writing

When Does The Photo Shoot Start?

by

What happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas.

The four of us are out for free pizza courtesy of Big Carmen.

“It’s a good ting my daddy is generous to us seeing he knows I spents a lot of cash on the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman in Vegas. And, it was all worth it,” said Little Carmen. I give the boy credit for a quick recovery. I want to high five him, but decide not to.

I give the boy credit for a quick recovery. I want to high five him, but decide not to.

“Who’s your daddy?” asked TT.

TT needs some work on his street smarts. It’s a toss up if he’ll survive the rough and tumble world of the alt egos.

“Are you clueless?” asked La Flor. “Who do you think sired this hunk?” La Flor now stroking the dark black hair of her well trained Little Carmen.

“Did he says ‘who’s my daddy?” Little Carmen makes squeezing motions with his fists., he needs a clue, beautiful, tough, edgy and I

“Easy, easy, big fellow. He doesn’t understand the way of the world like my hunk,” said La Flor.

“For use, I will give him a clue,” said Little Carmen. His voice about as suck up as a masculine male voice can sound.

TT acted as if he was the recipient of a series of electrical prods. He squirmed non stop. His hives spread across his neck rising to his cheeks. Both eyes twitching. His knees jerking.

“Do use have hemorrhoidals, TT? asked Little Carmen.

“I love it when TT gets nervous. He changes colors so quickly,” said La Flor.

“Uh, no.”

“Then whys use squirming like a bug on an anchovy pizza?” asked Little Carmen.

I interrupted, “TT has never met Big Carmen. He doesn’t know Big Carmen is your daddy,” I said.

“It’s okay, Ray. LC knows I love it when TT gets nervous. Look at him move. He could be on America’s Got Talent,” said La Flor.

“I’s gonna interest him to my daddy, utterwise (yes, he said, utterwise and interest instead of introduce) who is known to all, including me as Big Carmen,” said Little Carmen. Then he hollered toward the counter, “Big Carmen, if use can spare us a moment or four, can use come over? I want use to meet TT.”

“Lemmie finish this pie, Little Carmen. Since you’ve been with, and don’t get me wrong, the beautiful dish who is sitting next to use and I don’t mean, Ray, I has to work twice, maybe six times as hard making pizza. This is because I don’t have no quality help around here,” Big Carmen hollered from behind the counter.

“What happened to cousin Ernie? He didn’t work out?” asked Little Carmen.

“Ernie was working out fine. He was even doing deliveries for me. How’s I to know that he was casing houses when he delivered pizza. If I’d know that I would not have him doing deliveries. Now, the cops are detaining him until bail can be posted. I will not bail his sorry butt out. I will let Rogerio bail out his son.”

“Where’s Rogerio gonna come up with the cash?” asked Little Carmen.

“Not to worry. I loaned it to him at a favorable interest rate,” said Big Carmen.

TT said, “That’s your dad? He won’t hurt me, right?”

“Why’s he gonna hurt use? Use swiping the sugar or pepper packets? Maybe use is swiping the sugar substitute packets. If use is doing this, give them up now and I will speak in your behalfs,” said Little Carmen.

“I, I never stole anything. Honest,” TT’s voice a tick below high C. His right knee timed out at ninety-three miles an hour.

Big Carmen strolled over, “How’s the most beautiful girl on the planet doing?” He ignored the rest of us.

“If you were only twenty years younger, I’d dumped LC,” smiled La Flor.

“Use gonna dump me for Big Carmen,” a note of panic in Little Carmen’s voice.

“I said if Big Carmen is twenty years younger, LC. You don’t have to worry unless Big Carmen can make himself twenty years younger.”

“Big Carmen, use is not going to make useself twenty years younger, promise me that,” begged Little Carmen.

“No, I will do use that favor. But’s I have a big favor. I mean a really, really, really big favor I to ask this beautiful woman. If she says yes, I will be in her debt and possibly yours. But I will not be in Ray’s debt or in the skinny radish with the high pitched voice. Doesn’t he have any use knows what?”

“They was twisted in a misunderstanding, Big Carmen,” said Little Carmen. “I am hoping they get better of their own accordion.”

La Flor’s interest is piqued, “What is it BC?”

“I wants use to be the public Image of Carmen’s Pizzeria. I will plaster your beautiful image all over this city and television. When peoples see use, they will thinks Carmen’s Pizzeria. Can we make a deal that will be generous to two faults for use?”

“I need time to think it over,” said La Flor.

“How much times do use need?” asked Big Carmen.

“It’s a deal. When do we do the photo shoot?” she said.

A photo shoot? La Flor, the image of Carmen’s Pizzeria? Where is this all leading?

 

 

I Am Nice

by

“I’m not happy, Ray,” pouted La Flor.

“What’s your problem. You’re going on vacation with me. Your two puppies are coming along and they don’t have to be in cages. Why are unhappy?” I said. I know the answer, I’ll let La Flor do the honors.

La Flor gestured with her finger, “Why are you TSA approved and I am not? There’s a mistake. I don’t want to stand in the long line. I don’t want to take off my shoes. Anybody tries to pat me down, I’ll have LC smack them.”

“You don’t want to do that. It is not a good idea. He may get ten to twenty. Be nice or they won’t let you go to the gate,” I said.

“I am nice. That’s the point, Ray. Do I have to put my expensive, Italian leather handbag through the metal detector? I have important things in my handbag like my iPhone. My lip gloss. My concealer. My mascara. My moisturizer. Need I continue? They’ll ruin it. I’ll sue. I promise I’ll sue everyone who works at the airport.”

“Everyone?”

“Everyone. Even the retirees.”

The girl will not take no for an answer. I’ve got to admire her gumption.

I turned from La Flor to Little Carmen, “Is that a gold chain almost hidden by your chest hairs?”

“Un huh. I don’t believes in shaving my chest.”

“You’ll need to take off the gold chain, the gold bracelet, the expensive watch, and please button up your shirt, no one wants to see waving fields of black hair. Be like TT, he already has his shoes off. his belt is off and he has his plastic baggies with toiletries ready to go.”

“Look, Ray. See my sides. Uncle Guido game me the bracelet. Aunt Josephine gave me the gold chain.”

“What about the expensive watch?”

“Cousin Carl found it. Use know finders keepers. And, don’t asks where he found it. And also, if use thinks I’m taking these off for these TAS guys, use got another three guesses coming.”

“You tell him, LC,” said La Flor encouraging LC.

“It’s TSA. I’m ready to get in the pre approved line. If you guys make it through security, our plane to Vegas is at gate 11.”

