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My Conscience Is Speaking

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“I never thought you’d ask me,” said my conscience with a hint of I told you so in his voice.

“I always listen to you. It’s my number one rule. You know that,” I retorted.

“Should I list the times you didn’t listen to me to your readers? Imagine what La Flor, Little Carmen, TT, and Carmela will think of you if I post your slip ups on my Facebook page.

“You wouldn’t?” I asked.

“I don’t have a conscience to listen to. I am the conscience.”

“I don’t like your attitude,” I said.

“I don’t like you hanging out with shady characters. Do you read your blogs?” My conscience asked.

“If I could like them more than once I would read them all day,” I said.

“Ah, the ego has taken hold of you. That’s the problem, isn’t Ray? Think of where you’re leading Little Carmen. The nitwit can’t find his way home when he’s on the sidewalk in front of his house. What about La Flor? She’ll flirt with anyone who rich, and will help her get all she wants. Is that the kind of character you want to create?”

“Hey, conscience. Cut La Flor some slack. She’s beautiful, tough, and edgy. She’s smart. She’s savvy. I like La Flor,” I said.

“Oh, I get it, you want to move Little Carmen aside so you can have La Flor all to yourself.”

“What are you talking about? She’s an alt ego. A created character. No wonder I don’t listen to you.”

“Life would be better if you did?” said my conscience.

“What do you suggest. I’m giving you a chance and it better be good.”

“La Flor should go to a third-world country and do missionary work. Little Carmen should be a Big Brother to inner city kids. TT should work for Apple. And, Carmela, she can wait on tables at Carmen’s Pizzeria.”

“What about Big Carmen and Lil Carlo?” I asked.

Before my conscience can speak. …

“Hey, Ray. Is your conscience bothering use?” said Big Carmen swaggering into the room.

“Stay out of this Big Carmen. It’s between Ray and me,” said my conscience.

“I needs the beautiful, tough, and edgy one. My boy is going to gets a very serious promotion when I can thinks of something to promote him to. And, as for Lil Carlo, give me a break. He’s got a good heart, even if he’s nuts. Now beat it, and leave my man, Ray alone.”

“Thanks, Big Carmen.”

“I’m watching you, Ray,” said my conscience pointing his finger at me as he walked out the door.

Fill My Soaker Tub

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“LC lets think about the basics,” said La Flor holding Little Carmen’s hand.

“Do use mean basically this and basically that,” asked Little Carmen.

La Flor said, “You’re so adorable, muscular, and … and … and.”

“And, what’s, beautiful, tough, and edgy one,” asked Little Carmen.

“Getting back to basics, LC. I want a poem every day telling me how wonderful I am,” said La Flor.

“I already has one ready, “Roses are red, violets are blue no one is cuter than use.”

“We’ll skip the poems,” said La Flor. Then she added, “This is a speed drill.”

“I am all speed for use, my beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

“Let’s see how fast you can go to Starbucks and return with a mocha frappuccino. Pay attention. No melting allowed. No spillage allowed. Extra whipped cream.”

“I got it.”

“Ready, set, go, you’re on the clock. You fail, you’re out,” said La Flor.

What word or words can describe a hairy, muscular man wearing a skin tight Carmen’s Pizzeria t-shirt. None. He hurdled the shrubs, bounded on the hood of a car parked on the street, dodge cars crossing the street, and knocked over two trash cans, straight armed a jogger before he disappeared around the corner.

“Do you think you are being fair to Little Carmen?” I asked La Flor.

“Fair? Fair? If life were fair, Ray, every woman would be as beautiful as me. They’re not. So let’s not talk about fair.

“He might get tired of being treated this way and leave you,” I said.

“Surely you jest. Leave me? How often does one of your species get to be with someone like me? Don’t answer because the answer is obvious.”

“I think you’re emphasizing edgy.”

“I’ve got to bring LC back to the middle. He went too far to the edge. He was pushing the boundaries with the cooking gig.”

The door slams. Handyman time again. “I’m back. Did I makes it? I borrowed a 15 speed from a barrista,” said a puffing Little Carmen.

La Flor sips her drink, smiles, “Perfect LC. You passed test. Now, fill my soaking tub, put candles around it, and pour a glass of white wine for me. Don’t forget to lay out my terrycloth towels, body lotion, and put on my fav playlist.”

