They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
I didn’t sleep very good last night.
So this morning I put Monster energy drinks in my coffee…
I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
My friend asked me, “What are your plans for the weekend?”
I said, “I’m going to buy glasses.”
She said, “And then what?”
I replied, “Then I’ll see.”
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. His buddy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Stay calm. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
