouth at once.

La Flor looks at me, “Don’t worry, Ray. LC’s going to donate them to Goodwill tomorrow.”

“Huh?”

It’s The Police – Any Donuts Left?

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“La Flor and LC we need to talk. Family discussion. I’ve got something that’s bothering me,” I said working on my fourth cup of coffee.

“Too much caffeine is gonna gives use the jitterbugs, Ray-mo. Maybe the runners,” said LC.

“I drink coffee when my anxiety cranks up,” I said in rapid speak. I need to buy an espresso machine, I’ll get my caffeine in one sip.

“It’s not your turn, Ray. Remember, I went first and we worked it out. We still have to have an intervention. My advice, get in line if you’ve got a problem. I heard Dr. Phil say this on a tough love segment.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll wait my turn. Let’s settle down. Where’s Big Carmen? Is he okay with it?” I asked.

“Two things. All Big Carmen knows is that you want to see him. And second, I’m not ready to settle down. LC would you pour me a glass of the good white wine, not Ray’s cheap stuff that ruins whatever he cooks. Add a few crackers and cheese to help me listen better,” said La Flor scrolling through her likes on all the social media.

“I is at use beak and call beautiful, tough, and edgy star of my dreams,” said LC.

Exit LC for five minutes.

Not again. The front door bangs against my wall, it bangs again, I hear a voice say, “Dat’s not good.” Then another voice, “Maybe he won’t notice it, move the lamp over.”

The handyman is now number one on speed dial.

Enter Big Carmen and his trusted lieutenant, Lil Carlo. Big Carmen stops at the entrance to the living room, he covers his eyes, pulls out his Ray-bans that hang over the third button of his shirt. The first two buttons left undone to show of his virility.

“I needs my shades to stop me from going blind from the glow of use beauty, beautiful, tough, edgy and sexy woman who might do a bit better than LC.”

I think I’m starting to understand the problem.

LC whispers to me, “I wish I coulds speak like Big Carmen. He can charm the ink off paper. He can tame a wild ballerina (I think he meant to say hyena). He can make woman fall all over him like he was a Castanova (He meant Casanova).”

La Flor, for her part, is no help, “Oh Big Carmen, you handsome lug. You say the sweetest things.” Thankfully, she didn’t do the leap. Instead, they meet halfway and hug, kisses on the cheeks barely avoiding the lips.

LC spoke up, He didn’t want La Flor and Big Carmen to have a moment, if you know what I mean. See, I’m now talking like these guys. LC said, “Ray-mo, tell Big Carmen whys he here.”

“Me?” I said pointing to myself.

“Tell him whats use said about the prevention,”

Big Carmen lets go of La Flor. La Flor glides over to the sofa and pats the seat next to her. Both LC and Big Carmen make for it. They slam the brakes. A knock at the door, a voice, it’s O’Leary saying what O’Leary says when he knocks on doors, “It’s the police, any donuts left?”

Big Carmen grabs me by the shoulders, “Did use rat me out?”

“No.”

“Why’s he here?”

“He’s LC’s friend.”

“He on the payroll, LC?” said Big Carmen.

“Do donuts count as being on payroll,” answered LC.

“No, but it’s a good start.Answer the door, Ray. We don’t want to keep the first responders waiting,” said Big Carmen.

La Flor helps out with the  sticky problem of where to sit when she slid to the middle of the sofa. LC went to her left. Big Carmen to her right. And La Flor right where she liked to be, in the middle of it all.

I walked O’Leary into the living room. His first words, “Hi Big Carmen I feel like I know you. The vice squad is always bringing up your name.”

“I hope what they has to say is good. Next time use sees them, tell them about my copper special, Free pizza on Saturday nights for cops in uniform.”

O’Leary looked crushed, “What about plainclothes cops?”

Big Carmen looked O’Leary up and down, “Yah, I feels sorry for use. Use clothes is plain enough. Use can have free pizza too. Now why we here.”

La Flor said, “Ray said, you were making a play for me and it’s making LC nervous because you’re so handsome, you’re blue eyes see right through me, and your muscles, oh your muscles, do you hit the gym every day?”