Little Carmen’s cell phone rings. He answers it, “Yes, Big Carmen. Yes, Big Carmen. Yes, Big Carmen. Yes, Lil Carlo.”

Little Carmen put the phone in his pocket, “I’m going to starts the water in the soaker tub, beautiful, tough, and edgy one, but I gotta go, Big Carmen got a problem, he needs a sub. I gotta go with Lil Carlo on an errand.”

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug,

“Be careful, LC.  Don’t get caught. Text me?”

“Will do, my beautiful, tough, and edgy one.”

“Don’t get caught?” I asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing?”

“Huh?’

 

 

My Puffed Male Ego Popped

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“Life’s much better for me, Ray, now that LC is in Chef Vigeli’s Culinary School,” said La Flor skimming through hairstyles photos on her iPad. She turned her iPad toward me, “Think this style will look good on me?” she asked.

This is a no win question for any guy. We lose either way. I summed up my guy knowledge and said, “You are beautiful, tough, and edgy. You’d make any hairstyle look good.” I impressed myself. Nice answer, Ray.

“I suppose. But I want the truth,” said La Flor with a knowing look that I was scamming her.

I wanted to say “You can’t handle the truth,” just like Jack Nicholson. Bad move. I let it go. Here’s the truth, I was only singing half a song, “You choose your hairstyle. I will write the blog so that every alt ego woman wants to copy your style. You’ll be the trendsetter.” I  am getting very good at this. I answered La Flor’s comeback with a sure fire win.

La Flor didn’t waste a second before she sent her volley to my backhand side, “I don’t care about them. I want to see LC drool. I want to hear him sigh. I want to see his knees get weak, buckle, and watch him collapse to the floor overcome with my beauty. I’m almost there. One more teeny push and he’s over the edge. As for you, drop the cute answers. Any woman can see right through them.”

“Oh.” La Flor took a knife and stuck it into my puffed male ego and I heard it pop.

Saved by …

“I didn’t knock because I use my burglar tools to get in,” said Big Carmen. “I also disarmed your alarm system. Reminds me to alarm it when I leave.”

I pay fifty bucks a month for an alarm system Big Carmen treats as Lego Blocks, the ads said burglars better beware, Something is wrong with this picture.

“How you doing good looking stud,” said La Flor speaking to Big Carmen. I was hoping she was talking to me.

“I’m doing a lots better now that I sees the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman of Little Carmen’s dreams.”

“Hi, Big Carmen,” I said.

“I didn’t come to talk to you, but since use is polite enough to say hi, hi,” said Big Carmen. He turned back to La Flor, “I gots a once in a lifeline propo for use.”

“I’m worn out from lawyering. My caseload is all booked up,” said La Flor.

“We got’s nobody under arrest. We do have a number of my business associates as persons of interest, but that is another matter.”

“What’s your propo?” said La Flor picking up on Big Carmen’s vocab.

“Charlie Sevini heads up LCM Pharmo. Charlie gots a problem. He likes to gamble, he loses a lot. He owes me lots and lots and so I now own half his company. I told him I wants use to be the company’s star in a nationwide ad for a beauty drug that will air on all the NFL games on opening week. I tooks the liberty to write the script for use. It will be on a teleprompter. Use will be dressed in such attire as to show the world your physical assets if use knows what I means.”

La Flor, playing it cool, took a sip of her coffee, “I’m really, really booked up, BC.”

“Do this as a fav for me and I will makes sure use gets your own dressing room, makeup artist, nail tech, hairstylist, and jewelry even if you’re not wearing it in the shoot. And, use get top dollar.”

“I want LC to be holding me in his arms and admiring my body with a glassy, lost look in his eyes,” said La Flor.

“Use got the hole (yes, he said hole) package.”

“Let me see the script,” said La Flor.

Big Carmen hands it to her. She starts reading it. “Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. I don’t know. That’s got to go.” She looks up at Big Carmen. I’ll do it if I can make a few insignificant changes to the script.”

“Use is my angel, beautiful, tough, and edgy. When does use want to shoots it?”

“Come by tomorrow so we can go over the script. You’ll love the changes I made. I have to check with LC since he’s going to be holding me in the shoot. He should be home any second from Chef school.”

“it’s good to see the boy has a drop of ambition. I tink dats all he’s got.”

The front door slams, “I’m home. Did use know the alarm is off, Ray?”

“Uh huh.”

