Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. Alexis Carrel
suffering
Grieving’s Great Lessons
For the past 30 days, I shared excerpts from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again. I wrote during the height of grieving not knowing if I’d ever find a way through. It’s now nearly three years since Babe died. I wish grieving on no one; yet, grieving waits for each of us on our journey. It’s not a pleasant thought. I’m happy I didn’t know what it felt like before it happened. As tough as it is, grieving has been a great teacher. Here are 10 lesson I learned on this journey.
- Everyone has scars, don’t compare.
- Everyone who grieves, hurts. Don’t judge anyone.
- It doesn’t matter if you are Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jew, Buddhist, Agnostic, Atheist, or other, it hurts like hell. Anyone who grieves deserves compassion.
- Unpack all the good memories and be grateful for each one.
- Live each day as if it is the only day you have.
- Life isn’t fair, don’t worry about it.
- Life is a wonderful gift, don’t waste it.
- There is no answer to why, so don’t waste time looking for an answer.
- Don’t wait to be loved by others, reach out and connect and keep on connecting.
- Life wins. Love wins. Never quit. Never give up.
There are many other lessons, but these quickly come to mind. I’m grateful for the time Babe and I had together. I’m grateful for the space in which I find myself. I’m going to keep on living, keep on smiling, and keep on singing.
Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/
Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.
Healing Power of Love
M’s Advice
M opened my eyes to the lessons grieving was teaching me and to the wonderful gift called life. It’s a one time gift. I decided the best way to honor Babe, was to discover how to live again. No one ever said it would be easy, but I’ve never quit. M offered me a final piece of advice I try to connect with each day. Here is M’s advice to me from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:
“M took hold of both my hands, “Ray, each day you will meet new people. You’ll feel love flowing to you, through you, and drenching you. You’ll know, perhaps for the first time, that nothing is more important, nothing is better than responding in the moment by offering your unconditional love to whoever is with you in the moment. Trust it, Ray. Trust it, and the power of love will heal you.”
Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/
Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.
Grieving Changed Me – I Knew Love Wins
Grieving Changed Me
It was nine months since Babe died. I sat with M at the coffee shop. She saw changes in me. She wanted to know if saw any changes in me. Grieving changed me. I think it changes everyone. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again on how I was changing:
“How are you different, Ray?” M asked. “When I look at you, I see what I see. But, I don’t see everything. There are parts of you that only you know. And, there are parts of you that you don’t recognize and only God knows them. . . . What matters to you, Ray?”
“You do, M. My family does. My neighbors do. The people at the Y. The baristas at the coffee shop. The birds that come to my bird feeders. I feel myself connecting to everyone I meet, and to all of God’s amazing creations surrounding me. It is this sense of connection that is pulling me out of isolation. It is healing my open wounds. It is creating a new heart for me, one capable of loving all and receiving love from all.”
M smiled and said, “Love is leading you, Ray. Love wins. Love heals. The more you love, the greater your healing. Where love is, the door is always open.”
Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/
Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.
I Struggled To Find An Answer to ‘Why?’
I knew I was making progress in my struggle with grieving; yet, I found myself always asking, WHY? I desperately wanted an answer to my why. I spoke to M about my struggle in trying to find an answer to Why. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:
“I said “I know I’m seeking answers to questions. I just can’t seem to find any answers. I keep asking why. I never find an answer. I find only anger and sadness. I might as well try to stop the tide from rising.”
M nodded, and said, “Exactly, Ray. Instead, why not choose to open the door and escape from the labyrinth of chasing after the ‘why’ questions? Why not ask questions to help you make today a better day than yesterday? Think about questions that lead you in a hopeful direction to more fully discover the meaning in your life.”
“What if my questions can’t be answered?” . . .
M shrugged, then said, “Some questions will never have an answer in this lifetime,” she continued. “These are the questions we live. In a strange way, they are more powerful because we can’t find answers. They shape how we live through the choices we make and come to grips with them.”
Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/
Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.
