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My Conscience Is Speaking

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“I never thought you’d ask me,” said my conscience with a hint of I told you so in his voice.

“I always listen to you. It’s my number one rule. You know that,” I retorted.

“Should I list the times you didn’t listen to me to your readers? Imagine what La Flor, Little Carmen, TT, and Carmela will think of you if I post your slip ups on my Facebook page.

“You wouldn’t?” I asked.

“I don’t have a conscience to listen to. I am the conscience.”

“I don’t like your attitude,” I said.

“I don’t like you hanging out with shady characters. Do you read your blogs?” My conscience asked.

“If I could like them more than once I would read them all day,” I said.

“Ah, the ego has taken hold of you. That’s the problem, isn’t Ray? Think of where you’re leading Little Carmen. The nitwit can’t find his way home when he’s on the sidewalk in front of his house. What about La Flor? She’ll flirt with anyone who rich, and will help her get all she wants. Is that the kind of character you want to create?”

“Hey, conscience. Cut La Flor some slack. She’s beautiful, tough, and edgy. She’s smart. She’s savvy. I like La Flor,” I said.

“Oh, I get it, you want to move Little Carmen aside so you can have La Flor all to yourself.”

“What are you talking about? She’s an alt ego. A created character. No wonder I don’t listen to you.”

“Life would be better if you did?” said my conscience.

“What do you suggest. I’m giving you a chance and it better be good.”

“La Flor should go to a third-world country and do missionary work. Little Carmen should be a Big Brother to inner city kids. TT should work for Apple. And, Carmela, she can wait on tables at Carmen’s Pizzeria.”

“What about Big Carmen and Lil Carlo?” I asked.

Before my conscience can speak. …

“Hey, Ray. Is your conscience bothering use?” said Big Carmen swaggering into the room.

“Stay out of this Big Carmen. It’s between Ray and me,” said my conscience.

“I needs the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. My boy is going to gets a very serious promotion when I can thinks of something to promote him to. And, as for Lil Carlo, give me a break. He’s got a good heart, even if he’s nuts. Now beat it, and leave my man, Ray alone.”

“Thanks, Big Carmen.”

“I’m watching you, Ray,” said my conscience pointing his finger at me as he walked out the door.

He Got A Very Serious Promotion

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Our black stretch stretch limo pulled in front of Carlini’s Trattoria. It’s Friday night. The sidewalk is crowded. I’m staring out the window of the black stretch limo. I turn to Little Carmen, “What are those two guys that look like they belong on America’s Most Wanted doing in front of Carlini’s?”

“You means cousin Paul and cousin Joe?” said Little Carmen.

“I don’t know their names. I mean the guys wearing sunglasses at 8 p.m. Tight black tees.”

“They were on America’s Most Wanted until they weren’t America’s Most Wanted,” said Little Carmen as the limo driver pulled to a stop, got out of the limo, and went over and talked to the I’m on steroids Black Tee.

“What does that mean?” I said.

“I dunno. It’s how Big Carmen explains it to me.”

“You accept it without question?” I asked.

“Yah.”

A moment later, a beaming Big Carmen, silk shirt open at the collar, black and silver hair sticking out, is at the limo door. The driver opens the door. La Flor extends her hand. She’s wearing a black, sheik, sexy fit me better than my skin silk dress with her new pearl necklace and earrings.

“My beautiful, tough, and edgy woman, you looks more beautiful, tough, and edgy than even Sciencestein thinks probable,” said Big Carmen as he kissed La Flor’s hand.

“Dat is such a smoothie move, Ray-mo. Sees how I learns everyting I knows from Big Carmen?” said Little Carmen.

“I can see how you’ve turned out so well,” I said. I not going to take a chance to get anyone upset with the black tees standing on either side of Big Carmen.

“Why are we here? I asked Little Carmen.

“I dunno. Big Carmen said he’s happy and is tossing a party for us and some of the family.”

I step out of the limo, Big Carmen has La Flor on his arm heading for the trattoria. I said, “Hi Big Carmen.”

The entourage stops. The black tees stare at me. Big Carmen turns, “Hi, Ray. I didn’t sees use because the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman was blinding me with her beauty. If I was twenty years younger LC has no chance.”

Little Carmen taps me on my shoulder, “Man, am I happy Big Carmen is older than me. Go figure how that happened.”