“Let me tells use all what I learned to today. It’s ground beef breaking. It’s funnel a normal” (I think he meant phenomenal).

“How so,” I said.

“I learned two tings. One, if the toast is hot, the peanut butter melts on it. Not many people know that. Second, did use know jelly goes with peanut butter? Who would have figured. Clef Vigeli is so creativity.”

“Dis is what Leo is teaching use? How to makes peanut butter and jelly toast?” said Big Carmen. “He’s gonna have peanuts when I gets through with him.”

“Hey, it’s a family blog,” I said.

“I apple gees. I forgets,” said Big Carmen.

“I brought home the peanut butter and jelly toast I made so use guys can try it,” said Little Carmen opening up a Tupperware container with three triangles of peanut butter and jelly toast. He offered each one of us a piece.

“Not bad,” I said.

“Very good, how did use do the swirl with the peanut butter. Makes me think we could add a swirl to the mozzarella on the pizza. Did I mention tonight’s special is a large build it any style for seven ninety-two when use add a small salad for six eighty-four?” said Big Carmen.

“I prefer chocolate,” said La Flor. Then she added, “With white wine.”

 

 

I’m Admiring My Hands

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“I haven’t seen your main squeeze all day. Did you guys split?” I asked La Flor.

“No, we didn’t split. But we’re not engaged anymore because you made me give the ring back. It was such a beautiful ring. It was so right on my finger and so wrong of you to take it away. I can only guess you don’t understand love,” said La Flor as she texted.

“Who are you texting?” I asked.

“Are you bored? Don’t you have something to do? I know I’m interesting, beautiful, tough, and edgy but I need some space. I was texting LC, if you must know. He’s at Vigeli’s School of Culinary Artists. Today’s his first day. He should be home any minute,” she said.

“I’m impressed. Vigeli’s school is exclusive. He only takes the most promising chef candidates into his classes. How did Little Carmen get in? He doesn’t seem like chef material.”

“The power of persuasion is the way I’d put it,” said La Flor.

“Little Carmen persuaded Chef Vigeli to take him into his classes?”

“No, LC is not in class. He has a better arrangement. Vigeli was persuaded to tutor LC one on one,” said La Flor now unfollowing every woman with what La Flor considered a bad hairdo.

“One on one tutoring? I don’t believe it. Chef Vigeli is a snob. He’s an elitist. He could never handle Little Carmen one on one.”

“He could if Big Carmen persuaded him,” said La Flor.

“Oh,” I said.

Then, the voice from the living room, “I’m home from school, beautiful, tough, and edgy lawyer, model, PI. Did I get them all?” said Little Carmen.

“Come in and give me a hug and kiss, I’m admiring my hands and don’t want to get up,” said La Flor.

Little Carmen bounded in as if he were a dog and the dog’s master said, “Let’s go for a walk.”

Kiss, hug, and squeeze.

“Now, LC. Sit down and tell Ray and me everything you learned at school today,” said La Flor.

I think I heard my mom ask me that same question, years ago.

“It was very thought prefabricating,” said LC. Did he mean provoking?

“How so,” I said.

“Clef Vigeli talked to me for five minutes then said we was going to do advance breakfast meals.”

“Treble or Bass Clef,” I asked.

“I’m not sure what’s his first name is. Reminds me to ask him tomorrow,” said LC. He got up went to the fridge, pulled out a beer. “I’m tursty, anybody else want something. He only got cheap wine, beautiful, tough, and edgy wine colonoscopy.”

I’m sure he mean connoisseur.

“Hurry up and tell Ray what you learned so we can get out of here. I’m getting the heebie-jeebies.”

Little Carmen took a long pull on his beer, hit his chest, and burped.

La Flor made a face. She started breathing through her mouth and fanning herself with her hands, “What is that smell? It’s awful? If you’re going to kiss me, you better brush and gargle.”

“Use smells my first creation, which I hads to eat. Lets me tell use. I would never make it or puts it on a menu. I figured it’s one of those breakfasts the snobbels eat.”

I also caught a whiff of the burp, started breathing through my mouth. I now have a hunch about Little Carmen’s first cooked meal.