I thought LC was going to start crying.

Big Carmen looked at La Flor, then he looked at LC, then he looked at me, then he looked at O’Leary, “Use wearing a wire?”

“That’s only on TV. Nobody wears wires anymore. I like hanging out here. Ray wrote me in his blog.”

Big Carmen said, “Good to know who I gotta watch.” He jabbed an index finger toward me.  He took hold of La Flor’s hand, and said, “I only knows one way to say it …

O’Leary put his index and middle finger on his lower lip and blew. A wet, sloppy fizzing sound came out. “I can’t get the handle of the whistle. Not to worry folks, I took a workshop on family disputes. I only stayed until they were out of donuts, But maybe I learned something.”

Big Carmen said, “What kind of family, this family or the other family. Besides be quiet I got something to ask the beautiful, tough, and edgy every man’s heart throb.”

What is Big Carmen going to ask La Flor? Come back tomorrow to find out.

He Dedicated His Life To Pleasing Her

by

Few things in life are certain. One thing is for sure, La Flor’s interest in career opportunities has a shelf life of 24 hours. Don’t believe me. Follow along.

“Ray, I need a career change. I’ve accomplished all a human being can accomplish in the medical field. It’s time to move on, don’t you think?” asked La Flor.

“What’s the real reason?” I asked.

“Big Carmen asked me if I took care of bullet wounds. The only red I like is when I put it on my lips,” said La Flor.

“I think it’s time for a career change.”

“Are you proud of my accomplishments in the medical field?”

“You only worked with one patient, Lil Carlo,” I said.

“Yes, and everything I did was a medical breakthrough. I’ve got to leave some breakthroughs for other people,” said La Flor.

“What kind of change are you thinking about?” I said.

“Oh, it’s set and this one is permanent,” La Flor said with enthusiasm.

“Okay?”

“LC and me are going to be a famous duo. Like Ike and Tina, Sonny and Cher, Marie and Donny, Otis and Carla.”

“What about the Everly Brothers, Simon and Garfunkel?” I added.

“Get real, Ray. LC should be here any minute, we’re going to write our first song and then sing it acapella for you,” beamed La Flor.

“Don’t go through any trouble,” I said.

“LC sings like an angel. He’s better than Buble. Sinatra might have been famous if he sang like LC. Justin Bieber? Wish in one hand, you know what in the other, guess which one Bieber will get first? Taylor Swift would give anything to replace me and now she can drool. Need I go on?” asked La Flor.

“No, I get the picture.”

“LC is an accomplished musician; of course, your prejudiced and wouldn’t notice,” said La Flor.

“An accomplished musician? I’ve never seen him with an instrument,” I said.

“He’s a private person. He could be a star in his own right. He isn’t because he’s dedicated his life to pleasing me,” said La Flor.

“Wise choice. What instrument has he mastered?” I asked.

“The air guitar,” said La Flor without a hint of smile.

A screech of tires. A door slamming. A siren in the distant background. I ran to the front door, and opened it just in time to avert the explosion of my door against the wall. LC dove headfirst into the entrance way, sliding ten feet across the Saltillo tile on his full body spandex suit.

“Close the door, Ray-mo. Quick,” he hollered.

I closed the door. LC pulled off his ski mask, latex gloves, and said, “I needs a beer. It’s hot working in a ventilator system. Do me a fav and burn my clothes.”

La Flor has perfected the leap, which she performed with amazing dexterity. Legs around LC’s waist, arms around LC’s neck. Lips synchronized to lock on contact. I turned and walked to the fridge. It’s my first choice when my anxiety level kicks up a notch.

Twelve minutes later, five minutes for the gymnastics, five minutes to change, and two minutes to pack his discarded clothes in a donation bag to leave at the church. LC comes out of the bedroom donation bag in his right hand, the remnants of his bottled beer in his left hand.

“I am ready to compose and dispose is use know what I mean,” said LC proud of his quip.

“Leave the bag in the hallway, Ray can carry it to church when we go on Sunday. I don’t want to you to be caught, I mean messing up your clothes with it,” said La Flor.

