I’m The Trend Setter

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“La Flor I need your total attention. Please put your iPhone away,” I said.

“Why do we have to do this at Panera? This is not a La Flor kind of place. I need places with an uppity feel,” La Flor complained.

“Like a wine shop?”

“That’s a start in the right direction,” she said.

“The more you concentrate, the quicker we’ll get this done and you can do whatever beautiful, tough, and edgy women do,” I said.

“See, this is the problem with you,” La Flor nipped at my heels.

“What? What did I say to offend you?”

“There are some beautiful women. There are some tough women. There are some edgy women. But there is only one beautiful, tough, and edgy woman. Need I say more?”

“I apologize for my oversight,” I said.

“I’m not sure if I’ll accept it. We’ll see how this conversation goes.”

“I’ll cut to the chase. You don’t want the ring Little Carmen is going to give you.”

“I don’t want a ring a really, really big ring? I don’t want really, really expensive ring? And, I don’t want to be the envy of all the alt ego women? What is wrong with you?”

“For starters, it’s probably hot. A close second, do you really want to marry Little Carmen?”

“Marry? Marry Little Carmen? Who said anything about that? I didn’t. I only want the ring.”

“He thinks he proposed.”

“That’s his problemo. I going to speak in Spanish in case he is listening. Understand, mi perro?”

“I am not your dog. Big Carmen wants to know the date,” I said.

“Tell him to look at his phone’s calendar,” she said. Then she added. “Don’t you dare spoil me getting that ring.”

“It’s hot.” I said.

“Of course it’s hot. Everyone will want one just like it because I have it. I am the trend setter. Where have you been the last few weeks?” asked La Flor.

“What about Big Carmen and Lil Carlo?” I said.

“What about them? They’re sweet, kind, gentle. They wouldn’t hurt a flea. Are we done? I told LC he needs to buy me a completely new wardrobe if I’m to wear the ring he is giving me.”

“You’re digging a hole you’re not going to be able to climb out of,” I said.

“I can’t figure it out, Ray.”

“What?”

“What Big Carmen saw in you to offer you a wonderful career opportunity.”

Courage and Love

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Those who know are or have deeply loved, know you go all in or don’t go. There’s no halfway. It’s a zero-sum game. Choose to love with everything you’ve got or not to love. When one chooses to go all in, one takes the biggest risk of his or her life. And, when the one they choose to love reciprocates, there is nothing else that can compare with it. The poet Maya Angelou beautifully expresses courage and love in this short Vimeo video.

https://vimeo.com/66506252

I’m Not Managerial Material

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I’m tired of the drama. I’ve got more drama than the White House and Congress combined. If it’s not La Flor, it’s Carmela who’s taken up residence. If it’s not one of the girls, it’s Little Carmen. And, now, TT is love struck. He purchased a notebook and doodles big hearts, little hearts and every kind of heart in between. TT + Carmela. Carmela + TT TLF. Oh, give me a break.

You want to know about the ring? Cousin Carl asked for an extra day. It had something to do with getting the boys together. A group of guys shopping for a ring for Little Carmen? I know. I’m naive.

Anyway, los cuatro amigos are out for a handsome carriage ride down by the Riverwalk. They’ll get in when they get in. I’m going to start the next season of my favorite series on Netflix. Remember how Big Carmen ruined the finale. At least he didn’t tell me how the next season started. I ordered a pizza from Struzzerio’s Deep Dish. Big Carmen doesn’t make deep dish and I’m craving it. I get it loaded with veggies. And, the sauce, the sauce is so good I’ll scrape the cardboard box to get every drop of it.  I’ll add extra cardio at the Y tomorrow.

I have my pizza. I bought Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. I have my diet soda to balance the Chunky Monkey. Everything is arranged on my coffee table. My cell is turned off. Netflix is on, and I push play. Life is good. Until . . .

“Hey, Ray. I bring use pizza so’s we can watch the Sox tonight against the Yanks.”

He’s in my house? How? Why? The door was locked. The shades are drawn. The TV is on low. I slide Struzzerio’s deep dish under the sofa.

Big Carmen walks into the living room carrying two extra large pizzas. A small box marked cannoli. And, another box marked, breadsticks and sauce. He said, “If the game goes into extra’s I’m gonna call Antonio to bring us more food.”

“Who’s Antonio?”

“Just a guy from the neighborhood who owes me a favor. He’s working the shop tonight because I got to be good to the man who taught my Little Carmen to talk like the angels, to sing like Pavarotti, to write like Dante.”

“I did?”

“Don’t be bashful. His beautiful, tough, and edgy woman is hot for him, It’s a marriage made on the plaza in heaven next to the pizzeria.”

“Don’t take this personal, Big Carmen. But, my doors were locked. How did you get in?”

“Use beans serious?” asked Big Carmen.

I nodded.