Little Carmen sat up proud as a peacock, “Dis is exciting and complicit (I think he meant complicated). First I had to get a flat plate. There’s lots of them. I couldn’t choose one too big or one too small. It had to be just right (Is this a Goldilocks redo?). Then I had to put a piece of bread in the toaster. It seems simple, but it’s worse. Use can’t put it in sideways or upside down. Then I had to make sure the toast was perfectly brown on both sides. This took me six loaves to master. But I learned it. Then I had to spread peanut butter on the toast and give it a little twist at the end. I went through seven jars of peanut butter before I got it right. Vigeli was crying, he must have been so proud of me. Then I had to eat the peanut butter toast. I hates peanut butter almost as much as I hates toast.”

“What’s he going to teach you tomorrow?” I asked.

“I advance to putting jelly on top of the peanut butter.”

“Let’s get out of here. You and I need to talk.”

“Where to, beautiful, tough, and edgy one?”

“The closest wine shop,” said La Flor.

 

Everyone Loves Me

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La Flor and I sit at the table. I’m sipping my coffee, a piece of multigrain toast smothered in peanut butter and raw honey sits in a dish in front of me. A bowl of blueberries off to the side. The temperature in the room is a pleasant 75. Yet, I feel as if I’m back in the freezer.

“Are you going to speak?” I asked La Flor.

“No. No. No. I am never going to speak to you again and this doesn’t count for speaking,” she said.

“Yes it does,” I said.

“No. It was a commercial. And, furthermore you blew a great career opportunity for the both of us.”

“How so?” I asked.

La Flor doesn’t realize she’s talking to me for the first time in five days. “That second rate, oily skinned, horrible hairstyle, who has no class now has my job as the image for Carmen’s Pizzeria. Truth be told, and I will tell the truth, it’s all silicon and collagen. And, a little liposuction from the hips. You think those lips are the same one’s she was born with? Let me tell you about her  ….”

“Stop right there, La Flor. Are you talking about Carmela?”

“The itch, I won’t use the B word, stole my job. I am going to trash, trash, trash her.”

“Why don’t you celebrate her success? I’m happy TT is the new manager.”

“That’s because you have no ambition.”

“Do you want half of my toast?”

“No. I’m on a starvation diet.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’m restricting myself to smoothies and wine and ghuda cheese.”

I hear the door slam, not a moment too soon. Little Carmen comes into the dining room.

“How’s the beautiful, tough, and edgy soon to be model of the world’s most expensive jewelry.”

La Flor cocked her head toward Little Carmen, “Say what?”

“I was talking to Big Carmen and telling him how’s it wasn’t fair that use is not the image for the pizzeria. He’s sorry he did it because his sales has gone down the toilet.”

“I knew it. I knew it. Everyone loves me.”

“Of course. But he had to do it to keeps peace in the big family seeing Carmela is the Whale’s granddaughter and Big Carmen is her godfather.”

“What’s this thing about being a model?” asked La Flor.

“It’s a deal, ifs use wants it. Joe Tomalina, he’s an importer and exporter of certain things. Namely, in this case diamonds is one of his imports. And, cars left for more three hours on the street are what he exports. Well. La Roche Exquisite Jewels needs the importer to procure diamonds. But upon Big Carmen talking to Joe who happens to be a cousin of Big Carmen, Joe tells the roach he got to have you as the new image. TV, Cable, all the big mags. Use got the best deal possible. There’s only one hitch.”

“What and it better not be a deal breaker,” said La Flor.

No, no deal breaker. You still got to be the eye candy for Pepper, Whale and the 5th. They want to watch you do the shoot.”

La Flor bounded out of her chair, threw her arms around Little Carmen’s neck and began to kiss him. For my part, I took my coffee, toast, and fruit to the patio. I’m not one to interfere with love.

Are We Done?

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“I gonna call a meeting to protect us from forces even too big for the government to stop. Even too big for Big Carmen and the Mob to threaten. Use sees, if I don’t do nothing then nobody is going to do nothing, no how, no way, no time,” said Little Carmen.

“Are you going to do nothing? Is that what you’re saying?” I said.

“That’s exactly my point, Ray-mo. Thanks for asking da question. Like I said, which I didn’t say hold the questions. If you got one question raise your hand with one finger, but not the middle one in the case of misinterruption. If use has two questions raise your hand with two fingers and in this case, use may use the middle finger provision it comes up second and is in the basement to the next finger. If the next finger is cut off use got to use your pinky and ring finger,” said Little Carmen.

“You are so smart, LC. Ray and TT could take lessons from you,” said La Flor checking her social media and unfollowing anyone who she thought was unattractive or a potential competitor.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“The question about hows I’m gonna donates use eyes back to use if use don’t have any eyes,” said Little Carmen.

