suffering

Grieving Taught Me Life Isn’t Fair

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Grieving taught me a hard lesson, ‘Life isn’t fair.’ I didn’t want to learn the lesson. I wanted life to be fair. I wanted the outcome to be different. M helped me understand life’s unfairness is an equal opportunity employer. No one is exempt from this life lesson. Here is how M spoke to me about this hard lesson in an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“Life’s not fair, M. It’s not right.”

“M dismissed my argument. “You’re no more special than anyone else, Ray. Life is not going to give you a pass. No one gets a pass. No one is born with a contract stating life will be fair. We’re born to parents we didn’t choose. We didn’t choose out cultural or economic environment. Nor did we have a choice in our religious upbringing. Life doesn’t play by the rules you want. When you think about what happened to you in a fair and not fair way, the only possible outcomes are anger and resentment.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Grieving Generates Strong Emotions With No Let Up

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Grieving Generates Strong EmotionS With No Let Up

M asked me to journal about the emotions I was experiencing. She said, “Our emotions, if left unchecked, can cripple us.” Journaling while I grieved was difficult, I felt at a deep level it was important if I were to learn to live again. Here is a journal excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again: 

“I run from away from dealing with my emotions by engaging in exercise, prayer, and writing. Even in those times of distraction, my emotions rear their ugly heads into my space, grab ahold of me, and throw me to the floor. My emotions stand over me, waving their fists and daring me to get up, all too willing to knock me down again. I wearily rise to my knees. I stand again, my legs wobbly. I try to clear my head. It hurts like hell.

My emotions cause me to cry over the most trivial things. I go to church for solace. I gaze at the stained glass windows behind the altar and cry. I listen to hymns and cry. I hear a scriptural verse and cry. I stare straight ahead, avoiding the glances of other patrons. I don’t want people to stare at me. I let the tears stream off my face and drip from my chin. It hurts like hell.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

A Shared Experience of Grief Taught Me About Grieving

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A Shared Experience of Grief Taught Me About Grieving

I found a grieving group that worked for me. I was the only male in a room of 20 women. These women became my teachers and my inspiration. They taught me about courage, strength, and compassion. I share part of that experience in this excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Love Again:

I listened to a woman openly cry while telling the story of her husband who died of a heart attack in her arms. I thought of how strong she was to recognize her need to grieve. She wanted to be healed. Another woman described how her husband of 54 years died unexpectedly this summer. A woman sitting next to me, Chris, showed me her ring finger with a tattoo of her deceased husband’s name, Nick, on it. Even though a tattoo isn’t something I would personally do, I empathized with her heartbreak. Terry, who sat two seats over to my right, still mourned the loss of her dad after four years. Her sadness was etched all over her face. Her loss, like mine, resided in the deep, dark places of her soul. Each woman spoke with honesty, searching for comfort amongst their deep losses. At times, they spoke of the physical suffering they were experiencing.

“At times it feels like I can’t breathe my heart hurts so much,” a woman named Janet shared.

Rose, who sat on my left, spoke through watery eyes. “I miss not being able to hug my Daniel. I miss his laugh, his smile, his warmth.”

For each of us, our suffering and pain manifested itself in similar and different ways. In the end, it led to the same place of grief. We hurt. We ached. We wondered if we would ever be happy.

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by

Each Day I Stumbled Forward

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Each Day I Stumbled Forward

My neighbors told me over and again it gets better with time. No it doesn’t. But I got up each morning, put on my best smile, and stumbled forward. Stumbling forward became my metaphor for not quitting. A tiny spark, deep within me flickered with the desire to learn to live again. M spoke honestly to me about stumbling forward. She had a similar experience when her husband was killed in a car accident. Here is a an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“I feel as I’m stumbling forward, M. You know how it is, two steps forward and then I step on a rock, causing me to lose my balance. I stumble to the ground—always forward, never backward.”

“I like the metaphor,” M said. “Stumbling forward describes how I felt during my periods of intense grieving. . . . I had to learn new ways to live. I learned to do many things Peter previously did for me. I didn’t want to learn to do them, I had to stumble forward. I had to grow. . . . Don’t count the times you stumble, Ray. One day you’ll wake up and realize you’re walking without stumbling. You’ll stop walking or doing whatever you’re doing and give thanks to God. Until the moment arrives, continue to stumble forward.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.