“What do you mean, if? Can’t you write it in that we’re through security without a hitch and TSA said I was the most beautiful, tough, and edgy woman to ever go through?” said La Flor.

“No. Look, TT is in line. He has his boarding pass in his hand. He has his ID out. Looks like he’ll be going with me.”

“He is such a suck up,” said La Flor.

“Yah. And I could say other things abouts him, but I don’t want to offense anybody I already offended, if use knows what I mean,” said Little Carmen.

I got in the TSA approved line. I kept an eye on La Flor and Little Carmen. I wasn’t sure how the TSA blog writer was going to handle these two going through security. I wanted to holler a warning when I saw La Flor grab hold of Little Carmen’s hand and pull him out of line and walk around the security maze TSA uses to see who is intelligent enough to get to the screening area. It’s not going to be pretty.

TT is waiting for me when I pass through the metal detector. I go to the conveyer belt and wait for my suitcase and backpack. I hear my name,

“Ray, Ray hurry up, we’ll miss our flight. I need coffee. I need a snack,” shouted La Flor.

“Yah, the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman with friends every place needs use to hurry,” said Little Carmen.

I grabbed my backpack and took hold of my luggage and walked over to La Flor and Little Carmen. “How did you manage to get through security? You cut the line.”

“And, we didn’t take off our jewelry. We didn’t get scanned. We got through before you and you were pre approved,” La Flor said smugly.

“But how?”

“The beautiful, tough, and edgy woman is personal friends with the TSA blog writers girlfriend,” said Little Carmen.

“So, I made a call and told Emily that I was going to friend her if she encouraged her boyfriend to do me a tiny favor,” said La Flor.

“Just because you’re going to friend her?”

“I don’t give friending away easily. You have to do something for me,” said La Flor. Then she turned her attention to TT, “TT do you want to be my friend and do you want me to be your friend?”

A high pitched voice said, “Uh huh.”

“Good decision. TT, you can carry my carry on. Be careful with it, I have my extended beauty center in there. LC, you can get me my fav Starbucks drink and tell them who they’re making it for. Ray, you can walk with me to the gate and find me a seat where I won’t be near screaming kids. One other thing, Ray.

“What’s that, La Flor?” I was almost too afraid to ask.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

How does she get away with it? It’s a mystery.

 

 

 

Is My Mascara Running?

by

I sat at the breakfast bar working on a blueberry, banana smoothie. I’m reading a recipe for bean burritos on Pinterest (do I really need to read a recipe on how to make a bean burrito? I’ve got to get a life), I overheard La Flor and her proteges talking. My interest is piqued.

“We are here for you, TT. LC and I are going to help you write your profile on altegomatches.com. You’ll have all the almost as hot as me babes wanting to meet you,” said La Flor.

‘Really? Really? Really, La Flor. Will I finally get a date? Will I meet someone as nice and beautiful and tough and edgy as you?” said TT with a hint of hope in his voice. In case you’re interested, he may be a permanent soprano.

“No. Not possible,” said La Flor.

“I’m not going to get a date?”

“We’ll get you a date, but she won’t be anything like me. She will be self-centered, thinks everyone should cater to her needs, and demands constant attention.”

I wondered for a brief moment if La Flor was speaking about an identical twin.

“I founds their probiotics, beautiful, tough, and edgy idol of men and women,” said Little Carmen (he meant profile).

La Flor relished the mention of idol of men and women. What’s the first question, LC?”

“Use don’t have to answer trutfully, TT, nobody does. If use answer truthfully nobody believes you because everybody twits da trute,” said Little Carmen.

La Flor read the first question, “What is your most attractive feature? We’ll have to lie, TT, you don’t have any.”

TT said, “I think I do. I’m smart. Is that attractive?”

“Heavens no. None of the women that are right for you want someone who is smart. They want someone who is rich.”

“But, but, but, my card is maxed out. I only have thirty-five cents left on my Starbucks app. What will I say?”

“I has an idea, beautiful, tough, and edgy idol of men and women. May I speak it?”

“You have a way with words, LC. What is it?” said La Flor.

“We says TT is going to inherit a million dollars as soon as he takes his rich uncle off life support, which should be in a week,” beamed Little Carmen.

“Huh? I don’t have a rich uncle. I’d never take him off life support if I did,” said TT.

“We’re making it up as we go, TT. The same way Ray writes his blogs. Brilliant, LC. Next question, TT, ‘What are you looking for in the ideal date?'” said La Flor.

“Someone nice. Someone who is kind. Someone who likes to walk in nature and look at sunsets,” said TT.

La Flor and Little Carmen started laughing hysterically. Little Carmen was banging his fist on the table. La Flor said, “Is my mascara running. I can’t stop laughing. Tears are running down my precious cheeks.”

TT said, “Did I say something wrong?”

La Flor back in control of her emotions, said, “The woman you described is only on the old movies channel. Get real, TT. Here’s what you’re looking for. Don’t tell me. I’ll tell you, “Looking for a cougar who wants to meet a young muscular guy with great hair, and veneers.”

“I, I don’t want a live pet,” shrieked TT.

“You really need to think veneers. Maybe Rogaine. LC, we are doing charitable work with TT,” said La Flor.

“What if they want to date me? What will I do?” said TT. He had a hand on his left eye to stop a twitch. His hives were breaking out.

“We’ll cross that T when we comes to a fork in the road,” said Little Carmen.

I honestly think Little Carmen needs help. I’m not sure what kind, but he needs it, pronto.

La Flor said, “Here’s the next question, “What do you like to do.”

“I like to read and watch PBS? This won’t work, will it?” asked TT.

“Use is catching on,” said Little Carmen. He added, “Let’s say he likes to gamble. He’s a bad boy. He rides a motorcycle without a helmet. He likes to get tats on any piece of skin that doesn’t have a tat. And, he says to live is to party.”

“I got it, LC. Word for word. He’ll have the bad babes begging for a date,” said La Flor.

“But, I’m not any of those,” said TT. His body one complete rash.

“Now for your photo,” said La Flor. She turned to Little Carmen, “Pull a few good photos off Google we can add to his profile, LC.”

“Check these three out.” said Little Carmen.

La Flor looks at the photos. “I like this one. This one. and this one. What do you think, TT?”

“You’re putting a photo of a muscular black man. Dr. Oz. And, my former boss, Dr. Phil? on my profile?”

“Does use think he passed out or is taking a nap, wise woman who is also beautiful tough, and edgy?”

“Hard to tell, just in case it’s a nap, let’s not wake him.”