“Huh?”

Come by tomorrow to see the duo’s first song. They promise it will be a hit.

 

Your Brain Is Working Fine

by

The following is a part of a series, sometimes serialized, sometimes spontaneous. It’s all farce. The characters are all fictitious and fun to be around. ENJOY!

LC, dressed in blue scrubs, paces back and forth across the living room. He stops at every turn to check his iPhone. Slips it back into his pants and commences walking. LC and La Flor turned my living room into an examination office. My smart TV is in my bedroom. A folding table with a white sheet is now the examination table. Life as I used to enjoy it is evaporating.

“LC, stop pacing, you’re making me dizzy,” I said.

“Use is getting dizzy? Whats about me. I’m the one doing the pacing and then the turning and then the pacing and then the turning . . .”

“Okay, continue pacing. What are you worried about?” I asked.

“How could use tell? Dis is like my beautiful, tough, and edgy woman’s first patient. She’s got special plans for Lil Carlo and I hopes they works. I tinks they will save his life.”

Save Lil Carlo’s life? Special plans? I don’t like the sound of this. “What kind of special plans does La Flor have in mind?” I ask.

Before LC can answer, cymbals crash, a cherry bomb goes off, a car backfires in front on my house. Then I hear, “Sorry about the wall, Ray. I’m here for my annual physical,” said Lil Carlo. All five feet two inches, one hundred and ten pounds, most of it in his nose and ears, walks into the living room.

Before I can say a word, Lil Carlo pats his windbreaker, “Tell the doc, I ain’t taking off my gun no matter what. I sleeps with it on. I showers with it on. I go to the can with it on. After I dump someone in the river, I go to confession with it on. So, I am not going to take it off.”

“Don’t worry about it, Lil Carlo. Use don’t have to take off use clothes for this inspection,” said LC.

“Do I has to bend over or anything like that?” said Lil Carlo a hint of fear in his eyes.

“No, that’s disgusting. The beautiful, tough, and edgy one never does anything disgusting,” beamed LC. Then he added, “Would use like a beer, glass of wine, or a shot of whiskey before use is examined?”

“I like this already. I’ll take all three if their free,” said Lil Carlo settling into the sofa.

“They is on the house because use is a milestone, not to be confused with a kidney stone. Make you self comfortable while I gets use drinks,” said LC.

A cooing voice from a bedroom, “LC let me know when Lil Carlo finishes his drinks, I’ll be out to examine him.”

Lil Carlo tossed down the shot of whiskey, drained a bottle of beer without coming up for air, swirled the wine in his mouth before sending it down his esophagus. “Not every day, burp, that I gets to be, burp, examined, burp, by eye candy, burp.”

What happened next will be written about in the Harvard Medical Journal. The Mayo Clinic will send a team to study the technique. Bill Gates will donate millions to spread the knowledge. It’s a family blog and I will keep it to the bare minimum facts. Speaking of the bare minimum.

Dr. La Flor walked into the living room with a stethoscope draped around her neck that one can only say was purchased at the Dollar Store. She was not wearing the traditional white coat, instead, she did her shopping at Fredericks of Hollywood, and was wearing a negligee.

Lil Carlo grabbed hold of his shot glass, held it straight out, the nurse practitioner, AKA LC, filled it. Lil Carlo tossed it down and held out his arm again.

Dr. La Flor sat of the sofa next to Lil Carlo. She put the plastic ends to the toy stethoscope in her ears, and placed the stethoscope on Lil Carlo’s forehead, “Your brain is working fine.”

She moved the stethoscope to Lil Carlo’s ears, “Your hearing is perfect. Why are you breathing so hard? Did you just finish working out?”

Lil Carlo attempted to speak, but, confused, he started singing, “A well’a bless my soul / What’sa wrong with me? / I’m itchin’ like a man in a fuzzy tree / My friends say I’m actin’ wild as a bug / I’m in love / I’m all shook up.*”

Dr. La Flor said, “I want to meet the lucky girl, Lil Carlo. Stand up, this is a special test I invented. Stand up.”

“My, my knees are weak, beautiful, tough, and edgy eye candy doctor,” said Lil Carlo.