I held up my hand, “Does anyone have a clue as to what Little Carmen is talking about? He’s way over my head?” Sometimes I’ll say anything to keep peace among these four.

“We don’t have mucho time, Ray-mo. The beautiful, tough, and edgy fancy is teaching me to speaks Spinglish.”

“Do you mean fiancé?” I said.

“That’s what I said,” Little Carmen replied.

“What’s Spinglish?” I asked.

TT raises his hand.

“Yes, TT,” I said.

“If I may, perhaps I can help. Spinglish is a combo Spanish, English and street trash talk often found among the uneducated, buffoons of the lower Malgoola River in New Zealand. As far as the first part, he’s talking about the moon and the sun at the celestial cotillion on Monday.”

I used to think TT had more on the ball than the rest, he’s tottering on the edge of a precipice and if he falls, there is no coming back.

“Thanks for the clear if ick a shun,” said Little Carmen believing he was sounding intelligent because he slowly enunciated each syllable of a word.

“Are we finished, LC? I have a nail appointment in twenty minutes,” said La Flor while she was reading her texts.

“Give me five more minutes beautiful, tough, edgy who is wearing a rock so big it will be the envy of every woman who lived or will live.”

“What about extra-terrestrial women?” asked La Flor.

“Great question my beautiful, tough, and edgy mentor,” said Carmela.

“Huh. Is that like the women who wear too much makeup?”

TT nods. Carmela sees TT nod and does the same. La Flor not wanting to lose her audience nods as well and adds, “Too much makeup takes away from one’s natural beauty. But, of course, you have to have natural beauty like me.”

“Well said, my beautiful, tough, and edgy mentor,” Carmela doing her best to suck up to La Flor.

Five more minutes, then I’m out of here, I tell myself. Nothing useful is coming out of this household meeting.

“Likes I was salivating, if use looks directly into the mirror during the e-slips, use will lose your irises and once use lose them, the only place to find them is in the lost and found if somebody turns them in.”

La Flor shouted, “Bravo. We’re done. I don’t have to look into the mirror because I’m perfect. Anyone disagree?”

La Flor looked for a show of hands, “We’re all in agreement. Carmela pay careful attention to how I make the nail techs to do my nails. If you don’t they can be pushy. And, while I’m having my nails done, I want you to go and get me my fav Starbucks drink. You’ll have to hold it up for me to drink because I don’t want to mess my nails.”

“Uh huh,” obeyed Carmela.

The thought of an empty house almost overwhelms me with gratitude. Los cuatro amigos out for the afternoon and perhaps longer. My mind races with plans. A few phone calls and I’ll have dinner with a friend and intelligent conversation. Until . . .

My iPhone rings with a special ringtone for someone I hope never calls me. The ringtone plays the theme from the Godfather.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga Sang For Us

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I’m sitting at the table. My yogurt, oatmeal, fruit sit in from of me. My cup of hot dark roast coffee in my hand. Everyone is sleeping. I turn on my iPad and tap the USA Today app to check the headlines. Everything is normal. Chaos in Washington. Chaos in Europe. Chaos in the Middle East. Chaos in Asia. I click on sports, the Sox beat the Yanks in the first game of a crucial three-game series. I click on local news. Two headlines grab my attention:

Thieves Hit Steinberg’s Jewelry Boutique Cleaned Out In Overnight Heist

Strange Breakin at the Museum of Rare Small Boxes

My right-hand starts shaking. I set my coffee down spilling some on the table. Will La Flor be sporting a Steinberg’s classic diamond? I enter into stage one, denial. Impossible. Big Carmen wouldn’t do this. Lil Carlo is too old to try. Little Carmen, not smart enough. I feel better. Until . . .

“Ray, Ray, Ray look at my ring?” La Flor prances into the dining room in her pajamas. Her right hand extended in front of her. I’m nearly blinded by the flashes of light given off by a ring so large I can’t see her knuckle.

“Ray, Ray, Ray look at La Flor’s ring,” said La Flor’s echo, AKA Carmela.

“Did I do good, Ray-mo?” asked Little Carmen.

“Can I get you coffee C,” said TT to Carmela.

C? TT and C?

La Flor sidled up next to me and whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry, TT is practice. He doesn’t stand a chance.”