 

We Belong On TV

by

La Flor, who’s on again with Little Carmen, had the stray puppy follow her throughout one of San Antonio’s outdoor mecca shopping malls. Little Carmen had to enthusiastically like everything La Flor liked. He was the designated bag carrier. And, according to her set of ground rules he signed, he can’t complain. He only can flirt with her.

As for me, I found an Italian trattoria, had a very tasty leisurely lunch, and after lunch, I did this and that, which I will not divulge because La Flor reads these blogs and counts the number of times she is mentioned. If I divulge this and that, she will know this and that and I will have no getaway places. If La Flor does not have the highest name mentioned count, all hell breaks loose, the bleep hits the fan, and the familiar saying, ‘You haven’t heard the last of this’ is repeatedly repeated.

I returned home around three thirty. I walked into the living room and froze. I wasn’t ready for what I saw. La Flor and Little Carmen sat in swivel chairs, about a foot and half apart. That’s not what stopped me.

They are staring at a camera on a tripod. Operating the camera is Thompson Thomas. He’s the Dr. Phil alt ego who looks like a pencil, receding hairline, has a high-pitched voice. It wasn’t always high pitched. It started sometime after Little Carmen found out he was gaga over La Flor. Little Carmen persuaded him, after a bit of twisting and turning and his voice rising with each twist to let go of his fixation on La Flor. I found this unusual, but not out of the ordinary as far as La Flor is concerned.

I looked at La Flor, frozen in my tracks and said, “What are you doing in a sports bra and bikini bottom? Do you have a sand volleyball game in your future? And, what is Little Carmen doing bare-chested in a bathing suit next to you? He looks like a wooly mammoth.”

“Is that a good look?” asked Little Carmen.

La Flor nodded her head, and said, “We are so adorable and cute, right, Ray?”

“Remember, this is a family blog,” I said.

“We belong on TV. I have a new career and LC is going to the top with me.”

“That’s right, Ray-mo. The beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster said, I’m a hanger-goner.”

“Sportscaster? Hanger-goner?”

“You called Little Carmen a hanger-goner?”

“That’s right, Ray. I have high standards. He misses making one compliment to me, he’s a goner.”

“I got to agree with the beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster. How’d I do?”

“Perfecto, LC.”

“I gots to learn, Spanish,” said Little Carmen.

“How many TV sportscasters look as good as LC and me? Don’t answer. The answer is obvious. Zero, zero, zero,” La Flor said, making a zero with the thumb and forefinger of each hand, then looking at Little Carmen until he made the third zero.

“How is this going to happen? How will you be discovered?” I said.

“We will be discovered. TT is filming our demo. He’s going to send it to all his contacts. Dr. Phil for one. Dr. Oz for two. And, he knows Bobby Filet. He quit Dr. Phil to work exclusively with us.”

“I think it’s Bobby Flay.”

“No, it’s Filet,” she said.

“I turned to TT, “You did?”

“Uh huh. La Flor promised to set me up with one of her hot girlfriends. She only has hot girlfriends.”

“Let it go, Ray. TT you ready to record our demo?” said La Flor.

“Yes, beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster,” said the soprano voiced TT.

“TT not to worry about the voice, it returns to normal in a day or three,” said Little Carmen.

“Thanks, LC. Ready, three, two, one, action,” squeaked TT.

“Welcome to the world’s hottest and cutest sportscasters,” said La Flor.

“Yah, welcome. Check out how beautiful the beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster looks today. Can I say you looks more beautiful than you did ten minutes ago?”

La Flor does a half turn, gives Little Carmen a big smile, “You may.”

“You looks more beautiful than you did ten minutes ago.”

La Flor turns back toward the camera, “Here is breaking sports news.”

“Yes, breaking news,” said Little Carmen.

“I am going to the spa tomorrow and getting a seaweed wrap, facial, and massage.”

“That’s terrific beautiful, tough, and edgy sportscaster. Can I gives some breaking news?”

“We only have time for one quick item, LC. Make it a good one.”

“Okay. Breaking news. Tonight’s special at Carmen’s Pizzeria is a double topping of Uncle Gino’s homemade sausage. Use gets a large for eighteen ninety-five and if use says LC sent use, use gets it for five ninety-five.”

“What do you think, Ray? Awesome, right? We’ll probably be leaving here as soon as the sports networks see the demo.”

“You going to take TT with you?”

“Please take me,” squeaked TT.

Tell Me They’re Zirconium

by

I’m putting the finishing touches on my blog. I’m quite taken with my brilliance. My ability to twist facts into fiction. My complete understanding of human nature and its nuances, until . . .

“Ray! Ray! Ray!” The voice. The blaring, unceasing tonal demand. The refusal to take no for an answer. To cop a phrase, “She’s more beautiful than a runway model. She’s tougher than a tank of barracudas. She’s edgy enough to pull off any look. It’s La Flor.

“What’s up?” La Flor. I said softly and calmly. I watched a PBS special where I learned speaking softly and calmly works wonders on others.

“Whatever you’re doing, stop. Stop! Stop!” she shouted. So much for soft and quiet.

“Do you mean what am I doing now? Or, do you mean what was I doing?” I’m learning with La Flor. I want to get this right. If I don’t, we’ll carry on for four or five paragraphs.

“Tell me it’s not too late. See, I used too correctly. Please, tell me I’m not too late,” La Flor is pleading with me.

“Too late for what? Dinner? Coffee? Desert? Your favorite reality show? Give me a little help,” I said.

“If only LC were here. He would have reached you on time. I can’t run as fast as LC when I’m wearing stilettos.”

I looked at her feet, “Nice stilettos, how much they set you back?”

“Nothing, I used your card.”

“How much did it set me back?” I asked.

“Not as much as my earrings. Like them,” she said placing her palms behind her ears and pushing the lobs a bit forward.

“Tell me they’re zirconium.”

“Seriously, do you think La Flor is going to wear zirconium?”

Opps, back to speaking in the third person. What am I going to do? Get upset over it. Not a chance. I’ll report the card stolen, I thought.

“And, don’t you dare report the card stolen or lost,” she said.

What is she a mind reader?

“I’m listening to mind reading podcasts, and it seems to be working.”

I needed to change the topic, “Is this an emergency?” I asked.

“Of the first, second, and third order. Maybe the fourth, fifth and sixth orders. Maybe a takeout order,” she said.

Remember, I’m a sensitive guy. At least in my own mind. “Sit down La Flor. I’ll get you a glass of water.”