“Let me splain something to use. Use got a lock. The locks no good if use can’t open it. Am I right?”

What choice did I have? “You’re right.”

“See, use is flowing with my logic. If a lock is meant to be opened, why not open it. This is a value I live by.”

“It’s a core value. I can see that,” I said.

“For some reason, my pizza smells extra good tonight. I got to thanks Antonio. He used to work for Struzzerio’s until I told him not to work for Struzzerio.”

“You don’t like Struzzerio?” I asked while I tried to push Struzzerio’s deep dish deeper under the sofa.

“It goes way back. Maybe seven or eleven generations. I like Angelo. He’s okay. It’s his great, great, great grandfather I can’t stand.”

“Do you know his great, great, great grandfather?”

“No. I don’t have to know him to not like him. You see what I’m saying?”

I nod to move the conversation on and get to the pizza.

“Ray. I owes use a big, maybe huge, maybe gigantic favor. Use see where I’m going with this?”

“Un uh,” I said.

“Let’s look at use career. Use is going nowhere fast. This frog thing use is doing. . . .”

“Do you mean blog?” I asked.

“That’s what I said, frog. Now don’t uninterrupt my thoughting.”

I nod.

“I want to offers use a managerial position in a business not too many people knows about.”

“Is this Amway?” I said. Why I said this, I have no clue.

“I knows my way, if that’s what use is asking. But my managerial position has to do with procurement, delivery, and collections. Use don’t do any of the heavy lifting. One of the perks I offer is to have use house swept for bugs every hour. That way use don’t have bugs if use know I means. And, another big plus, is use get to have Lil Carlo as use assistant.”

Is he asking me what I think he is asking me, but I don’t want to put it in print in case an agency with three letters wants to talk to me. I’m feeling dizzy. I think I’m hyperventilating. Big Carmen whacks me on my back hard enough to knock my eyeballs into the next county.

“I sees use are overwhelmed at my generous offer, which I know use can’t refuse. I’m talking six, seven figures. Use own chauffeur, who carries. See where I’m going?”

Straight to the big house, I’m thinking.

La Flor is marrying into this family. The crazy thing is, I like Big Carmen even if I think he’s nuts.

I change the subject, “Let’s open the pizza. I’m starving.”

“I see use was going to watch Netflickers and seasons 3. Let me tells use how the cliffhanger works out.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to watch my Netflix series without a spoiler alert. And, I’m not managerial material.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Creativity & Courage: Two Sides of the Same Coin

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Are you creative? Have you run up against brick walls? Naysayers? People who won’t encourage you? Join the club of creative people. George Lois, American art director, designer, and author gives a blunt talk to college students about the courage they will need to be creative. If you need a creative pep talk, this Vimeo video is for you.

He Has a Limited Attention Span

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What do you say to a guy who’s head over heels in love with someone who doesn’t love him? What do you say to a guy who can leap tall buildings with a single bound, fly faster than the worlds fastest rocket, and will throw himself in front of a runaway bus for the woman he loves, but doesn’t love him?

I’m plucking petals from daisies. Now you understand my dilemma. He loves her. She doesn’t love him. He adores her. She uses him for window dressing. He’ll do anything for her. She’ll let him do anything for her. Now, I have to convince Little Carmen not to marry La Flor. What’s that? I created this mess and it’s up to me to sort it out? Unless you’ve dealt with

Now, I have to convince Little Carmen not to marry La Flor. What’s that? I created this mess and it’s up to me to sort it out? Unless you’ve dealt with alt ego personalities you have no clue how difficult it to reason with them.

I take a deep breath, visualize myself being successful until in my visualization I see Lil Carlo pointing a gun at me telling me to fix everything. I stop visualizing.

“Little Carmen, can I get you a beer? Glass of red wine (this is the cheap stuff I cook with)? Soda?” I said.

“No tanks, Ray-mo. But if use has a red popsicle that’d be good.”

A red popsicle? Isn’t that something four-year-olds want? I know there are no popsicles in my fridge, but I go and look anyway. I root around like I’m looking for the popsicles. I holler back, “I remember I ate the last one last night. Darn. Anything else?”

“How’s about a piece of the left over anchovy pizza?”

It’s three days old. But pizza doesn’t have a decomposition value. “Need it heated?” I ask.

“No tanks. I likes my little fishies cold. I just don’t want them swimming,” Little Carmen laughs at his humor. Humor? Did you laugh?

I said, “Good one.”

“What?”

I forgot about his limited attention span. I choose a choice piece, put it on a plate, grab a piece of paper towel for a napkin and bring it to Little Carmen.

“Tanks,” He nods. He takes the paper towel napkin and blows his nose on it. Crumples it and sticks it in his pocket. Should I say, ‘one and done?’ I think not.