Phil Carlini, the owner, leads to a table that looks like it was set for the President and First Lady and entourage. Waiters fill our wine glasses, Big Carmen stands. He raises his glass, “To my cousin’s cousin, Phil Carlini, who closed his trattoria on his best night of the week because I wanted to toss a little party. Go figure.”

Phil shrugs his shoulders.

I whisper to La Flor, “What’s going on? Why are we having this dinner?”

“You didn’t hear?”

“I didn’t hear what?”

“Big Carmen is promoting Little Carmen. My man is making his way in the world,” said La Flor.

“Why? Promoted to what?” I asked.

“He did such a great job the other night getting the things Big Carmen needed. Lil Carlo gave him an A on his report. LC and don’t know anything about his promotion, we’ll learn tonight. We know it’s a serious promotion. Are you proud of LC?” asked La Flor.

“I can hardly catch my breath.”

“I get that,” said La Flor.

Big Carmen, still standing with a glass of wine, “I gotta toast LC. Salute! My boy, my son, my prides and joys I am giving a serious, very serious promotion the details will be worked out when they are worked out.”

Little Carmen stands waves, and sits. La Flor wraps her arms around him and kisses him.”

Somethings are best left alone.

 

What Comes Around Goes Around

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“Why are you pacing back and forth, looking out the window, and checking your iPhone?” I asked La Flor.

She stopped pacing, turned and glared at me with her arms akimbo, and said, “I’m pacing for my cardio work. I’m looking out the window because I’m on neighborhood watch, and I’m checking my iPhone to make sure there is no fake news about me.”

“You expect me to believe that story?” I asked.

“Why not? You fall for everything else I say,” she said and went to the window and looked down the street.

“What are you worried about?” I asked.

“Can you tell? I thought I was hiding it so well,” La Flor said.

“It was a wild guess. Are you worried about Little Carmen? What’s he up to?”

“Why would I be worried about LC? He’d never do anything wrong. He’d never do anything illegal. He’d never have to make bail. Oh Ray, LC’s with Lil Carlo.”

“I warned you. I told you not to get mixed up with Big Carmen and Lil Carlo. You wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Go back and rewrite everything. You’re the one writing the blog. Fix it. Make LC a College president who always sucks up to me. All you have to do is change a sentence her, a paragraph there, and title now and then and hit update. How hard is that? You’re my friend right?”

“I’m your friend, but …”

The door, my wall, the handyman bills are going to keep piling up.

“I’m home beautiful, tough, and edgy one. I gots some surprises for use,” said Little Carmen wearing a black stocking hat, gloves, and black T.

“Ray, push the pause on that last request until I check out the surprises,” said La Flor. She turned to Little Carmen and said, “Come over here you fine male specimen, what did you bring your beautiful, tough, and edgy woman?”

“After I helped out Big Carmen, me and Lil Carlo picks up a few things on the way out.”

The way out of where? What did Big Carmen have him doing? I may as well get it over with. “Little Carmen, what did you and Lil Carlo do tonight?”

“It was an easy squeezy job Ray-mo. Big Carmen was running low on crushed tomatoes, wine, and imported anchovies, imported meats, and the most expensive cheeses money can buy. We gots them for him. And, when we were finished, I stopped by an old acquaintance’s house and got a few gifts of which I am going to show my beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

My heart started pounding. I have visions of being raided. I’m watching Little Carmen hand La Flor a string of small pearls and matching earrings.

“Ray, how do they look? You never got me pearls. LC is so thoughtful, kind, and masculine,” said La Flor before she threw herself into Little Carmen’s arms and kissed him.

I walked out the room and let them have their space. I turned on my computer. Out of habit I checked the local news.

Chef Vigeli’s Culinary School Hit By Thieves.

In a related story, world renowned Chef Leo Vigeli’s house was hit by burglars who took an undetermined amount of jewelry. Chef Vigeli says it’s probably a culinary school prank and won’t file a police report.

“Huh?”

Fill My Soaker Tub

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“LC lets think about the basics,” said La Flor holding Little Carmen’s hand.

“Do use mean basically this and basically that,” asked Little Carmen.

La Flor said, “You’re so adorable, muscular, and … and … and.”