“Come on, I’ll help you,” said Dr. La Flor taking hold of Lil Carlo’s hand. “Now, put your left foot in, Your left foot out, your left foot in, and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey And turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.”

“Dats whats it’s all about?” whimpered Lil Carlo.

“Yes. That’s what it’s all about. You passed. Tell Big Carmen you got an A plus on your annual physical.

“Use give me a reason to live another year. Use is the best doc I ev ah had,” said Lil Carlo.

“I am good,” said La Flor.

“Huh?”

*Lyrics from All Shook Up lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd

 

Do I Hear an Amen?

by

The following is a part of a series, sometimes serialized, sometimes spontaneous. It’s all farce. The characters are all fictitious and fun to be around. ENJOY

Amazing. A sense of euphoria! I’m shocked! Stunned silence! What happened? I’ll let La Flor tell you.

“It was simply awesome. Who makes people saints? I got to talk to her because Big Carmen has to be made a saint,” said La Flor.

“I think you have to be dead to be saint,” I said.

“That’s all wrong, Ray. Big Carmen took all the money from this weeks collections and we flew down to Houston, then to Tampa and he donated it. Every cent. He’s not even going to declare it on his income tax. Did you see LC helping distribute the pizzas we took down from Carmen’s Pizzeria? He was doing the work of seven men and four women. You know I said four women, because a woman does almost twice the work of a man and gets twice less pay. Let me hear it girls! Do I hear an Amen?”

“Why?” I asked.

“Of course your prejudice. After all he collects from the rich and gives to the needy. That’s the way it should be.”

“It may not be quite legal,” I said.

Doesn’t matter. Big Carmen inspired me. I know what I want to do with the rest of my life.”

“You do?”

“Yes! I am going to be doctor. I am going into family practice. I’ll be great. No, I’ll be awesome. I may get my own TV show.”

“It takes years of study, La Flor. You can’t be a doctor without going to medical school.”

“Says who? I know already everything I need to know and what I don’t know, I’ll have LC Google it. Think about it, Ray. I work a couple hours in the morning, have LC do the rest. I make lots of money. And, I become famous.”

“Sound like you’re going into medicine for all the right reasons,” I said.

“I seeing my first patient tomorrow,” said La Flor.

“You’re not a doctor,” I said.

“I beg to differ. I have proof,” La Flor reached into her handbag and pulled out a freshly printed business card.

Dr. La Flor

Specializing in Family Practice and Whatever Else Ails you.

“This will work!” I have to check the alcohol content of the wine she’s drinking. Then I said, “Who’s your first patient?”

“I’m giving Lil Carlo his annual physical. It’s an organization requirement. Big Carmen said I could be the family’s doctor,” La Flor said cocking her hair toward the front door.

The earth moved slightly, the a second tremor was felt from the 6.2 earthquake. Then from the hall, “Use got to do someting about the whole (yes, he said whole instead of hole) in the wall. Can I bee (yes he said bee instead of be) the second patient for an annual physique,” hollered LC.

“Come in here you physical specimen. Catch me,” said La Flor. One, two, three steps legs locked around LC’s hips, arms around his neck, and lips connecting. Maybe this could be an Olympic sport. I’ve got to think about the Alt Ego Olympics.

They untangled five minutes later. La Flor, grabbed hold of LC’s arm. “Ray, check out my nurse practitioner.”

“Huh?”

Come by tomorrow for Lil Carlo’s annual physical.

 

An Offer I Can’t Refuse?

by

“Ray, I gotta to make use an offers use can’t refuse. Use and use garage gonna come with me and we gonna fly outa town in my friend’s private jet.”

Did he mean to say entourage instead of garage? My entourage? La Flor and LC? Really? Is this a plot so Big Carmen can toss me out at 30,000 feet. I don’t want to jump even with a parachute. Can I get a friend to write a note for me and sign my mother’s name telling Big Carmen I’m sick and can’t make it?

Instead, I say, “I don’t know, Big Carmen. I’ve had plans for weeks for today. So many people will be disappointed.”

