laugh out loud

Ken: “My girlfriend tells me I have 2 major faults.”

Tom: “Really? What are they?”

Ken: “She said I don’t listen – and something else.”

Source

Sam: “My girlfriend  claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.”

Joe: “How do you feel about it?”

Sam: “I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.”

Source

A man is staying in a hotel. He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”

The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”

Source

 Question: Why was the baby ant confused?

Answer: Because all his uncles were ants.

Harry: “I told my dad he needed to embrace his mistakes.”

Pete: “How did he handle it?”

Harry: “He gave me a hug.”

Source

Jose: My girlfriend keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

Marco: Did you stop?

Jose: I can’t, I’m on a roll.

Source

Pat: “My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”

Joe, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Pat: “On the contrary. I said, “Good idea – we can cover more ground that way.”

Source

My Dad said to me, “Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted.”

I shouted, “You’re kidding! Really?”

He said, “Yes. Get your things together, they’re coming to pick you up in an hour.”

Source

Ken: “I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.”

Jen: “Oh no. What happened?”

Ken: “My riders didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.”

Source

Larry: “Nick, I bought a dog off a locksmith today.”

Nick: “That so. How’s the dog behaving?”

Larry: “As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.”