“And, what’s, beautiful, tough, and edgy one,” asked Little Carmen.

“Getting back to basics, LC. I want a poem every day telling me how wonderful I am,” said La Flor.

“I already has one ready, “Roses are red, violets are blue no one is cuter than use.”

“We’ll skip the poems,” said La Flor. Then she added, “This is a speed drill.”

“I am all speed for use, my beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

“Let’s see how fast you can go to Starbucks and return with a mocha frappuccino. Pay attention. No melting allowed. No spillage allowed. Extra whipped cream.”

“I got it.”

“Ready, set, go, you’re on the clock. You fail, you’re out,” said La Flor.

What word or words can describe a hairy, muscular man wearing a skin tight Carmen’s Pizzeria t-shirt. None. He hurdled the shrubs, bounded on the hood of a car parked on the street, dodge cars crossing the street, and knocked over two trash cans, straight armed a jogger before he disappeared around the corner.

“Do you think you are being fair to Little Carmen?” I asked La Flor.

“Fair? Fair? If life were fair, Ray, every woman would be as beautiful as me. They’re not. So let’s not talk about fair.

“He might get tired of being treated this way and leave you,” I said.

“Surely you jest. Leave me? How often does one of your species get to be with someone like me? Don’t answer because the answer is obvious.”

“I think you’re emphasizing edgy.”

“I’ve got to bring LC back to the middle. He went too far to the edge. He was pushing the boundaries with the cooking gig.”

The door slams. Handyman time again. “I’m back. Did I makes it? I borrowed a 15 speed from a barrista,” said a puffing Little Carmen.

La Flor sips her drink, smiles, “Perfect LC. You passed test. Now, fill my soaking tub, put candles around it, and pour a glass of white wine for me. Don’t forget to lay out my terrycloth towels, body lotion, and put on my fav playlist.”

Little Carmen’s cell phone rings. He answers it, “Yes, Big Carmen. Yes, Big Carmen. Yes, Big Carmen. Yes, Lil Carlo.”

Little Carmen put the phone in his pocket, “I’m going to starts the water in the soaker tub, beautiful, tough, and edgy one, but I gotta go, Big Carmen got a problem, he needs a sub. I gotta go with Lil Carlo on an errand.”

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug,

“Be careful, LC.  Don’t get caught. Text me?”

“Will do, my beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

“Don’t get caught?” I asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing?”

“Huh?’

 

 

He’s Never Seen A Dish Like La Flor

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“I don’t want to go to a parent teacher conference. My daughters are all grown,” I said.

“Ray, it’s me, Big Carmen. I’m like your brother. In fact, I’m your bro. See what I mean?”

Yes, I see what he means. He’s certifiable. He’s two eighth notes short of a whole note. He’s a pizza without cheese, I don’t care how they make it in California. Yes, he’s Big Carmen. So I answer, “I see what you mean.”

He fist bumps me. Then he said, “I had a bro, but now I don’t have a bro unless you are my bro which use just agreed to, which means use accepted the family charter.”

“What family charter? Who was your bro before I was your bro. What happened to your bro?”

“Poor, poor, poor Roggereo. I don’t like to talk, speak, or converse about him,” said Big Carmen.

“Why?” I asked.

“The Feds might be listening and find out where we sent Roggereo until everything blows over.”

“He’s alive? You sent him somewhere? What did he do?”

“Let’s say I have my own witness protection operation. This is one of the perks use gets for being family. Now use is family. See, use is a Calabrese, that’s like being a next door neighbor. Neighbors help each other, right?”

He should have been a lawyer, a politician, he twists logic and words so that insanity makes sense. Thankfully, the conversation ends when . . .

“Do I look okay to go to Chef Vigeli’s for LC’s parent conference?” asked La Flor.

Big Carmen gives her a construction worker whistle, then says, “Perfecto beautiful, tough, and edgy one. Vigeli never seen a dish like use.”

I looked at La Flor. Okay, she wearing her patterned spikes. She’s wearing very short shorts but admittedly stylish, and her workout bra.

“What do you think, Ray?”

“Little Carmen will be happy to see you,” I said.

A half hour later we’re at Vigeli’s Culinary School. Little Carmen is off in a corner away from anything he might damage working at a table learning to make Kool-Aid. I hear him holler, “Clef, Clef, Clef, do I mix the blue and yellow, or the green and blue.”

