best jokes

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
–
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
–
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 

Source

My Dad said to me, “Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted.”

I shouted, “You’re kidding!”

He said, “It’s true. Get your things together, they’re coming to pick you up in an hour.”

Source

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

Source

How did the bunny rob a snowman?

He took out his hair dryer and said: Give me that carrot!

Source

A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm.

At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look, I’m about to change.

A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”

The horse says, “Me neither!”

Snake 1: ‘Are we poisonous?’
Snake 2: ‘I don’t know, why?’
Snake 1: ‘I just bit my lip.’