Big Carmen scratches his head, pulls on his ear lobe and scratches and adjust a place better left to your imagination. Think baseball player.

Before either of us can speak. We hear, “Well, how do I look?”

Of course, who else but La Flor. Big Carmen hustles over to La Flor, his arms spread wide for a hug. La Flor holds up her hand, “No can do, Big Carmen. LC hasn’t seen me. He’ll be here any minute with the wheels to take us to the airport.”

“Scuse me, beautiful, tough, and edgy dish that looks more tasteful than my pasta special with meatballs tonight for $4.99,” drooled Big Carmen.

What do I say to top Big Carmen? La Flor looks better than a mocha frappucinno with extra whipped cream and caramel sauce? I don’t think so. So, I say, “Tickets to a Broadway show? You look great.”

La Flor gives me a La Flor look. It’s like a cat that looks at a mouse and without moving a step, swipes her paw and sends it crashing into the wall. She said, “Is that the best you can do? You didn’t notice my hair? Mention how I make the clothes look better. Or, say anything about my sparkling eyes, warm lips, or exquisite figure. My full red lips? You need to be more like Big Carmen.” She walks over and gives Big Carmen a kiss on his cheek leaving a perfect image of her kiss.

“I’m not going wash my cheek, ev ah,” said Big Carmen.

A rifle shot. I jump. A small explosion. I jump again. “I’m home,” yelled LC.

My poor wall. My poor door. My handyman bill.

LC comes in, says, “Big Carmen, I couldn’t rent the limo from Starza. He’s all out. But he sent me to the competition.”

“How much it cost use?” said Big Carmen.

“Nothing. When I got to Limo’s Unlimited. There was a limo all gassed up and ready to go. The driver must have gone in to take a leak or something other that I don’t want to say because Ray-mo is always telling me it’s a family blog. Anyway, I say in a normal voice like I’m talking to use right now, ‘Anybody mind if I takes this limo free of charge?'”

“Anybody say no?” asked Big Carmen.

“Not a word. That means I got legal permission to take it as long as I want it. But I only want it long enough to take us to the airport. Lil Carlo is over there and he’ll take it back or dump it in the river. Whichever is closer.”

“Use got a good head on use shoulders, LC,” said Big Carmen beaming with pride.

“Well, LC? Am I invisible?” La Flor’s words melt a solid quart of ice cream into a gooey mess.

“Oh, oh!” said LC. “I am so sorry. I was excited about the limo. Can use forgive me sweet, kind, compassionate, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

“Are you going to surprise me with an expensive present?” said La Flor.

“My two minds are already working on it,” Maybe’s I’m going to get use three presents.

“Okay, you’re forgiven. Now, come over here so I can kiss you,” said La Flor.

“We gots a problemo, beautiful, tough, and edgy dream.”

“I love it when you talk Spanish, LC. Kiss me!”

“I needs use kiss like I needs oxygen and beer, but we gots to go before somebody mistakenly calls the coppers about the limo,” said Big Carmen.

“Huh?”

How Much Did I Win?

by

“I’m here,” screams LC.

I already know he’s here. I heard the door slam against the wall. I heard a lamp fall over from the vibration.

I hear LC say, “Dare’s somethin wrong wits use door. One of the knobs is stuck in the wall. I felt my BP go into a steep rise. I’m already wondering if I should brick in the wall behind the door. Maybe a solid stainless steel sheet. A wall made of bulletproof vests. I have all kinds of options.

Then LC hollers as if he is at the top of Pike’s Peak and wants to see how far his voice will carry, “Use won. Use won beautiful, tough, edgy who knows how to play the numbers.”

What’s LC talking about, the numbers? No way, La Flor is gambling with Big Carmen and his associates. I loosely call them associates because that’s what Big Carmen calls them. I don’t want to make the mistake of saying made men, killers, knee busters, and fill in the blank.

La Flor runs in off the deck, slamming the door agains the wall, a vase falls over, water over the floor. Flowers desperately trying to sip the last bit of water into their system. Good thing, it was a plastic vase. Slamming the door is contagious. I wonder if I’m vulnerable.