Chef Vigeli hollers back, “No, no. no. How many times do I have to tell you, only make blue Kool-Aid.”

Chef Vigeli turns and sees the three of us. He walks over and embraces Big Carmen, Big Carmen embraced Chef Vigeli. Big Carmen said, “Chef, I suppose use called me to tell me how good he is doing. Am I right?”

“I do anything for you, Big Carmen. You gave me the money to get started. You paid off my student loans. You sent me to Rome to work with  Chef Faloni, the greatest Chef in Italy. But this, this, this …

Big Carmen places his arm around Chef Vigeli shoulder, “Let’s me introduce use to some people. This guy with the nose and ears, he’s my bro. Use know what that means when I says he’s my bro?

“Uh, no.”

“Okay. I understand. See, the beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

Chef Vigeli stares at La Flor. His eyeball nearly the size of tennis balls. “Who is this beautiful, tough, and edgy one. Is she unattached?”

“She is La Flor, beautiful, tough, and edgy and LC’s so significant other. She is very proud of LC. And, I for one, or two, or make that three, I don’t want to her to be desensitized. I got that word from the Discovery Channel.

From the corner, “Clef, Clef, Clef I mixed green Kool-Aid with your 1964 Barolo Riserva Speciale. It was old so I knews use didn’t need it. I made an invention.”

Chef Vigeli fainted.

Big Carmen hollered, “Atta boy.”

La Flor said, “Grab two unopened bottles and lets split.”

I said, “What about the Chef?”

Big Carmen said, “Let him sleep, he looks tired.”

He Didn’t Fall Far From The Olive Tree

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I’m beginning to think I need to call my home Carmen’s East. Big Carmen and some associate, mostly Lil Carlo show up on a daily basis. He walks in without knocking. It doesn’t matter if the doors locked, the alarm triggered, or I have a welcoming mat for him.

I’m vacuuming when I hear, “Use don’t have to do dat.”

“Who’s going to do it?” I asked.

“My manager, TT. He can use the extra work. Hey, what a friends for?”

I said, “Is that a question you want me to answer or a statement?”

Big Carmen scratched his head, “It’s what I call don’t forget the favors I does for use or else. The reason I’m hear now is I’m keeping my bad eye on my kid, and my good eye on the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. Know what I mean?”

Fool number one says, “No.” Fool number two, “Do you think that’s appropriate.” Before I answer I see Lil Carlo rubbing his hand gun against his cheek. His nose is almost as long as the gun’s barrel. I say, “Know what you mean.”

“Besides, I wants to hear her read the scriptomatic.”

Where does he come up with these words? Who understands him? I said, “You fellows want a beer? Wine? Kale chips? Carrot sticks? Protein Bar? Figs? Raw Almonds?’

Big Carmen interrupts, “Don’t use have no real food like my today’s special, tomato and basil vegetarian pizza with double sausage. Get a large one for three ninety-nine. Have us pick the sausage off, twenty-two seventy-one.”

“No. I didn’t realize it was today’s special,” I said.

“I’m gonna call Rocko. He’ll give us one of the pizza’s he’s delivering.”

“Do you think that’s fair to person waiting for the pizza?” I asked.

“Yah. If they’s gots a complaint, I send them to the complaint department.”

“You have a complaint department?” I asked.

“It’s me,” said Lil Carlo sliding a bullet into the chamber.

A voice from behind the bedroom door, “I’m ready. Are you boys ready? I’m only wearing jeans and a shirt. LC cut class yesterday, he didn’t want to miss two days in a row even though Chef Vigeli said he was tops in his class.

I wanted to shout, ‘He’s being tutored one on one, of course he’s tops and the bottom as well.’  Not worth it.

“Okay beautiful, tough, and edgy, We are disappointed we won’t get the full eye candy treatment but we understands,” said Big Carmen.

La Flor struts out in her poured into jeans, a white button shirt tied just above her navel, and her spikes. I thought both men were going to reach for angina tabs.

She walks to front of the TV, unbuttons the two top buttons of her shirt.

“This is a good start. People gonna love you. I don’t thinks use need LC.”

“I was thinking the same thing, you adorable creature.”

Big Carmen nudges Lil Carlo, “She got a way with the words.”

