Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.
I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Why did the burglar shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Woman 1: “What would you do if you sent your husband to bring potatoes up from the cellar and he fell down the stairs and broke his neck?
Woman 2: Pasta I guess.
The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes.
He had tears in his eyes.
Then he hugged my sister and me.