“When did Little Carmen give you the ring?” I asked.

“You missed it. It was so romantic. I thought Carmela and TT were going to pass out.”

“Where did this happen? How did it happen? You sure it’s not hot?”

“Think like a romantic, Ray. You’re tabloid, hemorrhoid, anthropoid, and typhoid,” La Flor said with a hint of edge.

“Did you mean paranoid?”

“Toss that one in too,” she said.

“Where did you get those words?”

“We played Scrabble after our Romantic dinner.”

“Scrabble after an evening of romance?”

“It was TT’s idea. Never listen to him. He has no clue. Good thing LC made him help me so I could win,” said La Flor.

“He was playing against you. Yet, you made him help you?”

“I didn’t. LC did. We went to Carmen’s Pizzeria for our romantic date.”

“A pizzeria?”

“Yes. He closed it just for the four of us. He had a four-piece band and Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga sang for us.”

“Bennett and Gaga?”

“What’d I say? Big Carmen brings out a hot pizza with all my favorite toppings, cooked the way I like it, and a bottle of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild 1945.”

I ask Siri what that bottle of wine costs. Siri replies, “23 grand. Enjoy.”

“I’m worth every cent. On top of the pizza is a little wooden stand in the middle. On the wooden stand is a small expensive rare box that one can only find at a guarded museum that is probably worth more than everything you own. LC picks up the box. Opens it. And, gives it to me.”

“Did he ask you to marry him?”

“Details, Ray. Details. I’m a big picture woman.”

“He put this rock on my finger. You’ll have to cut my finger off to take it from me.”

I want to ask, “Did it come with a gift receipt? Did Amazon deliver it?”

“You didn’t hear the best part,” La Flor said.

“I didn’t?”

“Big Carmen comes over and gives me a hug. Then he goes and gives Tony Bennett a hug. Then he hugs Lady Gaga.”

“That’s the best part?”

“No, after he whispered something to them, Tony and Lady Gaga came over to request my autograph.”

“Huh?”

 

I’m The Trend Setter

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“La Flor I need your total attention. Please put your iPhone away,” I said.

“Why do we have to do this at Panera? This is not a La Flor kind of place. I need places with an uppity feel,” La Flor complained.

“Like a wine shop?”

“That’s a start in the right direction,” she said.

“The more you concentrate, the quicker we’ll get this done and you can do whatever beautiful, tough, and edgy women do,” I said.

“See, this is the problem with you,” La Flor nipped at my heels.

“What? What did I say to offend you?”

“There are some beautiful women. There are some tough women. There are some edgy women. But there is only one beautiful, tough, and edgy woman. Need I say more?”

“I apologize for my oversight,” I said.

“I’m not sure if I’ll accept it. We’ll see how this conversation goes.”

“I’ll cut to the chase. You don’t want the ring Little Carmen is going to give you.”

“I don’t want a ring a really, really big ring? I don’t want really, really expensive ring? And, I don’t want to be the envy of all the alt ego women? What is wrong with you?”

“For starters, it’s probably hot. A close second, do you really want to marry Little Carmen?”

“Marry? Marry Little Carmen? Who said anything about that? I didn’t. I only want the ring.”

“He thinks he proposed.”

“That’s his problemo. I going to speak in Spanish in case he is listening. Understand, mi perro?”

“I am not your dog. Big Carmen wants to know the date,” I said.

“Tell him to look at his phone’s calendar,” she said. Then she added. “Don’t you dare spoil me getting that ring.”

“It’s hot.” I said.

“Of course it’s hot. Everyone will want one just like it because I have it. I am the trend setter. Where have you been the last few weeks?” asked La Flor.

“What about Big Carmen and Lil Carlo?” I said.

“What about them? They’re sweet, kind, gentle. They wouldn’t hurt a flea. Are we done? I told LC he needs to buy me a completely new wardrobe if I’m to wear the ring he is giving me.”

“You’re digging a hole you’re not going to be able to climb out of,” I said.

“I can’t figure it out, Ray.”

“What?”

“What Big Carmen saw in you to offer you a wonderful career opportunity.”

I’m Not Managerial Material

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I’m tired of the drama. I’ve got more drama than the White House and Congress combined. If it’s not La Flor, it’s Carmela who’s taken up residence. If it’s not one of the girls, it’s Little Carmen. And, now, TT is love struck. He purchased a notebook and doodles big hearts, little hearts and every kind of heart in between. TT + Carmela. Carmela + TT TLF. Oh, give me a break.