La Flor reads her script, “You girls want to look as good as me? Sorry, I won’t lie. It’s impossible. But, you can look lot better than you look now if you take the Post Puberty Pill, that’s PPP.  I made the tramp, my former protege, take this pill for a week, and you should see the difference. Firmer in the right places, all the cellulite gone in the wrong places, and her cell is busy with losers calling her for a date. What are you waiting for? You’ve been tied up with your loser for how long? The answer, long enough. Ask your doctor about a prescription. Don’t worry about the side effects. We have a cream for facial hair. An ointment for outrageously big pimples, and you won’t need birth control, you’ll be sterile after two doses.

“How did I do with the rewrites?” La Flor waiting anxiously for the applause.

Saved by the door crashing into the living room wall. Good thing I have the handyman on retainer.

“Did I miss it beautiful, tough, and edgy woman?” said Little Carmen carrying a pizza box.

Big Carmen forgot about his critique of La Flor’s rewrites, jumped up and went to embrace Little Carmen.

“Use did not fall far from the olive tree. Use making pizza at Vigeli’s? I’m so proud of use.”

“Nah. I grabbed it from Rocko. He was about to come in.”

“How did cooking class go today,” asked Big Carmen.

“Bass Clef Vigeli wants a parent conference.”

You Can’t Handle Da Tooth

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Big Carmen and Lil Carlo sit on the sofa in my living room. Big Carmen has a bottle of beer in his right hand and slice of pepperoni pizza in his left. Lil Carlo’s has his gun resting on the coffee table. He has a blue plastic cup of house (not my house, Carmen’s) red wine in his left hand, and a slice of the pepperoni pizza in his right.

“When’s the beautiful, tough, and edgy one gonna read her scripto?” ask Big Carmen. Before I answered, he added, “How come use is not eating a slice of my pie?”

When am I going to learn. Think first, speak second. Not today. I said, “Pepperoni is not good for you. It has nitrates. It has fats. It has other stuff, which will mess with your veins.”

“You tink so? I don’t. It’s the foundation for any good pizza. The secret is in the grease drippings. Sees, it’s the grease drippings that acts like Roto Rooter and cleans use colon. They sticks to the bad stuff. Let me asks use, how clean is use colon?”

Did Big Carmen move into the colon cleansing business? I don’t want to go there. Do you know anyone who checks the cleanliness of their colon? I hate my annual physical, know what I mean? I haven’t met a single person who wants to talk about how the cleanliness of their colon. Big Carmen and Lil Carlo are staring at me. Lil Carlo places his blue plastic cup next to his gun. His right hand rests on the gun with the kind of affection a mother gives to a baby. I wondered if it was possible to nurse a gun.

Saved.

The door to La Flor’s bedroom swings open, bangs against the wall. I’ll have to call the handyman to fix the dent in the wall where the door nob hit.

“Every body and I means all the bodies within my speaking vocals, the beautiful, tough, and edgy famous model will makes her day beaut entrance with me of course.”

La Flor, wearing what I’d call – no, I’m not going to call it anything. I’m not going to try to describe it. She’s being carried out by a bare chested black bear who is barefooted and wearing, I am grateful, a men’s bathing suit. La Flor’s left arm is draped around Little Carmen’s neck, her right hand carrying her script. The paper offers as much cover as the cloth. Little Carmen cradles his precious cargo.

Big Carmen and Lil Carlo stand and start applauding. Applauding? What are they applauding? Big Carmen gives me a look, I stand and applaud. The queen, AKA La Flor blows Big Carmen a kiss. I thought he was going to collapse back onto the sofa.

The audience takes their seats on the sofa. Little Carmen carries La Flor to the TV and stops and pivots so they face the three of us.

“How do you like it so far?” said La Flor.

“Use knocked all my socks off and I wears about four pair,” said Big Carmen.

“Use knocked all my boxers off and I wears six pair,” said Lil Carlo.

Lil Carlo wears boxers? I didn’t know they sold boxers in the kid’s clothing section. I keep quiet.

“What about you, Ray.” La Flor won’t let me keep quiet. Four sets of eyes stare at me.

“Uh, ah, um. I’m speechless. You knocked all my words out of me,” again I am pleased with my brilliant mind. My ability to turn tragedy in triumph.