I know I’m stalling. Little Carmen folds his pizza in half. I count, one … two … three bites and the large slice is gone. He pulls up the bottom of his t-shirt and wipes his mouth. He makes a fist and hits his stomach. The expected belch soon follows.

“Use know a true pizza factoid Ray-mo. It tastes better the next day and sometimes the day after the next day. Pretty deep, don’t cha tink?”

“Deep,” I answer.

“I only has ten minutes before I has to go to work at the pizzeria. Big Carmen’s short shifted tonight because my cousin Carl is busy.”

“Too busy to go to work?” I ask.

“Oh, he’s working for Big Carmen. Let’s put it this way, do use need a need smart TV at a considerable discount?”

“No thanks. My TV works fine.”

“How’s about use choice of sardines, any brand use want?”

“No thanks, I’m all set. What’s Carl do, exactly?”

“When he’s not mixing the dough, he works in procurement for Big Carmen. Use know what that word means?”

I don’t want to know anything else. I said, “It means he’s busy tonight. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”

“There’s bad news? I don’t like bad news and Big Carmen, he hates it worse than me. Know something else, Lil Carlo goes nuts when he hears bad news. I tinks it runs in the family tree.”

My situation reminds me of when I was in basic training. A sergeant came up to me, stood two inches away from. Our noses almost touching and he said (honestly, this is true and it is an exact quote), “Your ass is grass and I’m the lawn mower.” Right now, I’m the grass and it’s a toss up who’s the lawn mower, Big Carmen, Lil Carlo, or some cousin I haven’t met.

“Little Carmen, it’s this way…”, La Flor dashes in.

“To where?” asked Little Carmen., La Flor dashes in.

I’m about to speak when I hear . . .

“Not another word, Ray. I hope I’m not too late,” said La Flor dashing into the living room, her protege a half step behind. TT who’s smitten with the protege is a half step behind her.

“She looks at Little Carmen, “Let me see the diamond before I accept your proposal. It better be big, real, and really expensive or you find another girl.”

“I was going to give it to use tomorrow after cousin Carl does some procuring. It’s like Amazon, but better. I don’t have to wait two days to have it delivered. Use will see something so big, so expensive, so beautiful it will blind use girlfriends or cousin Carl goes for a swim.”

“Huh?” I said.

Dogs Make Great Teachers

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Worries, deadlines, imagined crisis, trying to control what can’t be controlled; we’re all guilty at some time or other. These things, real or imagined, often blind us to what is important. The following YouTube video shares important values in life as taught to us by dogs. If you like dogs as much as I do, you’ll enjoy this video and learn much from it.

Will Siri Help Me?

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I guided La Flor over to the sofa and helped her sit. I’ve not seen her in such a fragile state. Tears streaming down her cheeks, leaving a web-like trail of mascara giving her a macabre look. She’s shaking as if she stepped out of a freezer. Her voice, barely audible. This is not the beautiful, tough, and edgy woman I know. My inner Saint Bernard is off to the rescue.

“Let me get this straight, La Flor. You do not want to marry Little Carmen under any circumstance. And, your answer is final. Is that right?” I asked.

She nodded. Then wiped her nose on her arm. The woman is a basket case. Under any circumstance, La Flor would not stoop to this degrading behavior. I offer her a Kleenex and she starts wailing as if she were not named queen of the alt ego alt ego cotillion.

Between sobs, she said, “It, it, it’s my tragic life. My life is over. Tie me to the tracks and let a train run me down. Buy me a one-way ticket to the slums in Juarez. Dump me in the middle of the Mojave and forget about me.”

“You’re depressed,” I said.

“Depressed? Depressed? Is that the best you can do? I thought you were my last hope, a sensitive male who might help me. But, no, you’re, you’re like the rest of your species. You’re only thinking of yourself and …”

And, she started wailing again. I’m concerned a neighbor might call 911 and report a domestic dispute. I hear my inner Saint Bernard barking, howling, scratching at the door to my heart. What can I do but help?

“Okay, I’ll talk to Little Carmen for you.”

“You will?” her voice so soft, I barely heard her.

“Yes,” I said and squeezed her hand.

“And, will you protect me from Big Carmen and his thug, Lil Carlo?” she whimpered.

“I will speak to Big Carmen.”

“Will you ask him if I can still be the image for his pizzeria?”

“Yes, I will.”

“Do you promise, cross your stone heart,” she whimpered.

It wasn’t the right time to argue with her about my stone heart, so I said, “I promise.”

I’d no sooner finished when Carmela burst into the living room, “Bravo, bravo, bravo, beautiful, tough, and edgy actress. You rightly deserve an Oscar for your Oscar performance.”

“Huh?” I said, bewildered.

“Let go of my hand, Ray. I have to shower and redo my makeup. It’s not easy having as much talent as I have. Remember your promise. I know you don’t break promises.”

