grieving

Grieving Held On; Slowly, I Became More Resilient

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I Was Slowly Becoming More Resilient

Each morning I woke to face my adversary, grieving. Grieving waited for me with a smile seeking to knock me down again and again. Each day I rose determined to fight back. Slowly, I was becoming stronger, more resilient. I didn’t notice it at first; it was at the ten week mark of grieving where I thought I got a glimpse of dawn that lasted long enough to give me hope. Here is an excerpt from my journal in Dancing Alone: Learning to Love Again:

“I am at the ten-week mark of grieving. I think I see progress in small ways. In other ways, the emptiness is as strong as it was on day one. Living one day at a time, doing the best I can, and trying to stay in the moment is a herculean task.

Perhaps grief will never leave me. I wonder when people look at me and see me smiling if they think I’ve bounced all the way back and no longer see me grieving. I put on a happy face. I smile. I engage in conversations. I try not to speak about my grieving. If asked, I share my story again and again. It is the price I pay for the gift of loving Babe. Would I trade my life and wish it differently if I knew my life with Babe would end this way? I wouldn’t think about it for a second. My life with Babe was, and continues to be, a love story.

Babe, through her life, taught me to love. She was as close to God in her life as anyone I’ve ever known. Why would I trade that?”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

I Made 4 Promises To Myself In The Depths of Grieving

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I Made 4 Promises To Myself In The Depths of Grieving

M cautioned me grieving could cover me with a fog so dense I’d not be able to find my way through. She suggested I make four promises to myself and renew the promises each day. Making the promises and renewing them each day were small steps, but I’ve always kept my word. This time, the challenge was to keep the promises I made to myself. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“My first promise is if I fall down, I will not stay down and feel sorry for myself. I will get up and get going. 

My second promise is to find meaning in Babe’s death and use it to help create a sense of purpose in my life.”

“My third promise is to love and forgive myself. I’ve learned the most important person in the grieving process is me. I am the person life asked to continue living. If I don’t, everything else will disappear. Before I can love anyone or anything else, I must learn to love myself.”

“My fourth promise is to see, love, and serve my Lord in all my brothers and sisters and in all His creations. I’ve changed. I’m different. My world has changed and so has what I want to do with my life.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.

M Offered Me Tough Love as I Grieved

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M often gave me tough love as I grieved. During a pity party, M challenged me to choose to live. She said it wasn’t easy, I’d have to frequently make the decision to counter the violence of the emotional storms I experienced. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again where M helped me make it through another emotional storm:

“I’ve never experienced emotional storms with wind gusts reaching hurricane strength. They strike at times of their choosing. . . . I was listening to music when one of our favorite songs played. My emotions were overwhelming and I couldn’t stop the tears. How do I handle these storms, M?”

M offered a soft smile and a question. “When the tears and shaking stopped, what did you do?”

I gave M a quizzical look in reply.

“What did you do?” she asked again, softly but firmly.

“I moved the clothes out of the washer and into the dryer. I made a healthy salad to go with supper. And I put more bird seed in the bird feeder. Why?”

“I’m hearing you say you had an emotional storm. You weathered it. And, you chose to go on living. You didn’t crawl into a shell and feel sorry for yourself. . . . What’s your problem?” M pressed on. “You had an emotional storm. It came. It brought its winds. You survived. More will come. You’ll survive. You’ll survive as long as you choose to live when the storm ends.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Grieving Taught Me Life Isn’t Fair

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Grieving taught me a hard lesson, ‘Life isn’t fair.’ I didn’t want to learn the lesson. I wanted life to be fair. I wanted the outcome to be different. M helped me understand life’s unfairness is an equal opportunity employer. No one is exempt from this life lesson. Here is how M spoke to me about this hard lesson in an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“Life’s not fair, M. It’s not right.”

“M dismissed my argument. “You’re no more special than anyone else, Ray. Life is not going to give you a pass. No one gets a pass. No one is born with a contract stating life will be fair. We’re born to parents we didn’t choose. We didn’t choose out cultural or economic environment. Nor did we have a choice in our religious upbringing. Life doesn’t play by the rules you want. When you think about what happened to you in a fair and not fair way, the only possible outcomes are anger and resentment.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Grieving Generates Strong Emotions With No Let Up

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Grieving Generates Strong EmotionS With No Let Up

M asked me to journal about the emotions I was experiencing. She said, “Our emotions, if left unchecked, can cripple us.” Journaling while I grieved was difficult, I felt at a deep level it was important if I were to learn to live again. Here is a journal excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again: 

“I run from away from dealing with my emotions by engaging in exercise, prayer, and writing. Even in those times of distraction, my emotions rear their ugly heads into my space, grab ahold of me, and throw me to the floor. My emotions stand over me, waving their fists and daring me to get up, all too willing to knock me down again. I wearily rise to my knees. I stand again, my legs wobbly. I try to clear my head. It hurts like hell.