“You can’t handle my sexuality. Can you, Ray?” said La Flor.

“Yes, I can,” I countered weakly.

“You can’t handle da tooth,” said Little Carmen. “Did I get it right, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

“Close enough.”

La Flor said, “I’m tired. My perfect entrance took it all out of me. Can I read the script tomorrow you handsome man?”

“Any ting for use. Use beautiful, tough, and edgy one,” said Big Carmen.

“Can I come wit use?” Asked Lil Carlo to Big Carmen.

“Sure ting.”

My Puffed Male Ego Popped

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“Life’s much better for me, Ray, now that LC is in Chef Vigeli’s Culinary School,” said La Flor skimming through hairstyles photos on her iPad. She turned her iPad toward me, “Think this style will look good on me?” she asked.

This is a no win question for any guy. We lose either way. I summed up my guy knowledge and said, “You are beautiful, tough, and edgy. You’d make any hairstyle look good.” I impressed myself. Nice answer, Ray.

“I suppose. But I want the truth,” said La Flor with a knowing look that I was scamming her.

I wanted to say “You can’t handle the truth,” just like Jack Nicholson. Bad move. I let it go. Here’s the truth, I was only singing half a song, “You choose your hairstyle. I will write the blog so that every alt ego woman wants to copy your style. You’ll be the trendsetter.” I  am getting very good at this. I answered La Flor’s comeback with a sure fire win.

La Flor didn’t waste a second before she sent her volley to my backhand side, “I don’t care about them. I want to see LC drool. I want to hear him sigh. I want to see his knees get weak, buckle, and watch him collapse to the floor overcome with my beauty. I’m almost there. One more teeny push and he’s over the edge. As for you, drop the cute answers. Any woman can see right through them.”

“Oh.” La Flor took a knife and stuck it into my puffed male ego and I heard it pop.

Saved by …

“I didn’t knock because I use my burglar tools to get in,” said Big Carmen. “I also disarmed your alarm system. Reminds me to alarm it when I leave.”

I pay fifty bucks a month for an alarm system Big Carmen treats as Lego Blocks, the ads said burglars better beware, Something is wrong with this picture.

“How you doing good looking stud,” said La Flor speaking to Big Carmen. I was hoping she was talking to me.

“I’m doing a lots better now that I sees the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman of Little Carmen’s dreams.”

“Hi, Big Carmen,” I said.

“I didn’t come to talk to you, but since use is polite enough to say hi, hi,” said Big Carmen. He turned back to La Flor, “I gots a once in a lifeline propo for use.”

“I’m worn out from lawyering. My caseload is all booked up,” said La Flor.

“We got’s nobody under arrest. We do have a number of my business associates as persons of interest, but that is another matter.”

“What’s your propo?” said La Flor picking up on Big Carmen’s vocab.

“Charlie Sevini heads up LCM Pharmo. Charlie gots a problem. He likes to gamble, he loses a lot. He owes me lots and lots and so I now own half his company. I told him I wants use to be the company’s star in a nationwide ad for a beauty drug that will air on all the NFL games on opening week. I tooks the liberty to write the script for use. It will be on a teleprompter. Use will be dressed in such attire as to show the world your physical assets if use knows what I means.”

La Flor, playing it cool, took a sip of her coffee, “I’m really, really booked up, BC.”

“Do this as a fav for me and I will makes sure use gets your own dressing room, makeup artist, nail tech, hairstylist, and jewelry even if you’re not wearing it in the shoot. And, use get top dollar.”

“I want LC to be holding me in his arms and admiring my body with a glassy, lost look in his eyes,” said La Flor.

“Use got the hole (yes, he said hole) package.”

“Let me see the script,” said La Flor.

Big Carmen hands it to her. She starts reading it. “Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. I don’t know. That’s got to go.” She looks up at Big Carmen. I’ll do it if I can make a few insignificant changes to the script.”

“Use is my angel, beautiful, tough, and edgy. When does use want to shoots it?”

“Come by tomorrow so we can go over the script. You’ll love the changes I made. I have to check with LC since he’s going to be holding me in the shoot. He should be home any second from Chef school.”

“it’s good to see the boy has a drop of ambition. I tink dats all he’s got.”

The front door slams, “I’m home. Did use know the alarm is off, Ray?”

“Uh huh.”