Bikini, sun tan lotion and all, La Flor throws her five foot two inches, size zero four feet into LC’s waiting arms and kisses him. “You bring me glad tidings, LC?”

What is she doing, trying out for Shakespeare in the Park?

LC answers, “I bringith thee a high tide of tidings. My beautiful, tough, and edgy lady.”

“Are you two practicing for Shakespeare in the Park?”

She pulls back, wraps her legs around LC’s waist and says, “Yes, now be quiet, Ray. LC, how much did I win?”

“Big Carmen says use won nine hundred, seventy one dollars. All of its tax free. So don’t report none of it because he will deny he ever paid it. If use knows what I means.”

La flor let go of LC’s neck, slid down his body until her feet landed on the tile. She stepped back and stuck out her hand.

“Hold on. LC are you a bookie? What’s going on? Why didn’t hear about it?”

“What chu talkin bout, Ray-mo. I don’t got no books. What makes use think I’m a bookie? Do I looks like I belongs in library?” said LC.

“Don’t play coy, LC. You know what I mean. Do you take bets for Big Carmen?” I said.

“I likes to play craps, maybe poker, but I never plays coy. Is it a card game?” said LC earnestly. Use got to excuse me, I got business to attend to. LC reaches into his pocket and begins counting off one-hundred dollar bills, “One hundred, two hundred.” You get the drift.

Before La Flor can run away, I said, “You’re involved in illegal gambling. It’s not right. What did you gamble on?”

La Flor said, “What’s the temperature in San Antonio?”

I checked, “91 degrees.”

“What’s the temperature in Chicago?” she asked.

I checked, “68 degrees.”

“What’s the temperature in Phoenix?” asked La Flor.

I checked, “It’s 99 degrees.”

“The way one of the games works, Ray. You choose six numbers based on the temperature at 4 p.m. in three U.S. cities, one from the south, one from the north, and one from the west. I hit all six numbers and I only played a dollar. I have my eye on a new pair of shoes.”

“It’s illegal,” I said.

“May I remind you, your grandmother ran numbers.”

“But she was a single mom with eleven children. Cut her some slack.”

“She was doing a community service and so is Big Carmen.”

LC interrupted. “If I may. I get use drift. Use think I am collecting bets for Big Carmen. That is the furtherest thing from the furtherest thing. Big Carmen never, no how, no way does anything illegal or legal. It works like magic. Like La Flor wrote some numbers on a piece of paper with her name. She rolled it up and accidentally pressed it into Big Carmen’s hand when they hugged. Now I asks use, is that betting? I say not.”

What did LC just say? I got lost after he said, ‘If I may.’

La Flor ignored me. She said, “Big Carmen’s running a different game next week. It will be the final number of points the Cowboys, Bears, Seahawks, and Giants score in the weekend games. If you get all the numbers it’s 10,000; five, it’s a thousand; and, if you get four it’s 100. You want in? Or, are you too cheap?”

“I am not cheap.”

“Then bet a dollar.”

“No.”

“Cheap,”

“Not.”

“Cheap, cheap, cheap.”

It went on like this for four blog pages, but I deleted them so you’d have time to figure out your numbers and contact Big Carmen.

 

 

I Don’t Want To Go To A Sport’s Bar

by

“Ray, don’t be a stuck in the mud. Turn off your iPad and cut loose with LC and me. We’re going to Big Carmen’s sports bar. There’s some kind of big game, ” said La Flor dressed in a way to short circuit the male brain.

“I don’t want to go to a sports bar. Big Carmen owns a sports bar? I thought he only owned a pizzeria,” I said while moving my fingers on my iPad.

LC (note: I’m tired of writing Little Carmen every time I speak. I’m getting carpel tunnel in my fingers) grabbed hold of my iPad. “Let go Ray-mo, it’s for use own good. Use can watch the big game.”

“No, I need my my iPad. How will I find out what’s happening? How will be able to check Yelp? How will I see if I’m getting retweeted? What big game?”