“Something stronger, por favor.”

“Diet Coke?”

“What I would give for a sensitive male,” she hollered.

“That’s me,” I said.

“Get real,” La Flor answered.

What choice did I have? I brought La Flor a glass of white wine and handed it to her. She took a sip. “Where did you buy this? What did you pay, a dollar seventy-five?”

“Hold on. It was on sale for three ninety-eight.”

She set the wine glass down, reached into her expensive leather, made in Italy, handbag, pulled out a tin of breath mints and took at least a half dozen out and chewed them as if she hadn’t tasted food for six weeks. “I’ll never lose the taste. If you ruined my wine tasting buds, I’ll, I’ll ….”

I finished her sentence, “Tell Ray about the emergency.”

Fortunately, La Flor’s attention span is a tad better than mine, that’s not saying much. She said, “Did you publish the blog?”

“As soon as we’re done I’m going to publish it.”

“I’m in time. Hold it. Keep it in draft. Save it for a slow day. Give it away.”

“Why?”

“I’m turning whistleblower,” she said.

“Whistleblower?” I am happy Little Carmen has to deliver pizzas today. I can only imagine what he would have done with the word whistleblower.

“I’m going to tear down walls. I going to bring the big shots down. I’m going to be famous. Maybe I’ll win a Pulitzer Piñata.”

I knew it was too good to last. The doorbell rang.

“Get it, Ray. It’ll be LC. I asked him to bring me an iced skinny latte while on his pizza deliveries.”

I didn’t have to answer the door. “Hey use guys, I gots your skinny, ninny, latte beautiful, tough, and edgy make me drool all over myself. BT, I can never remember the last letter. Anyways, I made this pie all by myself except for the dough, sauce, cheese, and toppings. Oh, I think it was S.”

“S? No, it’s W,” I said.

“What’s W?” a confused Little Carmen said.

“A letter. BTW, we didn’t order a pizza,” I said.

“It’s okay. It’s already paid for. The guy paid by credit card. I think use got it wrong, Ray-Mo. It’s BTS.”

“He won’t get his pizza,” I said.

“Not if he wants this one,” Little Carmen laughed.

La Flor stared at Little Carmen with a cross between a sense of awe and awful. I couldn’t quite make it out. She said, “Come over here and keep me company LC. Don’t talk while I’m talking. Did you know Ray gave me cheap wine?”

Little Carmen had a look of horror on his face, “Ray-mo. Cheap wine. You gotta nerve.”

La Flor put her forefinger to Little Carmen’s lips, “That’s enough, have a piece of pie and play with your smartphone. Ray, where was I?”

I wanted to say ‘the fourth level of insanity but didn’t. “So,” I said, “You are going to be a whistleblower.”

“Is that like those guys with the striped shirts at the football games?” said Little Carmen.

“LC!”

“Sorry, beautiful, tough, and edgy whistleblower.”

Come back tomorrow for the whistleblower’s story.

 

 

 

You Pushed My Helper Button

by

I woke up at two in the morning and wondered if it was to in the morning, or too in the morning, or two in the morning. La Flor and Little Carmen are sucking me into the vortex of misused and abused uses of two, too, and to. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried counting to hundred, but couldn’t get past to, or is it too, or two. At four twenty to or too or two, I decided La Flor and Little Carmen were going to attend my class to learn about two, too, and to.

The three of us sat in the living room. I thought a comfortable atmosphere might help them learn. La Flor and Little Carmen sat on the sofa. I sat on a chair off to La Flor’s right, but where we could all see each other.

“No holding hands. It won’t take long if you tw …” I caught myself and said, “both pay attention.”

Little Carmen took his hand away from La Flor and put his arm around her shoulders. She snuggled closer to him and rested her head against his shoulder.

I felt exasperated. I said, “You two separate. Little Carmen, you move to that end, and La Flor you move to the other end.”

“Ray?” asked La Flor.

“What?”

“I don’t want too correct the teacher, but you should have said, ‘You to.” And, you should have said move two the other end. Maybe I should teach this class.”

“That’s just it, La Flor you have it wrong. You’ve got your two, to, and too’s mixed up.”

Little Carmen was taking selfies and didn’t hear a word I said to La Flor. La Flor followed my eyes to Little Carmen. She said, “I want too do that to.” She reached in her handbag and pulled out her smartphone.

Little Carmen looked at her, “Text me a selfie and I’ll text use a selfie. Ray-mo, use wants too borrows my smarty phone after I text a selfie two the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman?”

Am I experiencing the life of a classroom teacher? I make a silent promise to support higher teacher salaries and an automatic entry into heaven at journey’s end.

“Break time,” I said. “I’ll get the coffee, bagels, and cream cheese.”

“Don’t forget the fruit and my Greek yogurt,” said La Flor.

“I want my Danish and donuts,” said Little Carmen.

“What about the bagels and cream cheese?” I asked.

“Is this a trick question?” asked La Flor, now laying on the sofa with her head on Little Carmen’s lap. She was scrolling through her selfies. There are thousands of them. She only has photos of herself. She deleted Little Carmen’s selfie as soon as it arrived.

“Break’s over,” I said.

“When are we gonna have recess?” said Little Carmen.

A good idea to teach about two, too, and to? No, it was not a good idea. Maybe flash cards would help. Big Bird singing a ditty about two, too, and to. A prize to anyone who passed the final exam. I should have thought of incentives.

La Flor, whose head was still on Little Carmen’s lap, lifted her eyes from her smartphone to look at Little Carmen. This is something she’d never done before. She stared into two large nostrils reminding her of a tunnel that goes through the Rocky Mountains, a two-day grunge beard, eyebrows marching toward the midway point to connect. She sat up as if she woke from a nightmare.

“Ray, send LC to the office. He’s disrupting class,” she said.

“What office?” I said.

“Use wants me to sits in use office, Ray-mo until we can talk? You’re not gonna call Big Carmen and tell on me, right?” asked Little Carmen.

“No, I’m not getting parents involved,” I said. Maybe I should under the sofa for my mind. I’m sure I lost it.

I knew La Flor needed to talk. Remember, I’m the sensitive male in this blog. Granted, my only competition is Little Carmen. I said, “Little Carmen, it is time for recess. There’s a pool hall five blocks over.”

“Geez, Ray-mo, this is better than real school. I gets to leave campus and play pool.”

After Little Carmen left, I asked La Flor, “What’s up?”

“Okay, first things first. Two is the number two. Too is used for also, very, or more than. To is a prepositional phrase and it can used as part of an infinitive. Did I pass?”