My emotions cause me to cry over the most trivial things. I go to church for solace. I gaze at the stained glass windows behind the altar and cry. I listen to hymns and cry. I hear a scriptural verse and cry. I stare straight ahead, avoiding the glances of other patrons. I don’t want people to stare at me. I let the tears stream off my face and drip from my chin. It hurts like hell.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

A Shared Experience of Grief Taught Me About Grieving

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A Shared Experience of Grief Taught Me About Grieving

I found a grieving group that worked for me. I was the only male in a room of 20 women. These women became my teachers and my inspiration. They taught me about courage, strength, and compassion. I share part of that experience in this excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Love Again:

I listened to a woman openly cry while telling the story of her husband who died of a heart attack in her arms. I thought of how strong she was to recognize her need to grieve. She wanted to be healed. Another woman described how her husband of 54 years died unexpectedly this summer. A woman sitting next to me, Chris, showed me her ring finger with a tattoo of her deceased husband’s name, Nick, on it. Even though a tattoo isn’t something I would personally do, I empathized with her heartbreak. Terry, who sat two seats over to my right, still mourned the loss of her dad after four years. Her sadness was etched all over her face. Her loss, like mine, resided in the deep, dark places of her soul. Each woman spoke with honesty, searching for comfort amongst their deep losses. At times, they spoke of the physical suffering they were experiencing.

“At times it feels like I can’t breathe my heart hurts so much,” a woman named Janet shared.

Rose, who sat on my left, spoke through watery eyes. “I miss not being able to hug my Daniel. I miss his laugh, his smile, his warmth.”

For each of us, our suffering and pain manifested itself in similar and different ways. In the end, it led to the same place of grief. We hurt. We ached. We wondered if we would ever be happy.

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by

Each Day I Stumbled Forward

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Each Day I Stumbled Forward

My neighbors told me over and again it gets better with time. No it doesn’t. But I got up each morning, put on my best smile, and stumbled forward. Stumbling forward became my metaphor for not quitting. A tiny spark, deep within me flickered with the desire to learn to live again. M spoke honestly to me about stumbling forward. She had a similar experience when her husband was killed in a car accident. Here is a an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again:

“I feel as I’m stumbling forward, M. You know how it is, two steps forward and then I step on a rock, causing me to lose my balance. I stumble to the ground—always forward, never backward.”

“I like the metaphor,” M said. “Stumbling forward describes how I felt during my periods of intense grieving. . . . I had to learn new ways to live. I learned to do many things Peter previously did for me. I didn’t want to learn to do them, I had to stumble forward. I had to grow. . . . Don’t count the times you stumble, Ray. One day you’ll wake up and realize you’re walking without stumbling. You’ll stop walking or doing whatever you’re doing and give thanks to God. Until the moment arrives, continue to stumble forward.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright.

Grieving Left Me Feeling ‘Empty’

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M asked me to use one word to describe what I feel. She chided me when I tried to tell her how I feel. It wasn’t long before I knew how I felt. One word provided the perfect description for me. I told M, I felt empty. She asked me to describe it. Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

“When Babe died, a tornado struck me and sucked out my life energy with such force. I’ll never be the same. It ripped my guts open and spilled them on the floor alongside my shattered heart. It was as if a surgeon decided to operate on me and not use an anesthetic or close me up after the operation. I am helpless to stop the pain. I am helpless to stop the flood of memories feeding the pain. I am helpless to stop the music or other emotional triggers releasing my emotions and starting my flood of tears. My pain is gluttonous and feeds itself on my suffering. My sense of emptiness is a chasm wider than the distance from the Grand Canyon’s north rim to its south rim. It is a vast space within. I am empty, M. That is what it feels like to be empty.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

I Journaled About My Unanswered Prayers

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Journaling About Unanswered Prayers

I didn’t confine my anger to doctors and nurses and hospital staff. I was angry with God. I quit speaking to Him. My faith in God was on life support. Here is an excerpt from my Journal Entry on my unanswered prayers in Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again

“I could not imagine God’s will being different from mine. Somehow, I thought God would not reject my argument. After all, I was making my case on love. How could God refuse my prayer? All I heard was the deafening sound of more silence. Each day Babe grew weaker. Her eyes remained closed, and even her lips ceased to mouth the words “I love you.” Her hand no longer squeezed mine in response when I told her I loved her.

Nurses implored me to tell Babe it was okay to die. I refused. I wouldn’t quit. That was our deal. I promised. Medical staff would demand to know what I wanted for her last moments in this world. I regularly answered, “A miracle.”

I prayed on and on as Babe continued to slide away from me. I struggled with my will versus God’s will. The only time I asked God for his will to be done was the day Babe died. And I haven’t been grateful for anything since that day.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

Grieving & Anger Were My Dance Partners

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The weight of the anger I carried threatened to destroy me. I was angry with doctors, nurses, hospitals, God, and mostly myself. I always protected my family and I faulted myself for failing Babe. M suggested I journal about my anger. Journaling about my anger helped to loosen its grip on me.Here is an excerpt from Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again.

“I have a lot of unpacked baggage related to Babe’s hospital stay. My mind heads straight for this tragic moment in time, not bothering to stop at intersections or red lights to give me a breather along the way. Images of caring people and people who didn’t care all play continuously across a screen in my mind.

I’m angry at myself for being so naïve. I believed doctors and health professionals care. I recall only one doctor who cared enough to fight for Babe—one out of many. I think there was a time when doctors cared more. I met them before. But it seems times have changed. Circumstances have changed. Compassion trails the field, running a distant second to rules and regulations. . . . 

There are times when we waited forty-five minutes for a CMA or nurse to answer our repeated calls for assistance. Does a money manager understand the demands on a nurse and a CMA? Nurses and CMAs are overloaded with several patients to cover all at once. I wondered if some patients just lay in their waste for hours? Those who do not have family or friends with them must, and I am certain of it.”

Ordering information for the paperback or ebook version of Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again may be found at https://optimisticbeacon.com/dancing-alone/

Excerpt From: Dancing Alone: Learning to Live Again by Ray Calabrese. This material is protected by copyright

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