“Let me tells use all what I learned to today. It’s ground beef breaking. It’s funnel a normal” (I think he meant phenomenal).

“How so,” I said.

“I learned two tings. One, if the toast is hot, the peanut butter melts on it. Not many people know that. Second, did use know jelly goes with peanut butter? Who would have figured. Clef Vigeli is so creativity.”

“Dis is what Leo is teaching use? How to makes peanut butter and jelly toast?” said Big Carmen. “He’s gonna have peanuts when I gets through with him.”

“Hey, it’s a family blog,” I said.

“I apple gees. I forgets,” said Big Carmen.

“I brought home the peanut butter and jelly toast I made so use guys can try it,” said Little Carmen opening up a Tupperware container with three triangles of peanut butter and jelly toast. He offered each one of us a piece.

“Not bad,” I said.

“Very good, how did use do the swirl with the peanut butter. Makes me think we could add a swirl to the mozzarella on the pizza. Did I mention tonight’s special is a large build it any style for seven ninety-two when use add a small salad for six eighty-four?” said Big Carmen.

“I prefer chocolate,” said La Flor. Then she added, “With white wine.”

 

 

I’m Admiring My Hands

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“I haven’t seen your main squeeze all day. Did you guys split?” I asked La Flor.

“No, we didn’t split. But we’re not engaged anymore because you made me give the ring back. It was such a beautiful ring. It was so right on my finger and so wrong of you to take it away. I can only guess you don’t understand love,” said La Flor as she texted.

“Who are you texting?” I asked.

“Are you bored? Don’t you have something to do? I know I’m interesting, beautiful, tough, and edgy but I need some space. I was texting LC, if you must know. He’s at Vigeli’s School of Culinary Artists. Today’s his first day. He should be home any minute,” she said.

“I’m impressed. Vigeli’s school is exclusive. He only takes the most promising chef candidates into his classes. How did Little Carmen get in? He doesn’t seem like chef material.”

“The power of persuasion is the way I’d put it,” said La Flor.

“Little Carmen persuaded Chef Vigeli to take him into his classes?”

“No, LC is not in class. He has a better arrangement. Vigeli was persuaded to tutor LC one on one,” said La Flor now unfollowing every woman with what La Flor considered a bad hairdo.

“One on one tutoring? I don’t believe it. Chef Vigeli is a snob. He’s an elitist. He could never handle Little Carmen one on one.”

“He could if Big Carmen persuaded him,” said La Flor.

“Oh,” I said.

Then, the voice from the living room, “I’m home from school, beautiful, tough, and edgy lawyer, model, PI. Did I get them all?” said Little Carmen.

“Come in and give me a hug and kiss, I’m admiring my hands and don’t want to get up,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen bounded in as if he were a dog and the dog’s master said, “Let’s go for a walk.”

Kiss, hug, and squeeze.

“Now, LC. Sit down and tell Ray and me everything you learned at school today,” said La Flor.

I think I heard my mom ask me that same question, years ago.

“It was very thought prefabricating,” said LC. Did he mean provoking?

“How so,” I said.

“Clef Vigeli talked to me for five minutes then said we was going to do advance breakfast meals.”

“Treble or Bass Clef,” I asked.

“I’m not sure what’s his first name is. Reminds me to ask him tomorrow,” said LC. He got up went to the fridge, pulled out a beer. “I’m tursty, anybody else want something. He only got cheap wine, beautiful, tough, and edgy wine colonoscopy.”

I’m sure he mean connoisseur.

“Hurry up and tell Ray what you learned so we can get out of here. I’m getting the heebie-jeebies.”

Little Carmen took a long pull on his beer, hit his chest, and burped.

La Flor made a face. She started breathing through her mouth and fanning herself with her hands, “What is that smell? It’s awful? If you’re going to kiss me, you better brush and gargle.”

“Use smells my first creation, which I hads to eat. Lets me tell use. I would never make it or puts it on a menu. I figured it’s one of those breakfasts the snobbels eat.”

I also caught a whiff of the burp, started breathing through my mouth. I now have a hunch about Little Carmen’s first cooked meal.