Grieving Left Me Feeling ‘Empty’

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M asked me to use one word to describe what I feel. She chided me when I tried to tell her how I feel. It wasn’t long before I knew how I felt. One word provided the perfect description for me. I told M, I felt empty. She asked me to describe it. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

“When Babe died, a tornado struck me and sucked out my life energy with such force. I’ll never be the same. It ripped my guts open and spilled them on the floor alongside my shattered heart. It was as if a surgeon decided to operate on me and not use an anesthetic or close me up after the operation. I am helpless to stop the pain. I am helpless to stop the flood of memories feeding the pain. I am helpless to stop the music or other emotional triggers releasing my emotions and starting my flood of tears. My pain is gluttonous and feeds itself on my suffering. My sense of emptiness is a chasm wider than the distance from the Grand Canyon’s north rim to its south rim. It is a vast space within. I am empty, M. That is what it feels like to be empty.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

I Journaled About My Unanswered Prayers

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Journaling About Unanswered Prayers

I didn’t confine my anger to doctors and nurses and hospital staff. I was angry with God. I quit speaking to Him. My faith in God was on life support. Here is an excerpt from my Journal Entry on my unanswered prayers in Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

“I could not imagine God’s will being different from mine. Somehow, I thought God would not reject my argument. After all, I was making my case on love. How could God refuse my prayer? All I heard was the deafening sound of more silence. Each day Babe grew weaker. Her eyes remained closed, and even her lips ceased to mouth the words “I love you.” Her hand no longer squeezed mine in response when I told her I loved her.

Nurses implored me to tell Babe it was okay to die. I refused. I wouldn’t quit. That was our deal. I promised. Medical staff would demand to know what I wanted for her last moments in this world. I regularly answered, “A miracle.”

I prayed on and on as Babe continued to slide away from me. I struggled with my will versus God’s will. The only time I asked God for his will to be done was the day Babe died. And I haven’t been grateful for anything since that day.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Grieving & Anger Were My Dance Partners

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The weight of the anger I carried threatened to destroy me. I was angry with doctors, nurses, hospitals, God, and mostly myself. I always protected my family and I faulted myself for failing Babe. M suggested I journal about my anger. Journaling about my anger helped to loosen its grip on me.Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again.

“I have a lot of unpacked baggage related to Babe’s hospital stay. My mind heads straight for this tragic moment in time, not bothering to stop at intersections or red lights to give me a breather along the way. Images of caring people and people who didn’t care all play continuously across a screen in my mind.

I’m angry at myself for being so naïve. I believed doctors and health professionals care. I recall only one doctor who cared enough to fight for Babe—one out of many. I think there was a time when doctors cared more. I met them before. But it seems times have changed. Circumstances have changed. Compassion trails the field, running a distant second to rules and regulations. . . . 

There are times when we waited forty-five minutes for a CMA or nurse to answer our repeated calls for assistance. Does a money manager understand the demands on a nurse and a CMA? Nurses and CMAs are overloaded with several patients to cover all at once. I wondered if some patients just lay in their waste for hours? Those who do not have family or friends with them must, and I am certain of it.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Journaling Opened My Wounds

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Journaling opened up wounds. Each time I journaled, tears flowed as if I were caught in a torrential downpour. It didn’t matter to me. I let them flow with each word I wrote. Here is an excerpt from my first journal on how I felt when Babe died.

“Babe’s death knocked me down to the depths of new sorrow. Like a badly beaten boxer, I am in a semi-conscious state trying to grab hold of my opponent before he pummels me with both fists and sends me to the canvas hoping I’ll stay down. I wait for my mind to clear. I wait to regain my strength to continue the fight against grief. In my dazed and befuddled state, I see Babe’s presence and touch everywhere. She was my life, she is my life, and her absence is devastating. My knees wobble and my legs feel like overcooked spaghetti. I struggle to keep going, holding on to the ropes to prevent me from falling again to the canvas as grief continues to deliver hit after hit to my heart.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Journaling Helped Me to Unpack The Grieving Baggage I was Carrying

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While I Grieved, Journaling Helped Me to Unpack The Baggage I was Carrying

Grieving is a heavy load to carry. M told me I was carrying a lot of baggage and it was time to start unpacking. She gave me advice that made all the difference. She encouraged me to journal as I grieved. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again.

“You’re carrying a lot of baggage, Ray. You need to unpack it, or it’s going to burden you for the rest of your life.” M replied. “Journaling will help lighten the load so one day you will fly unafraid through the clouds. Let your journal reflect your deepest emotions, your deepest feelings, and your perceptions of what happened to Babe and you. Try journaling about your grieving experience.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found here.

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Grieving ~ A Time To Trust Your Heart

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I was fortunate. M is a good friend and she already experienced the pain I was experiencing. She encouraged me to listen to and trust my heart. If I did so, I’d eventually fly through the thick, dark cloud obscuring my vision. Here is an excerpt from M’s advice to me from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

“M ignored my silence. She touched my hand, “You already have the path through the pain within you; it’s just not visible right now. Imagine you’re learning to fly and the instructor takes you into a cloud. You’re flying without a reference point of what is up and down. You’re flying blind. All you can do is concentrate on the data coming from the instrument panel. You’ll hear voices in your mind screaming at you to do something different from what your instructor is telling you to do. Your intellect wants to take control. Let your heart take control—it is your personal instrument panel. It’s going to take time.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found here.

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

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