“Huh?” It’s all I can say. Her old black magic has me in a spell. Her old black magic that she weaves so well. My apologies to Sinatra. La Flor left me befuddled, bemused, and bewitched. Anxious? That’s for kids. I’m in full blown panic attack. And then I hear …

“Ray-mo, eyes back. Use gonna coach me on how to do the pro, er, prop, er, pop the, er, asks to marries me?”

A crazy thought? Will Siri help me?

 

 

Be Ready For The Moment

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I am psyched. Today is a new day. I have another chance and so do you. I don’t know if I’ll be successful in chasing my goals. I do know if I work hard, I have a chance. I will make myself ready for the moment, if and when it happens. Dare to challenge yourself to work hard, sacrifice for a worthy goal. Discipline yourself to put in the effort. You’ll never be disappointed. You won’t have regrets. And, if the moment happens, you’ll be ready. Enjoy the brief YouTube video starring Mark Wahlberg and the discipline he uses to stay in shape.

Anxious?

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Life isn’t supposed to be this way, even in the alt ego world. I’m not supposed to be connected to the mob. Okay, my grandmother ran numbers, that doesn’t mean anything. It was a community service. Now I’m in a pickle. I’m face to face with a 1000 pound gorilla. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I’m paddling upstream without a paddle. When I get anxious, I mix metaphors. I’m mixing and I’m going to continue to stir the pot. There’s no way I can shake this hook. Enough, I silently scream. I’m driving myself nuts.

It’s tough enough to muster the courage to propose. I used to chide Babe (my wife), she proposed to me. She always said no. I think someplace in heaven she’s shaking her head at me telling me I got it wrong.

How am I going to teach Little Carmen to propose? How am I going to get La Flor to accept his proposal? Big Carmen doesn’t take failure well.

I’m pacing. I’d say back and forth, but that’s only partially right. I’m circling, quadrangling, boxing, and elipticalling. My mind is like a gymnast doing floor exercises until . . .

“We’re back,” hollered La Flor from the doorway.

“We’re back,” hollered Carmela from the doorway.

“We’s back, Ray-mo,” said Little Carmen.

Okay, they’re back. All parties accounted for.

“What’s for dinner, Ray?” said La Flor.

“What’s for dinner, Ray?” said Carmela.

“Enough with the echo,” I said.

“Bad day?” asked La Flor.

“I got things on my mind I can’t discuss with you,” I said. I added, “Take my card and your protégé out for sushi. I need man time with Little Carmen. I want to talk about our fantasy football league, the season’s coming up,” I lied.

“Oh? I don’t think so,” said La Flor.

“Busted,” I said. “I want to help him get a head start on his Christmas shopping for you.”

“Good idea, but remember I was La Flor PI before I was La Flor beautiful model.” Then she added, “We need to talk before you and LC need to talk.”

“Yah!” said Carmela.

La Flor turned her gaze toward Carmela. Two ice picks darting from La Flor’s eyes had an immediate effect on her.

“I think I spoke out of turn. Can I go and shine your shoes, polish your jewelry, bath myself in the beauty of your photos that cover your wall,” begged Carmela.

“She wants to learn, Ray. But, she’s not the brightest bulb in the closet. Her escalator stopped running. Her pepperoni pizza doesn’t have any pepperoni.”

“I get it. Are you anxious?”

“How can you tell?”

“The overuse of metaphors.”

“Little Carmen, will you walk to Starbucks and get us our usual afternoon caffeinated drinks?”

“Does I gots to walk?”

“It’ll be good for your love handles,” I said. He doesn’t have any on his chiseled body, which is the primary animal attraction for La Flor.

“I don’t feel any handles. Use thinks they could be knobs or something I don’t know nothing about?”

“I do,” I said.

“Thanks, Ray-mo. Be back in a jiff. Is it jiff or jif or jiffy? I gets confused.”

“Jiff is fine.”

“Tanks.”

The moment Little Carmen left, La Flor flung her arms around me. She buried her head into my chest, “I too young to die, Ray. Please, please help me,” she pleaded.

“You’re not dying,” I reassured her.

“If I marry him, I will. I read your blog. Please convince him I’m not worthy of him. Feed him Carmela. Put out a contract on him. Anything. I beg you.”

What am I going to do?

Discard The Doubters

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This past week I flew from East Lansing, Michigan to O’Hara to catch another flight to San Antonio. While I waited for my plane in East Lansing, a graduate student at Michigan State University and I entered into a conversation. I asked about his studies. He told me he was changing fields because the field he wanted to enter was already full of people. I asked him if everyone was competent, a champion in the field. He said no, but his advisor suggested a shift in majors. I couldn’t convince him to follow his passion. He listened to “The Doubters.” Don’t listen to the doubters. Double down on your dream. Go all in. Get inspired with this short YouTube video.

Double Down on Your Dream

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