Little Carmen sat up proud as a peacock, “Dis is exciting and complicit (I think he meant complicated). First I had to get a flat plate. There’s lots of them. I couldn’t choose one too big or one too small. It had to be just right (Is this a Goldilocks redo?). Then I had to put a piece of bread in the toaster. It seems simple, but it’s worse. Use can’t put it in sideways or upside down. Then I had to make sure the toast was perfectly brown on both sides. This took me six loaves to master. But I learned it. Then I had to spread peanut butter on the toast and give it a little twist at the end. I went through seven jars of peanut butter before I got it right. Vigeli was crying, he must have been so proud of me. Then I had to eat the peanut butter toast. I hates peanut butter almost as much as I hates toast.”

“What’s he going to teach you tomorrow?” I asked.

“I advance to putting jelly on top of the peanut butter.”

“Let’s get out of here. You and I need to talk.”

“Where to, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

“The closest wine shop,” said La Flor.

 

La Flor Goes To Court

by

“You can’t go into court dressed like that,” I said to La Flor.

“Why not? J.Lo dresses like this on the red carpet. And, I look a lot better than she,” said La Flor.

“It’s your show,” I said as I followed La Flor into the courtroom.

The bailiff reached for his angina pills. The district attorney dropped her brief case spilling her files onto the floor. Another bailiff rushed to the railing to open it for La Flor, then let it close on me.

I made my way to the defense table. She whispered to me, “It’s already working.”

“What?”

“I’m the center of attention. That’s the plan.”

A guard brings TT in and sits him at the table. “What are you looking at?” asked J.Lo, I mean La Flor.

“Uh, ah, uh, oh, nothing,” said the guard and left.

“I love to toy with men. Your species is so easy,” said La Flor.

“Are you going to help me,” begged TT.

“Depends,” said La Flor checking herself out in her mirror.

“On what?” whimpered TT.

“On the compliments I get in court,” said La Flor.

“You’re not going to ask me why I’m hear?” said TT tears running down his cheeks.

“Suck it up, TT. Five to ten will do wonders for you. Think of the great tats you’ll get for free. Think of the inspiration you’ll get from all the nice people you meet,” said La Flor applying lip gloss.

“I don’t want to go to prison. They want me to turn state’s evidence against Big Carmen,” said TT

“A minor detail. I’ll handle it. You’ll be back with the little tramp for dinner,” said La Flor.

“You’re speaking about Carmela, right?” I said.

“You know another tramp?” said La Flor.

“All rise, honorable Henry Fleeze presiding,” said the bailiff.

I tugged gently at La Flor’s arm to help her rise. I didn’t want to tear off what little of clothes she was wearing.

“Leave me alone, I’ve got to finish this nail,” said La Flor.

The judge and bailiff glared at La Flor. She ignored them. She finished using her emery board and placed it back into her handbag, then looked at the judge and bailiff, “You boys can sit so we can get this done.”

“Before I hold you in contempt, who are you?”

La Flor nudged me, “She’s the beautiful, tough, and edgy defense attorney,” I said.

“Who are you?” asked the judge.

“I created her, but she’s taken on a life of her own. I’m her as her legal assistant.”

“What she doing now?” demanded the judge.

“I think she posting to one of her many social media outlets.”

“Do you have a name?” he said to La Flor.

“Don’t use that tone of voice with me, fleas,” said La Flor.

“It’s Judge Fleeze,” said Judge Fleeze.

“Trying to impress me that you know your name?” La Flor turned to the courtroom, “Does anyone here not know their name?” No one raised their hand. La Flor added, “Case closed.”

“I’m going to have you removed from the court,” stammered the judge.

“You can’t,” said La Flor.

“And, why can’t I?” asked the judge.

“To start with, I’m eye candy. You’re staring at me. And, Ray will write you right out of here and send you back to wherever you came from. It’s his blog, you know.”

“It’s your blog,” asked the judge.

“Yes sir,” I said.

“Could you get me reassigned to the State Supreme Court. It’s always been my dream,” pleaded the judge.

“On one condition,” said La Flor.

“What’s that?” asked Judge Fleeze.

“You release TT and drop all charges and criticize the district attorney for her stupid hairdo.”

“Done, all charges dropped against TT and he is released immediately. DA Henson, you need to change stylists. Terrible doo.”

With that TT went home to Carmela, La Flor and I walked out of court into the black stretch limo, and Judge Fleeze became a judge on the State Supreme Court.

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