“Yes. But why did you use them incorrectly?” I asked.

“I thought I was in love with LC. I fell out of love with him again.”

“When?”

“When I looked up his nose. Did you realize how big it is? Then I saw his eyebrows. I wanted you to spray them with whatever you use to get rid of bugs, you know, PAM. I thought his eyebrows were caterpillars. When he said he wanted recess, Ray, I couldn’t take anymore.”

“It’s okay if your alt ego girlfriends get their hands on him?” I asked.

“I didn’t think of that. You confused me.”

“I did?”

“LC won’t survive. He’s vulnerable. He’s naïve. He’s too much for any of them. He’s all mine. All, I tell you. And, I’m not sharing any of him with any of them.”

“Are you back in love?” I asked.

“No. I’ll bring up a nose job at the right time. Talk about some laser work on the brows.”

“Why are you going to stay with him?” I asked.

“You pushed my helper button.”

“It was so big, I couldn’t miss it.”

“I really am a good person, Ray.”

“Mother Teresa could have used you.”

 

He’s a Chick Magnet

by

I’m watching my favorite Netflix series. I discipline myself not to binge watch. I want to pace it out, extend my enjoyment. Then the front door opens, I hear footsteps. Then the voice.

“Ray, I need a vacation. I’m wearing out the treadmill you’ve put me on. All I do is work, work, and work some more,” said La Flor* nudging her main squeeze Little Carmen.

“That’s right, we needs a vacation,” said Little Carmen. Then he added, “I think I gots it right beautiful, tough, and edgy.”

“Almost right. Remember how the first line went, ‘La Flor needs a vacation.’ I’ve a Snicker’s bar and a small bag of nachos if you get it right,” said La Flor.

“I gots it, “Ray-mo, remember how the first line went? How’d I do beautiful, tough, and edgy?”

“Ray, I rest my case. I’m going nuts. LC, do me a big, really big fav and run over to the Starbucks on the other side of town and get me a white iced tea?”

“What’s about the one down the street? Do I has to run?”

“Yes, run. Walking might even be better. take your time. I don’t like the one down the street,” said La Flor then kissed Little Carmen on the cheek. Which was enough to push all the right buttons. Granted Little Carmen doesn’t have too many buttons (note how I use too correctly, unlike Little Carmen and La Flor).

La Flor nearly pushed Little Carmen out the door. She hollered, “Take your time LC, look both ways when you cross the street. Have a cold whipped drinks while you’re there and then get mine to go. It’s okay if you give it to a homeless person on a street corner.”

“Use is a saint, beautiful, tough, and edgy.”

La Flor turned to me, “Help me, Ray.”

“Pick a vacation spot?” I asked.

“No. One part of me wants to dump LC. And, the other part of me wants to keep LC. I’m caught in a tug of war and it’s tearing me apart.”

I’m trying to think what a sensitive male might say in a situation like this. ‘I’m here for you.’ No, I saw a Seinfeld episode with that line. ‘I’m listening.’ No, Fraser used that line in every show. ‘Suck it up and dump him.’ That doesn’t sound like a sensitive male. If only I could Google ‘sensitive male expressions.’ I can’t, La Flor’s expecting a response.

I said, “Want to sit out on the patio and talk?” I’m thinking I did pretty good.

La Flor said, “What? And, waste my time with psychobabble?”

“Where’d you pick up that term?” I asked.

“Dr. Phil’s script writer. You know, Dr. Phil is an alt ego. He’s not real like you and me. What you’re seeing is an actor play Dr. Phil the alt ego. The real alt ego hangs out at the alt ego singles club.”

“Dr. Phil is an alt ego?” I asked.

“Do I have to repeat everything. Now, let’s get back to my problem.”

“I forgot it’s all about you.”

“You’re learning,” said La Flor not catching my sarcasm.

I got La Flor out to the patio. I brought her a soda in a chilled glass with the exact amount of ice, one-fourth of the glass. At least, that’s La Flor’s measure of the exact amount of ice. I’m being very sensitive. I sat down opposite her and said, “What is it you don’t like about Little Carmen?”

“I don’t like the way he uses the word two for too when he should be using it for the word to.”

“And, not two?” I asked.

“Exactly!” said La Flor.

Two, too, and to are too troublesome to think about for too long. I Pushed ahead, the sensitive male that I am, “What is something you like about Little Carmen?” I asked.

La Flor put her index finger up to her lips, she was faking she was thinking, but I didn’t point it out, the sensitive male that I am. She moved her lips as she counted to six. Why six? No clue. She said, “He’s, no that’s not a strong point. He’s, no that isn’t it either. I know. He’s, no that doesn’t work either. It’s something about him. He has no good points for a beautiful, tough, and edgy, go for it all girl like me. He has one thing, just one thing.”

She said, “He’s, no that’s not a strong point. He’s, no that isn’t it either. I know. He’s, no that doesn’t work either. It’s something about him. He has no good points for a beautiful, tough, and edgy, go for it all girl like me. He has only one thing, just one thing going for him.”

“What is it?” I am intrigued.

“He’s a chick magnet. I don’t want any other alt ego women to have him. He’s mine. All mine.”

“Let me see if I understand.”

“Not a chance,” said La Flor.

“Why not?”“You’re not one of the species who has the understanding gene.”

“You’re not one of the species who has the understanding gene.”

“I’ll rephrase. Let me see if I can summarize.”

“That’s better, Ray.”

I said, “There is nothing you like about Little Carmen. How am I doing?”

“So far, so good,” she said.

“He’s a chick magnet and all your alt ego girlfriends would grab him in a second and you won’t let that happen.”

“You got that straight,” said La Flor.

In the distance, getting closer was the wail of sirens.

La Flor rushed to the window. She turned to me, “Ray, it’s the paramedics. Oh no, LC must be hurt and they want me to identify his shattered remains. He must have jumped out of a window because he loved me so much. Ray, I don’t think I can take it. I hope he left a note that tells everyone how he didn’t deserve me because he didn’t.”

I looked out the window, the back of the ambulance opened, LC jumped out, one of the paramedics hands him his Starbucks carry all. The paras waved at Little Carmen as he LC jogged to the door.

I said, “He’s okay, La Flor. He got a ride in the ambulance to bring you your drink.”

“Out of my way, Ray.” Said La Flor rushing to open the door.

“Here’s your drink my beautiful, tough, and edgy you can have it all girl.”

“Put them down you big lug and hug me. Then we’ll go plan our vacation at Wineland.”

I’ll never understand those two, too, or to.

