Comedy fun

Joe: “I’m suffering from separation anxiety.”

Pete: “What’s troubling you, Joe?”

Joe: “I’m afraid my ex will come back.”

Joe: “My psychiatrist told me I had an obsessive-compulsive disorder.”

Pete: “Was your psychiatrist certain?”

Joe: “I’m not sure, I only called ten times to make sure she was certain.” 

Joe: “I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.”

Pete: “That’s amazing?”

Joe: “I can also tell when they’re standing.”

Joe: “My girlfriend asked me if I felt I was being followed.”

Pete: “Did you ask her why she thought that?”

Joe: “She said she was seeing other guys behind my back.”

Joe: “The police asked my ex why she threw a chair at me.”

Pete: “What did she say?”

Joe: “She said, “The table was too heavy to throw.”

Joe: “My wife accused me of cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.”

Pete: “What happened, Joe?”

Joe: “She said, “This is the last time I’m playing Scrabble with you.”

Joe: “My wife complained that I don’t love her relatives.”

Pete: “What did you say?”

Joe: “I told her that wasn’t true. I said, ‘I love her mother-in-law much more than I love mine.'”

Joe: “My neighbor told me she’d do things for me my wife would never do for twenty dollars.”

Pete: “What happened?”

Joe: “She ironed four shirts for me.”

Joe: “My ex called me at work and asked if I got a stabbing pain in my back as if someone was sticking a voodoo doll. I told her no.”

Pete: “What did your ex say?”

Joe: “She said, ‘Wha about now?”

Joe: My girlfriend is like Apple’s terms and conditions.”

Pete: “How so, Joe?”

Joe: “I ignore everything she says, and end up completely agreeing with her.”