LC gives a yank, nearly pulls off the sofa, “If use excuses me, use can have use iPad back when the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman I adore says use can. As for the udder (yes, he said udder, not other) questions, the pizzeria is only a front. Don’t remember I said that. Big Carmen gets touchy about such stuff. As for the big game, I tinks it’s a soccer match between two clubs nobody ever heard about.”

“A front for what?” I asked.

“What am I am gonna tell him beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

They whisper. They look at each other. They whisper again. They look at each other. They whisper some more. La Flor said, “LC is ready to tell you. LC get really, really close to me.”

“Okay.”

La Flor whispers in LC’s ear. LC says, “I means to say it is an affront.”

La Flor whispers again into LC’s ear, “To tinks that it is a front for anything other than which it is, which is namely a pizzeria.”

“Good boy,” La Flor pats LC on the back of his head. I’m waiting for her to scratch his belly and see LC’s foot jumping.

“So, you going or are you going to stay home and watch reruns? asked La Flor.

“Okay, I’ll go. Do I have to get dressed up for this place? What’s it called?” I tossed two questions. Maybe I confused the issue.

“I suggest getting out of your scrubby, dirty, so old they get a senior’s discount Nike’s, rumbled workout shirt, and the excuse for jeans you’re wearing and think Sport’s Bar.”

“I am thinking sports bar. I think I’d fit right in.”

“We’ve got so much work to do with him LC.”

“Yah, beautiful, tough, and edgy one, and so little time to do it. Especially if we is leaving in fifteen minutes,” said LC.

“You’re both wearing jeans,” I said.

“I’m poured into mine. LC’s are the straight leg, macho paints. His muscular waist and can I say six pack, accentuates his broad shoulders. Notices his form fitting casual shirt. I am going to show LC off and if anyone tries to sidle up to him, Lil Carlo promised he’d help out.”

“Lil Carlo?”

“Yah, Ray-mo. He’s the muscle tonight,” said LC.

“I’ll be back in a minute. One minute later, “How do I look?”

“Seriously?” said La Flor.

“Can you be kind?” I said.

“You’ve got no worries, you’ll be coming home with us.”

“Huh?”

That’s The Rule

by

“Ray, am I right when I say there is a house rule where we can express ourselves without fear?” the snarky remark coming from La Flor.

Oh, oh. My mind races back 24 hours. There was La Flor’s incident with her mystery writer blog friend. They were wearing the same outfit. I got blamed. There was the incident with Little Carmen when he brought her the wrong Starbucks drink. I got blamed. There was the incident where Carmela and TT got a line more attention than she and Little Carmen did. I got blamed.

I decide to jump in the deep end, “That’s the rule.”

It’s not good when her arms go akimbo and she cocks her head to the left, and gestures with her right index finger. It looks like I hit the trifecta.

Her forefinger can within inches from my nose. No nose jokes please. La Flor said, “Yesterday. Yesterday. Yesterday.”

I replied, “Yes, yesterday was yesterday. Where are you going with yesterday? Do you realize it’s today and tomorrow is tomorrow.”

“I am so grateful LC is not like you. He’s sensitive. He’s smart. And, he’s secure in his own skin. Unlike some people I know whose name begins with R and means rat.”

I hold up my hand, “We have another rule, no insults, disparaging remarks.”

La Flor holds up her hand, “We have another rule to always tell the truth.”

I hold up my hand, “We have another rule, it has to be the truth and not an opinion.”

La Flor holds up her hand, “We have another rule, if the opinion is the truth then it’s okay to state an opinion.”

I hold up my hand, “We have another rule, “If the truth is going to hurt, try to say it in a way that is compassionate and kind.”

La Flor holds up her hand, “We have another rule, “If it hurts, suck it up and deal with it.”

“That’s not our rule,” I said.

“Yes, it is. LC and I voted on it this morning,” said La Flor.

“I wasn’t present for the vote.”

“You don’t have to be present if there is a quorum.”

“Were TT and Carmela present?”

“No, but I made them give me their proxies.”

“You made them?”

“Yes. I gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Big Carmen and Lil Carlo.”

“They’re sweet.”

“What’s the issue you wanted to talk about?”

“What issue?”

Another stimulating conversation with La Flor that leaves me talking to myself.

 

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