* La Flor is a fictional character and acts as my alt ego. Her character has evolved over the blog posts. She began with a single letter as her name. Her name gradually grew to two letters, then three before she settled on La Flor. She liked the name because it fit her idea of a beautiful, tough, and edgy feminine PI.  It is my interaction with her persona that serves as the source of these blog posts. I have no notion how La Flor will continue to evolve. It is an adventure for me as well as the reader.

 

It’s Three-Thirty Somewhere

by

“You sure you want to be a shrink?” I asked La Flor*.

“My dream job,” said La Flor.

“Dream job?”

“Sure, you sit in a circle and ask people to talk. How hard is that?” said La Flor.

“I think there’s more to it,” I said.

“Come on, Ray. My assistant already prepared questions for me. I’m good to go,” said La Flor.

“You have an assistant?” I asked not remembering if I wrote this into the script.

She pointed to her left at Little Carmen with earphones in his ears, his head bopping to the music or something. She said, “Besides writing questions for me to ask, if anybody gives me trouble, LC will take them to time out.”

“Timeout in a support group?” I asked.

“That’s only for misdemeanors.”

“Misdemeanors? You have levels of bad behavior?” I asked.

“LC’s idea. Hold on a sec,” La Flor said then walked over to Little Carmen, pulled out his earplugs. “Come with me, LC.”

“Do I gotta?”

La Flor turned toward Little Carmen, looked up at him, “Do you want to go down this road again? No bedtime story. No Pizza Battles Reality Show.”

Little Carmen shook his head and dutifully followed La Flor until they both stood in front of me.

“LC tell Ray your great idea for the group.”

Little Carmen looked puzzled, no that’s not accurate, bewildered. No, that’s not accurate. Confused. No, that’s not accurate, either. He didn’t know what the hell was going on. That’s accurate.

“What ideas?” said Little Carmen jumping first to one foot, then the other.

“Do you have to go to the bathroom?” I asked.

“Geez, how’d you know?”

“Lucky guess.”

“Oh go,” said La Flor. Little Carmen headed toward the bathroom. La Flor turned to me, “I’m so happy he’s housebroken. LC could only get five alt egos from alt ego singles bar but I wanted six so he asked Big Carmen to join.”

“Big Carmen is in your group?”

“What I just say?”

“What’s the group’s theme. Every group has a theme,” I said.

“I was thinking of colors that don’t clash with what I’m wearing. Shoes have to be stylish. Hair has to be with it.”

“That’s your theme?”

“Yes, do you want to be part of the group? I’ll make an exception and make it seven people. It will be a lot of work,” said La Flor.

“No. But, I will observe, if you don’t mind,” I answered.

“As long as you don’t interrupt, butt in, correct me, raise your hand, give disgusted looks, roll your eyes, or act bored. I know it’s a tall order, Ray. I don’t need you interfering.”

“I will sit and watch the beautiful, tough, and edgy shrink at work.”

“Don’t forget the assistant shrink, two (remember, Little Carmen’s influence on La Flor, she now uses two for too).

Two hours later.

I’m seated in a circle of six people, three women, three men. One of the men is Big Carmen. This I don’t understand. La Flor is playing with her iPhone. Little Carmen is listening to a playlist. Five of the people are staring at La Flor and Little Carmen. The sixth, Big Carmen, is working on picking winners of baseball games, horse races, and deciding what the pizza special will be tonight.

I check my iPhone. We’ve been sitting in a circle for nearly twenty minutes. La Flor is still playing with her iPhone. Little Carmen fell asleep. Big Carmen is scratching his head, his pencil behind his ear.

La Flor finally puts her iPhone into her hand bag and said, “I’m the beautiful, tough, and edgy shrink. This is my first question written by my assistant, “Why are you here? Now I know why Big Carmen is here, he doesn’t have Wi-Fi and he’s using Ray’s Wi-Fi do online gambling.”

A woman, about thirty-seven, who had work done, if you know what I mean, raises her arm and starts waving it.

La Flor looks at her and said, “Yes?” The yes was coated in ice. And, even though it’s 1020 not a drop of ice melts from the yes.

“Some blog writer wrote us into the script. I had better things to do than waste an hour here.”

This was a bad move on a couple of levels. On one level, I’m the guy who wrote these alt egos into the script even though I don’t remember doing it. I wonder if La Flor is messing with my laptop when I’m asleep. I made a mental note to change the password. On a deeper level, La Flor gives her a look only La Flor can give and it’s going to get worse.

“You know what? You ought to sue your plastic surgeon, bad job,” said La Flor.

“Thank you. You are so wise. I told my boyfriend it was a terrible job, but you know men.”

“Only two well (La Flor picked up on Little Carmen’s habit of using two instead of too). I could tell you stories about that species,” said La Flor glancing at Little Carmen off in La La Land.

A short, paunchy, balding man with suspenders to hold up his pants, said, “I think it’s unfair picking on my species.”

La Flor looked at him, she stifled a gag response when she saw he violated all of her sartorial codes. She said, “Suspenders? A paunch? Pants with an elastic waist band? Is that a piece? What is your name?” said La Flor.

“It’s Bill.”

“Don’t tell me to chill. LC will take you level one, time out.”

“What did I do?”

La Flor shook Little Carmen. Little Carmen woke up with a start, “Huh?”

“LC, glare at him,” said La Flor point at Bill.

Little Carmen shot a glare at Bill that would cause a two-year-old to crawl back into the womb.

“Good boy, here’s your Snicker’s bar.”

“Wait too or six moments, beautiful, tough and edgy shrink,” said Little Carmen again confusing two and too.

“What’s wrong, LC?”

“How woods (that’s how he said would) likes it if I treated use like a German Schlepski?”

“I don’t like Schlepskis of any kind,” said La Flor.

“Use gets what I means?” said Little Carmen.

I thought the big, tough, muscle lug was going to cry.

“I didn’t means two (there she goes again sounding like Little Carmen). Can I give you a hugs and a Snicker’s Bar?”

“Of course, use may, my beautiful, tough, and edgy, I don’t likes dis stinkin shrinking business.”

“What are these people doing here? How long have we been going, I’m exhausted,” said La Flor.

I interrupted, “Actual time, seven minutes. Real time, twenty-five minutes.”

“You broke the contract, Ray. You can’t come back next week.”

“Okay,” I said.

“I was only kidding. You can run the group next week, they bore me.”

“I don’t want to run the group.”

“Neither do I, what are we going to do with them.”