You want to know about the ring? Cousin Carl asked for an extra day. It had something to do with getting the boys together. A group of guys shopping for a ring for Little Carmen? I know. I’m naive.

Anyway, los cuatro amigos are out for a handsome carriage ride down by the Riverwalk. They’ll get in when they get in. I’m going to start the next season of my favorite series on Netflix. Remember how Big Carmen ruined the finale. At least he didn’t tell me how the next season started. I ordered a pizza from Struzzerio’s Deep Dish. Big Carmen doesn’t make deep dish and I’m craving it. I get it loaded with veggies. And, the sauce, the sauce is so good I’ll scrape the cardboard box to get every drop of it.  I’ll add extra cardio at the Y tomorrow.

I have my pizza. I bought Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. I have my diet soda to balance the Chunky Monkey. Everything is arranged on my coffee table. My cell is turned off. Netflix is on, and I push play. Life is good. Until . . .

“Hey, Ray. I bring use pizza so’s we can watch the Sox tonight against the Yanks.”

He’s in my house? How? Why? The door was locked. The shades are drawn. The TV is on low. I slide Struzzerio’s deep dish under the sofa.

Big Carmen walks into the living room carrying two extra large pizzas. A small box marked cannoli. And, another box marked, breadsticks and sauce. He said, “If the game goes into extra’s I’m gonna call Antonio to bring us more food.”

“Who’s Antonio?”

“Just a guy from the neighborhood who owes me a favor. He’s working the shop tonight because I got to be good to the man who taught my Little Carmen to talk like the angels, to sing like Pavarotti, to write like Dante.”

“I did?”

“Don’t be bashful. His beautiful, tough, and edgy woman is hot for him, It’s a marriage made on the plaza in heaven next to the pizzeria.”

“Don’t take this personal, Big Carmen. But, my doors were locked. How did you get in?”

“Use beans serious?” asked Big Carmen.

I nodded.

“Let me splain something to use. Use got a lock. The locks no good if use can’t open it. Am I right?”

What choice did I have? “You’re right.”

“See, use is flowing with my logic. If a lock is meant to be opened, why not open it. This is a value I live by.”

“It’s a core value. I can see that,” I said.

“For some reason, my pizza smells extra good tonight. I got to thanks Antonio. He used to work for Struzzerio’s until I told him not to work for Struzzerio.”

“You don’t like Struzzerio?” I asked while I tried to push Struzzerio’s deep dish deeper under the sofa.

“It goes way back. Maybe seven or eleven generations. I like Angelo. He’s okay. It’s his great, great, great grandfather I can’t stand.”

“Do you know his great, great, great grandfather?”

“No. I don’t have to know him to not like him. You see what I’m saying?”

I nod to move the conversation on and get to the pizza.

“Ray. I owes use a big, maybe huge, maybe gigantic favor. Use see where I’m going with this?”

“Un uh,” I said.

“Let’s look at use career. Use is going nowhere fast. This frog thing use is doing. . . .”

“Do you mean blog?” I asked.

“That’s what I said, frog. Now don’t uninterrupt my thoughting.”

I nod.

“I want to offers use a managerial position in a business not too many people knows about.”

“Is this Amway?” I said. Why I said this, I have no clue.

“I knows my way, if that’s what use is asking. But my managerial position has to do with procurement, delivery, and collections. Use don’t do any of the heavy lifting. One of the perks I offer is to have use house swept for bugs every hour. That way use don’t have bugs if use know I means. And, another big plus, is use get to have Lil Carlo as use assistant.”

Is he asking me what I think he is asking me, but I don’t want to put it in print in case an agency with three letters wants to talk to me. I’m feeling dizzy. I think I’m hyperventilating. Big Carmen whacks me on my back hard enough to knock my eyeballs into the next county.

“I sees use are overwhelmed at my generous offer, which I know use can’t refuse. I’m talking six, seven figures. Use own chauffeur, who carries. See where I’m going?”

Straight to the big house, I’m thinking.

La Flor is marrying into this family. The crazy thing is, I like Big Carmen even if I think he’s nuts.

I change the subject, “Let’s open the pizza. I’m starving.”

