laugh out loud

Joe: “I told my boss, ‘I will never work another day for you.'”

Pete: “What did your boss say?”

Joe: “My boss said, ‘You’re fired.'”

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

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Molly: “I asked my husband if he remembered what day today is.”

Sophie: “What did he say?”

Molly: “Scaring men is so easy.”

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Pete: “Joe, I read read where four out of five people suffer from diarrhea.”

Joe: “Does that mean one out of five enjoys it?”

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Joe: “My girlfriend was complaining last night that I don’t listen to her.”

Pete: “Why did she say that?”

Joe: “I don’t remember, I was thinking about something else.”

Joe: “My wife wife went with me for my annual physical exam.”

Pete: “How did it work out?”

Joe: “When the doctor asked for a stool sample, my wife told me to give the doctor my under shorts.”

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Joe: “My favorite uncle died because no one could remember his blood type.”

Pete: “That’s too bad, Joe.”

Joe: “As he was dying, he kept shouting, be positive. It was hard to be positive and watch him go.”

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Joe: “My girlfriend called and asked me if I wanted to come home at lunch for a quickie.”

Pete: “What did you say?”

Joe: “I said, “Nicole, it’s pronounced, quiche.” 

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Joe: “I called my wife last night and told her I’d pick up Pizza and Beer on the way home.”

Pete: “What did she say?”

Joe: “I was met with stony silence. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.”

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Joe: “My girlfriend accused me of not being faithful to her.”

Pete: “What did you say to her?”

Joe: “I said, “What would make you think that? She said, ‘You see to always hang around Rachael.”

Pete: “What happened?”

Joe: “Unfortunately, the voice in my closet said, “It’s Rochelle, not Rachael.”

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