Big Carmen looked up, “I has a great idea. Little Filly just won in the seventh at Aqueduct. I won five hundred bucks. Pizza for everybody at Carmen’s Pizzeria tonight.

All the alt ego’s start applauding.

La Flor gave gaga eyes to Little Carmen, “You big lug, I need a margarita after all the stress Ray put me through.”

I pointed to my chest, “Me? I’m an innocent bystander.”

Little Carmen turned toward me, he said, “Don’t thinks nothing to it, Ray-mo. Use was just cholesterol damage.”

I wanted to correct him and say collateral, but to what end.

Little Carmen gave his main squeeze a hug and said, “I knows just the place, it’s called Margarita de Ville. It’s three-thirty somewhere (I didn’t have to heart to ruin Jimmy Buffet’s song).

* La Flor is a fictional character and acts as my alt ego. Her character has evolved over the blog posts. She began with a single letter as her name. Her name gradually grew to two letters, then three before she settled on La Flor. She liked the name because it fit her idea of a beautiful, tough, and edgy feminine PI.  It is my interaction with her persona that serves as the source of these blog posts. I have no notion how La Flor will continue to evolve. It is an adventure for me as well as the reader.

 

 

 

 

What’s He Watching?

by

What are normal people doing at three a.m.? They’re sleeping. That is, unless they are working the night shift. That’s what I was doing, no I wasn’t working the night shift. I was in the deepest level of REM sleep, the kind of sleep that heals, renews, and when you wake in the morning you know it’s going to be a great day. Then my dreams shifted from the peaceful meadow with a clear creek running through, a few deer prancing in the distance, and the mountains smiling at me to the ground shaking, I was in an earthquake. I grabbed hold of a pine tree next to me. The earthquake grew stronger, I awoke from my nightmare holding my pillow tight to my chest. I opened my eyes to see La Flor and Little Carmen standing over me.

“Good morning, Ray,” said La Flor* a pleasant lilt to her voice.

“Was use having a nights mare? I hates night mares and day mares two (remember, LC says two for “too”).

I said, “What time is it? What are you doing in my room?”

“I wanted to talk and it couldn’t wait until you showered and had your coffee,” said La Flor.

I looked toward the covered windows, it was still dark, really, really dark. “Is it an emergency?” I asked.

La Flor tilted her head, “Not really. I didn’t want to think about it when I went back to bed. I probably wouldn’t fall asleep.”

I didn’t know what to say. Then I heard the gravel voice.

“I like omelets for breakfast,” said Little Carmen.

La Flor patted him on his head, and said, “Be a good boy and go lie on the couch, now go. You can have your omelet later.”

“I’m on my way beautiful, tough, and edgy to be determined,” said Little Carmen.

It was the last part of his sentence, there was something about it that might be important, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

From the living room, the gravel voice with a sense of urgency, “Can I watch cable?”

“If you don’t get off the couch,” said La Flor rolling her eyes.

A second later, the gravel voice again, “Can I get off the couch to get the remote?”

I wasn’t sure if the earthquake was the nightmare or if this is the nightmare. I lose either way.

“I’ll bring you a treat when I’m through talking with Ray if you’re quick about it,” said La Flor.

“I’ll be quicker than if you counts to four backward from too (that’s how he says two, confusing, right?).

I was sitting in bed trying to wrap my head around counting backward from two and somehow reaching four. I heard La Flor.

“I’m at two and a quarter are you back on the couch?”

“I’m almost there. Did I make it?”

“Good boy, LC.”

Is she treating Little Carmen like a large dog or a little child? I know I can mix metaphors with the best of the metaphor mixers. What La Flor is doing is new territory for me. She’s going where no alt ego has gone before. (Sorry StarTrek fans, I couldn’t help myself).

I checked my iPhone, it was 3:07 a.m. “Can we make this quick? I want to go back to my peaceful meadow.”

“I have three questions, Ray, that’s all. Easy squeezy. I love that expression. LC taught it to me. Sometimes I use sneezy instead of squeezy. And sometimes I use breezy instead of squeezy.”

“I get the point. Brilliant adaption of word usage,” I said, then wondered why I encourage her.

“Disappointed you didn’t think of it first? It was LC, then I took it a bit further,” said La Flor now sitting on the edge of my bed.

“Devastated. Now what are the three Questions,” I said, I was willing to make up any answer. I wanted to go back to sleep. I hope I can find that position again.

“Here you go, Ray. Q one. Q stands for questions; when I say Q it helps us to get to the point faster. Do you agree?”

I replied, “Oh yes, please use Q and use it frequently.”

“Q one, I’m changing careers. I want to be a shrink.”

My apologies to all psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors. If you have a problem, take it up with La Flor, por favor. I said, “Go for it.”

“Great, Q one is answered. Here’s Q too (I can see Little Carmen’s growing influence on La Flor, she used too instead of two. My world is spinning out of control). Can I use our living room for my group sessions?”

Group sessions? Our living room? Where was I? Is there a way out? Will they follow me if I find my way out? What the heck, I said, “Sure, why not. Can I go back to sleep?”

She waggled an index finger at me, “Ray, Ray, Ray we have one more Q. Q three and it rhymes with me.”

“You’re naturally poetic,” I said. It was now 3:22 a.m.

The sound from the living room threatened to make me deaf. “What’s he watching?”

“LC loves this show called Heavy Metal Rockers face off in a Death Cage Match with Violinists.”

“This is a show?”

“It’s really, really popular on cable.”

I need a support group. “What’s Q 3?” I said over the crash of a violin on the head of a Heavy Metal Rocker, then the profanity laced tirade of the Heavy Metal Rocker telling the violinist where he was going to insert the violinist’s bow if he caught him. Little Carmen was cheering for the rocker.

“He’s so cute when he gets excited,” said La Flor.

“Q 3, por favor.”

“I forgot. It couldn’t have been important. Ciao, Ray. I’m going to finish watching the show with LC.”

Sleep? Precious sleep? If you can’t beat them, join them. I wrapped my blankets around me and sat on the couch staring at something that shouldn’t be allowed on cable or to exist on the planet. I couldn’t take anymore. I got up and said, I’m going to get dressed and go to all night Starbucks.

“We’ll go with you. LC will record it so we can watch it later,” said La Flor, the beautiful, tough, and edgy shrink.

 

* La Flor is a fictional character and acts as my alt ego. Her character has evolved over the blog posts. She began with a single letter as her name. Her name gradually grew to two letters, then three before she settled on La Flor. She liked the name because it fit her idea of a beautiful, tough, and edgy feminine PI.  It is my interaction with her persona that serves as the source of these blog posts. I have no notion how La Flor will continue to evolve. It is an adventure for me as well as the reader.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tell Him to Grovel

by

“La Flor*, you have to come out of your room. It’s not healthy. You’ve been in there all day. You haven’t eaten anything. What is bothering you.”

