laugh out loud

Joe: My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

Pete: That’s amazing.

Joe: He also has a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Source

Question: You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?

Answer: Get off the carousel and sober up.

Source

Question: “What does it mean if you find a horseshoe?”

Answer:  “Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.”

Source

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.'”

Source

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”  

Source

Joe: “I bought a guitar online so I could learn to play it.”

Pete: “How’s it going?”

Joe: “The guitar doesn’t work.”

Pete: “What’s wrong with it?”

Joe: “I should have known there were problems when the seller told me no strings attached.”

Source

Joe: “I want to give a shout out to sidewalks.”

Pete: “Why’s that, Joe?”

Joe: “They’re keeping  me off the streets.”

Joe: “I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!”

Pete: “That’s quite a compliment.”

Joe: “Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.”

Source

Son: “Dad, why is my sister’s name Paris?”

Dad: “Because we conceived her in Paris.”

Son: “Thanks, dad.”

Dad: “No problem, Quarantine.”