I Learned Valuable Lessons From Unavoidable Suffering
M Taught Me to Learn From Unavoidable Suffering
Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:
“Can you see what’s happening, Ray? You’re not stuck. A grateful heart heals, renews, and recreates. Remember what Saint Teresa of Ávila said: ‘All things are passing; God never changes, patience obtains all things.’ Don’t be afraid of suffering. It’s unavoidable. You can do nothing to make it go away. It has a life of its own. You did not purposely will this suffering upon yourself. It happened. It happened as it will happen to everyone. It is part of the human condition. We can push aside all thoughts of it to some remote canyon in Texas, but it waits patiently, knowing its time will come. Instead of suffering being a curse, think of your unavoidable suffering as a wonderful gift to help you become a more loving and compassionate person. If you’re willing, you will see the lessons it is teaching you.”
Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/
Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright
Love Doesn’t Die
M encouraged me to trust my instincts. She told me my instincts were my internal GPS and would guide me on the grieving path to walk toward healing, health, and happiness. Here is an excerpt from my journal in Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:
“How do I move into the future toward healing, health, and happiness without Babe? My instincts tell me opening myself to receiving and giving love is the key to the rest of my life. It doesn’t matter if I am grieving or not grieving. When Babe was alive, we both were open to giving and receiving love. Our love did not die because Babe died. My love for Babe endures. I will never stop loving her. Babe has my heart. The more I love, the larger my heart will become. I will be like the Grinch in the Dr. Seuss Christmas story and movie.”
Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/
Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright
Getting Past the Grieving Wall
Getting Past the Grieving Wall
M could see in me what I couldn’t see or feel in myself. She said, “Ray, you’re making progress. It’s time to take a bold step.” Taking this step was easier said than done. Here is an excerpt from my journal in Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:
“Knowing what I should do and knowing why it is good for me do not always coincide. M told me I have no choice but to learn to live again. I can no longer lock myself behind the walls of my house. It’s time for me to reach out to others and connect with them in more meaningful ways. Why can’t people connect with me? Why do I have to do all the work? Why can’t it just happen for me and to me?
I sound like a child not wanting to do chores. Choosing to live again isn’t as easy as it sounds. It is a whole new learning curve. I am being asked to choose to live, even if it is painful and pain-filled. It means re-engaging life and answering yes to M’s question, “Do I choose to live and to act on my decision?”
Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/
Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright
Grieving Held On; Slowly, I Became More Resilient
I Was Slowly Becoming More Resilient
Each morning I woke to face my adversary, grieving. Grieving waited for me with a smile seeking to knock me down again and again. Each day I rose determined to fight back. Slowly, I was becoming stronger, more resilient. I didn’t notice it at first; it was at the ten week mark of grieving where I thought I got a glimpse of dawn that lasted long enough to give me hope. Here is an excerpt from my journal in Dancing Alone: Learning to Love Again:
“I am at the ten-week mark of grieving. I think I see progress in small ways. In other ways, the emptiness is as strong as it was on day one. Living one day at a time, doing the best I can, and trying to stay in the moment is a herculean task.
Perhaps grief will never leave me. I wonder when people look at me and see me smiling if they think I’ve bounced all the way back and no longer see me grieving. I put on a happy face. I smile. I engage in conversations. I try not to speak about my grieving. If asked, I share my story again and again. It is the price I pay for the gift of loving Babe. Would I trade my life and wish it differently if I knew my life with Babe would end this way? I wouldn’t think about it for a second. My life with Babe was, and continues to be, a love story.
Babe, through her life, taught me to love. She was as close to God in her life as anyone I’ve ever known. Why would I trade that?”
Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/
Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright
I Made 4 Promises To Myself In The Depths of Grieving
I Made 4 Promises To Myself In The Depths of Grieving
M cautioned me grieving could cover me with a fog so dense I’d not be able to find my way through. She suggested I make four promises to myself and renew the promises each day. Making the promises and renewing them each day were small steps, but I’ve always kept my word. This time, the challenge was to keep the promises I made to myself. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:
“My first promise is if I fall down, I will not stay down and feel sorry for myself. I will get up and get going.
My second promise is to find meaning in Babe’s death and use it to help create a sense of purpose in my life.”
“My third promise is to love and forgive myself. I’ve learned the most important person in the grieving process is me. I am the person life asked to continue living. If I don’t, everything else will disappear. Before I can love anyone or anything else, I must learn to love myself.”
“My fourth promise is to see, love, and serve my Lord in all my brothers and sisters and in all His creations. I’ve changed. I’m different. My world has changed and so has what I want to do with my life.”
Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/
Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.