“I see use was going to watch Netflickers and seasons 3. Let me tells use how the cliffhanger works out.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to watch my Netflix series without a spoiler alert. And, I’m not managerial material.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He Has a Limited Attention Span

by

What do you say to a guy who’s head over heels in love with someone who doesn’t love him? What do you say to a guy who can leap tall buildings with a single bound, fly faster than the worlds fastest rocket, and will throw himself in front of a runaway bus for the woman he loves, but doesn’t love him?

I’m plucking petals from daisies. Now you understand my dilemma. He loves her. She doesn’t love him. He adores her. She uses him for window dressing. He’ll do anything for her. She’ll let him do anything for her. Now, I have to convince Little Carmen not to marry La Flor. What’s that? I created this mess and it’s up to me to sort it out? Unless you’ve dealt with

Now, I have to convince Little Carmen not to marry La Flor. What’s that? I created this mess and it’s up to me to sort it out? Unless you’ve dealt with alt ego personalities you have no clue how difficult it to reason with them.

I take a deep breath, visualize myself being successful until in my visualization I see Lil Carlo pointing a gun at me telling me to fix everything. I stop visualizing.

“Little Carmen, can I get you a beer? Glass of red wine (this is the cheap stuff I cook with)? Soda?” I said.

“No tanks, Ray-mo. But if use has a red popsicle that’d be good.”

A red popsicle? Isn’t that something four-year-olds want? I know there are no popsicles in my fridge, but I go and look anyway. I root around like I’m looking for the popsicles. I holler back, “I remember I ate the last one last night. Darn. Anything else?”

“How’s about a piece of the left over anchovy pizza?”

It’s three days old. But pizza doesn’t have a decomposition value. “Need it heated?” I ask.

“No tanks. I likes my little fishies cold. I just don’t want them swimming,” Little Carmen laughs at his humor. Humor? Did you laugh?

I said, “Good one.”

“What?”

I forgot about his limited attention span. I choose a choice piece, put it on a plate, grab a piece of paper towel for a napkin and bring it to Little Carmen.

“Tanks,” He nods. He takes the paper towel napkin and blows his nose on it. Crumples it and sticks it in his pocket. Should I say, ‘one and done?’ I think not.

I know I’m stalling. Little Carmen folds his pizza in half. I count, one … two … three bites and the large slice is gone. He pulls up the bottom of his t-shirt and wipes his mouth. He makes a fist and hits his stomach. The expected belch soon follows.

“Use know a true pizza factoid Ray-mo. It tastes better the next day and sometimes the day after the next day. Pretty deep, don’t cha tink?”

“Deep,” I answer.

“I only has ten minutes before I has to go to work at the pizzeria. Big Carmen’s short shifted tonight because my cousin Carl is busy.”

“Too busy to go to work?” I ask.

“Oh, he’s working for Big Carmen. Let’s put it this way, do use need a need smart TV at a considerable discount?”

“No thanks. My TV works fine.”

“How’s about use choice of sardines, any brand use want?”

“No thanks, I’m all set. What’s Carl do, exactly?”

“When he’s not mixing the dough, he works in procurement for Big Carmen. Use know what that word means?”

I don’t want to know anything else. I said, “It means he’s busy tonight. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”

“There’s bad news? I don’t like bad news and Big Carmen, he hates it worse than me. Know something else, Lil Carlo goes nuts when he hears bad news. I tinks it runs in the family tree.”

My situation reminds me of when I was in basic training. A sergeant came up to me, stood two inches away from. Our noses almost touching and he said (honestly, this is true and it is an exact quote), “Your ass is grass and I’m the lawn mower.” Right now, I’m the grass and it’s a toss up who’s the lawn mower, Big Carmen, Lil Carlo, or some cousin I haven’t met.

“Little Carmen, it’s this way…”, La Flor dashes in.

“To where?” asked Little Carmen., La Flor dashes in.

I’m about to speak when I hear . . .

“Not another word, Ray. I hope I’m not too late,” said La Flor dashing into the living room, her protege a half step behind. TT who’s smitten with the protege is a half step behind her.

“She looks at Little Carmen, “Let me see the diamond before I accept your proposal. It better be big, real, and really expensive or you find another girl.”

“I was going to give it to use tomorrow after cousin Carl does some procuring. It’s like Amazon, but better. I don’t have to wait two days to have it delivered. Use will see something so big, so expensive, so beautiful it will blind use girlfriends or cousin Carl goes for a swim.”

“Huh?” I said.

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