laugh out loud

Joe: “My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.””

Larry: “How do you feel about that?”

Joe: “It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.”

Source

Larry: “I came out of the supermarket this morning and a woman was crying. She Told me she lost all her money.”

Pete: What did you do?”

Larry: “I felt sorry for her and gave her $50.”

Pete: “That was generous.”

Larry: “I wanted to keep good karma going. Earlier, I found #1000 in the parking lot on my way into the supermarket.”

Source

Todd: “Why do all the girls in our neighborhood have the same phone number?”

Larry: “Surely you’re mistaken. What do you mean?”

Todd: “Every girl I ask out for drinks gives me the same number, 555.555.5555.

Pete: “I went to the art museum this afternoon.

Jack: “Did you enjoy yourself?”

Pete: I asked a security guy there if I was allowed to take pictures. He said no, they had to stay on the walls.”

Source

Tim: “My girlfriend asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.”

Jack: “” Did you turn off the streaming music?”

Tim: “No. I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.”

Source

Ben: “I just called the paranoia hotline.”

Don: “What happened?”

Ben: “A guy answered and said, “How did you get this number?!”

Source

Joe: “I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.”

Bill: “What happened?”

Joe: “The odds were against me.”

Doctor: Jack, this is your wife’s first child, have you ever been present at a childbirth?”

Jack, “Yes, doctor, just once.”

Doctor, “Great. What was it like?”

Jack, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.”

Source

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse says, “Yes, please!”

Source

Ben: “My wife’s upset with me?”

Joe: “What did you do?”

Ben: I asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.”

Joe: “That was nice of you.”

Ben: “I gave her what she wanted, I got her nothing.”