“What’s that? I wouldn’t understand?”

“I think I might. I’m one of the sensitive males, give me a try.”

“There are no sensitive males, what makes you say that?”

“Why should I study my species?”

“I think some males are sensitive even though you haven’t met one.”

“That includes me? What did I do? You won’t tell me? Does that make sense? It does? At least come up to the door and keep it between us. Yes, I promise I won’t look through the keyhole. Yes, I promise I won’t quickly open it. Now talk to me.”

I sat down next to the door. It was not going to be quick or easy. La Flor said, “Ray, Life is like a pizza with no toppings.”

“Interesting metaphor, La Flor,” I responded.

La Flor’s voice rising. She was settling into her onstage performance, “Life is like trying to ride on the back of a motorcycle when finally your hair is perfect and the dumb motorcycle driver doesn’t notice it.” if La Flor had a gun I think she would have started firing it through the door. Glad I didn’t write one in for her.

If La Flor had a gun I think she would have started firing it through the door. Glad I didn’t write one in for her.

“I have a feeling I know what’s happening,” I said.

“You? How could you know? You’re a man. You’re in their club.”

“We have a club?” I asked.

“Yes and no beautiful, tough, and edgy woman are allowed,” she said.

“I don’t want to be a PI anymore. I don’t have a reason to live.”

“La Flor, what is going on?”

“It’s all your fault, Ray.”

“My fault? What did I do? I only try to help.”

“You made me break up with Little Carmen.”

“That’s what this is all about?”

“Breaking up was your idea, remember?”

“It was not my idea.”

“You sent him to that Alt Ego boyfriend stealer JJ Peterson.”

“Do you want me to go back and read yesterday’s blog to you?”

“Pour salt into my bleeding wounds. Kick me while I am down. Hold my head underwater until I can no longer breathe. Force feed me raw veggies. Is this what you’re trying to do?” she said while giving the most pathetic sobs I’ve heard in years.

“Hold that thought. There is someone at the front door.”

La Flor, all of a sudden calm, said, “If it is LC, tell him he better apologize before I will see him again.”

“Why do you want him to apologize when you want him back?”

“It’s the way I do things,” she said.

“I understand. I’ll be right back.”

I walked to the front door, the knocking more incessant by the second. I opened the door. Standing in front of me with his apron on, covered with sauce stains that look like blood, flour over his arms and face, and his hair disheveled stood Big Carmen.

Big Carmen didn’t wait for me to say anything. He started talking and jabbing his stubby index finger into my chest. I backed up a step. He took a step forward. He said, “Ray, use and me we gots to talk. You know, man to men. My boy, the offspring of my lions, he cries all the time. It’s embarrassing. I have to keep him in the kitchen and tell him to make pizza with his back to the customers.”

“Did you mean offspring of your loins?” I asked.

“No, I meant what I meant. Everybody but use knows loins is a kind of meat. You ever hears of chicken loins?”

“No, I heard of beef loin.”

“Beef loin is overrated. It’s bad for use, it gots lots of those aunti’s oxidants. I’m talking chicken loin, its rare. The Chinese use it for an afro diesel app.”

“Do you mean aphrodisiac?”

No, I means what I meant.”

“I can see where Little Carmen learned all he knows from you, Big Carmen,” I said patronizingly.

“Thanks, man. Now what’s we going to do to get these two together.”

From her bedroom, “Is it LC?”

I turned and said, “It’s Big Carmen. Little Carmen wants to get back together.”

“Is he ready to apologize and make two promises?”

Big Carmen heard La Flor. He said, “He don’t apologize, he gets to be the dishwasher this week instead of the dishwasher being the dishwasher which is a machine if use understand how I brings pressure.”

“I do. Nice plan,” I said, I didn’t want Big or Little Carmen to turn violent. I figured the best way was to try to agree with them.

“What’s the first thing, then tell me the second thing after use tells me the first thing.”

“Did you understand that La Flor?” I said.

“I’ll start with the second thing because it’s more important than the first thing, but the first thing is almost as important as the second thing, but a tad more important than the third thing,” said La Flor.

I felt a migraine coming on.

Big Carmen used his flour coated, hairy arm to brush me aside. He stepped inside and walked to La Flor’s bedroom door. He said, “This is Big Carmen, beautiful, tough, and edgy PI. You tell Big Carmen whats use wants and use gets it.”

A moment of silence followed by another moment of silence followed by five more moments of silence.

“Use okay in there? asked Big Carmen.

“I was freshening up, here are my conditions, one, no tacky white windbreakers.”

“Done. I hated it. It was his Uncle Richie’s idea. He never had a good idea since I known him and I known him since he was a baby.”

“Okay. I never, ever, ever, ever want to ride on the back of a motorcycle again.”

“What about the front, so I can clarify it for Little Carmen.”

“Not the front, side, or back.”

“Anything else beautiful, tough, and edgy PI?”“I don’t want pizza every night. You make the best pizza in the city Big Carmen, but I have to watch my svelte figure.”

“I don’t want pizza every night. You make the best pizza in the city Big Carmen, but I have to watch my svelte figure.”

“I must say your figures is good figures, but don’t take that personal.”

“No offense taken, handsome.”

“Use got good taste beautiful, tough, and edgy PI. I send out for my dinner six nights a week BTW. I’d go nuts eating my food, which is very good, all the time. Can I bring Little Carmen in? He’s in the car hiding on the back seat.”

La Flor stepped out of her room as if she was going on the red carpet. “Don’t touch me, Big Carmen. I did this for LC. Bring the boy in, tell him to grovel a bit. I like groveling.”

I need some help, Big Carmen. You have some advice for my blog readers? 

Sure ting, Ray. Heads up, readers: If your pizza don’t turn out right, call Carmen’s Pizzeria, we delivers. 

That’s it? That’s the best you could do?

Best I could do after the stress of helping my boy out.

* La Flor is a fictional character and acts as my alt ego. Her character has evolved over the blog posts. She began with a single letter as her name. Her name gradually grew to two letters, then three before she settled on La Flor. She liked the name because it fit her idea of a beautiful, tough, and edgy feminine PI.  It is my interaction with her persona that serves as the source of these blog posts. I have no notion how La Flor will continue to evolve. It is an adventure for me as well as the reader.

 

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