laugh out loud

Joe: Why the sour face?

Pete: I broke my finger yesterday.

Joe: That’s to bad.

Pete: On the other hand, I’m fine.

Someone stole my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about it.

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Mike was always late for work. His boss threatened to fire him. Mike asked his doctor for help. His doctor prescribed a pill  to take it before he went to bed. Mike slept well, and woke up before the alarm went off  in the morning. Mike showed up to work on time.

When Mike got to work, he saw his boss and said, ”The pill actually worked!’

‘That’s great,’ said the boss, ‘But where were you yesterday?’

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Sam walks into his boss’s office and says, ‘Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.’

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

‘By the way,’ asks the boss, ‘Which three companies are after you?’

Sam answers, ‘The electric company, water company, and phone company!’

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Joe: Where did you get your new smart phone?
Pete: I won it in a race.
Joe, Really? How many people were in the race?
Pete: Three. A policeman, the owner of the smart phone, and me!!

 I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

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Question: Why can’t a bike stand on its own?

Answer: It’s two tired.

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If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

Question: What are shark’s two most favorite words?

Answer: Man overboard!